Nikkle

It's day 33 for me and I am so grateful! My fiancé has been very kind to me as we deal with my December 2nd Dui. He hasn't yelled at me, is repairing our van that I munched, tells me not to worry, that everything will work out and tells me he is proud of my recovery efforts. The problem is, he too is an alcoholic(okay a drunk...alcoholics go to meetings) Before my dui, he finally went from saying he could quit anytime to admitting he had a problem, then he went from saying he wasn't ready to try to thinking about it. After my dui, he announced to me he was cutting back, but since "cutting back" he has gotten stumbling drunk and in bed by 8:30 on several occasions. This is unusually early for my workaholic man. Yesterday, he got home from work 5 minutes before I was picked up for my Celebrate Recovery 12 step meeting. I said hi and kissed him goodbye. I made sure I had dinner prepared for him and the 4 kids before I left. When I got home 2 1/2 hours later, the kids had not done the dishes, all the leftover food was still sitting out, uncovered on the table, he had skipped dinner, claiming not to be hungry and he was pulling down the covers to get in bed, barely able to stand. I remember seeing the bedroom light go out just as I pulled into the driveway last week too. In a way, I am hoping his getting worse means he is getting closer to realizing his life has become unmanageable. Still, I miss him. No other relationship can take the place of a spouse. It's nice that he is encouraging me to recover, but sometimes I feel like we were both 2 frightened lost kids in the woods(alcoholism), who came to an old shaking wooden suspension bridge with missing slats (sobriety) that we both saw as a way out, but instead of holding hands and crossing together so one could catch the other if they started to slip, it's as if he looked at it, shuttered, then pushed me toward it saying "good luck, hope you make it"! Sure, I understand everyone has to make the decision on their own and if I tried to make him cross, I run the risk of him pulling me down...that is why I don't. Nevertheless, I feel lonely. Thanks for listening.

Anna

Nikkle,

I understand how you feel. Early recovery was a very lonely time for me too. My husband never had an alcohol problem, but by the time I stopped drinking, there was no support coming from him. He expected me to get better, but did not want to be involved in any way. So, I was forced to find my own way, and thank god I did.

You are finding your own way too. You're absolutely right that you cannot convince your fiance to stop drinking. He will need to make that decision himself. Bottom line, this is going to change your relationship in some ways. I think that change is an inevitable and crucial part of recovery, but it can be a very painful part.

SSIL75

That is very sad and of course, how lonely for you. I hope he finds some clarity soon. Have you been to the F&F board? As an alcoholic I lurk and sometimes post there. There's a lot to learn.

Nikkle

Yes, I've looked at F&F a couple times, even posted a note of encouragement to one of them. Been thinking of asking them if anyone there is in a similar circumstance.

TTOSBT

Hi Nikkle!

Do you have a sponsor? If so, talk to her often about this. If you do not, get one!

I am with Anna. M<y husband is an normie but by the time I got sober he was pretty detached. He did not celebrate my milestones with me. My sponsor told me early in recovery that I was not to look to him for a pat on the back or an atta girl. After all, he stays sober every day and no one bakes him a cake, lol. I remember when I hit the year mark and I expected everyone around me to be in awe of what I had accomplished. Well, my recovery friends did but surprisingly, no one outside the rooms was throwing any parties. Hehe.

You focus on your recovery and the kids. I promise your life will get better, regardless of the choices your fiance makes. This program is about attraction rather than promotion. Let your fiance see the changes in your life. Hopefully he will choose freedom as well, someday. But, NOT your problem or concern right now.

I wish you the very best!!

GettingStronger2

No doubt it is hard when one in a partnership gets sober and the other continues to drink more than just some. But your recovery is YOUR recovery. Lead by example and do what you need to do (sounds like you are!). Hopefully he will reach his bottom soon and realize he needs to join you the journey of sobriety.

Best of luck and stay strong!

Maryjan

I just this minute posted in the Moms Who Drink thread about my husband. This is hard. It seems like you are doing everything right, and I bet you feel lonely. But you are not alone...we are right here.

Nikkle

TTOSBT: I am eagerly looking for a sponsor, the folks at Celebrate Recovery just finished the 12th step and we are gearing up for the 1st step again. I have asked one gal to pray about being my sponsor and awaiting her answer. In the meantime, I have taken a calendar and had people write their name and phone number on the date of their choosing. It's only day 5 of my phone call plan, but so far I have made myself call each day. This is amazing progress for me as I have a lifetime of experience in self isolation!

ANEWAUGUST

Congrats on your 33 days, and for actively seeking recovery.

I too am an alcoholic with a drinking spouse. He doesn't fit into the alcoholic category. He is more of a weekend warrior/heavy drinker. It doesn't matter what the category though, newly sober, and a drinking spouse, for me, was a very challenging time.

My hubby and I drank together, alot. When I quit, it changed the comfortable yet unhealthy patterns of our relationship. It has taken time for things to get better. I had to work the steps,go to meetings and meet with my sponsor.

She shared some sage advice with me, that really has helped me. Work on my recovery,
work on what I can change, and what I need to change. Leave my husband in my higher powers hands. Whatever my higher power (God)'s will for him is, that is what will be.

It was, and is at times scarey to be working and growing in a different direction then my spouse. But, we are still together and doing well. It just takes time. This alcoholic mind always wanted a quick fix. I have realized though, there are no quick fixes.

Hoping you will find a sponsor soon!

Dee74

I hope your partner will find his way too - but don't forget your focus needs to be on your recovery - you have your personal reasons for doing this, and you have your own journey to make, just as he has his....

It's a fact of life many folks here find little support from their loved ones - but that's why we're here

I hope you'll check out FF more too and post a little there too

D

Nikkle

I realize at this time, my fiancé and I are growing in two different directions. I know I must focus on my recovery and leave him in God's capable hands. I know it is his choice whether he becomes healthy or not. Still, I felt it necessary to acknowledge my loneliness at this time to keep it from building up inside me. I am trying to remember to enjoy the benefits of sobriety, knowing sometimes he will feel left out, because I can't put off living to wait for him. Still, I must be conscious that any new life changing activity has the potential to drive a wedge between a couple and leave the other one feeling forgotten on a back burner. I need to make continued deliberate efforts to show him positive attention that shows him he is important in my life.

artsoul

Well, Nickle - I think you're doing an amazing job. I'm inspired tonight after reading your posts....... It has to be difficult to see the one you love still actively drinking.

Give yourself lots of credit for doing what you're doing, and take the relationship one day at a time, just like sobriety. Sending hugs and prayers.....

mygrandfather

What artsoul said.

Nickle, you are inspiring me and you seem to have a strong plan for success.

peanuts

Hi Nikkle

I think it must be really hard for you to focus on your own sobriety while watching your partner struggle in denial. I am sure you must be worried for him, and lonely for yourself, and frustrated at everything.

I hope he decides to join you in recovery, but only he can come to that decision.

Oh, and hey.... I don't go to meetings either.... does that just make me a "drunk"?

Nikkle

Yes, Peanuts, according to a t-shirt I once read..."I'm not an alcoholic, I'm a drunk, alcoholics go to meetings"!

peanuts

Lol, I like it!!

Peanuts the Drunk!

Nikkle

As funny as the other sounds, I find being Nikkle the alcoholic much more constructive and healthy! Nikkle the drunk was very lonely and pathetic