stellaloella

This is sort of an open-ended thought of mine, but I'm finding that I'm dealing with a tremendous amount of anger. I am curious how people process through that because I really didn't see this one coming. Sure, I know I'd buried many feelings during my relationship and before that. I guess you could say I never knew how to be true to myself but always admired those who were. I always knew I've been supplying myself a steady stream of lies about a variety of things. That never seemed to bother me too much until now. Now, I feel a steady rain of self-hate (for lack of a better word) and I'm just astonished that things can culminate they way they have. Everything I told myself that mattered had some sort of pretense to it and now I am attempting to reinvent myself with no road map, no idea. I'm 34 and I feel like a helpless little baby.

least

I found a lot of help in my addiction counselor. I see her weekly and look forward to my sessions as a safe place I can blow off steam and/or get her insight and feedback. Is counseling an option where you are? I'd suggest looking into that possibility.

You've been thru a lot of emotional upheaval lately and it's only natural that your feelings are all over the place.

flutter

Counseling... I highly recommend it. If anything else, he or she will have absolutely no vested interest in your life, and can absorb a lot of the spilling you probably need to do, emotionally.

justjo

Hi Stella
I get where you are coming from. I was only thinking this morning the same thing - why do I feel angry, when theres nothing to feel angry about? It doesnt help me and I hate feeling that way and today Im going to think about it some more.
I think I had a realization today - that when Im around some family I feel angry, but when Im around other people I feel happy. I seem to be seeing that with family I just cant seem to say no, i dont want to upset anyone. I hadnt really seen this before because I was the one who always was the leader, you know, ask Jo, see what Jo thinks type of thing. Maybe just maybe it was always because they knew I would please them. I drives me mad sometimes.
Maybe, we need to learn somehow, how to please ourselves. Maybe we could go shopping and instead of buying someone else a christmas present, we'll buy ourselves one instead....:ghug3

Anna

Oh yes, Stella that happened to me too. I had no clue I had been in denial about a lot of things in my life and it hit me like a ton of bricks. It seemed against everything I had believed about myself. And, I was older than you, in my mid-forties. I think that counselling could help you. I find that journalling helped me a lot, and meditation did too.

Mark75

stella...

There is a solution. Counseling may be a way that works for you.

But I just have to smile to myself... What you said... there is a recovery program that provides you a concise roadmap, 12 steps ()... they are ALL ABOUT reinventing yourself... and will give you an effective way to deal with this anger and these resentments... as an adult.

Just thinking out loud. If you have already expressed no interest in AA, please accept my apologies, but, jeez, I hear ya and there is a way...

Peace

Mark

yeahgr8

Same as Mark...

However I did try counselling a few times,didn't work for me because i wasn't truthful or decided to leave large chunks out of sessions...counselors can only work on what you tell them, they are not mind readers...

AA was different because i was in a position when i first started the steps that i was trying to BS another me and, like me, he had heard it all before and could tell when i was being evasive or just plain leaving things out...worked a treat:-)

coffeenut

I do agree with counseling, although I haven't walked that road.

Definitely stick close to SR. Read Everything!

I am finding the longer I'm sober, the better able I am to put things where they need to be in my life.

Being drunk just took up so much energy. Amazing.

Another

Stella thanks very much for being so honest and sharing. A book that has helped me tremendously is "Anger" by Thich nhat hanh. Were all together in this reinvention business.

LaFemme

I am going to read that...thanks!

I also bought myself a Christmas present today.

Talked to a friend today and she told me "Tina ...you have to say 'no!' More!!!"...my therapist says the same thing...lol.

We are so blessed in recovery because we get the opportunity to evaluate our lives and change them for the better. A good therapist can be a huge help in this:-)

Soph

I keep finding more anger in me too, like peeling an onion; there are layers stored. (Which really pisses me off! No, just kidding. Hee.)

But seriously, my therapist recommended, and I have bought, "Don't Bite the Hook" the CD book by Pema Chodron and I am listening to it on my walkman at night in bed. I love it. You could probably also get it itunes or book version. I just wanted something to listen to at night and her voice is so sweet and the book is great thus far.

Anyway, good to know I'm not the only one surprised by and sick of, my anger. I would like it to diminish, please and I am so ready. Good luck!

Hugs,
Soph