Supercrew

to talk about my journey....eat a little crow and tell my story. As many know I posted alot in the past about how I was beating my alcohol problem on my own. I arrived on the board in the begining of July and stayed completely sober and happy until Oct 21st, about 116 days. Then on a whim I had a beer. The reason was I wanted to test myself and wanted a little buzz, and although I pounded 2 tall boys I really didn't get a buzz and didn't pick up another drink for a week or so, so I convinced myself that I didn't have an issue. The next time it was just a couple of tall boys and a pint of vodka, and I got the happy dizzy feeling that I craved, but I felt a little hypocrital because I was at a function and people were still commenting on how great it was that I don't drink and even had people asking me for help with their own drinking...obviously I was hiding it pretty well. Well long story short, I got back to where I was over the last month, and decided that I had enough. It was ruining my workouts, and my wife was catching on. I was also drinking around certain people publicly again. Over the last 2 weeks it has gotten back to a 5 day a week thing, all of the sudden I'm drinking the eye openers in the AM again. So Sunday I decided it was the last day...again, I didn't want to be drunk through the holidays and I am off until January.

So I had my last drink around 10:30 Sunday, I had tried to wean myself down so everytime I would shake a little I would have a small sip until I was either out of booze or quit shaking. Made it through a rough Sunday night/Monday morning, and just kept on pacing and then trying to sleep had a couple more sips of beer and gin that I had left over....then I finally fell asleep Monday night around 11PM, only to wake up at 3:30AM like the night before...shaking even worse....I walked it off and laid back down from 5:30 only to wake up again at 6:30 feeling nauseas and shaking even worse!!! I paced the house until until I couldn't control the shaking of my hands to the point I couldn't even pour a drink....I had my older son take my younger son out of the house because I didn't want him to see me die...I still thought I was gonna get through it alone though. Wife had already left for work, so I was home alone shaking worse than I ever thought imaginable and then the vomit and what felt to be convulsions......I finally said F it and called 911. They came in about 15 minutes and I was medically detoxed yesterday. I'm still feeling a little shaky, but they pumped me with some benzos and gave me a perscription and now I am back at home embarrassed as hell. I start treatment tomorrow and I will be back on this board regularly. I truly can't beleive I let it come back to this. I obviously have no plans to ever drink again after the episode, but maybe it's gonna take a little more support than what I first thought...maybe it's not willpower alone...maybe I should have kept counting days after day 100? Maybe I need to find a higher power? So I am off my high horse and ready to taking any chastising that I deserve and any support you can muster.

Thanks as always for listening! Day 1!

artsoul

Oh Supercrew - I feel for ya..... and I'm SO glad you're back and that you called 911. They don't call this disease "cunning, baffling and powerful" for nothin'...... I tested the waters a few times, too, and came up with the same scenario. I'm done and it sounds like you are too.

Well back friend!

smacked

Glad you're back, and alive. Kudos on calling 911.. this is serious stuff!

Lushwell

To remove any doubt about the effectiveness of using willpower to arrest an illness, try it the next time you have diarrhea.

Willpower will work for a while, and the outcome will be about the same.

Supercrew

Well willpower has worked and does in some cases, I just kind of forgot about the issue and I didn't stay active in my recovery. I didn't stay vigilant kind of like a diabetic who quits testing their blood. I let the support of this group go by the wayside, and I paid the price...it led to me thinking that my issue disappeared. Now I know it never goes away, it's with me forever I just have to stay active daily on my recovery...I got lazy and it bit me in the ass.

reggiewayne

Thanks for sharing Supercrew. Sorry you had to go through that. Your post illustrates to me, again, that this disease is always waiting on us. It just sits there wanted to be fed. Your bravery to post this story will help so many people including me.

I'm glad you got detoxed and wish you the best. Over one hundred days is very impressive.

reggiewayne

What a great quote. That's awesome. I will put that in my memory bank!

Antiderivative

Welcome back. I am glad that you found recovery again, instead of a grave.

There is no way around it. If you are an alcoholic, then you either surrender to the first drink or die. If you don't die, then you will most likely live a futile life well below your potential which consists of self-inflicted misery and pain. Perhaps others know of other potential outcomes, but that is what it has come down for this alcoholic.

You just need to surrender to that first drink. It is a constant process, not an event.

MsCooterBrown

I am glad that you made it back..and that you are ok. I hope you will keep the memory of how your body is reacting to drinking and not pick up the first one again. It just takes one..Welcome back.

Dee74

I'm really glad you're back SC - and very glad you called 911.

I underestimated this thing so many times I can't count them - so you're in good company....

FWIW, (you may have heard this before) but for me it's not actually about willpower - it's about acceptance - acceptance that alcohol and I are a bad bad mix and we always will be.

D

Supercrew

Thank you for the post, and thank you about the 100days being impressive, but believe it not for me 116 days wasn't hard, but at 117 somehow I thought "what is a couple of beers gonna hurt", get a little giddy feeling, go back to sobriety tomorrow, no biggie. Didn't drink again for a week or so, and convinced myself that a couple of beers and the small bottle of vodka would be fine, and it was, for another week....but as they say it's progressive and I pushed it further. I honestly have the program in place to get back to because I realized it was out of control again and was quitting forever this time. I just didn't expect the withdrawal. I thought I was being smart and even healthy about it, I had the vitamins, the juices the water the fruits and vegetables. But this time the detox didn't go as easy as I had planned....and I took it for as long as I possibly could, I was on the floor shaking uncontrolable with the DT's to the point where I couldn't dial the phone. I never thought it would be hard to dial 9-1-1. Well thank you again for the posts and now I would also recommend that make sure you detox under medical supervision. Damn alcoholism sucks, because you are never cured, it progresses more each time you drink...and most people don't understand what it really entails. I'll go more into these dilemmas later on. Thanks again!

least

Glad you're back!

ZZworldontheweb

Man, I guess the Big Book is right. No active defense at times. Thanks for the reminder to be vigilant.

Boy, I remember those last couple weeks of drinking. Passing out at 11:00 PM only to wake bolt upright, stone cold sober and shaking at 3:00 AM. Walk around the block until 4:00, take another drink to get back to sleep and then wake up at 6:00 for work. A living hell.

Welcome back friend.

Parrotice

Thank you for your post, Supercrew. I've been pretty quiet on this board after lurking for a few months and then really working on quitting drinking. Today is another day one for me so that can tell you how successful I've been, but each time gets easier and encourages my resolve to fight the voice when it tells me "hey, one bottle won't be a big deal... and tomorrow you can go back to being sober again." Very sneaky, that voice.

What really helped me was reading about the shaking you went through. I remembered my own first realization that drinking had that much control over me, the point hitting home after trying to lock the front door and having to keep my hand steady just to get the key in the doorknob... going to the store to buy my bottle of whatever and hoping the clerk couldn't see how bad I was shaking.

Anyway...reading your experience really helped me remember the path I was on, and the path I could be on again without focus and determination. And boy oh boy, that is not a path I want to be on. Thank you for taking the time to write out what you went through and I wish you the best on your journey!

Supercrew

Don't get me wrong, I have had the shakes before, normally after a hard night or a hard couple of days.....but this was an experience like no other I have felt. I obviously never experienced severe DT's before and wouldn't wish that on anyone...and I have had alot of bad periods of the shakes through the years. I am really surprised how quickly it took effect this time. Last time I quit it was after 3 years of straight heavy drinking 3-5 days a week. This occurred after less than 60 days of moderate to heavy drinking and I was quite prepared for the occurance because I was quitting, but I have never been in so much fear for my life....to the point that I am no longer afraid or embarrassed to tell people straight out that I am and alcoholic and can never "just have a drink again". Thank you again for all your replies, and I hope I haven't let anyone down on this board who I used to coorespond with...just had a moment of weakness that turn into a month or 2 of regret, but I am strong enough to overcome this with a new passion for life.

Ghostly

Good to hear from ya Super.

LaFemme

Hey SuperCrew! I think Murray has a coffee cup with your name on it over at Secular....we were wondering g where you were.

I'm so glad you are back and called 911...Christmas just came early.

Xoxo, LaFemme

Supercrew

Thanks LaFemme,

Murray was nice enough to contact me a couple of weeks ago when I was planning my reentry to soberville, and I was a little surprised to hear from him so I lied about how I was doing like any good alcoholic would and said things were going fine. Thanks for thinking about me. I am still a cynical, opinionated SOB, but a little wiser this time around. Lesson learned and I was also able to teach and physically show some very close family members who didn't think I was a "real alcoholic", what a real alcoholic looks like when they withdrawal and get the DT's...not the best way to prove a point (in an ER with Mom and Dad 3 days before Xmas), but I think the point was proved hardcore and quite visually to say the least. Now I have that family support.....hide all the booze Supercrew is coming over and breathalyze that SOB before he leaves the house....also measure the rubbing alcohol, mouthwash and Vanilla extract...and no rum cake this year!!:rotfxko

I guess I finally earned the moniker in a couple of peoples eyes who really didn't understand the physical and mental nature of my illness/addiction.

LaFemme

Since you survived and are back I think you should view it as as a blessing in disguise....now at least youhave family support I guess rumballs are off the holiday menu at the families this year

Ainslie

Welcome back Supercrew - glad you are back