Tendencies

So it's another Saturday night and I ain't got nobody.... There's a song in there somewhere. LOL

Day 20 for those of you like me keeping score.

I'm really enjoying sobriety 95% of the time. The craving thoughts are hard to dismiss as well. I think it might actually be harder now than it was at day 5 and 6. Such is the path so I follow it.

I'm alone a lot. Sure I was alone before. But I was drunk. So it didn't really matter to much, it was me and my best buds scotch and wine. I'm not really doing too much different in my "Off Time" that I was not doing when I was drinking. I still park in front of the TV and the Xbox a lot. But I do work all day now and off and on during the evenings. There is a difference though.

I'm having to feel all those feelings that I guess I stuffed in those many bottles. (cleaning the empties out of my garage was horrible) And my reaction to having feelings again is that I want to drink of course. I'm not complaining about it. I think its something that has to be done. I've got to feel what I''ve got to feel. Good or bad.

So what do I do? Start exercising in my spare time? That sounds good but I'm a pretty heavy smoker. So before I dig on that -I gota quit. Which is another craving to add to the mix. I want to do it but I'm a little worried about putting too big a load on myself to quickly.

Walk the dog. I can do. Work on refinishing that oak table in the garage. Check that. I do have things. I'm going to just have to get off my but and be proactive.

As my sobriety has paid dividends in terms of work. More clients bigger network more opportunities it also brings more pressure. I've been thriving thus far with work. Saying that I could not really be any happier with it at this point.

It feels like I've decided to rejoin the human race but that also makes me hungrier for more progress on all fronts. I want to lose the booze weight, I want to date again, I want, I want, I want. I think it's a perfectly natural reaction to getting clean, that is wanting things like that, but how to I manage those feelings?

I can remember not really caring that my clothes were dirty or that I had not showered in a few days. I really did not give a flip - off I went to the liquor store. It took me quite awhile before I got that bad. Seriously not caring how I looked with the barest pretence at civility. I have boarders here at my place but they are students ... so there's no one here for me to pretend for. I kind of wonder what it would be like to be married and an alcoholic. How could someone be like "me" and still live with someone. I read some of the posts but most of the time they only hint at the lying and the hiding. I never had to do that in my home too much unless people visited.

This post is all over the place. Sorry.

I've been reading a book by a 28 year old woman who recovered but she cites some really nasty stats on the low success rate for recovery. Like super low. Below 10%. But my dad has been sober for over 30 years. He quit at the same age I am now. I called him today. He's wintering in Florida. It's funny too. He owns a bar here in Canada. He's always run a bar or hotel etc... Can you imagine trying to quit and owning your own bar. He did it though.

I think that's the only real thing I'm proud of him for doing. He was a crap dad.

He told me something once about getting sober in his life. After he sobered up he realized (after years being sober) he was happy to be sober but he was still an a@shole. He was just a sober A@shole. And he was right.

Kinda sucks to leave it on a negative note like that but I'm going to make some tea.

I love this board. I hope I'm not treating to much like my own favourite dairy. A diary where the diary writes back. LOL

Thanks all.

joethemechanic

About 1% make it a year, about half of those who make it a year make it to their 2nd year

Although some succeed after a couple of tries

And take into account that not everyone entering a 12 step recovery program is there because they really want to stay sober.

There are some who just want to recharge their batteries before they go on another run

Some are court ordered

And some are there just to get the heat off (wives, GF, jobs, husbands, mom,dad,,,,,,,,,,,,)

marcia36

Congrats on day 20!
I feel the same way re: the feelings...so many feelings are coming from inside me that I feel like there is a storm in there...I guess it is all the emotions and feelings I have put off by trying to drink them all away. (I am day 14 today)
I guess all I can say is that I feel your pain...and am right there with ya. Positive thoughts your way~~~~
And as much as it helps you to write these thoughts down, it also helps the people that read them just as much! :-)

Toronto68

Tend, something to think about is the part when you say you have to quit smoking before getting onto an exercise routine. My reaction to that is not to wait. I am not going to say to use a gym or anything that might have danger associated with it, but I would say to do some form of it gradually, unless your doctor says not to.

I only managed to quit smoking for 5 days this year (only tried once). But I walk and have started looking better (not just looking, also feeling). The winter has slowed that down some, but I get out there at least once every day. What used to be over an hour is only about 30 minutes lately, but maybe I will continue to build my resistance to the cold. I wear tons of layers.

When it comes to the question of whether it's too much...that's hard to say. Some people would say you should do it all and others would say to focus on the main problem (ie, alcohol). I see both sides. I guess you can try it. In my case, I make the sobriety the priority, even though I think I am killing myself with the smoking. For me it's a whole different ball game. During my 5 days, I thought about smoking way more than I did drinking at any time, to my knowledge.

The reflections on the past and the current thoughts swirling around all sound rather normal to me.

Dee74

Hi Tendencies

When I quit I had to work on not doing the same things I did when drunk - I broke the TV and video game habit and now I rarely have time for either - I reconnected with other (sober) people, and other things to do, that took me out of those solitary passive kind of pursuits.

It worked for me anyway

As for success...I don't hold much for statistics...for 15 years I held a 100% failure rate at being sober, now I have a 100% success rate since 2007.

Regardless of the method, I've never seen anyone here who really wanted to change their life, and who was prepared to work at it, not get what they wanted.

D

Toronto68

Joe: as a mechanic or when you were one, did you fix things or just talk doomsday at them every chance you got?

RobbyRobot

Great to hear you're positive about moving forward. Keep at it it will pay off in more ways than you can possibly know today. As for the statistics, just ignore all that hype. Its all about quality of life and not about drinking or not. Forget about it. You'll see as you go that keeping sober is so much more than just not drinking. Alot of those guys that go back to drinking never really stopped drinking in the first place, they just took a break in between drinks - so don't despair - forget the stats -- > its all about quality of life without alcohol and you're doing it right today and that is awesome!

Best Wishes!

Rob

Tendencies

A break between drinks. Is that what I'm doing? I could be that guy. That sucks.

I've quit smoking before (8 years) and I think in many ways it's almost harder than quitting drinking. But again I've never been this addicted to booze. I actually had to quit drinking to quit smoking and it really did not bother me. The battle I fought then was the ciggys. When I did start to drink again it was not the binging everyday that I do now. It was "normal?" I mean to say I was like most other 28-29 year olds I guess. But I'm not like that now.

I just have to ask myself it's not normal for me to want to drink a whole bottle of scotch by myself in my house with the curtains shut. I would fear knocks on the door and the phone.


I know this guy. Very hard drinker and partier. Been doing it for years. He plays in bands, very social, women love him all that jazz. He's much older now but I can remember how he lived his life. He was a marathon runner. Every year for 6 months he would just stop drinking and run. Then travel to different marathons all over the world and run. Then he would start drinking again.

Crazy.

I know I need to be sober. There is no just a little bit of booze. There's is just drink and drink and drink. I"m looking at the time right now on the computer and it's 20 minutes to the liquor store closes. I'm glad. But I know exactly when they open and close everyday of the week. I also know where I can go if I miss those hours. The wine store is open an hour later.

Who knows that stuff? I do because I have a drinking problem.
I'm not going to drink because I love all the other stuff in life too much. But I do find these nights hard. Tonight I'm finding very hard.

Toronto68

Then keep talking until it's too late to go. Eventually you can find a way not to be preoccupied with those times. Sometimes I see an approaching 5PM on Sunday and wonder what I forgot to do....hmmm; that was the old concern about making sure I hit the beer store.

You are not necessarily that person who is merely between drinks. That person is someone who has not changed enough. (Something I contemplate in myself, by the way; but that isn't the end of the story.) You are working out who you are or need to be, as you're in the first month.

The person between drinks is someone who doesn't have the right psychological, spiritual, mental and physical changes. Sometimes the necessary change means something mundane (what you do around the house) and other times it means addressing your emotions, and still others connecting with the universe differently. (Whatever that means - it's different for everyone.) They're all grains of sand working toward a giant anthill. Sorry if that's an unpleasant image, but I think the industriousness of ants is admirable, and the different puny efforts we make all add up, to me.

joethemechanic

Have you ever read anything written by or about Dr. George Vaillant?

Dee74

If folks want to have a personal debate take it to PM.
Let stick to the OP and the topic at hand, thanks.

I don't think you need necessarily be that between drinks guy either Tendencies...the more we put into this the recovery thing the more we get out IMO...if you don't want to be that guy, then don't be

D

Anna

Tendencies, congratulations on 20 days sober!

I think, in recovery, we need to learn to put the ego aside. All the 'I wants' are the ego trying to feed itself. Try to be patient with yourself and to look inward for the answers. I hope you get through this evening and continue your recovery.

Tendencies

Thanks all. all wise words.

YouAreNumberOne

Hi Tendencies

You might want to look Coop1 up - he's done the double - smokes (about 10 days) and the booze (around 30days) - he's on the 30 days and less and Class of November 2010 threads.

Well done on your 20days!

I'm kinda thinking that the odds are very much higher for those that use SR. I can say that without doubt, I wouldn't be 20+ days myself if I wasn't reading, learning, analysing and trying to help on this site!

And Tendencies, please don't stop "rambling" - it's not rambling, believe me, it helps not only you but us as well.

Keep strong everyone.
Rosco.
Life=Fun; Alcohol=Devastation.

marcia36

...The nights are hard, but the mornings are what make it all worthwhile.....waking up without a hangover everyday is such a gift!!!! XO