I'll Remember
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Cary, NC
Posts: 715
I'll Remember
ESH—
Tonight I graduated from college and it seemed like a natural point to reflect on the last seven months, which contained all the trials and tribulations of early sobriety. Then I realized—I can reflect. I never really could do that. It’s hard to reflect on what I can’t remember. So, here goes.
I’ll remember signing up at SR early morning April 6, saying enough is enough. I was tired then. I wanted to walk away from a problem with seemingly no solution.
I’ll remember that first meeting, when I saw normal people with good lives. I wasn’t so different after all.
I’ll remember brain fog and insomnia and wanting to destroy the beer aisle at Kroger.
I’ll remember huddling inside my apartment, listening to the drunken laughter and screams of college students as the semester ended. I thought I hated them then. Really, I was just angry I could never be like them.
I’ll remember that Roller Derby that first Friday. I had to prove to myself that sobriety could still be fun too.
I’ll remember the milestones—30 days, three months, six months.
I’ll remember eating chocolate chip pancakes to celebrate.
I’ll remember lying in bed and wondering how I would get through one week, let alone a month, let alone the rest of my life. The rest of my life sober? That’s a long, long time.
I’ll remember all the big battles—real alcoholics versus hard drinkers, the meaning of a dry drunk, power versus powerlessness. And then I’ll remember letting them go.
I’ll remember Tuesday mornings at Sequoyah, the best sobriety I’ve ever seen. They laughed all the time. They weren’t shaky. They never told war stories. They stuck to the solution and they stuck to their own experience.
I’ll remember at Day 46 going to a bar. Euphoric recall and I had to see if the fun was still there. The smell of whiskey repulsed me. I did not go back.
I’ll remember the first social event and the first day on the job and the first day at school.
I’ll remember excitement and fear and uncertainty all boiling over at once, unable to be contained.
I’ll remember the sense of possibilities, and how those possibilities grew with time and work, and how today I don’t need possibilities at all.
I’ll remember the piece of paper—the constant yearning for the great kind of sobriety, with a job and a girl and all the money. Turned out the yearning was the problem.
I’ll remember figuring out how to eat and how to be alone and how to put the pieces back together after my drinking had smashed them all to bits.
I’ll remember my Grandmother’s death and getting that phone call. I wanted to be with people. I’ve never been in pain and wanted to be around people before.
I’ll remember the good times and the bad times and that sobriety’s not linear.
I’ll remember that once upon a time alcohol ruled me. It ruled my body and ruled my mind and I spent every waking moment figuring out how to get it and how to control it and hating myself the entire time.
I’ll remember that without those that came before, I’d be drinking.
I’ll remember to make every day count and to be grateful because it wasn’t always like this.
I’ll remember.
Tonight I graduated from college and it seemed like a natural point to reflect on the last seven months, which contained all the trials and tribulations of early sobriety. Then I realized—I can reflect. I never really could do that. It’s hard to reflect on what I can’t remember. So, here goes.
I’ll remember signing up at SR early morning April 6, saying enough is enough. I was tired then. I wanted to walk away from a problem with seemingly no solution.
I’ll remember that first meeting, when I saw normal people with good lives. I wasn’t so different after all.
I’ll remember brain fog and insomnia and wanting to destroy the beer aisle at Kroger.
I’ll remember huddling inside my apartment, listening to the drunken laughter and screams of college students as the semester ended. I thought I hated them then. Really, I was just angry I could never be like them.
I’ll remember that Roller Derby that first Friday. I had to prove to myself that sobriety could still be fun too.
I’ll remember the milestones—30 days, three months, six months.
I’ll remember eating chocolate chip pancakes to celebrate.
I’ll remember lying in bed and wondering how I would get through one week, let alone a month, let alone the rest of my life. The rest of my life sober? That’s a long, long time.
I’ll remember all the big battles—real alcoholics versus hard drinkers, the meaning of a dry drunk, power versus powerlessness. And then I’ll remember letting them go.
I’ll remember Tuesday mornings at Sequoyah, the best sobriety I’ve ever seen. They laughed all the time. They weren’t shaky. They never told war stories. They stuck to the solution and they stuck to their own experience.
I’ll remember at Day 46 going to a bar. Euphoric recall and I had to see if the fun was still there. The smell of whiskey repulsed me. I did not go back.
I’ll remember the first social event and the first day on the job and the first day at school.
I’ll remember excitement and fear and uncertainty all boiling over at once, unable to be contained.
I’ll remember the sense of possibilities, and how those possibilities grew with time and work, and how today I don’t need possibilities at all.
I’ll remember the piece of paper—the constant yearning for the great kind of sobriety, with a job and a girl and all the money. Turned out the yearning was the problem.
I’ll remember figuring out how to eat and how to be alone and how to put the pieces back together after my drinking had smashed them all to bits.
I’ll remember my Grandmother’s death and getting that phone call. I wanted to be with people. I’ve never been in pain and wanted to be around people before.
I’ll remember the good times and the bad times and that sobriety’s not linear.
I’ll remember that once upon a time alcohol ruled me. It ruled my body and ruled my mind and I spent every waking moment figuring out how to get it and how to control it and hating myself the entire time.
I’ll remember that without those that came before, I’d be drinking.
I’ll remember to make every day count and to be grateful because it wasn’t always like this.
I’ll remember.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Somewhere in my head!
Posts: 41
Thank you so much for your post. After everything that has happened during my "drunken" life I thought I had forgotten how to appreciate all that is truly given to me. I only need to take the time to acknowledge them. Your post opened my eyes a little more and at only day 33 (again) I really needed it.
Thanks again.
Thanks again.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 73
Tonight I graduated from college
VERY AWESOME!! I'm happy to read that you'll remember. See, I "forgot", and, well, , , its all true what "they" say ~ go on, go back out there; if you do, however, you'll spiral faster and land lower than where you left off.
True that. Yup, I forgot. Time became my enemy. Years srung together with sobriety lost its significance, because, I forgot.
Never ever EVER forget!
btw, you're my hero - I graduate in March and, God willing, will be four months sober for my graduation - rich success to you as you step out!
~d
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Connecticut
Posts: 7
That sounds wonderful. I wonder what my life could bring if I could get that far re sobriety...like maybe a relationship. And I don't mean college. I have one undergraduate degree, two master's, one PhD and teach at a top university. So much to loose and still can't seem to get it together. Hearing the success stories gives me hope. It is what to do after school and that structure that seems to be making matters worse for me.. I feel lost and it it nice to hear from those who feel found.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!
I'm so proud of you, Draciack. We started at the same time and I remember how much the support of our Mayflower group meant to me.
Your post touched me deeply and I just want to say I'm so glad you've been a part of my journey. Carry on, my friend!!:day6
I'm so proud of you, Draciack. We started at the same time and I remember how much the support of our Mayflower group meant to me.
Your post touched me deeply and I just want to say I'm so glad you've been a part of my journey. Carry on, my friend!!:day6
Guest
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 2,013
Thank you for posting man!! It was a real great post!! All the best for your life in regards to life after graduating and all of that. But I guess as long as you keep sobriety and recovery top priority then everything will turn out positively as it's meant to 'one day at a time'!!
Nice one man, peace
Nice one man, peace
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: New York
Posts: 35,731
Congratulations on a Sober Graduation! What a big accomplishment. Getting sober and graduating. I'm so happy for you.
Thanks you for the amazing post. Brought to mind how we ALL need to remember.
Best Best Wishes To You!!
Thanks you for the amazing post. Brought to mind how we ALL need to remember.
Best Best Wishes To You!!
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