My story. Help me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 3
My story. Help me.
Hello, I am new here, this is my first post and I just registered today.
I joined because I want to be able to share my experience with alcohol with other people who understand what it is like to have a problem with alcohol.
Basicailly, I know that I have a problem with alcohol. I am 21 years old, male and for the past 2 years I feel like it has dominated my life. I feel as though my life has just been one drunken incident to the next.
My first experience with alcohol was when I was 13 years old, an older teenager gave me a drink of cider and within minutes I immediately decided it was the greatest thing ever. From that moment on, I understood alcohol to be something that people used to get absoloutely out of control.
Fast forward to 19 years old and this is where things for me really started to turn sour. Now, I was never really good with alcohol to begin with (I would never know when enough was enough and I would always act unusual compared to other people when drunk) however, it wasn't until the age of around 19 that alcohol began to seriously effect me.
I met a friend who smoked a lot of weed, I couldn't smoke weed because everytime I tried it I became incredibly anxious and panicky and just hated it. So, I began to drink alcohol while he would smoke, of course, the two didn't mix.
Although at the time I didn't see it this way, I was very depressed. It was around this time I began drinking alcohol on my own. I would get in from work and immediately pour myself a large glass of whatever alcohol we had in the house, preferably spirits, it didn't matter what it was as long as it got me drunk.
Now, this went on for a while, I was managing to get up every morning (i wasn't drinking a lot) but I still felt like ****. So when the weekend came around, I saw it as an oppurtunity to get completed wasted (could easily drink 2 - 3) bottles of 350ml vodka a night.
Now when I would drink this much, I would do stupid ****, I would mostly just sit at the computer, listen to music or stare out the window, sometimes I'd go for a walk.
Sometimes however, I would do stuff that would really upset the people I live with, I would tend to get really really upset, self harm and such. I would wake up the next day and feel terrible and still drunk, in my drunken haze, I would get up, walk to the shop and buy another bottle of vodka, I'd bring it home and drink it.
So, as you can probably imagine, this whole cycle which repeated itself quite often resulted in some fallout and damages with the people in my life and my quality of life. Just about everything began to be effected by it.
I was beginning to drink like this during the week as well.
I could probably fill a book with the amount of things that have happened because of my drinking but here is a short list of the things that really upset me:
Now, I finally made the descion to visit AA and I within the fist 15 minutes of being in the room and listening to what people had to say, I realised this people would understand me. I did actually manage to attend 2 session but I couldn't attend a 3rd. My problem with AA is its ties with "God". Now, when I went to AA they told me that the idea of "God" is not that in the christian sense but whatever my understanding of "God" was. They also said a "Prayer" at the end of each meeting and I felt extremelly uncomfortable with this as at this present time I am an athiest.
Ok, so after visiting AA, I managed to turn things around a little, it was the hardest thing I have really ever had to do, and nobody I know in person could ever really understand. I was sober for 6 weeks! 6 WEEKS! This was like a miracle for me, not drinking for 6 weeks.
So after that 6 weeks I think i'm cured right? I think my attitude towards alcohol has changed and I can finally be one of those social drinkers. Wrong. I attended a wedding with my family and decided to have a drink. 1 drink led to 2, then 3, then 4 and so on. Until finally I found myself lying in someone's bed the next morning having wet my new suit and not knowing where on earth I was.
So it starts again, I'm back into old habbits, however this time, I'm being a bit more clever, I am only getting completely wasted at weekends, usually a saturday, the idea that I can have time to recover on the sunday was just too tempting for me. When I have heard alcoholics refer to alcohol as a demon, that is really how it felt, there was something in my consience screaming for me to drink. DRINK DRINK DRINK DRINK. I would hear all day, I couldn't function, I couldn't do anything, I felt so compelled to drink alcohol that I couldn't actually get on with the day until had a drink. And oh my, when I actually made that descision to go out and by some drink, my mood would completely change, I would be so excited about getting that poison down my kneck that I was literally skipping to the shop, I would by the alcohol, get home and drink it as fast as I possibly could. Of course this led to another trip to the shop and then the next morning I would wake up feeling more miserable than ever.
Before christmas day this year (only like 6 days ago), I had actually been sober for 2 weeks! 2 whole weeks, again, this is a massive feat for me. I was quite proud of myself.
Then, christmas eve, I am panicked to hell about Christmas with the family as I know i'm going to be sorrounded by alcohol. I am sat with my parents, it's all i can think about, I can barely string a sentence together because I am so fixated on drink. This is how it feels in my mind.
I knew my parents had alcohol upstairs and it just got the better of me, in my mind I felt that by drinking, I was putting myself back in control. I know that sounds wierd but i felt like the drink was teasing me or something, like it was saying "I am going to pester your thoughts all weekend and there's nothing you can do about it", so by drinking, I felt like I was in control.
Anyway, I ended up getting completely hammered of course, it never ceases to amaze me how after all this time I can still convince myself that "I'll only have one". Still AMAZES ME.
Then christmas day comes, turns out I've opened my mams christmas present, a bottle of red whine, drank it on the couch and wet myself. The first thing my own mother (whom I see rarely) has had to do on Christmas day is clean up here 21 year old son.
I wake up, desperately hungover, realize what has happened and immediately, like a ROCKET, hit the drink again. Didn't even think about it, didn't even think about what I was doing I just knew I had to get some down my kneck as fast as I could. It was literally out of my hands, completely.
Ok, so present day. Today, the 31st day of the 12th month of 2010. I feel like a have almost recovered from christmas day but I have really really really pissed my family off this time, very badly. No point in going into specifics but they were all their and they all blame me.
The sad thing is, I kind of expected them to feel sympathy for me, but why should they? That is very selfish of me. I sometimes get angry and think "SPEND A DAY IN MY HEAD AND THEN MAYBE YOU'LL EMPATHIZE". I have never used alcoholism as an excuse, but I sometimes wish people would see it from my perspective. Everytime I touch alcohol, I feel a crippling sense of failure wash over me.
The above text is long, probably inchorent and very typical but I really wanted to share my thoughts. This is the first time I have ever actually tried to comprehend the past 2 years and it actually feels rather good putting it all down on paper.
I would gladly like to answer any questions, in fact I'd find it rather theraputic.
2011 is literally hours away and I have told myself that this is it, I am not going to drink and at this point in time, to be honest, I don't really want to, I know this is how it works though, I make myself so ill with drink, I upset people and I don't want to be in this place ever again. But secretly, I know, once I am feeling tip top again, once things have settled down, I'll drink again...
I joined because I want to be able to share my experience with alcohol with other people who understand what it is like to have a problem with alcohol.
Basicailly, I know that I have a problem with alcohol. I am 21 years old, male and for the past 2 years I feel like it has dominated my life. I feel as though my life has just been one drunken incident to the next.
My first experience with alcohol was when I was 13 years old, an older teenager gave me a drink of cider and within minutes I immediately decided it was the greatest thing ever. From that moment on, I understood alcohol to be something that people used to get absoloutely out of control.
Fast forward to 19 years old and this is where things for me really started to turn sour. Now, I was never really good with alcohol to begin with (I would never know when enough was enough and I would always act unusual compared to other people when drunk) however, it wasn't until the age of around 19 that alcohol began to seriously effect me.
I met a friend who smoked a lot of weed, I couldn't smoke weed because everytime I tried it I became incredibly anxious and panicky and just hated it. So, I began to drink alcohol while he would smoke, of course, the two didn't mix.
Although at the time I didn't see it this way, I was very depressed. It was around this time I began drinking alcohol on my own. I would get in from work and immediately pour myself a large glass of whatever alcohol we had in the house, preferably spirits, it didn't matter what it was as long as it got me drunk.
Now, this went on for a while, I was managing to get up every morning (i wasn't drinking a lot) but I still felt like ****. So when the weekend came around, I saw it as an oppurtunity to get completed wasted (could easily drink 2 - 3) bottles of 350ml vodka a night.
Now when I would drink this much, I would do stupid ****, I would mostly just sit at the computer, listen to music or stare out the window, sometimes I'd go for a walk.
Sometimes however, I would do stuff that would really upset the people I live with, I would tend to get really really upset, self harm and such. I would wake up the next day and feel terrible and still drunk, in my drunken haze, I would get up, walk to the shop and buy another bottle of vodka, I'd bring it home and drink it.
So, as you can probably imagine, this whole cycle which repeated itself quite often resulted in some fallout and damages with the people in my life and my quality of life. Just about everything began to be effected by it.
I was beginning to drink like this during the week as well.
I could probably fill a book with the amount of things that have happened because of my drinking but here is a short list of the things that really upset me:
- Admitted to hospital several times after I'd completely blacked out from drinking.
- Best friend refuses to speak to me anymore
- Was held captive in a house by two men and raped
- Scared my relationship with my twin brother in a way I feel can never truely be recovered
- Lost countless days of work
- Being arrested and spent the day in a jail cell for been drunk in a public place at 10:00am in the morning
- Spent literally hundrerds of pounds on alcohol
- Upset and angered my business partner on several different occasions
- Humiliated myself in ways I never thought possible
- Missed countless oppurtunities to experience life while I lay in bed recovering with a hangover.
Now, I finally made the descion to visit AA and I within the fist 15 minutes of being in the room and listening to what people had to say, I realised this people would understand me. I did actually manage to attend 2 session but I couldn't attend a 3rd. My problem with AA is its ties with "God". Now, when I went to AA they told me that the idea of "God" is not that in the christian sense but whatever my understanding of "God" was. They also said a "Prayer" at the end of each meeting and I felt extremelly uncomfortable with this as at this present time I am an athiest.
Ok, so after visiting AA, I managed to turn things around a little, it was the hardest thing I have really ever had to do, and nobody I know in person could ever really understand. I was sober for 6 weeks! 6 WEEKS! This was like a miracle for me, not drinking for 6 weeks.
So after that 6 weeks I think i'm cured right? I think my attitude towards alcohol has changed and I can finally be one of those social drinkers. Wrong. I attended a wedding with my family and decided to have a drink. 1 drink led to 2, then 3, then 4 and so on. Until finally I found myself lying in someone's bed the next morning having wet my new suit and not knowing where on earth I was.
So it starts again, I'm back into old habbits, however this time, I'm being a bit more clever, I am only getting completely wasted at weekends, usually a saturday, the idea that I can have time to recover on the sunday was just too tempting for me. When I have heard alcoholics refer to alcohol as a demon, that is really how it felt, there was something in my consience screaming for me to drink. DRINK DRINK DRINK DRINK. I would hear all day, I couldn't function, I couldn't do anything, I felt so compelled to drink alcohol that I couldn't actually get on with the day until had a drink. And oh my, when I actually made that descision to go out and by some drink, my mood would completely change, I would be so excited about getting that poison down my kneck that I was literally skipping to the shop, I would by the alcohol, get home and drink it as fast as I possibly could. Of course this led to another trip to the shop and then the next morning I would wake up feeling more miserable than ever.
Before christmas day this year (only like 6 days ago), I had actually been sober for 2 weeks! 2 whole weeks, again, this is a massive feat for me. I was quite proud of myself.
Then, christmas eve, I am panicked to hell about Christmas with the family as I know i'm going to be sorrounded by alcohol. I am sat with my parents, it's all i can think about, I can barely string a sentence together because I am so fixated on drink. This is how it feels in my mind.
I knew my parents had alcohol upstairs and it just got the better of me, in my mind I felt that by drinking, I was putting myself back in control. I know that sounds wierd but i felt like the drink was teasing me or something, like it was saying "I am going to pester your thoughts all weekend and there's nothing you can do about it", so by drinking, I felt like I was in control.
Anyway, I ended up getting completely hammered of course, it never ceases to amaze me how after all this time I can still convince myself that "I'll only have one". Still AMAZES ME.
Then christmas day comes, turns out I've opened my mams christmas present, a bottle of red whine, drank it on the couch and wet myself. The first thing my own mother (whom I see rarely) has had to do on Christmas day is clean up here 21 year old son.
I wake up, desperately hungover, realize what has happened and immediately, like a ROCKET, hit the drink again. Didn't even think about it, didn't even think about what I was doing I just knew I had to get some down my kneck as fast as I could. It was literally out of my hands, completely.
Ok, so present day. Today, the 31st day of the 12th month of 2010. I feel like a have almost recovered from christmas day but I have really really really pissed my family off this time, very badly. No point in going into specifics but they were all their and they all blame me.
The sad thing is, I kind of expected them to feel sympathy for me, but why should they? That is very selfish of me. I sometimes get angry and think "SPEND A DAY IN MY HEAD AND THEN MAYBE YOU'LL EMPATHIZE". I have never used alcoholism as an excuse, but I sometimes wish people would see it from my perspective. Everytime I touch alcohol, I feel a crippling sense of failure wash over me.
The above text is long, probably inchorent and very typical but I really wanted to share my thoughts. This is the first time I have ever actually tried to comprehend the past 2 years and it actually feels rather good putting it all down on paper.
I would gladly like to answer any questions, in fact I'd find it rather theraputic.
2011 is literally hours away and I have told myself that this is it, I am not going to drink and at this point in time, to be honest, I don't really want to, I know this is how it works though, I make myself so ill with drink, I upset people and I don't want to be in this place ever again. But secretly, I know, once I am feeling tip top again, once things have settled down, I'll drink again...
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by buzkilington 
But secretly, I know, once I am feeling tip top again, once things have settled down, I'll drink again...
Welcome. There are countless success stories from folks just like you. We can help if you are willing to try.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
welcome buz - so glad you're here and wanting to get sober. I spent SO many similar days and mornings trying to fight the same battle. It seemed like an alcoholic brain had invaded my own and was taking over the space in my head. I would find myself reaching for the car keys the second I even thought about alcohol (and I remember that adrenaline rush of getting more, too!).
I tried every way I could to drink normally - it didn't work for long. I really didn't want just one or two or three.....I always wanted more..... always. The only way for me to be at peace from it was to cut it out of my life and for that I needed help.
I've got 8 months sober tomorrow, but I still hear that little alcoholic voice in my head from time to time. It's like anything else..... you have to get used to a new life, and sobriety takes time and practice. But I promise you: you'll have no future with alcohol. I think you already know that, though.
Hope you'll post often and make this new year the best yet!
I tried every way I could to drink normally - it didn't work for long. I really didn't want just one or two or three.....I always wanted more..... always. The only way for me to be at peace from it was to cut it out of my life and for that I needed help.
I've got 8 months sober tomorrow, but I still hear that little alcoholic voice in my head from time to time. It's like anything else..... you have to get used to a new life, and sobriety takes time and practice. But I promise you: you'll have no future with alcohol. I think you already know that, though.
Hope you'll post often and make this new year the best yet!
Guest
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 2,013
Hi there. I'm from England and I got sober at age 23 on 8th July 2009 and I turned 25 yesterday. I'm an alcoholic.
I can relate so much to your story and it's frightening really. You're obviously experiencing some terrible consequences as a result of your drinking, I did too. But the worst thing was that terrible aching in my heart and the hopelessness that I felt. I knew that my life would continue to go downhill as there would always be a binge around the corner and I couldn't see how I could live without drink. I used to use alcohol as my 'medicine' to get out of my head for a few hours.
For me then I reached the point where I was beaten by alcohol and totally accepted myself as an alcoholic. I knew if I continued to take the first drink then my life could only end up continuing to go downhill and destroying everything. I knew prison, institute or death were the only outcomes of me continuing to take that first drink.
I committed 100% to recovery and embraced my alcoholism and my recovery. I made sure that I didn't take that first drink 'just for today'. That's the only day we have anyway.
I used SR, AA and much wisdom from elsewhere in my recovery and continue to use this. In regards to AA and "god" then don't let that deter your sobriety. I made sure that I stuck close to SR whilst attending AA but also there were many things that I felt uncomfortable about too with AA. However I made sure that I stayed sober and didn't let it deter me and kept an open mind and found AA to be of great support and help in my recovery and things revealed themselves to me in time organically. I didn't want to have anything 'forced' upon me. Alcoholism is a 'thinking' problem and not a drinking problem so ultimately recovery programs are designed to change your thinking/attitudes so that effectively you don't think the same anymore. If you don't change your thinking then inevitably you'll just pick up again most probably, or be extremely miserable. SR was of fantastic help and support in helping me achieve this profound change of attitudes/beliefs/thinking etc, AA was and continues to be too.
All I can say is that I can relate such a lot to your story and it is possible to live a life free from the 'obsession' about alcohol and to experience a fantatsic freedom and rewarding and fulfilling life. BUT it takes work and I have to make sure that I always put my recovery as No1 priority in my life and 'work' it daily. I'll always be an alkie. I'l always be one drink away from losing evrything but that really isn't as scary as it sounds, in fact it's a blessing that I am fully aware of that fact.
All The Best, Peace
I can relate so much to your story and it's frightening really. You're obviously experiencing some terrible consequences as a result of your drinking, I did too. But the worst thing was that terrible aching in my heart and the hopelessness that I felt. I knew that my life would continue to go downhill as there would always be a binge around the corner and I couldn't see how I could live without drink. I used to use alcohol as my 'medicine' to get out of my head for a few hours.
For me then I reached the point where I was beaten by alcohol and totally accepted myself as an alcoholic. I knew if I continued to take the first drink then my life could only end up continuing to go downhill and destroying everything. I knew prison, institute or death were the only outcomes of me continuing to take that first drink.
I committed 100% to recovery and embraced my alcoholism and my recovery. I made sure that I didn't take that first drink 'just for today'. That's the only day we have anyway.
I used SR, AA and much wisdom from elsewhere in my recovery and continue to use this. In regards to AA and "god" then don't let that deter your sobriety. I made sure that I stuck close to SR whilst attending AA but also there were many things that I felt uncomfortable about too with AA. However I made sure that I stayed sober and didn't let it deter me and kept an open mind and found AA to be of great support and help in my recovery and things revealed themselves to me in time organically. I didn't want to have anything 'forced' upon me. Alcoholism is a 'thinking' problem and not a drinking problem so ultimately recovery programs are designed to change your thinking/attitudes so that effectively you don't think the same anymore. If you don't change your thinking then inevitably you'll just pick up again most probably, or be extremely miserable. SR was of fantastic help and support in helping me achieve this profound change of attitudes/beliefs/thinking etc, AA was and continues to be too.
All I can say is that I can relate such a lot to your story and it is possible to live a life free from the 'obsession' about alcohol and to experience a fantatsic freedom and rewarding and fulfilling life. BUT it takes work and I have to make sure that I always put my recovery as No1 priority in my life and 'work' it daily. I'll always be an alkie. I'l always be one drink away from losing evrything but that really isn't as scary as it sounds, in fact it's a blessing that I am fully aware of that fact.
All The Best, Peace
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: New York City
Posts: 221
Welcome Buzkillington.
Don't get so blocked-up with the "God" stuff. I'm an atheist as well. FWIW, I still take great comfort in the power of the millions of 'spiritual ancestral voices' present in my AA group and echoing through to me from my own DNA. We are all descendants of thousands of successful ancestors. Combined they are my great Spirit and Higher Power, and as one voice, is quite alive and well inside us all. Ultimately, healing it is instinctive! That Great Spirit wants to heal us. To learn we need but listen. Don't let the "God" vernacular prevent you from recovering.
Good luck and welcome!
Don't get so blocked-up with the "God" stuff. I'm an atheist as well. FWIW, I still take great comfort in the power of the millions of 'spiritual ancestral voices' present in my AA group and echoing through to me from my own DNA. We are all descendants of thousands of successful ancestors. Combined they are my great Spirit and Higher Power, and as one voice, is quite alive and well inside us all. Ultimately, healing it is instinctive! That Great Spirit wants to heal us. To learn we need but listen. Don't let the "God" vernacular prevent you from recovering.
Good luck and welcome!
Dismember
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: The Mitten, USA
Posts: 1,641
Hey Buzzkillington,
I have been through so much of that myself, the mistakes made and the thoughts about my drinking.
So if I get what you're saying: you know alcohol is a problem, you know you feel better when you aren't drinking, but you still can't seem to stop. You are basically every alcoholic that has every lived. Truly, it baffles the mind but that's how it is.
The thing with sobriety that lasts is it has to account for all the temptations to drink. Yes, it's easy to feel motivated with a hangover and a trail of destruction, but you also need it when things are going well as you said. And that means having a recovery program of some sort in place--AA has ways of securing that.
One thing that trips up alcoholics all the time, that is something I am always vigilant about myself, are the excuses to drink that don't seem like excuses. But secretly, I know, once I am feeling tip top again, once things have settled down, I'll drink again... That's one of them. It's the Inevitability Excuse. Saying "I know I will" is just "I am kind of planning to."
I have been through so much of that myself, the mistakes made and the thoughts about my drinking.
So if I get what you're saying: you know alcohol is a problem, you know you feel better when you aren't drinking, but you still can't seem to stop. You are basically every alcoholic that has every lived. Truly, it baffles the mind but that's how it is.
The thing with sobriety that lasts is it has to account for all the temptations to drink. Yes, it's easy to feel motivated with a hangover and a trail of destruction, but you also need it when things are going well as you said. And that means having a recovery program of some sort in place--AA has ways of securing that.
One thing that trips up alcoholics all the time, that is something I am always vigilant about myself, are the excuses to drink that don't seem like excuses. But secretly, I know, once I am feeling tip top again, once things have settled down, I'll drink again... That's one of them. It's the Inevitability Excuse. Saying "I know I will" is just "I am kind of planning to."
It's certainly helped me and I just celebrated a year sober.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Tampa
Posts: 178
God, Satan, Angels, fairies, or unicorns... You are an alcoholic, like millions. Your self abuse is no different from a worshiper, or an atheist. You fit in there somehow with a very common bond... alcohol. I would suggest taking the good with the bad, as is part of life.
Don't allow anything to distract you from your goal. Alcohol addiction its self will try to find reasons for you to fail. Render it powerless by opening your mind to the possibility that YOU are in control over what you put in your mouth and what you refuse to.
Just as their are Chistians on SR, so are there atheists, etc. Take what's good for you as your ammunition and leave the rest without feeling resentful.
This is important, as leaving alcohol requires the exact same. You will coexist with alcohol in the world and not let it make you uncomfortable. It will not be a part of interior person... just there, and in no way an intimidation to you.
Good luck, Happy New Year and make this happen!
Don't allow anything to distract you from your goal. Alcohol addiction its self will try to find reasons for you to fail. Render it powerless by opening your mind to the possibility that YOU are in control over what you put in your mouth and what you refuse to.
Just as their are Chistians on SR, so are there atheists, etc. Take what's good for you as your ammunition and leave the rest without feeling resentful.
This is important, as leaving alcohol requires the exact same. You will coexist with alcohol in the world and not let it make you uncomfortable. It will not be a part of interior person... just there, and in no way an intimidation to you.
Good luck, Happy New Year and make this happen!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Scottsdale, AZ
Posts: 22
Hi Buz,
Your story really touched me. I can relate just like everyone else that commented on here. Why? Because we are alcoholics and we understand how we all think. I am 39 years old and celebrating 30 days tomorrow. I am currently in the process of accepted the fact that I have missed out on so many great memories, especially with my kids. You are sooooooo fortunate to be 21 years old with so much time ahead that you don't have to miss out on. I would have slapped somebody at your age if they told me I had a drinking problem. (which I did have a severe dinking problem by age 21) There was no way I was going to admit that. It took me until this past year to start accepting the fact that I was indeed an alcoholic.
AA is so far working for me. I have met some really amazing people with A LOT of sobriety. I have nothing more to lose so I'm just gonna keep showing up.
Page 417 out of the Big Book was read at my meeting this morning. What really stuck out to me was the part that says "Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed (which I was always disturbed by my own behaviour) it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation-some fact of my life-unnacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person (usually myself) place, thing or situation as being EXACTLY the way it is supposed to be at this moment.Nothing, absolutley nothing, happens in our world (God's world, if you belive in God) by mistake. Unless I can accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy."
There are a lot of young lives that you can touch by becoming sober. There are a lot of young lives that need young men, like yourself, to help them become sober. Just think, someday you may save a life by sharing your experience, strength and hope.
Please keep us posted on your recovery and I pray you roll into 2011 without a hangover. You can do this!!!!!!!!!!! Just don't drink today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Your story really touched me. I can relate just like everyone else that commented on here. Why? Because we are alcoholics and we understand how we all think. I am 39 years old and celebrating 30 days tomorrow. I am currently in the process of accepted the fact that I have missed out on so many great memories, especially with my kids. You are sooooooo fortunate to be 21 years old with so much time ahead that you don't have to miss out on. I would have slapped somebody at your age if they told me I had a drinking problem. (which I did have a severe dinking problem by age 21) There was no way I was going to admit that. It took me until this past year to start accepting the fact that I was indeed an alcoholic.
AA is so far working for me. I have met some really amazing people with A LOT of sobriety. I have nothing more to lose so I'm just gonna keep showing up.
Page 417 out of the Big Book was read at my meeting this morning. What really stuck out to me was the part that says "Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed (which I was always disturbed by my own behaviour) it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation-some fact of my life-unnacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person (usually myself) place, thing or situation as being EXACTLY the way it is supposed to be at this moment.Nothing, absolutley nothing, happens in our world (God's world, if you belive in God) by mistake. Unless I can accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy."
There are a lot of young lives that you can touch by becoming sober. There are a lot of young lives that need young men, like yourself, to help them become sober. Just think, someday you may save a life by sharing your experience, strength and hope.
Please keep us posted on your recovery and I pray you roll into 2011 without a hangover. You can do this!!!!!!!!!!! Just don't drink today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,424
Hi Buzkillington
Welcome to SR
I'm older than you, but there are many things I identify with in your story.
Support made all the difference to me. Knowing I wasn't alone - knowing other people had been where I had been, knowing they were willing to help me.
I used to drink all day everyday - for several years. I wanted to stop. Really wanted.
Nothing was more important.
That drive, and hard work, making changes in life....coupled with support, have got me to nearly 4 years sober.
It is possible
Welcome to SR!
D
Welcome to SR
I'm older than you, but there are many things I identify with in your story.
Support made all the difference to me. Knowing I wasn't alone - knowing other people had been where I had been, knowing they were willing to help me.
I used to drink all day everyday - for several years. I wanted to stop. Really wanted.
Nothing was more important.
That drive, and hard work, making changes in life....coupled with support, have got me to nearly 4 years sober.
It is possible
Welcome to SR!
D
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 1,737
Hi Buz, welcome to SR.
I'm sorry to hear about the god-thing with AA. I totally understand that. I checked myself into a 6 week rehab program Dec 20 last year. When they started carrying on about "came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity" and "turn my will and my life over to the care of god as I understand him" I was disappointed. I mean, seriously, you expect me to believe that the 'great pumpkin' is going to save my @ss and make me not want to drink anymore? Please.
And yet, one year later I haven't had a drink. I haven't figured out the god thing, but I know that AA has played a huge role in my being able to stay sober. There are many groups that have some success in helping alcoholics, most of which are groups of alcoholics helping one another. Find one that speaks truth to you and your situation, and make the same effort to stay sober that you did to drink. You don't have much to lose other than a string of hangovers and ever-increasing consequences from drinking.
One more thing that I've learned in the past year: life reveals as much truth as we can handle at any given moment. I've gotten myself into the most trouble when I assume that what I know is the entire truth.
Hope you find what you're seeking in the new year - and keep posting, there's a lot of experience, strength and hope to be had here at SR.
Kind regards - Edd
I'm sorry to hear about the god-thing with AA. I totally understand that. I checked myself into a 6 week rehab program Dec 20 last year. When they started carrying on about "came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity" and "turn my will and my life over to the care of god as I understand him" I was disappointed. I mean, seriously, you expect me to believe that the 'great pumpkin' is going to save my @ss and make me not want to drink anymore? Please.
And yet, one year later I haven't had a drink. I haven't figured out the god thing, but I know that AA has played a huge role in my being able to stay sober. There are many groups that have some success in helping alcoholics, most of which are groups of alcoholics helping one another. Find one that speaks truth to you and your situation, and make the same effort to stay sober that you did to drink. You don't have much to lose other than a string of hangovers and ever-increasing consequences from drinking.
One more thing that I've learned in the past year: life reveals as much truth as we can handle at any given moment. I've gotten myself into the most trouble when I assume that what I know is the entire truth.
Hope you find what you're seeking in the new year - and keep posting, there's a lot of experience, strength and hope to be had here at SR.
Kind regards - Edd
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 3
Thank you for these words of encouragement guys.
I am so pleased to feel so welcomed so quickly.
Quite a story for my first post but I wanted to get things off of my chest.
I recently addmitted to myself that I am an alcoholic, however my mother said something to me over the phone that has got me thinking. She said
"You are not an alcoholic, you don't think I haven't read up on this do you? You don't have an alcohol dependance, you don't need to alcohol the first thing you wake in the morning. But you are heading in that direction. You can function without alcohol."
This was during an argument we were having about Christmas, I had been honest with my mother about attending AA and my problems with alcohol and I thought she understood. I was absoloutely devastated when I found out exactly what she thought of my so called "Alcoholism". It made me re-evaluate myself, am I an alcoholic or I am just a selfish ******* who has control but chooses not to use it. It must be so difficult for those who have never had to experience it to understand why I keep picking up the bottle but I am at the point now where I have admitted to myself I have no control over it. It still confuses me though.
My point is that I think she must think I'm doing this on purpose, that I was drunk of christmas day because of my lack of love for her or the rest of my family, because I am selfish, because I would prefer to be drunk than spend time with my family or because I have no respect for them. I literally have no recollection of this but I was basically scouring the house for any drop of alcohol I could find, my mother said I did this all day in between crashing out in bed.
Again, thank you guys for the words, I will definetly stick around here and I'm even thinking of re-attending AA.
I am so pleased to feel so welcomed so quickly.
Quite a story for my first post but I wanted to get things off of my chest.
I recently addmitted to myself that I am an alcoholic, however my mother said something to me over the phone that has got me thinking. She said
"You are not an alcoholic, you don't think I haven't read up on this do you? You don't have an alcohol dependance, you don't need to alcohol the first thing you wake in the morning. But you are heading in that direction. You can function without alcohol."
This was during an argument we were having about Christmas, I had been honest with my mother about attending AA and my problems with alcohol and I thought she understood. I was absoloutely devastated when I found out exactly what she thought of my so called "Alcoholism". It made me re-evaluate myself, am I an alcoholic or I am just a selfish ******* who has control but chooses not to use it. It must be so difficult for those who have never had to experience it to understand why I keep picking up the bottle but I am at the point now where I have admitted to myself I have no control over it. It still confuses me though.
My point is that I think she must think I'm doing this on purpose, that I was drunk of christmas day because of my lack of love for her or the rest of my family, because I am selfish, because I would prefer to be drunk than spend time with my family or because I have no respect for them. I literally have no recollection of this but I was basically scouring the house for any drop of alcohol I could find, my mother said I did this all day in between crashing out in bed.
Again, thank you guys for the words, I will definetly stick around here and I'm even thinking of re-attending AA.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,424
I had to drink every morning, but there's lots of members here who didn't need alcohol first thing in the morning buz...lives were still destroyed just as surely as mine was.
With all due respect to your mother...it's one thing to read about it, it's quite another to live it.
D
With all due respect to your mother...it's one thing to read about it, it's quite another to live it.
D
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 2,937
You don't have to tell your family your going to AA if you don't want.
This is your battle with the bottle and you fight it how you see fit or as quietly or loudly as you want.
I think that when people go to AA at first they feel they have to tell everyone.
But you don't.
Try some different meetings and just see. You will be amongst like minded people in most cases.
If you do find AA successful, and people notice a change in you - you don't have to say why. Just say your in a better place.
I used to go to a regular meeting every week in my lunch hour. None of my friends knew nor did my family. But I felt so much better for it. It was a little bit like a treat for me - a way of pampering myself like some people go the spa.
An hour just to focus on me and ways to get me better again.
Also it does not matter if your mother does not think your an alcoholic or not. IT'S WHAT YOU THINK THAT COUNTS. You don't have to fight your case with her or others.
Wishing you well
xxxx
This is your battle with the bottle and you fight it how you see fit or as quietly or loudly as you want.
I think that when people go to AA at first they feel they have to tell everyone.
But you don't.
Try some different meetings and just see. You will be amongst like minded people in most cases.
If you do find AA successful, and people notice a change in you - you don't have to say why. Just say your in a better place.
I used to go to a regular meeting every week in my lunch hour. None of my friends knew nor did my family. But I felt so much better for it. It was a little bit like a treat for me - a way of pampering myself like some people go the spa.
An hour just to focus on me and ways to get me better again.
Also it does not matter if your mother does not think your an alcoholic or not. IT'S WHAT YOU THINK THAT COUNTS. You don't have to fight your case with her or others.
Wishing you well
xxxx
Dismember
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: The Mitten, USA
Posts: 1,641
I'm sure she had the right intentions and kudos to her for doing some research, but I don't think she has it quite right. Alcoholism doesn't mean drinking in the morning. I only did that for a few months when things were at their worst. Dependence means the body requires alcohol to be "normal" but that doesn't mean one has to be drinking. That would suggest the alcoholism/dependence is only present when alcohol is in the body.
Family do not always "get it" quite right. But they deserve our sympathy as they're usually the innocent victims in an addiction, regardless of whether or not they have a proper understanding of the situation. Two years since my alcoholism became apparent to my family and my mom, God bless her, still has a lot of misinformed/codependent ideas about my alcoholism.
Family do not always "get it" quite right. But they deserve our sympathy as they're usually the innocent victims in an addiction, regardless of whether or not they have a proper understanding of the situation. Two years since my alcoholism became apparent to my family and my mom, God bless her, still has a lot of misinformed/codependent ideas about my alcoholism.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 2,937
I think your mother probably thinks the way she does because she might have a certain perception of an alcoholic. A down and out, living on the street, drinking out of a brown paper bag at 8.00 am. Most people think that way at first.
She also only wants the best for you. No mother wants their child to have a disease, struggle or be unwell.
However, what she might not understand is that if drink is causing you problems, then it might be time to consider you have a problem. If only one drink causes you to black out, fight with someone, hurt someone else, miss work, cause trouble with the police etc etc - then that means you may have a drink problem. It might only be one drink. There are no hard and fast rules.
If you need your mother to understand then maybe it might be worth explaining that alcohol makes you ill. You have an extreme reaction to it. If you had an extreme reaction to strawberries that made you ill, no doubt your mother would never encourage you to eat them.
Take care
xxxx
She also only wants the best for you. No mother wants their child to have a disease, struggle or be unwell.
However, what she might not understand is that if drink is causing you problems, then it might be time to consider you have a problem. If only one drink causes you to black out, fight with someone, hurt someone else, miss work, cause trouble with the police etc etc - then that means you may have a drink problem. It might only be one drink. There are no hard and fast rules.
If you need your mother to understand then maybe it might be worth explaining that alcohol makes you ill. You have an extreme reaction to it. If you had an extreme reaction to strawberries that made you ill, no doubt your mother would never encourage you to eat them.
Take care
xxxx
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Ohio
Posts: 304
I'm older, but story remains the same. I am reading post in lieu of heading to the store. Kicked a pain killer habit, but replaced it with more alcohol. Now, trying to quit alcohol as well. Right now as much as I would like to go the store, I'm choosing the only defense I have at this moment. I am not going there at least right now.
I understand this craving lessens, as you continue to strengthen that defense. I'm reading of people involved with sober recovery, that have sat and experienced exactly what I am saying with many years of sobriety. This can , has and will happen. You and I included. We are in in the right place. Thanks all
I understand this craving lessens, as you continue to strengthen that defense. I'm reading of people involved with sober recovery, that have sat and experienced exactly what I am saying with many years of sobriety. This can , has and will happen. You and I included. We are in in the right place. Thanks all
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 3
Hi guys, thanks for your words again! It's so nice just to be able to sit and read them at my own pace and time.
Today is saturday, which is usually the worst day in terms of wanting a drink for me. It is about this time I will head over to the shop to buy a 350ml bottle of vodka and tell myself i'll just have the one.
Well today I haven't even bought that one, I still went, but bought myself a redbull instead. This may sound quite profound considering i've only been here for less than 2 days, but I don't feel so alone after all the responses I got.
Anyway, I'm going to play some World of Warcraft now, sober! I know I can remain sober till the end of today because I want to.
Today is saturday, which is usually the worst day in terms of wanting a drink for me. It is about this time I will head over to the shop to buy a 350ml bottle of vodka and tell myself i'll just have the one.
Well today I haven't even bought that one, I still went, but bought myself a redbull instead. This may sound quite profound considering i've only been here for less than 2 days, but I don't feel so alone after all the responses I got.
Anyway, I'm going to play some World of Warcraft now, sober! I know I can remain sober till the end of today because I want to.
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