My Exorcist
 

Today was the day I came close to throwing in the towel and surrendering to alcohol. The feeling (yes, just a feeling) overwhelmed and consumed me literally bringing me to my knees in a full sob. I swear I could taste Merot in my mouth. I raced to an AA meeting shaking uncontrollably and wanted to shout to everyone that I wanted to rip my skin off and get drunk. I waited and waited and waited for my turn to speak but just couldn’t do it all the while shaking with urges I did not know I even had. The meeting was about to close and the chair speaker asked the question “anyone have anything burning to say” - I sobbed and shouted I WANT TO GET DRUNK RIGHT NOW!!! While sobbing. I could still taste the Merlot and sobbing looking for an exit to run - run to the grocery store. People were so very helpful and concerned. They asked me if I was going to be OK and truth be told I wasn’t. I wasn’t even sure where this hellacious burning desire even came from. I told the people that I didn’t understand where this desperation for a drunk came from – not a drink but a full on desire to get drunk. I couldn’t understand it nothing set me off. Everything had been going OK. This feeling was unlike anything I’ve felt and was utterly unexpected. It was a physical pain I cannot describe. A nice man looked at me and said “because doll, you’re and alcoholic – that’s why you feel this way”.

This phenomenon (it felt like a phenomenon to me) made me TRULY understand my alcoholism is more than just will power for me. THIS felt like I needed a G**D*** exorcist. Thank GOD there were people around me that were other alcoholics who understood and could calm me down. NO WAY in hell could I have stayed sober without their help.

I write this in disbelief. Yes, I am an alcoholic… but I am REEEEALLY an alcoholic. I made it through the torture thanks to something greater than me no doubt.

December 26th will be my 30 days of sobriety.

I'm thinking good things and sending some of those good thoughts your way. Let's do this together.

:)


:hug:

For some reason 30, 60, & 90 days are very difficult - which is one of the reasons AA gives chips out on those anniversaries. I know it wasn't a pleasant experience, but you handled it well ima, congrats!

Congratulations on your sobriety. Thank God there is a solution. I know that feeling that you spoke of. Thought I would never get past it, but I have just like you and others before us have. I could never have gotten sober alone. Sharing with the help of others is what it is all about. Have a Merry, Sober Christmas.

We understand! I'm glad you came here to tell how you feel. This is just one phase you're going through, and it will ease up. You did great.

Together sounds great!

:grouphug:

It. Was. Terrifying.

Thank you! It helps knowing I am not alone with that "thing" i experienced, but i wouldn't wish it on anyone.

Is there a technical name for that experience I had?! I suppose it doesnt matter. I lived through it and still sober! Thank you for making me feel not alone and like I was insane for going through that! Thanks!

Thank you!!! :grouphug:

It really does get better...... I remember those sudden compulsive urges (like being hit over the head by a two-by-four). No fun at all and can verge on a full blown panic attack (you may want to check out ways to cope with panic attacks in case another one happens to you down the road). Eating helped me more than once, as did coming here and reading like mad....

Great job for getting through it!:c031:

backatchya :hug:

LOL you know it! YES - i felt like i was going to have a full blown panic attack. WHAT IS THIS!!???? It came out of left field.

Wow, amazing how you wrote about this. I could actually feel it.
Thank God you knew where to go and who to talk to......
Yep, Thank God.
You are a hero imatryinhard.

Beth

Oh Beth.. have you felt this before? It was a awful. I've been doing good too - not sure what the hell happened.

How are you doing?

Oh yes, when I first got sober, i just got out of inpatient rehab, I thought I was on a pink cloud. And this rush of the actual taste of a cool pop (i called my beers cool pops) had me breathing heavy and I felt dizzy. I went to the hospital just off base, and that is where the meetings were held too.
The guy that ran the meeting was outside asked,
"Whats up D, you look like you seen a ghost."
I laughed and the tension in me broke. I told him about my rush and dizziness, and he calmly said,
"Yeah, happens sometimes, but you made it here right?"
He was a cool guy. I miss him.
I was stationed in Germany. I miss Germany too.
Sigh....
A wonderful place to be during this season.

Beth

December 26th till be 30 days of sobriety for me as well. I truly can't believe it. I found out yesterday that the emotions I've been going through are actually the same as grieving a loss, as in the loss of alcohol from my life as it was my close friend for so long. A close friend that came back to bite me in the a$$ and literally ripped every inch of hope out of my life. I've cried, gotten pissed, and also been happy all in the same few hours of time. This stuff is no walk in the park, but it sure beats being dead. Just my thoughts and yea, I'm here with ya and we WILL make 30 days and even more, I just know it. Happy Holidays everybody, talk soon.........

You're right - it is no walk in the park. If I could get through that "thing" I experienced today - no doubt I will be right with you on day 30.

Great job and thanks for letting me know u have the same sobriety date. I will keep my eye out for ya! :)

G'Day Ima, you did good. Have a read through this link, I think it may help.

Merry Christmas to you!

Post Acute Withdrawl - Relapse Prevention Specialists - TLC The Living Center

Good to know you knew where to go with your crisis
:hug:
Joe did too...I met him at my noon meeting
and I seriously doubt he is drinking tonight.

Well done on preserving your sobriety...:funjump: