very new and confused!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: brooklyn ny
Posts: 15
very new and confused!
My question is complicated to me. It is Am I an addict? of course I know no one can tell me that, but I'm finding it to be a hard thing figure out. I guess I am comparing myself to people that really are so into the addiction and people that have used and used and lost a lot.
Im very unsure of myself and lack self esteem because I am embarrassed to ask any questions as people might just think Im looking for a problem.
I was in AA half-heartdly many years ago and stayed sober for about 4 years. It wasnt very hard for me. I was also self concious then as my problems only seemed minute compared to the other people there. I just seemed like a typical kid (22) who was getting wild drinking and doing drugs here and there.
fast forward got married while sober to a sober person. (also recovering) in between had a child... when she was almost a year found out husband was a sex addict... worked through a lot of it. My life turned upside down. a lot happened in between but lets just say His addiction changed to drugs and continues to be...
I got back together with him knowing that he was doing pills (oxy roxy ritilan) etc. he was seeing a dr and sporadicly clean using suboxine. While we were apart I did play around with pills pks, extacy mushrooms and was abusing ritilan (helped me with school)and the likes plus klonipin for a couple years.
anyway...here i am now. I don't know how long 'Ive been using. It started out id take one here and there and sometimes for period pain or back ache whatever. Mostly roxy the blue ones. started out swallowing them and pretending I didnt like them so much. Id say ive been ingesting them sporaticly for about a year. over the past few months I took more and would take it for many more ailments (manipulating husband) and feeling cravings.
honestly I dont know for how long and have taken oxy roxy vicodin perc, whatever I could get without making a fuss. now over the past I dont know, few months have been taking blue roxys a few times a week snorting them feeling great and wanting to continue. Im only taking like 2-3 which is like 90 mgs but i love them. embarrassed but obsess over it and stoped for a few days and got withdrawl. now i keep starting and stopping. My husband gave me some suboxine and it helps sometimes but I guess i just wanna quit cold turkey. Im really wondering if its possible that i am addicted from such little use. It may be even less than im mentioning cause i dont even remember. I feel like a poser showing up at na meetings and my hub although still using refuses to get me more. i dont know where to turn. I feel so lost and that i am making something outta nothing.
i am so sorry for the incoherent message but im filled with feelings and have no one to talk to about it. my husband and his friend are the only ones who know and are in active addiction. please someone try to get back to me.
Im very unsure of myself and lack self esteem because I am embarrassed to ask any questions as people might just think Im looking for a problem.
I was in AA half-heartdly many years ago and stayed sober for about 4 years. It wasnt very hard for me. I was also self concious then as my problems only seemed minute compared to the other people there. I just seemed like a typical kid (22) who was getting wild drinking and doing drugs here and there.
fast forward got married while sober to a sober person. (also recovering) in between had a child... when she was almost a year found out husband was a sex addict... worked through a lot of it. My life turned upside down. a lot happened in between but lets just say His addiction changed to drugs and continues to be...
I got back together with him knowing that he was doing pills (oxy roxy ritilan) etc. he was seeing a dr and sporadicly clean using suboxine. While we were apart I did play around with pills pks, extacy mushrooms and was abusing ritilan (helped me with school)and the likes plus klonipin for a couple years.
anyway...here i am now. I don't know how long 'Ive been using. It started out id take one here and there and sometimes for period pain or back ache whatever. Mostly roxy the blue ones. started out swallowing them and pretending I didnt like them so much. Id say ive been ingesting them sporaticly for about a year. over the past few months I took more and would take it for many more ailments (manipulating husband) and feeling cravings.
honestly I dont know for how long and have taken oxy roxy vicodin perc, whatever I could get without making a fuss. now over the past I dont know, few months have been taking blue roxys a few times a week snorting them feeling great and wanting to continue. Im only taking like 2-3 which is like 90 mgs but i love them. embarrassed but obsess over it and stoped for a few days and got withdrawl. now i keep starting and stopping. My husband gave me some suboxine and it helps sometimes but I guess i just wanna quit cold turkey. Im really wondering if its possible that i am addicted from such little use. It may be even less than im mentioning cause i dont even remember. I feel like a poser showing up at na meetings and my hub although still using refuses to get me more. i dont know where to turn. I feel so lost and that i am making something outta nothing.
i am so sorry for the incoherent message but im filled with feelings and have no one to talk to about it. my husband and his friend are the only ones who know and are in active addiction. please someone try to get back to me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: brooklyn ny
Posts: 15
I also contacted an outpatient facility and they recomended i go for a inpatient detox i was suprised and my husband actually laughed and said I dont need it since it wont be hard since i didnt use so long. I believe him but im now all of a sudden nervous cause maybe I dont belong there at all. I will be laughed out of na meetings for sure.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: brooklyn ny
Posts: 15
I actually re read my post and see it made no sense really just want to know if i can actually have a real problem at this stage. my husband just keeps telling me how lucky i am that im not like him and should see how stupid it is to continue. anyway i hope someone replies
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Tulipo))) - first of all, your husband is an active addict, so I would say don't listen to him. I'm not trying to be harsh, but I'm an RA (recovering addict) as well as a recovering codependent who's had nothing BUT relationships with A's (addicts/alcholics) and what they say is usually based on wanting to keep you where you are....putting up with them, and even better, using with them. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt in every color...sigh.
If you're concerned about your using, you've had withdrawals when you've tried to quit, it's a problem. No one can tell you whether you're an addict, or not, except you. I can just say that "normal" people do not crush/snort pills.
My DOC (drug of choice) is crack. However, I drank like a fish when I was younger, I abused the heck out of opiates (never snorted them, but did inject them), and that's when I went to NA. I didn't feel nearly as comfortable, there, as I did at AA. The town I lived in had an alano club, and there were many cross-addicted (alcohol and drugs) people there, and I was an RN...there were several there.
Unfortunately, I didn't use the program as I should have. It was during that time that I discovered crack. HOWEVER, since I've gotten into recovery, I still use a lot of what I learned back then.
I, personally, could not be around someone who was using the very drug I was addicted to. I had to leave my XABF (ex addict boyfriend) for this reason. It hurt, a lot, but I knew my very survival dependend on it. When I was around him, I made some really, really bad decisions. He died, a year ago. I don't know the details, but it's pretty sure that his years-long addiction/alcoholism was the cause.
SR has been my lifeline. I've made many friends, here, all over the world. When I'm having a bad day, I come here. When I'm having a good day, I come here. There's just something about "talking" to people who get you. I'm not saying you don't need more than SR, I'm just saying this is a pretty good place to be
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
If you're concerned about your using, you've had withdrawals when you've tried to quit, it's a problem. No one can tell you whether you're an addict, or not, except you. I can just say that "normal" people do not crush/snort pills.
My DOC (drug of choice) is crack. However, I drank like a fish when I was younger, I abused the heck out of opiates (never snorted them, but did inject them), and that's when I went to NA. I didn't feel nearly as comfortable, there, as I did at AA. The town I lived in had an alano club, and there were many cross-addicted (alcohol and drugs) people there, and I was an RN...there were several there.
Unfortunately, I didn't use the program as I should have. It was during that time that I discovered crack. HOWEVER, since I've gotten into recovery, I still use a lot of what I learned back then.
I, personally, could not be around someone who was using the very drug I was addicted to. I had to leave my XABF (ex addict boyfriend) for this reason. It hurt, a lot, but I knew my very survival dependend on it. When I was around him, I made some really, really bad decisions. He died, a year ago. I don't know the details, but it's pretty sure that his years-long addiction/alcoholism was the cause.
SR has been my lifeline. I've made many friends, here, all over the world. When I'm having a bad day, I come here. When I'm having a good day, I come here. There's just something about "talking" to people who get you. I'm not saying you don't need more than SR, I'm just saying this is a pretty good place to be
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Somewhere in my head!
Posts: 41
Hey there. Congrats to you for making the first step......acknowledging your problem. I'm a perfect example for you.....I had only been drinking for about 6 months when I realized I had a problem with alcohol. I couldn't stop, nor did I want to even though I realized that it was already ruling my life. For the past 4 years I've had a few sober times but I drank more often than not and drank badly. I would down at least 4-5 (750ml) bottles of vodka a week. I woke in an ICU once with a .42 and having a doctor tell me I should have been dead.
Please make every effort to stay sober and drug free. NA and AA are there to help and I don't think anyone would laugh at you. If you honestly feel you have enough of a problem to be there I think they will welcome you with open arms.
Good luck.
Please make every effort to stay sober and drug free. NA and AA are there to help and I don't think anyone would laugh at you. If you honestly feel you have enough of a problem to be there I think they will welcome you with open arms.
Good luck.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
hi Tulipo
I think anytime you're worried about what you're taking or how much, and all the problems it's causing, it's big enough of a problem to worry about.
Don't worry about comparing yourself to others - its not a comparative situation - we're all in this together. I'm sure it's the same at NA too
I'm an alcoholic so I don't know much about your drugs of choice. If it's been suggested to go inpatient I hope you'll consider that though - it's your decision to make - my advice is do what you think is best for you.
We also have a substance abuse forum here you may like to look at
Substance Abuse - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Welcome to SR
D
I think anytime you're worried about what you're taking or how much, and all the problems it's causing, it's big enough of a problem to worry about.
Don't worry about comparing yourself to others - its not a comparative situation - we're all in this together. I'm sure it's the same at NA too
I'm an alcoholic so I don't know much about your drugs of choice. If it's been suggested to go inpatient I hope you'll consider that though - it's your decision to make - my advice is do what you think is best for you.
We also have a substance abuse forum here you may like to look at
Substance Abuse - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Welcome to SR
D
Groovy Dancer
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: The States
Posts: 4,751
tulipo,
I don't know if your an addict. You talked to a treatment facility and they thought you were using enough to go through detox. You are concerned you are, which tells me you prob have a problem. No offense meant to your husband, but he is definitely not the one rely on whether you are an addict.
I do not have experience with NA meetings. I am sure they will not laugh at you though. A lot of alcoholics did not need to be arrested and involved in crashes to know they had a problem. You don't need to go through similar things to know you are an addict. If you have trouble going without those meds, you have a problem. Not to mention how dangerous it is. Try a meeting out.
Good luck and keep us posted.
I don't know if your an addict. You talked to a treatment facility and they thought you were using enough to go through detox. You are concerned you are, which tells me you prob have a problem. No offense meant to your husband, but he is definitely not the one rely on whether you are an addict.
I do not have experience with NA meetings. I am sure they will not laugh at you though. A lot of alcoholics did not need to be arrested and involved in crashes to know they had a problem. You don't need to go through similar things to know you are an addict. If you have trouble going without those meds, you have a problem. Not to mention how dangerous it is. Try a meeting out.
Good luck and keep us posted.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: brooklyn ny
Posts: 15
oh thank you for quick replies. Im in school for rn as well and took the semester off cause im a depressed mess. my husband is saying how its all his fault and hell never give me another pill again. I feel demeaned because its like he thinks i have no mind of my own but i know its for the best although I hate that hes my only drug contact and its a secret to everyone but him and his drug addicted friend. the outpatient place sugested inpatient wd cause of my support at home being strange and the fact that I have a 5 year old that i must take care of. being away may help. hub said no way I going is necessary. For that hes prob right but i have sub in my system now. He said withdrawl wont be bad cause im not into it like him. Im going to do this cause my daughter needs a good mother. I take her to school late almost everyday and grit my teeth till she goes to sleep. I love her more than anything . more than drugs but right now if they were in front of me... also I eat klonipin like candy, literally... dont know how many i take but at night i just get up and chew one .5 and a little later more have know idea what im up to. its funny in a way cause i actually think this is normal Thurs I have an evaluation so hope i can stay focused till then and actually show up.
my husband is saying how its all his fault and hell never give me another pill again. I feel demeaned because its like he thinks i have no mind of my own but i know its for the best although I hate that hes my only drug contact and its a secret to everyone but him and his drug addicted friend. the outpatient place sugested inpatient wd cause of my support at home being strange and the fact that I have a 5 year old that i must take care of. being away may help. hub said no way I going is necessary. For that hes prob right but i have sub in my system now. He said withdrawl wont be bad cause im not into it like him. Im going to do this cause my daughter needs a good mother. I take her to school late almost everyday and grit my teeth till she goes to sleep. I love her more than anything . more than drugs but right now if they were in front of me... also I eat klonipin like candy, literally... dont know how many i take but at night i just get up and chew one .5 and a little later more have know idea what im up to. its funny in a way cause i actually think this is normal Thurs I have an evaluation so hope i can stay focused till then and actually show up.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((tulipo))) you really need to get a grip on this before going on with your plans to be an RN. I NEVER thought I'd get to where I did....taking drugs from work, and I didn't even have a CLUE that I had a problem until it happened. Even after it did, I still didn't take it serious, and I lost my nursing career. There are several nurses here, and having the keys to the drug cart is NOT a good thing. Trust me...I was an RN for 12 years. I am now working 3 jobs, including McDonald's because of my addiction. The BON doesn't play.
One other thing....klonopin is a hard thing to get off of. I don't have personal experience with it, but my stepsister got addicted to it. She expressed concern to her dr., who just blew her off, and she ended up in detox for a couple of weeks. My niece (about the same age as your daughter, at the time) would say "mommy just falls asleep on the floor, sometimes". Granted, she has other health problems, but it took detox, counseling, and an addictionologist to get her off of it. She's a very smart woman...she could easily be an RN...knows a LOT about health and medical stuff, but it didn't stop her, and it didn't stop me.
Whether this is harsh, or not....stop listening to your husband. Your gut is telling you there is a problem, and my gut has never failed me. Listen to those of us who have been where you are, and are in recovery. Most of us didn't get there easily...I know I had to hit a pretty low bottom (try going from an RN to a crackhead prostitute!!). You don't have to sink as low as I did.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
One other thing....klonopin is a hard thing to get off of. I don't have personal experience with it, but my stepsister got addicted to it. She expressed concern to her dr., who just blew her off, and she ended up in detox for a couple of weeks. My niece (about the same age as your daughter, at the time) would say "mommy just falls asleep on the floor, sometimes". Granted, she has other health problems, but it took detox, counseling, and an addictionologist to get her off of it. She's a very smart woman...she could easily be an RN...knows a LOT about health and medical stuff, but it didn't stop her, and it didn't stop me.
Whether this is harsh, or not....stop listening to your husband. Your gut is telling you there is a problem, and my gut has never failed me. Listen to those of us who have been where you are, and are in recovery. Most of us didn't get there easily...I know I had to hit a pretty low bottom (try going from an RN to a crackhead prostitute!!). You don't have to sink as low as I did.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: brooklyn ny
Posts: 15
wow thank you for sharing and being so honest. This problem crept up so quickly! Im half in denial but i think its only my insecurity. Its like I want someone to tell me how I feel cause I dont know. Thank you soooo much. Im so glad I joined sober recovery tonight. I felt that i needed to speak with some one besides husband and i thinkI hit the jackpot with ou guys how tell it like it is. thanks!
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Welcome Tulipo - My DOC was alcohol (but had my share of trying out a lot of things). I found that I couldn't quit on my own and came here and it's made all the difference for me.
I think that any time a substance has a hold on us, it's time to look at addiction. There's physical addiction for sure, but I found the mental addiction to be the hardest to deal with.
I've also been to treatment (once when I had small children). I recommend it highly to those who can do it. I understand you have a small child, though. Keep posting and reading - this is a great place and we understand where you're at.
I think that any time a substance has a hold on us, it's time to look at addiction. There's physical addiction for sure, but I found the mental addiction to be the hardest to deal with.
I've also been to treatment (once when I had small children). I recommend it highly to those who can do it. I understand you have a small child, though. Keep posting and reading - this is a great place and we understand where you're at.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Connecticut
Posts: 7
One thing to consider, that struck me right away, is that taking Suboxone (and the other drugs) is sporadically sending you in and out of withdrawal. Not a good place to make a decision from. I really think your thought of getting professional advice is a good one - get several opinions if you are wondering about the first. I am really struggling as well and know the feeling of, well they are worse... but are you happy? do you feel anxious about your situation? in your gut do you know it is a problem and just waiting to hear it from someone else? That is what i try to honestly ask myself. hope this helps and good luck!!
In some ways this website tells you what you already know on some level, but it feels good to have it validated.
In some ways this website tells you what you already know on some level, but it feels good to have it validated.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Great Outdoors
Posts: 1,992
Hi Tulipo. Alcohol is my drug of choice..I just want to tell you that I recently had to get out of a 25 yr relationship with my ex husband. yeah..we divorced but then got back together even tho we didn't remarry. Both of us drank. Of course he was not supportive in my wanting to quit drinking..I joined in drinking with him to put up with him. I can't explain it very well. But as hard as that was to break apart..it was the BEST decision I ever made in my life. The more I would stress to him that I was sick of drinking..the more he would bring more alcohol in the house. Sometimes..you have to divide to conquer. We were both SICK people. I chose to pull away and be well. Your husband could be saying you don't need help because he likes being able to use ..if you break away you will see how sick he is. At least..that is what happened in my case. I was hurt and angry until just recently. I felt like he chose alcohol over getting well with me. Just recently..I realized I am no longer angry. I feel sorry for him. I think he lost the ability to see that he does have a choice to get sober..he is too far into the addiction. My best to you..I hope you find your way. This is a long story..I just wanted to say DON'T LISTEN TO HIM! He is an addict and not in any position to guide your thinking...Welcome.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: brooklyn ny
Posts: 15
i can see that hapening. right now hes beating himself up about "letting this happen to me" and promised never to give me drugs again. for some reason that hurts cause he's in control of everything. He gets to tell me no more drugs, (even though i am choosing it) and he gets to tell me its not that bad and i can kick the habit at home cause i havent been usng for years like him. (lets see how his patience runs out when I sleep all day and stick responsibility on him) and he doesnt want to hear me talking about it cause he has his own problems. Thurs is my evaluation and hopefully begining of outpatient but i cant help wanting to get high just one more time before rehab. Addiction is funny like that. Ive been sober almost 48 hrs, with sub. im lost. im starting w/d again tonight. took sub this am. sorry to be long winded.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
tulipo - Don't worry about being "long winded...." You're going through a lot right now (and relationships usually complicate things!)
You're right that this is your sobriety, your life...... and even though I'm sure you care about your boyfriend, you have to put yourself first right now. We're rooting for you!
You're right that this is your sobriety, your life...... and even though I'm sure you care about your boyfriend, you have to put yourself first right now. We're rooting for you!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: brooklyn ny
Posts: 15
more bs but its hurting me
although I have seen so many people get taken in and downward by addiction it didn't stop me.(Father, Husband, friends) I didnt think I was invincible but the LOVE of the feeling of opiates was worth it all at the time and sometimes still feels it. Husband keeps telling me how stupid it is that i do it and that Its like I was asking for trouble. I believe the first time I took enough I was hooked mentally. Ive been so depressed for so long and already addicted to benxos. The respite of depression and actually feeling good sure got me. Even though I see where he is(very addicted struggling and at the end of his rope) Also financially two addicts under one roof (not selling drugs and husband has super high tolerance). We make a nice salary yet,rent, car, food, clothing, and tuition Are such a stressors bills are not getting paid. Its total chaos at home. part of me enjoys being addicted with him because we share something and before he was in his own bubble.(super codapendant!!!) I don't know what to do because Im in withdrawal (he said its nothing compared to his withdrawal and I can for sure get through it cold turkey, as hes been using for years at high mgs. Im so long winded and messed up today. I cant imagine that my witdrawl is a peice of cake it hurts a lot pain sweating stomach issues and freezing to name some symptoms. He's on and off not sober and comes home high sometimes, it kills me. He has suboxine but uses it sometimes, he says I contribute to his using cause i am asking for drugs. I get so angry and jealous. I want to make the right decisions about my treatment and cant imagine doing this alone. I have a daughter and Thank God Im a pretty good mother but Im tired of telling her I dont feel good. Also I take her to school very late somedaysl Shes in school 8-3:30 but after if im deopxing i cant bathe her or cook! read I only use at night, but it affects me all day. No suboxine today... cause i dont want it. Feeling bad but cant complain to him and he is the only one that knows. I am part of a community that is not open to addiction and especially for women. I am an orthodox
jew. my evaluation is tomorrow for outpatient facility but on the phone i was reccomended in patient detox. I would really like to go so I dont have to deal with real life while getting physically sober but my husband is totally against it. as we have a 5 year old and feels he cant work his schedule around it and "she needs me" hes not sober either (functuions well and is good with her, doesnt drive with her etc...
he has no health insurance and I do, He said if anyone should go it should be him but he has made no effort to get insurance or try to inpatient detox. I guess i want to go away for detox (maybe they can help with the benzos? Im so sorry to go on and on im just desperate for advice. someone please give me some feedback!
PS i go for evluatiion thurs and am obsessing on getting some roxys tonight one last time. It excites me beyond belief. does everyone binge before rehab??
forgive me for writing my heart out. I feel so alone
jew. my evaluation is tomorrow for outpatient facility but on the phone i was reccomended in patient detox. I would really like to go so I dont have to deal with real life while getting physically sober but my husband is totally against it. as we have a 5 year old and feels he cant work his schedule around it and "she needs me" hes not sober either (functuions well and is good with her, doesnt drive with her etc...
he has no health insurance and I do, He said if anyone should go it should be him but he has made no effort to get insurance or try to inpatient detox. I guess i want to go away for detox (maybe they can help with the benzos? Im so sorry to go on and on im just desperate for advice. someone please give me some feedback!
PS i go for evluatiion thurs and am obsessing on getting some roxys tonight one last time. It excites me beyond belief. does everyone binge before rehab??
forgive me for writing my heart out. I feel so alone
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
I hope you don't binge Tulipo.
I think many of us feel that way - but it's ridiculous really.
You've told us about why you want to quit - but you want to do it again?
It's the madness of addiction.
I hope you make the best choice for yourself.
D
I think many of us feel that way - but it's ridiculous really.
You've told us about why you want to quit - but you want to do it again?
It's the madness of addiction.
I hope you make the best choice for yourself.
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: brooklyn ny
Posts: 15
To binnge or not. . havent decided but looks like not.. but im being really crazy took some sub yesterday am and now feeling crappy. anyway appointment tomorrow about being evaluated for outpatient. On the phone I was told that maybe I should go to an inpatient detox.. Im scared to death my husband thinks i shouldnt go cause we have a 5 year old daughter and shell miss me and that he doesnt think he can manage on his own (3-5)days. and just not neccesary. Im just scared it will be scary like a psych ward in a movie!! but honestly im a little inclined to go although when i talk to hub about it i feel embarrassed. hes not saying anything to make me feel that way, I just keep thinking that I am not that bad. I havent been hardcore using and he uses much more than me. Im addicted though. but i keep doubting myself. denial is something that really creeps up on me. I sort of want to go eventhough all these thoughts are going on... Im just afraid i dont really need it and if I can find a decent place in nyc brooklyn area that will take ins. i talked to a bunch of places and ruled a lot out. i liked talking to long island university north shore and they were very helpful. i dont know. I have a hard time going against what my husband says and i feel embarrassed. anyone in the ny area know of any decent detox hospitals???
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
