northland

So after another 2 weeks of being sober, I relapsed. This was by far the worst I've ever been. I drank for 4 days straight, from the moment I woke up to when I'd pass out. The amount of alcohol I drank was insane. I've been sober for 30 hours or so now, and I've never withdrawed from alcohol this bad. I've had a constant pain in my chest, and I've felt at times like I'm about to have a heart attack. I'm feeling better now, but those first 20 hours were something else.

I have bruises everywhere, I remember I got sucker punched by someone, and was too drunk to even defend myself. I know that I can't drink normally, yet I get to a point in sobriety where I just don't care. I say c'mon, sober for 2 weeks? Definitely not an alcoholic. Yet boom, a 4 day bender

I can't keep living like this. It's embarrassing how drunk I get. People were probably looking at me like "who the f is this loser"

Hevyn

Northland - it doesn't matter what other's opinions are - you know who you really are. The real you is not the out of control person who went on that binge. You will find yourself and get your life back. I did it after a lifetime of drinking. I nearly killed myself on binges like the one you had - drove after drinking - made a fool of myself at work - the whole nightmare. Yet here I sit, heading towards 3 yrs. sober. I did it because I was tired of the insanity and never being able to predict what would happen if I picked up. I was completely unglued & bouncing off walls in the end.

You sound ready to end this nightmare and move past this bad period in your life. It can all be a misty memory one day, as you grow and learn to live again without the alcohol ruling you. Keep talking to us.

northland

I've been serious about this, because I get 2-3 weeks sober between relapses. That's better than where I used to be, which was drinking daily. I know I'm on the verge of beating this, I'm just dumbfounded right now at how much alcohol controls me

Untoxicated

It really is progress not perfection. I'm on day 67 and that was after an entire year of cutting back (2010). Although I was never a daily drinker, I took my binges seriously and was the go big or go home type. Just before my current sobriety time I had drank "only" about 2 or 3 times in 2 months. It does happen, stick with it!

Keep fighting the good fight and welcome home.

TheNile

What happens when you get to the point of starting to drink again? What goes through your mind?

SSIL75

You do enjoy being sober, right? (I think from previous posts I read). I'm just asking b/c I used to hate being sober before.


I think a lot of us have been there! It was a huge relief to me when I finally accepted that I couldn't drink again, ever. Do you think you're almost there?

northland

my mind simply doesn't work properly. During those weeks leading up to a relapse, I know I shouldn't drink, yet the voice that convinces me to drink slowly comes back, until it is the dominant voice.

I simply can't recall how bad the last time was, or how embarrassing it was. Those thoughts are non existant. All that goes through my head, are the BS thoughts that it's okay to drink this time, 2 weeks of sobriety means you aren't an alcoholic, true alcoholics drink everyday. Yet in reality, I'm the worst of the worst

northland

Ya, I love being sober. In fact, I don't drink because I'm feeling bad, I drink because I'm looking to enhance an already good positive feeling. I don't drink because I'm depressed or sad, I drink cause I'm feeling good and I wanna feel even better.

I feel like I'm almost there every time, until I relapse out of no where. I'm meeting with my addictions counsellor tomorrow, I'll tell her everything, and see what she says.

doggonecarl

I can only only speak from the experience of one relapse. I don't mean all the million of times I said I was going to quit, but didn't. No, I consider my first real attempt at sobriety to be this past August and I relapsed two weeks later. Leading up to the relapse I was questioning what I quit for, and for how long. Was it until I felt better? Until I went to a doctor and was found medically fit? Did I just need to quit long enough to prove I didn't have a problem? I got through all that mind stuff okay. But when I slipped it seemed that I made a clear and distinct decision to drink. No triggers. Just the decision to get drunk. And I did. Didn't go on a multi-day bender. Just that night. Next day was "day one" again and so far so good.

I still get thoughts about drinking, but not severe ones, and my alcohol brain still tries to convince me that I can "handle" drinking again. I just keep reminding myself that the next relapse might be the one I don't return from. And if I relapse, I don't want to go through all the anguish and mental obsession on drink and drinking that comes with the first couple of weeks of being sober. I remind myself that I don't want ONE drink, I want a bunch, and as long as that's my mindset--the mindset of an alcoholic--I won't drink.

reggiewayne

Hi Northland. I would argue that we all are capable of 4 day benders (even now). If I ingest alcohol into my system it's out of my control The ONLY thing I have control over is the first drink. I know what you mean about getting two weeks and then thinking you can have a few. For me, I have internalized what AA tells me. For me, to drink it to die. I have proven to myself for years that I do have the ability to be "sober" for a short time. That short time was always followed up with the obsession to drink like a "normal drinker".

I am not a normal drinker in any way shape or form. I am an alcoholic. The more time I put between myself and my last drink the better off I will be. Don't beat yourself up to bad over your "bender". Just know that you only become that person when you are drunk. The only way to get drunk is to have the first drink. All you have to do is just not drink today.

Sounds easy... For me AA and this site help tremedously. Hang in there man....

SSIL75

Have you read Rational Recovery's 'crash course in AVRT' (or something like that. They won't let me link it b/c of advertising but you can google). I find it VERY powerful and it's gotten me through my worst urges.

northland

checking it out now, thanks

DarkestDay

Wow, I could have just typed that line myself. My wife and I had exactly 2 weeks of sobriety last go round, thought we could handle moderation, and failed terribly. That was 3 months ago, 3 pretty much wasted months.

Vanilla28

hey ssil75, im glad you mentioned that book. ive been to the bookstore twice and flipped though it, but never end up getting it. seeing someone elses experiance with it, i think i may purchase it next time.

Richard56

" I drink cause I'm feeling good and I wanna feel even better. ."
We're in the same club Northland. Thats exactly the line of thought that gets me going again too.
Thing is though...
If I have one drink, just one drink.
Boom...I'ts bender time. It's out of control...and I sure don't feel better.
I'm glad you're back here today.

least

I drank for nearly two years after deciding to quit. My last day one was a year ago. I hope this can be your last day one.

Dee74

Welcome back Northland.
I think most of us would recognize that.
I had a lot of trouble letting go of alcohol because, even with the all bad stuff, it was my life.

I hope you can find something that works for you this time.
Please see a Dr if you continue to feel poorly.

D