oakleaf82

I don't consider it a relapse by any means and I'm not "resetting" my sober date, but I'm still disappointed in myself. I had a really crappy Christmas, my husband and I were fighting all weekend, it was awful.

After all the family festivities, we went to our friend's house who has a party every Christmas night as it is also her birthday. These are more my husband's friends, not mine. All heavy drinkers, except the hostess, who incidentally does not drink. I didn't really want to go at all, but I was fine with it because I knew my husband wanted to go. The party started at 7--I tried to discuss ahead of time that I did not want to stay past midnight (do the math, that's five hours). He called me the "fun police" and said I was being exactly the kind of wife he couldn't stand. I really didn't have a choice NOT to go, as we were an hour and a half from home and I couldn't leave him there.

Anyway I was offered drinks several times, turned them down as I was designated driver. Then my friend who was trying some new beer said, "here want a sip" and before I knew it the bottle was in my hand. I took a TINY sip. More just got my lips wet. That was it. I don't even know why I did it. I didn't make me want more or anything. I was so annoyed by everything else that was going on. Watched my husband put down more than 10 beers (yes I was keeping track)

Anyway just venting I guess. I'm just really unhappy in my relationship right now. Most of those problems have nothing to do with drinking. I'm also annoyed that virtually all of our friends drink heavily. I was so irritated and really kind of disgusted with everyone; annoyed that this is my husband's idea of a good time.

dubbguy

no reason to beat yourself up..Who cares what anyone else considers a relapse but yourself.
If anything be glad it was only one sip as I don't think that would be possible for me. Obviously, you just don't want to turn it into a game of chicken with your sobriety with 2, 3, 4, sips...

mygrandfather

One thing I've learned for sure, SR is a place to come back to and know that you will be respected and listened to no matter what hapens. You are among friends here.

Ghostly

Glad your still here. Just be careful. I remember from your past Posts, it is difficult for you to stay away from these situations with alcohol. With a beer on your hand and taking a sip...well you are stronger than a lot of people I know that it was only a sip. Still...those situations can turn out worse.

Glad you got to vent, and I hope you're feelin better.

oakleaf82

I know it can be a slippery slope. I don't plan on taking any more "sips" or testing fate with moderation. Actually, this has helped me in that I've been sort of obsessing over it and came up with all sorts of ways I "should have" handled it. Such as just saying no thanks. Or no thanks I'm sick and you don't want to catch this. Or just pretending to take a sip.

I can honestly say I had no desire at all to drink at all. And even the small taste I had did not change that (it was a cider beer and it was pretty gross). It didn't make me want more or start that internal voice that usually says "F it just have a drink already".

I need some new friends.

My husband doesn't pressure me at all. But he also does not understand why I don't want to hang out at a house party for more than five hours. Once he starts drinking; it is very hard to get him to stop and he gets SO ANNOYING. I wish he would quit too. I don't think he is ready. He has had some really messed up stuff happen to him and when he drink, he thinks and talks about morbid stuff--there's some things he needs to work through and I think he would deal with a lot better if he were sober.

Toronto68

Oak, I can relate to the lack of interest in spending the time in that context, but I also think you have to consider the fact that the prospect of just taking a sip or more could crop up in many different forms. In this case, you were getting weary at a place a far drive (and walk) from home and finally gave in. Imagine it being possible that you are ticked off for a number of reasons closer to home next time; and that time it might not stop at a sip?

I have been away from drinking scenarios the vast majority of the past year (what I can recall: two dinner/house parties and 2 dinners at a restaurant with somebody who wanted to drink both times - not Mr Man About Town lately). So I can't claim to be an expert at "handling it" in these kinds of environments. In each of those instances, I had a pretty good strategy for exiting if I needed to. I drove myself each time and, if it came down to it, I could have left if it was urgent. Might have been dramatic or drastic, but if I had been really ticked off or felt at risk, I could've found the audacity to say "Stuff this" and go away, and deal with the reactions toward me later if at all.

I can see why you wouldn't have had the same luxuries or safeguards in place. It was far, you were with your husband, and he would have been stuck there if you had taken off. Plus, it's Xmastime, and that probably added to the obligation factor.

I would say that you were pretty successful in getting through the night and only letting hardly a sip go past your lips. But I also see that as lucky you didn't go further. And I expect that other replies you might get here might give you a more stern approach. I would agree with a basic mention that it's part of new sobriety to get used to the fact that the world doesn't revolve around you and your fortunate path of sobriety. To some extent, other people truly are ________ (take your pick for an unpleasant name), but at the same time, it's not their sobriety that is at stake. It's your own, and you're the boss of your own - along with your higher power, if you have one and look at it that way. I think it's very reasonable to say that it takes time to learn how to adjust to this reality and also how to orchestrate the special ways to get out of risky situations; to be able to exit if it's that urgent.

So I say you are welcome to vent out all that you think was crummy up to and including the party and the bottle incident; but I also encourage you not to forget what is at stake and how circumstances (people/places/things) cannot be at fault for the choice to drink (which you now have). You have to be in the driver's seat with this.

oakleaf82

Believe me. If we had been close to home, I would not have set foot in that party. I'm not trying to blame other people for my difficulty in not drinking. Learning how to be sober in these situations is hard work.

This is going to be an issue every time we visit family. I am not a very social person, but my husband is. So naturally, whenever we go out of town to visit, he wants to see all his old drinking friends or hit up the bars; and I have to tag along, because there's nowhere else to go.

Not trying to make excuses or sound whiney. I just really needed to vent. Thanks for listening.

fallenxruby

i just wrote a post very similar to this. the holidays have been exceptionally tough for me. i get SO irritated when other people drink around me. my sister claims it's jealousy, but then i go to a meeting and i know that my soul feels like it is the best way to live life. my boyfriend keeps doing a wishy-washy version of recovery, but i feel like i'm so hard on him when he does mess up, that i might be more of a hindrance than a help to him right now. i just wish i didn't have to change people, places or things, but i'm not that much of zen master about this stuff! i feel like my very entrance into drinking and using drugs was a "can't beat 'em join 'em" notion because i have so much addiction in my family and chose friends who experimented while i was still strongly against drugs. it's so easy for me to blame my environment...and i'm realizing through recovery that i need to change me. i just wish i could be one light bulb moment and then i could learn how to not be such a party pooper and still shine brightly and be positive and kind to people while not using drugs or alcohol. why can't i do that?!

Dee74

Hi Oakleaf

If there's on thing I've learned it's that you can't straddle the fence.

You can learn to live sober, and deal with any situation without booze - I just spent three days surrounded by all manner of booze - but it takes work and time...and I don't believe you can do that by taking sips, however small they may be.

Been there done that - it was not a successful solution for me. Put a beer in my hand and, sooner or later, I end up at square one again.

If your family is not supportive - why not find yourself some support - you have support here of course, but if you haven't already why not check out a recovery group as well ?

D

Mark75

YOU CAN!!! Probably not right away and probably with a different set of expectations... This is all about what a good program of recovery can do! As you have no doubt read, it ain't about the alcohol, it's about us. Changing and developing.... AA is an excellent choice and addresses this very issue... head on and wide open!! All you need is honesty, willingness and open mindedness.

Well you and the OP (Hi Oakleaf!!) have almost made it... Just NYE and then you're past all this holiday stuff... phew!!

Oakleaf... My college age son is home... He is 22 and loves fancy beers... (Gee... wonder where he got that... LOL... He doesn't worry me, yet, though...) And while I never entertained seriously having a taste, not for a moment, thank God, I did have a passing thought about what that seasonal brew must taste like... so yeah I get it! ....(My first Christmas sober, that would have been a disaster!!)..... I wouldn't reset the date, although someone else might... not as a punishment, not at all ... but as a reminder and an acknowledgement that while you are doing very well... you've yet to be recovered. Keep working on this and being honest like you are, that's what this takes.... And Keep Coming Back!!!!

I don't know, all we can do is share our own experience and that's mine.

Oh... by the way, oakleaf, that sounds like one sh1tty night... that party, your husband's doltish remark.... This all gets much better, you'll see!

stephnc

Oak, I am so sorry you had to endure that party. There's nothing worse than being stuck somewhere you don't want to be without having an escape...so congratulations to you on handling the situation however you managed to handle it.

I don't think that one sip of beer should even register on your radar. It wasn't a relapse. Please don't be hard on yourself. You did exactly the right thing to come here and post/vent about what happened. Hang in there girl!

Stephanie

Fandy

welcome oak....it sounds like you are trying really hard to work on your own issues and stop drinking...you husband may not cause you "pressure" but maybe you are also taking on his problems in that you arebeing supportive to his social scene which involves heavy drinking.

why can't he be supportive towards what you are doing? would he participate in some sober activities with you...(even dinner and a movie)?

it's hard enough to not drink early on without the constant reminders and others who drink....

Untoxicated

I'm really sorry to hear that oak.

I know how you feel, I had to break up with my girlfriend of three years in August in order to get and stay sober.

Sending prayers and positive vibes your way!

Britta

Hi Oakleaf,
Wow! You are one strong willed woman!! I don't know if I could have stopped at one sip. I'm not here to tsk tsk you. I completely understand. It was X-mas, your friend's birthday (well, your ah's friend's), far from home, and among a house full of partiers. Talk about the worst case scenario!! It's so sad that your husband cannot understand your new path. You need to focus on what is right for you. If that means making new friends, then so be it. Don't beat yourself up over this. You are only human...
Britta

Anna

Maybe there is a movie theatre in town, or something touristy that you could do instead of visiting your husband's drinking buddies. Or is there anyone else in the town (a non-drinker) who you visit and spend time with?

BobGT

Hi Oakleaf, It's good that you made it through a tough situation pretty much unscathed. Although you had a close call, you should be proud of yourself.

It sounds like you think you will have to attend this type of party in the future with your husband. I would recommend making a new rule of no bottles in your hand. It sounds kind of dumb, but no one will force feed you a beer, lol.

Anyway, good going stopping with just wetting your lips.

Isaiah

Kudos! While taking a sip is not great, that your sobriety kicked back in that fast really is. I don't think many of us would've come around like that.

I am the last person who should dispense relationship advice, but seems to me that working out your relationship with your husband with regards to your sobriety is something to aim toward. I think that "fun police" comment shows a total lack of understanding about sobriety. You might look for advice on how to broach that because it sounds like his attitude is not sobriety-enhancing for you.

Maryjan

Oak, I am dealing with a similar issue. Does anyone have advice about how to handle a drinking spouse? right now I am saying NO to boozy events, but I did feel
Like a loser last night when my husband went out to the pub I used to hang out at. Here I was with the kids, and not out, like a fun person would be. But part of me said, well, ok, here I am with a fire and a book, and it's pretty nice. Maybe where I wanted to be all along. I thought about how I could treat myself for staying home...buying a book on line or something. (I am a bookworm.). But I did feel abandoned, and sad, and lonely. I don't really want to go out drinking (I can't!!), but anyway, I hear you. It's hard. I think you did an excellent job in a bad situation. But I do think it's best to say, "Go. Have fun. I will be doing my own thing.". (whatever that is!)

DayTrader

I assume their drinking habits probably didn't become "a problem" until you quit partying yourself? I'm gonna guess the same could possibly be said of your husband too? .........so, if either or both of those are true.......the problem isn't him, or them, it's right where it is for just about every problem in an alcoholic's life - within the alcoholic. That's good news though, because at least if the problem is you and/or your thinking, you've got a chance to work on it, straighten it out, and get past it. If the problem really was everyone else....and everything else....you'd have no shot, yanno? If you're working a solid recovery program, that understanding will more than likely come in time.

Alcoholics are self-seekers, self-centered, selfish, and usually rather immature. When I first got sober, I had this intense desire to NOT be that way anymore. To that end, I was almost fanatic in my requests for friends and family to NOT feel like they had to "support me" in this new lifestyle I had chosen. I didn't want anyone to feel like they couldn't party around me anymore, or have some drinks with dinner, or whatever - just because I was hanging around and because I chose a sober lifestyle for myself.

It's healthy that you don't "expect" people to support you.... or to change their lifestyles for you. Whether that person is a spouse, family member or a friend.... this sober lifestyle that we chose to live, is up to us to live out, not them. That doesn't mean, though......that you need to participate in every drunk-fest that rolls around. If I feel like I "should" go, I go........but I always have an escape plan ready before I leave for the party.

People who are partying and may/may not be alcoholics just aren't going to understand you.......nor will they have any desire to understand you - and that's going to have to be something you get with...and get OK with. It sounds like you're working toward that.....which is good. True recovery, for me, means I don't need the world or the people in it to change for me to stay sober or to be happy. I doesn't matter if friends, relatives or significant others "understand me" or "support me" in sobriety. Recovery tells me I don't have to derive my happiness and/or self-worth from other ppl anymore...and that's when life gets fun.

At first though, it IS tough, it IS confusing, and the changes you're experiencing are going to be profound. People not in recovery simply will not "get it." And really, why would they? We didn't "get it" until we ......got it, yanno?

artsoul

Hey oak -hang in there.... I agree with Britta: you got nailed from all directions (hubby drinking, Christmas, bars, friends pressuring you)...... Wow, I probably would have been an emotional wreck.

I just had to share an experience I had a couple weeks ago. I was with family attending my daughter's college graduation and we went to a restaurant afterwards. Everyone except me ordered alcoholic drinks and my daughter (who was sitting next to me) got a really fun, interesting looking drink. I caught myself almost picking up her drinking just to taste it and then realized what I was doing. Whoops! My daughter and I had a little chuckle about it, but I think it made me feel a little vulnerable. This disease scares me, and I've relapsed twice, so while it was a mindless act, it still affected me.

I'm just glad you hung in there and I just hope you and your husband can work out some kind of compromise or new plan for those social/family times. You may benefit from the comments in the Family/Friends of Alcoholics Section too. I wish you all the best - hugs/prayers......