Trying to Convince Yourself You Are Done
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2
Trying to Convince Yourself You Are Done
I have been abusing alcohol for years almost every night, and often every day. My life is **** and I know alcohol is the main problem. I keep 'trying' to get sober, but the most time I have gotten has been 11 days. I have read and filled out countless recovery packets and forms, and have intellectually known I am an alcoholic for over two years. After I start to physically recover from withdrawals, liver pain, etc., I just mentally deteriorate, feel like ****, and justify drinking.
"Rational Recovery" methods have been no use. Neither has Psychiatrists, group meetings, or AA. Loneliness, depression, and sleep are my main triggers. For the past six months I have gone to an AA meeting almost every night, but I don't really have any social skills, and I just end up feeling more isolated.
"Rational Recovery" methods have been no use. Neither has Psychiatrists, group meetings, or AA. Loneliness, depression, and sleep are my main triggers. For the past six months I have gone to an AA meeting almost every night, but I don't really have any social skills, and I just end up feeling more isolated.
Glad you are here. This place has helped me alot with my recovery. You are not alone. Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 144
hello Siv-
Here we are. Angelina said it: We're here (like the Whos in Whoville). You are not alone even if you feel that way--here's a good-fellow-well-met from across the Internets.
It's really difficult when sleep is not right. It took more than a few weeks of suffering to regulate my days--waking earlier and making sure I was in bed at a decent time even if it didn't seem as if sleep would ever come. They call it "sleep hygiene" which makes me kind of laugh. Not that it always works, but it helps to be aware of the process (because yeah, here I am early as I've had to stay up because of Christmas). Thing is, you have to keep trying to make that right.
Keep trying to connect. Well then! You just did here! Welcome.
Here we are. Angelina said it: We're here (like the Whos in Whoville). You are not alone even if you feel that way--here's a good-fellow-well-met from across the Internets.
It's really difficult when sleep is not right. It took more than a few weeks of suffering to regulate my days--waking earlier and making sure I was in bed at a decent time even if it didn't seem as if sleep would ever come. They call it "sleep hygiene" which makes me kind of laugh. Not that it always works, but it helps to be aware of the process (because yeah, here I am early as I've had to stay up because of Christmas). Thing is, you have to keep trying to make that right.
Keep trying to connect. Well then! You just did here! Welcome.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Siv))) - welcome to SR! Though crack was my DOC, I'd been through years of abusing first, alcohol, then quit that and went onto opiates. Got into a 12-step program, but didn't listen to my sponsor and hooked up with someone who introduced me to crack.
I can't tell you exactly what it was that made me say "enough...I can't do this any more" but even when I got to that point, I had to pray "to be willing to be wiling to not want to spend my every moment getting numb". I wasn't one who could say "I'm not every going to do that again"...nah, I had to say "okay, for the next 5 minutes, I won't use" and go from there.
SR has been a huge part of my recovery. I've been through some pretty tough times, since I said "no more", but even when it's slow here, like it may be this weekend, I've always found someone here that cares and understands.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I can't tell you exactly what it was that made me say "enough...I can't do this any more" but even when I got to that point, I had to pray "to be willing to be wiling to not want to spend my every moment getting numb". I wasn't one who could say "I'm not every going to do that again"...nah, I had to say "okay, for the next 5 minutes, I won't use" and go from there.
SR has been a huge part of my recovery. I've been through some pretty tough times, since I said "no more", but even when it's slow here, like it may be this weekend, I've always found someone here that cares and understands.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2
Thanks. The only social contact I have had in the past few years has been online. So, I guess I will try this. AA has just made me feel worse--once I started being honest with my struggles, people started caring more about my sobriety than I apparently do, which makes me feel like ****. I am fairly young (26), but only identify mostly with much older alcoholics: night terrors, liver 'problems', isolation, etc..
I don't know how to stop the other voices in my head from convincing me I need to drink. I know I can't and shouldn't drink. This has been clear to me for a while. Every person I talk to recommends extended treatment, but I don't think that would work for me. I fear I'd end up killing myself if I were to go to a facility.
I don't know how to stop the other voices in my head from convincing me I need to drink. I know I can't and shouldn't drink. This has been clear to me for a while. Every person I talk to recommends extended treatment, but I don't think that would work for me. I fear I'd end up killing myself if I were to go to a facility.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Germany
Posts: 2,058
Siv- Welcome to SR and know you have our support and are not alone.
I spent years on self destruct and while I wanted to be sober more then anything in the latter years of my drinking I felt hopeless and of course would drink more because of it. I also had an eff it attitude because I just couldn't handle the internal struggle I faced on a daily basis.
What I can share is that there is a better way and there is life beyond our addiction. I not only got sober (that didn't take me too far) but I got into recovery which allows me to have the life I have today. I have done much work but the thing was I didn't give up and I know I had the willingness to try anything to make it work. I said for years that my problem was mine alone and no one was gonna fix it. True, no one can "fix" it but by coming to SR, I found support and encouragement from folks who were just like me and understood what I felt. I thought I was unique and different and coming here.....nooooo folks could relate to me and I saw that they were living better lives.
There are so many options available to you and what I found worked for me was finding one that I thought might be a good fit and working it 100%. Yes, my recovery was selfish at first but the only way to really work was to focus soley on it and on me.
You can do this and the fact you are here speaks volumes of your desire. Take a look around and know that everyone here gets it.
Looking forward to your journey.
I spent years on self destruct and while I wanted to be sober more then anything in the latter years of my drinking I felt hopeless and of course would drink more because of it. I also had an eff it attitude because I just couldn't handle the internal struggle I faced on a daily basis.
What I can share is that there is a better way and there is life beyond our addiction. I not only got sober (that didn't take me too far) but I got into recovery which allows me to have the life I have today. I have done much work but the thing was I didn't give up and I know I had the willingness to try anything to make it work. I said for years that my problem was mine alone and no one was gonna fix it. True, no one can "fix" it but by coming to SR, I found support and encouragement from folks who were just like me and understood what I felt. I thought I was unique and different and coming here.....nooooo folks could relate to me and I saw that they were living better lives.
There are so many options available to you and what I found worked for me was finding one that I thought might be a good fit and working it 100%. Yes, my recovery was selfish at first but the only way to really work was to focus soley on it and on me.
You can do this and the fact you are here speaks volumes of your desire. Take a look around and know that everyone here gets it.
Looking forward to your journey.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
I found i could feeel isoltaed anywhere...going to an AA meeting was no different, i could always find a difference between me and another human being and that was enough for me to think that i was all alone and no-one was like me...i felt isolated and alone in the bar and i felt the same in the meetings...until...i got a sponsor and started working the steps which meant that i was actually doing something about my problem, following in the footsteps of someone who had long term sobriety and was happy...
I did all the other routes with varying "successes" but i was never really honest with myself or others and didn't really want to stop drinking, it was all i knew and i couldn't imagine living without it...the steps of AA stopped the pain of living, gave me a fresh start, restored me to sanity and showed me how to live for the first time with myself and other people...
The steps won't work for everyone as most alcoholics are going to go on with this crap until they die regardless...but it will help any alcoholic who is ready and willing to do the work and change...unless we change inside its just a break between drinks and that break can last a lifetime, a lifetime of struggle and living a half life...
I did all the other routes with varying "successes" but i was never really honest with myself or others and didn't really want to stop drinking, it was all i knew and i couldn't imagine living without it...the steps of AA stopped the pain of living, gave me a fresh start, restored me to sanity and showed me how to live for the first time with myself and other people...
The steps won't work for everyone as most alcoholics are going to go on with this crap until they die regardless...but it will help any alcoholic who is ready and willing to do the work and change...unless we change inside its just a break between drinks and that break can last a lifetime, a lifetime of struggle and living a half life...
Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Oxnard (The Nard), CA, USA.
Posts: 13,947
In addiction I had become a recluse living in fear of everything. Loneliness was one the biggest obstacles I have ever overcome. It took lots of time and great effort to do. I had to risk facing all my fears that I had and I was racked with fear. I pushed myself to meet people in recovery.
Although the risks were great the rewards were greater. There is hope.
Although the risks were great the rewards were greater. There is hope.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,497
Hi and Welcome!
Please know that there is hope and we do understand.
I was a slave to my addict voice for a long time, and I know it can make you feel lost. One thing that helped me, was to know that my feelings and emotions didn't need to control me. When I was able to see that they were just 'there', then I could feel them and let them go.
We have a great online community here and I hope you keep posting.
Please know that there is hope and we do understand.
I was a slave to my addict voice for a long time, and I know it can make you feel lost. One thing that helped me, was to know that my feelings and emotions didn't need to control me. When I was able to see that they were just 'there', then I could feel them and let them go.
We have a great online community here and I hope you keep posting.
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