61 days sober...not sure i'll make 62
 

Well here i sit, 61 days sober today...not real sure that i will make it to 62. No, i haven't given up, and i do plan to fight this very strong urge that has been building over the past few days. I just cannot honestly predict the outcome.

For the most part this has been an easy ride...fought off a few triggers early on, then clear sailing until a couple days ago. I broke my first real attempt at sobriety in seven years of 111 days in the fall because i was feeling great about the rapid turnaround in my life's circumstances and thought i could handle a couple drinks, then home. After the seven weeks of drinking that followed, i had pretty much lost all that i had gained...and most notably and sadly, the woman i had planned to share the rest of my life with.

I started this curent sober odyssey sad, heartbroken, yet hopeful. On a positive note, i can honestly say that broken hearts do mend...my xgf is mere passing thought from time to time. The more difficult part about this is my commitment to not get involved in a relationship again until i have had a year of sobriety. I was married for 25 years...all but the last very good. Divorced 4 yrs ago and until the past two months have pretty much always been with somebody. When i am not drinking, i thrive in a relationship...so this year off is rather difficult to swallow.

My real issue is not that...it is the advancing decline of my Dad and his Alzheimer's. I spend every Saturday and half of Sunday with him...taking over for the caregivers. Last week, over Christmas I was there for five days. While advanced now, he has had this disease for more than a decade. He is still not at a point where an Alzheimer's ward is the answer. Have you ever seen one of those terrible, horrible places? Anyway, I often leave there in a depressed state...and the constant stress of that situation was for sure the catalyst that broke my 11 years of sobriety in the past...and has me feeling like drinking today!!

Well, i have gone on long enough...and since I do not have a significant other in my life to bounce this with, and AA meetings simply do not work for me, (yes, i have tried quite a few), i thought i would throw this out to my sr friends. For now, i am off to the gym and lunch with a good friend, then run some chores...the universe has the rest of the day.

Carlos:headbange

Dont throw away the achievement of 61 days !
HAving a drink wont change anything thats worrying you and upsetting your life right now - the world will look different tomorrow - take a drink and it will look worse as you will feel.
Be strong, rooting for you.

Whatever choice you make by tomorrow, remember, that responsibility is totally on you. It sounds like from having a previous 11 years sober, you should have at least learned that much in your previous sobriety.

I have been to several terrible, horrible places in my 23 years of sobriety, as well as others, but thankfully the joyous places and times have outnumbered them which I am grateful for in this 'reprieve' in life I have been given by Him.

I am sorry for your recent family difficulties you need to tend to and pray that things get easier for you.

I do not know what 'quite a few' means, as it varies for some. I know in 1984 and 1985, when I went, I thought going once a week was enough. Heck, I even went to 5 meetings in one month! What did those people want from me? :gaah

It wasn't till I came back in 1987, and I got serious, and made a commitment and went to 'daily' meetings. Got a sponsor. Actually worked the steps and applied them in my life that the promises began to come true in my life.
I don't know, maybe you have been through the process.
Now, prior to that, I said what you did. It didn't work for me. But I realized otherwise. I just didn't work for it. I know AA works for many who think it doesn't work. "Rarely" have we seen......well, I suppose you know the rest. I found there is a difference of being 'around' AA and 'in' AA. I would reconsider giving up on AA.

But somehow I get the feeling, you may have already projected failure with AA concerning yourself, but who knows, perhaps someone else may heed the words offered.

I wouldn't beat yourself up that bad. If you are still able to physically go work out at a gym (which I wasn't at only two months clean coming off withdrawals still), and have lunch with a good friend (not everyone has a good friend) and run some chores (not everyone even has enough money to buy what they need), then you don't really sound the worst for wear. You actually sound like you're doing better than you think for being only two months sober. So that's something positive going, isn't it?

Hey Carlos

Sorry to hear about the situation with your Dad. It must be terribly difficult for you at the moment.

You have been a shining light for some of us on the November thread so, from a purely selfish point of view, I would hope that you make it though this difficult time.

But more importantly, Carlos, you need to think of your girls. Alcohol is such a temporary respite from suffering but it has such a heavy price longer term. Every time you feel tempted to obliterate everything with alcohol because of your feelings for your Dad, you must remember that same obliteration will also apply to your girls too, even if you dont mean it too.

All our best wishes, Carlos. Keep posting here, ok?

I understand you are going through difficult personal times with your father right now, but please don't give in to the beast. You know from past experience there is nothing positive to come from it. After you sober up, not only will you still have the same problems you had before drinking, but you'll feel like crap and beat yourself up for the relapse.

Don't go there. You'll regret it. Deep breathes....

Hi Carlos,

Very sorry to hear about this trouble with your father. My family has been having a hard time with my grandmother's Alzheimer's as well. She still insists on being independent, on the other side of the country from us, even though signs are obvious she's struggling. Old world stubbornness.

Just remember that alcohol will not change your dad, will not change your relationship with your dad, or change your emotions. You'll either come right back to the same situation (only with a hangover and guilt) or you wont come back at all.

You can do it! Really, you can. And be careful of those "not sure" statements. Not speaking for you, but I know when I made them what I really was saying was "a part of me is making plans to go drink." In any case, you don't have to be sure, all you have to do is try.

Don't blow what you've accomplished for the past 61 days. As you've already pointed out to us, your past relapses don't end with a couple drinks. And remember, every time you return to drinking makes it that much more difficult to stop!

When I first quit, back in Sept, all I thought about was drinking. I really didn't pinpoint the "reasons" I wanted to drink. Now that the urges are infrequent, I have more time to think about the cause. The trigger is usually an emotion I want to hid from or avoid: Discomfort, shame, rage, depression. We alcoholics have to learn to face them sober. Not escape them through drink...accept them as normal reactions to what we are going through.

Carlos, your dad is sick. It is perfectly normal to be sad about that, to be stressed as a caretaker. Accept the emotions that come and they will pass in the normal course of time. Drink and you only forestall the healing of your hurt.

Good luck to you.

hey Carlos;

I am sorry about your father. My mother has advanced dementia and we have her in an excellent facility with professional caregivers...the stress of caring for an elderly parent was so draining on both me and my brother...we did the caregiver at home, but for my mother's health and safety, (and our sanity) we had no choice.

my mother's rapidly decline mental status was a huge trigger for me, but i try to find other outlets...and drinking certainly doesn't help my stress.

congrats on your 61 days and please get to 62.

I hope you don't drink over this stress. It won't make anything better, as you already know. Life can be so stressful but drinking will only make it worse. I pray you find or make the resolve not to drink.:hug:


'Nuff said...

Carlos,

I'm sorry you're having to go through this difficult time.
People have said that caring for a loved one who suffers with dementia is like an ongoing bereavement without the opportunity to grieve properly. It's so hard to be the "strong one" all the time, but the strength you will need will only be available if you stay as mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically healthy as possible.

The choices you make now will be choices you'll look back on in the future.

Please keep checking in, we're here for you.

Carlos,

I didn't go through the same level of dementia that your father had. But, when my mother was sick with cancer she had alot of dementia at the end. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to watch. We had to put her in a hospice at the end of her life. It was the hardest thing we ever had to do... and after she passed I went on a self destructive path of drinking and doing ALOT of drugs. I didn't want to feel/deal with my emotions so I shut them down (as best as I could being that they were still there when I came out of the bender). I say all of that to say drinking isn't going to solve any of your problems. Obviously you know how to keep yourself clean. Allow others in and accept help. Deal with what you are feeling and be proud that you are doing it sober.

Congrats... and keep going I am 10 days behind ya with 51 days.

Saliena

Man, lost the love of your life, but you felt it was an easy ride? I'm not saying this to be cruel, but was it really, that easy?

...and now you're thinking of drinking again? If you're an alcoholic, it may not be, that easy.

It sounds like you need a design for living w/ out alcohol. I'm an AA'er and you've mentioned AA isn't for you, so I'd suggest finding another program of recovery.

I had to realize that the answer to my alcoholism, may not come from my own head. My own thoughts got me into this mess, I needed someone elses thoughts to get me out of it.

It can be done. You never have to drink again. The obsession can be removed as I'm living proof.

Kjell

You can make it to day 62. Here's how:

1. Don't drink

2. Don't die.

Day 62 will be here in no time at all. Back to the 'ol Native American legend of the two wolves....

An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. "A fight is going on inside me," he said to the boy.

"It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil - he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego." He continued, "The other is good - he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you - and inside every other person, too."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."


So. Which wolf ya feedin'? We don't break out drunk once we are wrung out. We set up our falls....you are aware of your condition, and any decision you make is just that...a decision.

Think

Through

The

Drink

You are sober now. We have no assurances we will make it back here for another shot at it. Some get locked up, some don't bother trying anymore. Some die.

How's your luck been running?

Carlos...don't even think about drinking! It just not the answer my friend.

The stress of dealing with two ailing parents is ultimately what led me to drinking myself into a stupor! For years, I spent my days in and out of hospitals, going to Dr's appts and rehab facilities. I worked full-time and made myself the "official" full-time caregiver. Rarely sleeping and always worrying. In the end, I gave up drinking because it just wasn't helping me deal with the stresses anymore. I needed a clear head and a healthy body. I needed to be on top of my game so I can deal with whatever comes my way. Plus, my friends were starting to worry about me! The "strong one" was cracking under the pressure. And my self-esteem was taking a major nosedive.

I'm not going to lie to you....it has not been easy for me to stay sober these last 2 months. I have cravings every single day. But in the end, I find strength in you and the rest of my SR friends. And that's what keeps me going. Just knowing that there's someone out there that understands my pain.

I hope you find a way to push those negative thoughts aside and continue on your sober journey. We're all here pulling for you. :ring

Stay strong,

-2 :ghug3

There's a lot of good advice here Carlos.

I'm sorry for your situation - I dealt with the same thing with my grandmother.
Now I look back and wish I'd been sober more often to really treasure all the time I had with her.

I have faith you'll make it to day 62, mate :)
D

Doesn't sound to me like anything that a drink won't make worse.

Hope you get to day 62.

Hi Carlos, sorry to hear about your troubles. Good for you for moving forward after losing your ex and I hope you continue to move forward w/o slipping. My mom passed away 5 mths into my sobriety, everyone thought I'd drink except for me if anything her passing deepened my resolve to stay sober and to recover out of respect for her; I honor her life by my continued sobriety I hope you do the same for your father.

Sorry to know of your Dad's condition...it's a heartbreaking
disease for sure......:yup:

When I did private elder care..I sometimes went to Alzheimer's
wards......3 different ones in Pensacola.
Sad? yes. However..the regular staff was kind and caring.
IMO
should that come to me...I've already instructed my son
to not hesitate.

Hope you continue to win over alcohol...it certainly makes
my life smoother to be a non drinker...:)

I CHOOSE NOT TO DRINK!!!

Reading the posts from this thread has literally brought me to tears…and I’m pretty sure that they are tears of joy! I don’t think that I have the ability to express how grateful and thankful I am to ALL of you for your responses. Having SR in my life went from being a blessing, as I have said in the past, to a full-blown miracle today.

This situation with my Dad tears at my heart. Any meaningful quality of life has been ripped away from him. He has two of the most spectacular granddaughters on this earth…and he doesn’t even know who they are, what they have accomplished, how they plan to make their mark…etc. He was an engineer, did work on the US Capital Building, Empire State Building, PA State Capital Building…and he cannot even add 2+2 today.

Then there is also the side of me that is just plain sick and tired of having to be the parent in this relationship for the past 10 plus years…selfish I know, but true nonetheless.

Anyway, my wanting to drink crisis period has passed. I have also come to realize just how fragile my sobriety is…also, how precious it is, all in the same day.

I was lucky that I had SR today…but I also realize I need to become much more involved in a program that teaches a lifetime of sobriety. I will start on that search again tonight…as I will attend an AA meeting at 8PM.

Thanks everyone again from the bottom of my heart!!!

Love…Carlos

PS…Bring on day 62….

Plus, now I can finally go to the “Don’t Quit” thread I have posted and visited many times in the past, and post NO WAY, NOT TODAY.

I am glad you reconsidered and wish you better results in AA this time around and would be very much interested in learning down the road how things go. See if there is someone there after a little while who seems to have things of interest to you in sharing and some sobriety that you may consider asking to be a temp sponsor if you don't already have one.

Having a 90 year father with failing heart problems, and an 85 year mother myself, who recently fell and broke her hip, I can understand somewhat the helplessness you must be enduring. I am thankful my sister is in the immediate area of my parents, along with her husband to cartake them. I travel to do the same to give them a break when they wish to go on vacation occasionally. It got so stressful on my sister, she had to go for therapy herself, as it wasn't easy for her to cope with some of my dad's issues.

So, I'll tell ya what. I'll say some prayers for you, and you can return the favor if ya have time. :wink:

I've been doing this deal for some time now. Had some wonderful times in sobriety. Also had some times some others wouldn't wish to touch with a ten foot pole. But there's always others who have had things, I wouldn't wish to touch with a ten foot pole either. It could always be worse even when it feels it can't possibly be so. When it seems that way...it's just an illusion. Trust me.

And one thing that is a given. This too shall pass. Hang in there, my friend. Stay with the meetings and stay close to them. Get 'involved' there. Find a group that needs help. Share of yourself. You have a lot to offer others there in strength in experience.

It wasn't the old timers I got my strength from early on.

It was guys like you at meetings I listened to who were going through some rough times, when I just had maybe a week....and I noticed despite that, it was guys like you, that...KEPT COMING BACK!

Heck, at 23 years now, for me, it's just 'one day at a time'....it's no longer a 'long time' anymore.

This long term sobriety thing is a little overrated to me sometimes. It also tells me I'm getting older. :D