Let down my close friend and employer
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 782
Let down my close friend and employer
Well I messed up big time last week and have left my close friend and employer angry, sad and let down. I feel dreadful about this and so ashamed.
I promised to deliver a significant part of an advanced project for an important client demonstration last week. It was something I didn't know how to do (neither did they) but I reasurred them it would all be OK. I buried myself in my technical books and procrastinated and delayed.
Working on it at home alone I became more and more anxious. Finally I let my guard down and drank - no time for recovery today, this was urgent.
Come the morning of the deadline I unplugged the telephone, hid away and told myself I'd find a way to make it work. I drank to settle my fears. I worked untill midnight yet delivered nothing. The next day was the same.
When I spoke to my employer I have never heard such disappointment and sadness from this kind man. When he needed me, I was nowhere to be seen. And so I drank more, alone and in misery.
So that's that. Disappointment, regret and sadness all round. My employer's trust in me is gone. I am proven a failure (again). Frankly I'm close to tears.
When will I ever learn?
Forwards - Alcoholic.
I promised to deliver a significant part of an advanced project for an important client demonstration last week. It was something I didn't know how to do (neither did they) but I reasurred them it would all be OK. I buried myself in my technical books and procrastinated and delayed.
Working on it at home alone I became more and more anxious. Finally I let my guard down and drank - no time for recovery today, this was urgent.
Come the morning of the deadline I unplugged the telephone, hid away and told myself I'd find a way to make it work. I drank to settle my fears. I worked untill midnight yet delivered nothing. The next day was the same.
When I spoke to my employer I have never heard such disappointment and sadness from this kind man. When he needed me, I was nowhere to be seen. And so I drank more, alone and in misery.
So that's that. Disappointment, regret and sadness all round. My employer's trust in me is gone. I am proven a failure (again). Frankly I'm close to tears.
When will I ever learn?
Forwards - Alcoholic.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Washington State
Posts: 150
I sympathize with you, I really do. Letting people down is so hard. I have recently been in a situation where I felt that I let my entire family down. However hard it must feel right now, people can forgive if you show the right effort. It may be hard to accept, but we're all human and your recent mistake doesn't necessarily mean your character is unsalvageable.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,506
Hi,
I'm sorry for the mess you are in.
I did pretty much the same thing - sabotaged myself - over and over again. I felt more comfortable with failure and disappointing people. I knew what that felt like. Success on the other hand, looked pretty scary to me. What would happen if I could succeed at something I was doing? I had no idea, and so I kept sabotaging myself and messing up.
Finally, I had to take a leap of faith and know that I deserved to succeed and I deserved a good life. You do, too!
I'm sorry for the mess you are in.
I did pretty much the same thing - sabotaged myself - over and over again. I felt more comfortable with failure and disappointing people. I knew what that felt like. Success on the other hand, looked pretty scary to me. What would happen if I could succeed at something I was doing? I had no idea, and so I kept sabotaging myself and messing up.
Finally, I had to take a leap of faith and know that I deserved to succeed and I deserved a good life. You do, too!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 782
Thanks guys. I don't deserve your support here.
My employer knows something of my problems. He gave me this opportunity regardless out of his own trust and generosity. That's why it seems so unforgivable to mess it up. I just needed a decent job reference for once to find some stable work and so stupidly agreed to it. My family have already heard of the incident and are bewildered and ashamed of me.
Still, tomorrow is another day.
My employer knows something of my problems. He gave me this opportunity regardless out of his own trust and generosity. That's why it seems so unforgivable to mess it up. I just needed a decent job reference for once to find some stable work and so stupidly agreed to it. My family have already heard of the incident and are bewildered and ashamed of me.
Still, tomorrow is another day.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 438
I just wanted to thank you for sharing your story...everyone has already given you some good feedback but I wanted to add that by posting about your situation here, you will surely help someone else who might find themselves in the same predicament.
Stephanie
Stephanie
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
Forwards, I found that so long as I continued to treat my alcoholism as I saw fit....in the manner that I felt was what I needed....stuff like that continued to happen. It didn't "just get better over time." Bear in mind, I was using the same rusty tool to fix my problems that I'd used to create them in the first place - you might be doing the same.
After enough "incidents" like the one you described, it became real clear I wasn't a good manager of my life.....not anymore, at least. I needed a complete overhaul. I needed a new way of seeing life and dealing with life. If you can do that on your own, with your best judgement, my hat's off to you. I couldn't.
Thankfully, I was led to AA and found that's just what they promised.
Best thing that ever happened to/for me.
After enough "incidents" like the one you described, it became real clear I wasn't a good manager of my life.....not anymore, at least. I needed a complete overhaul. I needed a new way of seeing life and dealing with life. If you can do that on your own, with your best judgement, my hat's off to you. I couldn't.
Thankfully, I was led to AA and found that's just what they promised.
Best thing that ever happened to/for me.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,649
Of course you can learn! But, you have to show up for class.
Although quite a few people can and do recover without a program, I am a program enthusiast, so I push using a program.
If you haven't considered a program for recovery, I hope you do now. Choose any program you like....faith based like AA or non-faith based.
Whatever you choose will give you tools for meeting these kinds of challenges in life.
What you describe is exactly what most alcoholics do: take on too much, over do it, make it complicated, blow it out of proportion, don't ask for help when you need it, instead of dousing the fire, you blow on the embers to make the fire bigger, don't admit your shortcomings, lie, hide, isolate.
And I have been there and done exactly the kind of thing you described over and over again in my life.
You don't have to continue to repeat this behavior...
Although quite a few people can and do recover without a program, I am a program enthusiast, so I push using a program.
If you haven't considered a program for recovery, I hope you do now. Choose any program you like....faith based like AA or non-faith based.
Whatever you choose will give you tools for meeting these kinds of challenges in life.
What you describe is exactly what most alcoholics do: take on too much, over do it, make it complicated, blow it out of proportion, don't ask for help when you need it, instead of dousing the fire, you blow on the embers to make the fire bigger, don't admit your shortcomings, lie, hide, isolate.
And I have been there and done exactly the kind of thing you described over and over again in my life.
You don't have to continue to repeat this behavior...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 782
Thank you all sincerely for your wise responses.
Walking into town this afternoon I realised that this is exactly how I lost my last job (and another good friend) two years ago in the run up to Christmas. Absurdly, when I'm not drinking the 'drunk before the deadline' nightmare is one I have often.
My short term solution will be the same - I will work every day at my own cost until the work is done, though I still don't know how. I'll offer suggestions as to how they can proceed and then move on elsewhere with as little fuss as possible.
The longer term solution will be different - build up enough sober days through vigilance, AVRT and SR, giving me enough time for some serious step work with AA to take over. Easier said than done though.
Still, I have to live in the day now and do the best I can. Very grateful for SR today - thanks guys.
Now I really should go and do some work.
Walking into town this afternoon I realised that this is exactly how I lost my last job (and another good friend) two years ago in the run up to Christmas. Absurdly, when I'm not drinking the 'drunk before the deadline' nightmare is one I have often.
My short term solution will be the same - I will work every day at my own cost until the work is done, though I still don't know how. I'll offer suggestions as to how they can proceed and then move on elsewhere with as little fuss as possible.
The longer term solution will be different - build up enough sober days through vigilance, AVRT and SR, giving me enough time for some serious step work with AA to take over. Easier said than done though.
Still, I have to live in the day now and do the best I can. Very grateful for SR today - thanks guys.
Now I really should go and do some work.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: California, USA
Posts: 51
Good luck Forward. I am in day 9 and still working on forgiving myself. Hopefully doing the work will give you some peace. When I get down about what I did to others that is when I move from one day at a time to one minute/hour at a time. Tough stuff to deal with.
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