imatryinhard

I think I am on day 33.

Things have been pretty crappy that last two days - today I want a drink. I know I can't have a drink so I just want everything to go away.

I've been going to AA meetings (2 per day) and had difficulties sharing at the meetings. Most everyone shares at a meeting except for me. An oldtimer spoke to me after the meeting about this and somewhat lectured me about not reeeeally doing recovery. That by just going to the meetings makes me a dry drunk.

Then an ex bf emails me (and yes i opened it) only to insult my physical appearance jokingly - but with truth.

A guy I went on date with a little over a month ago called me this morning and got to chatting. He told me how uninpressed I came off as a goodie-two-shoes and church girl and when finding out I was an alcoholic made him more impressed by me. I just can't snap out of feeling sorry for myself even will some of the good things.

I am so fed up. I don't get how to be truly grateful for anything even the great things.

I don't want to be a drunk I don't want to be recovered I just want to go away. Honest to God I am not motivated to do anything anymore.

Dee74

Hi Aimee

I'm sorry some people have been less than thoughtful to you. Sometimes sobriety is about learning to deal with the not so great days...you have a lot of good things going on, Aimee - try to focus on those

I also find posting to others here helped me to think less about myself on those days when I didn't really need to, you know?

As far as recovery goes - I listened politely to all opinions in the early days..I never knew when I might hear something good....

but I took to heart those who showed me by the way they lived that their recovery was working, not those who merely talked about it...I went for those who shared their experience of what worked, not those who simply lectured me about what I was doing wrong.

D

least

Just ignore the nay-saying oldtimer... there are jerks everywhere, even in recovery. Ignore the bf and the recent-date-guy too, both were being unkind and unhelpful. You deserve better. I hope you don't drink over this crap, you already know it won't help but will make things worse. I pray things smooth out for you soon.


It's alright to 'do nothing', just do it sober!

northland

That's why I don't go to AA meetings any more. Too many self absorbed people that think they know it all. There are other options to AA, it is not the end all when it comes to recovery

Fandy

Hi Aimee;

I'm sorry that you've had to deal with the jerks, they seem to be everywhere during this season....they think it gives them a license to run their mouths (why do these jerks feel so *entitled*)???

you are fine, just finding yourself and if you are not drinking, the sting is front and center...believe me i know...be gentle with yourself and post here for some support.

think of how far you have come and please believe that the best is yet to come for you. You have gotten through most of the holidays SOBER....this is huge....if you are not ready to talk yet, there is no time-line (or is there? IDK, i don't do AA).

you are such an intelligent self-providing person, you deserve someone who appreciates you.....not some self-centered egotistical email from an old BF who has nothing else to do.

big hugs to you.....

MsCooterBrown

"Then an ex bf emails me (and yes i opened it) only to insult my physical appearance jokingly - but with truth."

Yet another remark straight from a horses @ss. DO NOT listen to this garbage..Normal people do not even jokingly cut down others. Good thing he is an ex..with friends like this who needs enemies!

Tomorrow is a brand new day..when I have days like this the best thing to do is soak in a hot tub..and go to bed. Stay with us Ima. 33 days is over a month!!! Nice new start on your new sober life.

ISPYSOBRIETY

You're doing what's right for YOU. We all know that no booze is what's best. Don't mix feeling down or being downright depressed into anything alcohol can control. It can't mend relationships, make paychecks increase, buy gorceries, etc. It's inanimate and can't make you do anything, change the events around us or make them go away. They're there and that's life happening. All you have to do is realize that THAT stuff only fogs the head, decision making skills and possibly causes us to put the reality of the events around us off until the hang-over is there WITH the same events we avoided. But that's like drinking and flying a plane. Just that with booze, some aren't concerned with if they crash.

In this current sobered state, you can take control of issues, one at a time and remove them from the list of pending, then have a nice hot shower and let them go. You're free of that junk and it's negativity.

Toronto68

Imatry, I see some similarities in emotion with me and I am at over a year.

The oldtimer at AA might be really callous, etc, but if there is anything worthwhile in what he is saying, it might be that he doesn't want you to be in the same class of people he has experience at seeing not really appear to work on their recovery (sharing but probably Steps too) and instead just kind of sit there and drift away and then history repeats itself. He doesn't know everything about you though either, does he? He might be really difficult to tolerate, but at least there's an interest in seeing you succeed.

On the recent boyfriend, well, take that in stride. A little appreciation for persona ("bad-___ chick") doesn't have to be the end of it, but if he can't get over it, then I guess he is too shallow. And I think people probably do themselves a favour not to get back into dating in general when they are starting out their recovery anyway; so if it fizzles out, fine. Was he trying to tell you he didn't want to date anymore and using that as a reason? Maybe he needs to get used to more than one side to a romantic mate, so he spare himself some trouble early on - but I don't hold a PhD in Relationships.

And on the ex- one, I guess I am going to have to say not to dignify it (give it value) with a response. And that's not just about him, it's also about you. Maybe you're the one seeing more problem than there is. I am showing some expertise in that lately, I create problems for myself in my head, maybe out of a defence mechanism built in me that became habit over 35 years ago.

Rather than crumble everything up and toss it like useless papers, look back at what you have been doing. You've been interacting here a ton and that means working on recovery. You've been going to umpteen meetings and paying attention that way too. And you're also past the first month now. There's probably more you can add to this list of things. Why don't you take those things and absorb some credit for them instead? Find something to be satisfied about in all of that, and you will give yourself a chance at being satisfied again tomorrow. There will be plenty of opportunities to be miffed at everything under the sun all over again, but deal with those later. You should make today's job liking what you have now.

If you have the nerve to speak up at a meeting next time, do it, and hopefully Mr Oldtimer hears you. If he doesn't, then someone else will, and you can be glad you did it.

peanuts

I am only on Day Two, so I am looking at you with awe and admiration. That you have made it to 30+ days is completely amazing!!

Don't give up and don't feel bad. You are doing something incredible!!

Hang in there and keep in touch

Vanilla28

hey aimee.
i read this after i tried to send you a message. since i cant send you a private message (you have disabled it and have me worried) i tried to send you an email. i hope you are feeling a bit better. and pay no attention to what those dumb ass guys are saying. they are not worth your worries! you have been doing great and we are all very proud of you!

bonniep

aimee,

hey there. i'm on day thirty two. i'm feeling very similar. like ****. depressed. isolated. alone. it's hard to share at meetings (sounds like my group is a little more open - go shopping around! that particular AA meeting may not be for you. AA may not be for you. ). You gotta go at your pace, and do what you feel is right for your recovery. tonight at the meeting i received my thirty day chip and a woman came up to me and gave me a hug. she said "you don't have to do this alone." and we don't. timid. unsure. angry. depressed. confused as we may be about life at this time - support is imperative. looks like you are needing some from posting here tonight. and i thank you for that. your post has helped me a lot tonight. sobriety is hard. recovery is hard. being motivated for anything when you are depressed and refuse to do the things that we were so used to doing is hard. and some people are not going to be supportive in this journey. this is a sensitive time in our lives. we're young to recovery. we may question why the **** we are even doing this. but it is not theirs to tell us how to do it. it's also in incredible poor taste to pick on someone when they are down. there's a point in life where you have got to cut the poison out of your life. alcohol is poison. drugs are poison. people and their words can be poison too. think of someone you can call or write to talk to. and if you can't. then you've got us here. test out some other groups to. in your time you will want to share. keep on keeping on girl.

LiveLikeGold6

OMG Bonnie I loved what you said, there's a point in life where you have got to cut the poison out of your life. alcohol is poison. drugs are poison. people and their words can be poison too." Quoted for truth.

Aimee,

I find it hard to vocalize in meetings also. I am nervous, anxious, fidgety, and just a mess. But sometimes I just make myself raise my hand and just say "Leslie..Alcoholic.....I'm nervous to share but I just wanted to say I am grateful to be here and thank you all for your shares". Something short and honest. It does feel good to say a little something and it doesn't have to be some grand truth. Your 33 days sober and 33 miracles under your belt. Be your own friend and keep pushing forward.

LLG

NoAlcoholToday

It might be difficult to share at AA meetings, imatryinhard, but I just wanted to say thank you for sharing here on SR. Your contribution is a valuable one to lots of us.

Remember what my councellor said to me, imatryinhard. "Accept yourself for what you are and don't pay any mind to what other people think or say about you. It's the only true way to be content".

PS I only did 1 year of councelling so I had to do the follow up "12 years of alcoholism" course in order to learn this lesson!!

endlesspatience

That's great you made it to 33 days. I am sure there are a huge amount of positive benefits from that long period of sobriety. No hangovers, for example, and a lovely sense of self-control that often leads to a rise in self-esteem.

One small observation about the guy you went on a date with a little over a month ago. That was when you were still drinking, right? Was he drinking too? If so, that doesn't sound like a very good person to enter into a relationship with in the early stages of recovery, regardless of whether he is kind or mean, thoughtful or selfish, honest or dishonest.

drent

This guy is just an @sshole. I wouldn't give two sh*ts what he thinks.

Mark75

Is he an @sshole??

Look, I get it... struggling, day 33, wish all this BS would go away... I don't want to be an alkie, I don't want to be "recovered"... Can any of us say we woke up one day and said "I want to be an alcoholic and then do all the hard work to get recovered... Yay!!!!" ??

I remember a few old-timers coming up to me after meetings... saying things like what was said to you... WTF!!

While it may be unfair to compare what we go through in recovering from alcoholism to those who are cancer survivors, chemotherapy, radiation, all that... but I try to look at painful messages we receive from old-timers, counselors, sponsor... I try to see them as chemotherapy... it sucks, it hurts, it's painful... but our alcoholism will actually take everything away from us and kill us... just like cancer...

That old-timer was speaking to your illness, not you... if he is a recovered alcoholic in AA, then, although it is an assumption we make, and not all assumptions hold true... but if he is truly a recovered alcoholic in AA... he loves you... he hates your alcoholism, and hurt feelings are nothing compared to what your illness will do to you...

We have to learn to separate our alcoholism from us, we are not our illness... and we have to learn that recovery hurts, a lot, and often, especially early on... just like chemo.

So where are you in the steps? Do you believe that your higher power can restore you to sanity?

Peace.

Mark

Fandy

or maybe he WAS a judgmental a$$hole?

we'll never know, we weren't there.

How are you doing today Ima? i hope you are feeling better and stronger.

keithj

Maybe this guy's approach was not very polished. If he's anything like me, he's seen hundreds if not thousands of people come into the rooms of AA, never work the suggested program of recovery, and get drunk again.

A consideration I have is, are you really doing recovery in AA or are you just going to meetings? There is a big difference between the two. That guy got to be an oldtimer because he took certain actions that had been successful for others with alcoholism.

When I first tried to get sober, I had the same reaction as you. Those guys were offensive, telling me what to do, judging my progress, etc. I, too, hit 2 meetings a day. And after a while I got drunk again. When I came back, I was willing to do whatever it took. Those guys that had been successfully sober showed me the actions from the Big Book that they took to get stay sober.

My life changed quickly and dramatically, and it's never been the same.

imatryinhard, you're going to find plenty of people who will tell you to just do what you want, don't listen to anybody, don't take the suggested actions. And if it works for you, it's fantastic. But if it doesn't work, it might be worth paying attention to someone who has been where you are, and has found a way out.

Nyte Byrd

I don't know about 'most' others share in the rooms. Seems to me, most meetings I used to attend early on back in the '80's were so crowded, most didn't even get a chance to share.

And I think it's much to early on in your sobriety for any one to be labelling someone a dry drunk based on just 'not sharing'....but I don't know all the details of this person who may know you better. But I certainly wouldn't stop going to meetings over it, or use it as an excuse as some others may have thinking 'everyone' in AA are know it alls or something. There are as many people who think they know it all at the jobs we work at aren't there? Should we quit our jobs, too because of what one person said to us? People in our families can seem like know it alls, too? Should we just up and leave then? Maybe people who use that as an excuse to not go to AA should 'turn it around' and consider maybe to some others it is 'they' who may appear the 'know it all' to someone else, because they don't have what it takes to do what some others do...to sit in a chair and do the simplest thing. Just 'listen' to what others have to say.
No need to rebuttal. No need to argue. No need to criticize. Just 'listen'. No one says you have to agree with everything you hear. Someone may not like what they hear, and often it's because it's the truth....but even if it's not....they need to look at one thing....the person who may be sharing with them is the one who has been sober quite awhile....and I am sure their intention is well.

I've been told some hard things about myself I needed to be told. Some I didn't always agree with. But I at least learned to listen, and listened to learn. And I didn't whine about it. I took their best shots and sucked it up.

And I had to do the same at my job. I had to do the same in my home. That's life. And the sooner I learned that, the better. And the more 'practice' I got at it, the better. And AA not only gave me more practice at it, it gave me the 'tools' to learn how to deal with it better.

So I became thankful to those people who were trying to help me, even if some may have appeared as a know it all. Remember, a 'good' meeting is a positive meeting when I look for the positive there. If I go to meetings looking for the 'negative' all I will see is the negative, and in time, one will find their alibi to not go.

Some times it's okay to pat someone on the back. But when it looks like the bus is gonna run someone over, it's better to shove them to the curb.

Stick with it. Don't buy into the 'you don't need AA' crap, because someone else has an excuse to give up on it. Yeah, I know, I'm a know it all. :rotfxko Actually, the only thing I know is I know nothing other than I am sober and that there is a BIG difference between getting sober and staying sober.

Mark75

Maybe, Fandy, he was in fact a judgemental a$$hole... But maybe not, and what was his purpose, really, then... to be there at an AA meeting? Perhaps he was trying to pay it forward, to be there for the newcomers? To offer some of his own experience strength and hope? Or.... maybe should we assume that a recovered alcoholic who has recovered through the 12 steps... takes time out of his day to go to meetings with the purpose of judging and hurting newcomers...

What do you think we should assume, since that's all we can do? And what, really, is the more likely truth here? Should we tell ima that everything she hears at an AA meeting that hurts a little is just a bunch of judgmental BS spoken by a$$holes...

?