Toss

My physical urge to drink has long past, but my mental urge is still there, and I'm sure always will.

I really have never liked the holidays, brings back bad memories. Funny that most of my childhood memories are good, but the one's I dwell on are the bad ones. For some reason when I start feeling good, I get snatched back with some form of paranoia.

After my son's practice last night, I was driving my kids home and my daughter could tell something was wrong. I know I'm getting down when my kids can tell, I usually can fake it even when I'm having a bad day.

My wife has been very supportive, but when I'm in a rut, I tend to stay there for a while. I usually don't mind being social, but in the past I knew I could eventually dull the anxiety it caused. I have not found that replacement yet. The upcoming month of visits and having family visit, it maxes out my stress.

Just rambling, very determined to continue, but just down and blah.

Toss

Colinwith1L

hang in there this too shall pass,get to a meeting

doggonecarl

There are a lot of things going on for you, Toss...recovery is tough enough, then there are the holidays, it's colder, the days are shorter. That all affects people differently. I think feeling Blah during this time of year is more normal than not. Just don't let it knock you off the tracks.

As for the mental urge to drink. I just went over 90 days. The difference between where I was at 50 days and where I am at 90+ days is like night and day. I'm hardly bothered by even the mental obession to drink. I may "think" about drinking, but not as a prelude to drinking, if you know what I mean. I'm not worried that my thinking about drinking is going to lead to a spree. It's just a thought that passes through the ole noggin and out the back door. I don't fear it as a trigger anymore.

Part of that might be that I finally realize that a life without booze is possible. Drinking isn't controlling my life and "not" drinking isn't dominating my every thought. Believe me, it's quite amazing. This is what they are talking about when the talk about Sober Living.

Hang in there and I hope you make it okay through the holidays.

Toss

First, congrats on passing 90 days! I do know exactly what you mean. I do not feel my urge to drink will lead to it, it 's just frustrating.

What you said is so true, I don't think I will drink, it's just I now have the concept of having to deal and plan my life without drinking. As time passes, I'm sure I will savor that point. I am not one for patience, so like alot of things, I will need to work on that as well.

Toss

look4billw

Here's a thought Toss , I read on your "about me" page that you're interested in history . Perhaps you could cultivate your children's interest in a time in history that you could share together as a pastime. It would give you something to discuss in the car while you're traveling, at home, or on the computer together. And there is some, I don't know how much AA history that you have to look for, but it's out there.

Dime

The mental urge can be a very powerful but fortunately it does pass. We tend to remember the positive aspects of drinking and forget about all the horrific negative consequences we had. This is why having a program of recovery can be so beneficial. Early on I got involved with working the steps and in doing so I had continuous reminders of the negative consequences of drinking. We have to retrain our thinking and it does take some time. Talking to other sober friends can be very helpful.

Hang in there, it does get better!!

LaFemme

Hi Toss! Congrats on 49 days!

I think its pretty normal to feel blah this time a year...that said...it doesn't mean you should just accept it. Have you ever talked to a therapist about this? Could seasonal sadness be making it worse? It sounds like you have a lot to be thankful for....there are ways to tap into that.

LaFemme

SSIL75

Congrats on your 49 days! It's been very helpful to me to practice new reactions to stress/anxiety. Slowly I'm finding that those are my new cravings. It takes a while but it's working for me. I had a tough day yesterday and couldn't wait for my hot chocolate. That used to be wine. Last night I didn't even think of wine. Slowly but surely! You'll get there.

least

It's normal in early sobriety for your thoughts and feelings to be up and down. It's quite a roller coaster ride for a while. But with each day that passes you should be feeling better. I agree that if your sadness doesn't pass after a while talking with a counselor might be a great help. It sure is for me.

Dee74

lots of good ideas here Toss.

I'm not a Dr but a lot of folks find they hit low spots from time to time - there's some good tips in this PAWs link whether it's PAWs or not

http://digital-dharma.net/post-acute...r-immediately/

That said, I think a lot of people feel down at this time of year - I'm not sure it's always alcoholism-related, but we have to make sure we deal without alcohol.

Do you have a recovery group like AA with folks to lean on and talk to, or are you doing this 'lone wolf' style, with SR?

Have you thought of counselling to deal with these recurring bad memories?

D

Toss

Thank you Dee, and others, I scanned through the beginning of your link and that is some really interesting information, I will read it in full tonight.

I am lone wolfing it for now, but if I start drifting, I will consider a group. I am trying to convince myself that I do not need counselling, but I know I need to try and resolve some deep "father" issues. If there ever was a kid who could not emotionally handle being abandoned by his father, it was me. I am visiting my father more frequently, but my underlying anger towards him disturbs me (never expressed to him), I never let it out, it scares me. Not in a physical sense, but emotionally. I have 33 years of surpression to discard and I'm pretty sure I need professional help to finally free myself of the underlying rage.

But that's not the reason I drank (had to change that to past tense, which is very cool), it's mainly to numb my anxiety, whcih counselling can also help.

Toss

Anna

Toss, I can really relate to this. When I stopped drinking, I began to realize that I had used alcohol to relieve that kind of anxiety, too. I am less social than I used to be and that's okay with me. It was trying to be something that I'm not, that got me into addiction, so I am happy to accept that I am not thrilled with social situations. Just acknowledging that about myself, helped me to feel better.