janitorking

relapsed hard but am back on the wagon. i could feel it coming on about 2 weeks before i actually took the first drink. i'm so addicted to alcohol. i can barely go 5 seconds without craving it or thinking of it. i wish i could remember what life was before everyday was a struggle.

Dee74

Welcome back JK.
I went back to drinking about 9 million times too....and I felt myself slipping for weeks a lot of times too.

Doing the same things over and over gets us nowhere. What are you gonna do differently this time?

D

janitorking

i don't know what to do differently. i was doing so well and i honestly don't know why everything came crashing down. i know my depression started getting really bad but i stayed on top of it with my doctor. i have no excuses this time other than i really just felt i needed it. either drink or go nuts thinking about it. doing so well for so long. it's heart breaking being back to day one. feeling miserable and wanting to drink more but am determined not to.

Dee74

What have you been using as a support network JK?
D

David 1

Nine million times here too - We have all been there but the key is to stay focused, positive and take it one day at a time.

Keep working at sobriety and identify your triggers.

Dave

janitorking

aa, lot's of therapy, and recently contacted another therapist who just deals only with addiction issues. i'll probably go through iop again although i doubt it'll do any good. i'm really not trying to be pessimistic but history has repeated itself so many times and the need for alcohol has never totally ceased even when i've had really long stretches of sobriety. i don't feel like a failure. i'm not feeling sorry for myself but i am reaching a point that can only be described as giving up.

janitorking

thank you for your posts Dee74. i've been away for a long while but i'd often remember things you'd post during hard times. nothing quite like the power of not being alone.

Dee74

I think, no matter what method we use, we have to find the desire in ourselves to quit - for good.

I don't know what to say to help you find that desire in you, but it's great you're still looking.

Don't lose hope - I battled this for many many years. I got it eventually. The ability to keep coming back is a great asset.

For whatever reason, sometimes we're more interested in abusing ourselves. Maybe it's easier to deal with the chaos than it is to deal with the change that sobriety brings, I dunno.

I hope maybe your new counsellor will be able to help you get to the bottom of whats going on here, JK.

Hope you stick around here too

D

Anna

Welcome back, JK!

I truly hope you never give up. There is always hope and I'm so glad that you are here and seeking support.

GreenAces

Hey, I've been in and out quite often as well... What really helps me is just being very active in whatever recovery program it is that I am doing(for me its AA). Sometimes I can get so down that I want to just stop putting in the work for it, and I get complacent and unmotivated. That's when I hop in my journal and start writing on how I feel, how I want to feel, or whatever and just reflect on.. I than get in touch with my Higher Power and pick myself up and begin working on the program that I have comitted myself to. After all that I than decide to work with others and see what I can do to help them.... That last part is the main thing that keeps me going and what keeps me sober...

janitorking

that's really cool GreenAces. it's good to hear that there are some things that actually work for people. i tried service work and it only stressed me out (made me want to drink) more. i had a sponsor and 4 sponsees at one point. i had to quit. i sort of felt like i was being used by some of the sponsees (rides to work and to go shopping etc.). that was a bad first experience with service work. maybe one day i'll be able to 'give back' but right now i can hardly take care of myself. staying sober for one day is a serious struggle. i've got pretty severe obsessive compulsive disorder which i'm being treated for. and guess what my # 1 favorite (sarcasm) thing to obsess about is? you guessed it. alcohol. it's the hardest thing i've ever had to deal with.

least

I failed too many times myself so I know how desperate you must feel. But, like Dee, I kept coming back and trying again... and it finally 'took'. I have a year sober now and have never felt better.

Read this thread. It's very moving and so true, sad but true. I hope this can be your last day One.

http://www.soberrecovery.com:80/foru...ferrerid=53285

tallcactus

That, I think is the most important tool of all.
You can do this, just say to yourself and outloud, "That just for today, I will not drink." Then repeat this the next day. Rooting for you.

fuel.injected

Awesome words. Cheers

CarolD

Welcome back....good to know you are on a fresh start

1_day@_a_time

i really just felt i needed it. either drink or go nuts thinking about it.

Itz really not about the drinking....itz about our THINKING!!!

Formal recovery teaches me a new way of life, how to change and think ( & act) differently!