janitorking

i begin intensive outpatient rehab in a week. my immediate reaction after realizing that this was the course of action i would be taking was to go out and get bombed for a week until it began. i'm very tired. the realization that all you want in life is alcohol is both pathetic and terrifying. right now it feels like nothing will make me happy ever again. to drink was to experience joy for me or at least the sick, twisted equivalant. being numb and joy are the same thing in my diseased head. i don't like it. i want it to change. soon.

Orkney

The very best of luck ! you are not alone, plenty of folk here to give you support & encouragement when you need it.

Snarf

JK, it seems like you have a pretty negative attitude toward IOP and your recovery. May I ask why you're doing this? Is it a personal decision or court order or something of the like?

I began an IOP program 4.5 years ago, but I really didn't want to be there. My girl and my family and friends all wanted me to get help, but my heart wasn't in it, so my sobriety only lasted about 5 weeks and then I was out boozing again. That lasted until this past March, when I knew without a doubt that I absolutely had to stop drinking. It no longer holds the allure of fun or joy for me. My attitude is 180 degrees from what it was when I first tried the IOP and AA. And that change in attitude has made all the difference.

janitorking

signing up for IOP was a choice i made myself. it wasn't court ordered. i want to be sober and happy but at this point it kinda seems like having your cake and eating it too. know what i mean? my attitude is generally pretty negative because i've tried and failed so many times. however, i haven't given up. i'm determined to beat this b*st*rd. but it's determined to beat me too so only time will tell who's the strongest.

Snarf

I hear ya. You want all the blessings of a healthy, sober life, but it's hard to see how that life can be fun without the booze, huh?

I was really worried about not being able to have fun without alcohol. But I still go to baseball and football games (I just remember them now), still have dinner with friends, stuff like that. But I've also changed many of my habits. I no longer hang out in bars; I'm more content to be at home with my girl watching a movie or playing a video game. You can live a very full life without alcohol.

I tried to quit many times before my last drunk. But I knew good and well after that last time that if I kept going I'd destroy my life. So with help from SR.com, AA, and family and friends, I was able to put the bottle down 9 months ago and stay away from it ever since. You can do it too, and there's lots of people here to help you.

Dee74

I think IOP is a step in the right direction JK. I hope it helps.

I really hope you can stop drinking beforehand. I'd forgotten what joy was like too - 'joy' was anything that wasn't my grey existence - it was oblivion - not feeling the hate and disgust I felt all day, every day.

Stopping drinking was the first step to rediscovering what real, true joy is, for me.
D