Rinse and repeat (warning: rant ahoy)
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Join Date: Oct 2010
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Rinse and repeat (warning: rant ahoy)
No seriously, its a rant. I'm not going to say anything nice or positive. Probably if you try to support me I'll be like I don't really know why I'm here. Maybe I hope I'll say something ameliorating in a few hours, when I calm down a bit. Maybe.
So, three days clean, fall off the wagon, four days, fall off, five days, fall off...now seven, and big surprise, I fell off yesterday. My rear end is outraged.
Determined self flagellation is the order of my days. I am angry, for instance, that I disappeared from here almost immediately after the most well-intentioned, yearning-to-recover hello and dove back to old patterns. Angry, too, that I'm rude enough to come back here only to vent, rather than contribute something positive. I mutter under breath at NA meetings as though incanting, trying to conjure a sort of wall around me. My story is nothing to theirs; grainy black and white to their high res. The drug addict's is the silliest of ridiculum vitaes, hardly something to compete in and yet somehow I've established a grading system and ensured I come out lowest, so I can go eat worms. (Translated into my life this reads: go back to my heavy-fisted, cokefiend boyfriend, whom I left barely two days ago) But mostly I avoid meetings at present.
There's a whole barrage of other irritations and itches in my spirit right now, fermenting under my skin (I want to tear off my skin, I'm hot). Lots of them...but you get the idea. I come here, then, stinking of self pity, longing for my self destructive baggies of tricks and nothing more to say for myself, and...I dunno, sorry I guess...?
So, three days clean, fall off the wagon, four days, fall off, five days, fall off...now seven, and big surprise, I fell off yesterday. My rear end is outraged.
Determined self flagellation is the order of my days. I am angry, for instance, that I disappeared from here almost immediately after the most well-intentioned, yearning-to-recover hello and dove back to old patterns. Angry, too, that I'm rude enough to come back here only to vent, rather than contribute something positive. I mutter under breath at NA meetings as though incanting, trying to conjure a sort of wall around me. My story is nothing to theirs; grainy black and white to their high res. The drug addict's is the silliest of ridiculum vitaes, hardly something to compete in and yet somehow I've established a grading system and ensured I come out lowest, so I can go eat worms. (Translated into my life this reads: go back to my heavy-fisted, cokefiend boyfriend, whom I left barely two days ago) But mostly I avoid meetings at present.
There's a whole barrage of other irritations and itches in my spirit right now, fermenting under my skin (I want to tear off my skin, I'm hot). Lots of them...but you get the idea. I come here, then, stinking of self pity, longing for my self destructive baggies of tricks and nothing more to say for myself, and...I dunno, sorry I guess...?
Welcome back!
You sound really frustrated, so what are you going to do differently this time? What changes can you make in your life so that you stay sober? I was very angry at myself too when I realized what a horrible mess I'd gotten myself into. You can use that anger to help you move forward in your recovery.
And, please know that, for all of us, sometimes we take and sometimes we give, so don't stress about that.
You sound really frustrated, so what are you going to do differently this time? What changes can you make in your life so that you stay sober? I was very angry at myself too when I realized what a horrible mess I'd gotten myself into. You can use that anger to help you move forward in your recovery.
And, please know that, for all of us, sometimes we take and sometimes we give, so don't stress about that.
Wow Whimsiclette, I just wanted to compliment you on your writing. You are a really good writer!
Posting here about your determined self flagellation will not get you people who are all because your writing skills make me more like so keep coming back! You can get to the other side.
Posting here about your determined self flagellation will not get you people who are all because your writing skills make me more like so keep coming back! You can get to the other side.
Whims - you can stop feeling this way. I drank for a lifetime and finally got out. It only seems impossible in the beginning. You can come out into the sunshine again, and reclaim your life.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Whistler, British Columbia
Posts: 222
No seriously, its a rant. I'm not going to say anything nice or positive. Probably if you try to support me I'll be like I don't really know why I'm here. Maybe I hope I'll say something ameliorating in a few hours, when I calm down a bit. Maybe.
Angry, too, that I'm rude enough to come back here only to vent, rather than contribute something positive.
Angry, too, that I'm rude enough to come back here only to vent, rather than contribute something positive.
The good news is your days clean are getting more and more each time you are trying. And you are still here posting trying to figure this all out.
Your recovery is my recovery...
I suggest that you stop beating yourself up because you're an alcoholic. Hey, we're all alcoholics here and want to help. Someone suggested planning on what you're going to do differently this time .... it's time to let the ego go and just take action.
Whim, your back and that is what counts. Your story isn't special or unique. It took me so many attempts before I got it.
I also see that your clean time increases so why not do it for good this time. You know you can but I think keeping with the support here and face to face will really help.
Hang in there and don't give up. Believe me there is a better way.
I also see that your clean time increases so why not do it for good this time. You know you can but I think keeping with the support here and face to face will really help.
Hang in there and don't give up. Believe me there is a better way.
All I can say is keep working towards recovery, don't give up.
I relapsed over a dozen times before I 'got it'.
I think the difference for me was working the steps-- particularly the part about being restored to SANITY.
Drinking and drugging the way we do is INSANE! Not to be insulting, but it is. Once I started working the steps, honestly and without reservations, I was able to have the obsession to use removed. Now that I don't have that obsession, nobody can make me relapse, whereas before, nobody could make me stay clean! That is something I struggled with-- nobody can do this for you. You have to want to stay clean more than you want to use. Sounds pretty obvious, but this is such a hard thing to figure out about ourselves-- are we willing to go to any lengths to stay clean? This means taking suggestions, and doing what has worked for others, even if it seems stupid at the time. And putting our all into it! I can not tell you how many things have fallen into place for me after doing something I thought was utter and complete ********.
Good luck, and I really enjoy your writing, too! Hopefully you get better and use that skill to help others get better too (although venting is very important, especially in early recovery, and especially after a relapse.) I know how frustrating it is, but stick with it. More days are better when you learn to appreciate life without drugs or alcohol.
I relapsed over a dozen times before I 'got it'.
I think the difference for me was working the steps-- particularly the part about being restored to SANITY.
Drinking and drugging the way we do is INSANE! Not to be insulting, but it is. Once I started working the steps, honestly and without reservations, I was able to have the obsession to use removed. Now that I don't have that obsession, nobody can make me relapse, whereas before, nobody could make me stay clean! That is something I struggled with-- nobody can do this for you. You have to want to stay clean more than you want to use. Sounds pretty obvious, but this is such a hard thing to figure out about ourselves-- are we willing to go to any lengths to stay clean? This means taking suggestions, and doing what has worked for others, even if it seems stupid at the time. And putting our all into it! I can not tell you how many things have fallen into place for me after doing something I thought was utter and complete ********.
Good luck, and I really enjoy your writing, too! Hopefully you get better and use that skill to help others get better too (although venting is very important, especially in early recovery, and especially after a relapse.) I know how frustrating it is, but stick with it. More days are better when you learn to appreciate life without drugs or alcohol.
Whimsi, I do NOT want this to sound condescending, but as I read your thread, I was actually SMILING.
NOT at your situation, or feelings, but because you are a BRILLIANT person. It shows through in your writing. I am a stickler for spelling and grammar, so to see someone who can so clearly express herself with beautiful words pleases me....
Now, pull yourself together, focus on the positives, work the steps, and keep coming here to vent. We get it. Don't be sorry.
You are worth it Whimsi....
NOT at your situation, or feelings, but because you are a BRILLIANT person. It shows through in your writing. I am a stickler for spelling and grammar, so to see someone who can so clearly express herself with beautiful words pleases me....
Now, pull yourself together, focus on the positives, work the steps, and keep coming here to vent. We get it. Don't be sorry.
You are worth it Whimsi....
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