Enough is enough
 

Hello there,

I've been lurking for a bit and reading up on some of the inspirational stories and amazing support that flows so freely from this forum. i think you all are so brave.

I've been abusing alcohol most of my adult life. I'm 34, and after yet another failed relationship i think i've finally had enough. Boyfriends (and one husband) walking out, the disappointed looks on peoples faces, the fact i hide away with my "dirty little secret", the missed days of work, the wasted weekends on the couch too hungover to do anything else. I've kidded myself for so long that what i do is normal - and its not. Everyone else around me seems so happy and I walk around feeling so rubbish.

My problem with my binge drinking is that i can get really abusive to people closest to me and even strangers in the street. How i've managed to get this far without being hurt or worse is beyond me. I know this stems from underlying issues, but for the life of me, i dont know what those issues are. Happy childhood, great job, yadda yadda.

I've just recently failed in another relationship largely due to this abusive behaviour and I'm already divorced once because of it. I feel like its groundhog day all over again. i really really want to have a happy healthy life with happy healthy relationships with loved ones, friends and family. And right now, i'm just not hitting that mark. After blaming everything, i have come to the conclusion that the blame lies in one place, and one place only, and thats with me.

Ultimately i want to say that stopping drinking was the best thing that ever happened to me. Whilst i acknowledge that its too late to save my relationship, its hopefully not too late to save me.

What a time to hit rock bottom. Sober Christmas here I come. *gulp*.

You guys are great and i admire everything your doing. i havent engaged with an AA support group as i want to try and solo method first.

Keep up the good work everyone and hoping you have a very happy and healthy Christmas.

DueSouth+1

Sure, I get that... I had a really crazy upbringing, but no trauma to speak of. However, I found this hole in my sole that I kept trying to fill with alcohol... Trying to figure out how it got there has not been terribly helpful... though I have had much success by getting at exactly who and what I am...

Welcome to SR!!

Welcome! we're about the same age. I got sober 4 months ago and can't express how much my life has improved. Best of luck to you!

Hi DS and welcome to SR!

Getting sober at Christmas is a challenge but its the best gift you can give yourself:-)

I am doing sobriety without a formal program but that doesn't mean there isn't a lot of work involved. I have a coach/therapist who has been an amazing help and I'm active in SR...without these two things I don't know how well I would be doing. So what's your plan?

:)

Thank you both. I admire you for being able to say your life has improved a lot. I hope one day I can say it too.

Instead of being envious of other people's happiness and the outward focus that this entails, it's dawning on me that self happiness isn't something that comes automatically. You have to work at it.

Ironic isn't it? - that something you can "drown" yourself in which makes you feel bullet proof and brave can ultimately be just so devastating.

Thanks LaFemme. Erm, I'm not really sure at the moment what the plan is. 1 day at a time i guess? I haven't yet looked into support groups in my area but I guess that would be the next step. Kinda scary but probably very necessary.

I'm holding out hope that I can do it myself first. I've never ever tried to stop drinking before. As soon as the shame would fade from some God-awful alcohol-soaked event then I would be back at the pub or trotting down to the local off-licence without a care in the world. Justification is always along the lines of "stressful job = i deserve a bottle of wine" or "oh another boyfriend bites the dust = i'm depressed I deserve a bottle of wine". The myriad of excuses one can make up is quite amazing.

Hey DS....ever thought about therapy? I only mention it because its been a huge benefit to me. I also really get a lot out of self-help books. Just because you are going solo doesn't mean you don't need to do the work. At least that is what I've found and what I've seen here:-)

I also found Allan Carr's. Book 'the easy way to quit drinking' helpful.

:)

Thanks for the recommendation, I'm a lover of books but not gone down that self-help road yet. There is a fabulous book store across from work.

Is there a list of recommended reading here anywhere?

DS,

Two books I'd recommend are Under the Influence by James Milam and Drinking, A Love Story by Caroline Knapp. The first gives a ton of information about the disease of alcoholism, and the second is an autobiographical story of one womans journey to sobriety (and a great read).

Re "I know this stems from underlying issues..." - that's pretty common. I used to think that I was the only person on the planet that felt that way - my life seemed to be a series of pavlovian reflexes to the events that occurred to/around me. It was like being a marionette, but never knowing when the strings would get pulled. My advice would be to focus on stop drinking for the near term, and deal with the underlying stuff once you are secure in your soriety.

I wish you well,
Edd

Due, what you can do is pay close attention to the thoughts/emotions you are having as you go through the days of no drinking (and hopefully that keeps going) - and take in some comments that are made by various people here. There is a lot of valuable information you can get from people who use AA (for example) and it doesn't have to be in direct response to a question you present; it can be an interaction with someone else on the site, and it could have specific issues that relate to you.

If your efforts don't work using a solo method, then that's when you would have to keep searching for what is going to work, and maybe something more formal (a group form of support or counselling) will help. It's helpful not to assume too much about people and their approaches, because we can miss out on the good in what someone has to say along the way.

Good for you and keep going.

Relatively speaking then actually stopping drinking is the easy part but it's the staying stopped where the real 'work' starts. It sure isn't easy and much of it can be painful and uncomfortable but it's necessary if you want your life to change around and improve. It takes time and doesn't happen overnight, it takes as long as it takes.

For me then I use AA, SR and much wisdom from elsewhere and I also addressed lots of stuff using mental health resources on NHS once I was ready. My advice would be to get as much help as you can, especially living in England. I got sober at 23 and was a willing participant in the national sport of binge-drinking back in the day.

I accepted the truth that I'm an alcoholic and that to drink is ultimately to die for me and lose everything in the process. I was sick of being unhappy, depressed, cynical and feeling hopeless; I was beaten by alcohol and was willing to surrender and dedicate my life to my recovery from my alcoholism. Until I accepted my alcoholism then I wouldn't have stood a chance as that first drink would have been taken eventually or I would have just felt like a pressure cooker. Alcoholism is primarily a 'thinking' problem and not a 'drinking problem' so my thinking had to profoundly change or else I would just pick up again.

I was ashmed to be a drunk but I'm not ashmed to be an alcoholic and instead I'm actually very grateful and I can safely say that accepting my alcoholism and thus stopping drinking and living in the solution "was the best thing that ever happened to me."

All The best.

Welcome to SR DueSouth :)
D

I am also in my mid 30s and I also become abusive to my closest friends and family and have several exes because of it. My current boyfriend drinks but can have 1 or 2 and stop. I can't. He is not happy with me at the moment. I was rude to him again yesterday. We drink to feel good but some sort of ugly angry creature takes over after around the 4th drink for me...

Welcome. I have been where you are. I actually posted once "Is anyone less happy now that they are sober"... Guess what? Nobody said yes. I am 18 days sober and am so much happier its not even funny. What I've learned is all of the things you mention:

"I feel like its groundhog day all over again. i really really want to have a happy healthy life with happy healthy relationships with loved ones, friends and family. And right now, i'm just not hitting that mark."

Those things happen much easier when our behavior is not being influenced on a powerful chemical... You can do it. For me, I could not do it on my own. I do go to AA. It's not the only way, but I can honestly say without it, working the steps, and working with others, I could not have stayed sober this long.

Best of luck!!!

Welcome to the family!:hug: You'll find a lot of support here from people who understand your situation.:)