lkc2010

I have no idea WHY I cannot stay sober. I just cannot and I'm very tired of the mayhem that I continue to create for myself.

I'm hung over and really sick again. I'm not going into work. I was so ridiculously drunk this weekend that I had the worst hang over I've ever had on Saturday and Sunday. It actually scared me how sick I got.

I had a horrible day at work yesterday and drank myself into another oblivion. Ive been on a binge. I'm going to hurt myself accidentally or find myself in a terrible situation if I don't knock it off.

You would think I'd learn. I cannot express enough how tired of being a drunk I am. I don't want my bottom to get any worse. I need to go back to AA but feel like I've failed at it (I know they'll take me back). I just feel like an idiot 'oh there's that girl that can't stay sober'.

Yuck. I need to help myself. I made myself yet another promise this am to get sober and stay sober. I'm going to try very hard to stick to it.

DayTrader

I know what ya mean..... I never could figure out why that kept happening. When I started recovery, I discovered my truth - that I'm a real alcoholic and I drink "no matter what." That's just the real alcoholic (aka "chronic alcoholic") does.

I spent many many months agonizing and trying to figure out WHY I was an alcoholic - why that was my fate... never did get an answer to that one.

All I can say is that trying to figure out how you came to be standing in the middle of a busy highway with traffic bearing down on you isn't nearly as important, in that instant, as getting out of the way of the traffic. For me that meant I HAD to quit worrying about why I was/am the way I was/am and turn my attention to what I was going to DO about it NOW.

We only have the present. Make the most of it but not trying to live in the past or the future.

northland

I'm in the same boat. I keep relapsing. After a week or two, I get the biggest urge to drink, and it seems like there is nothing I can do to not drink. Addiction is the most powerful force I have faced in my life. When the cravings come, I am at its mercy. I know I shouldn't drink, I know how bad it is for me. Yet, when the addictive cravings come, none of those thoughts cross my mind. Just the simplistic thought that I will be rewarded immediately if I take the drink.

northland

this kind of thinking doesn't work when I get cravings. I need to remind myself how embarrassing I am when I drink, what alcohol has done for me in the past. But for some reason, when I do get cravings, I can't conjure up the memories

Rift

I can't seem to stay sober either. I have recently fallen to temptation. At home all alone and bam I went out and purchased alcohol. It really sucks. Forget my sober date that dang thing seems to not pan out. Real sorry that this has happened to you. I guess try again. Same for me as well.

SSIL75

wrong post

keithj

Yeah, I can relate. I made hundreds of those promises. I just could never seem to stick to them for very long. Over and over and over. Sometimes on a daily basis.

There was obviously something wrong with me. What happened to all that willpower and drive I could put towards other things? But when it came to alcoholism, I was beat and kept getting beat every time I tried.

There were a number of people who had the same experience as I did with those continued, broken promises. Except, they had been sober for a long time. They shared with me what they did to recover. I did those same exact things, and I recovered. I never had to make one of those promises again.

northland

one thing we have going for ourselves, even though we might be relapsing, is we feel the guilt and shame of drinking. Most alcoholics in this world are in complete denial that they have a drinking problem. If you realize you have a problem, and want to do something about it, yet you keep relapsing, don't get too upset. Just keep learning. I personally have faith that one day things are just gonna click, and it'll all make sense.

DayTrader

North, I believe you misunderstood what I was saying...

If someone IS able to remember their last drunk.....and the memory of (fear of repeating) that drunk is enough to keep them sober.......and they CAN control your drinking......then by all means - remember your last drunk and control your drinking.

For me, that didn't work - remembering my past wasn't enough. I could trust neither my memory to be available to me at the moment of truth nor my ability to control my drinking.

I had to switch gears and start taking proactive action now, in the present, to change my life or I was going to be destined to continue repeating my past. As Keith shared, I had to give up the delusion that my will-power would work. I began to work the 12-Steps now to get the improvements I wanted in my life yet was unable to bring about on my own. Besides, sitting around trying to figure out "why did it happen back then.....?" surely wasn't getting or keeping me sober.

lkc2010

Hi Guys - Thanks for the responses. I know I need to get my head straight and make the commitment not to drink. Why's it SO HARD. Like its JUST alcohol. You'd think we could just stop - we don't need it to live. I'm such a mess and I'm making a mess of my life. I go to crazyland when I drink and my behavior is out of control.

I keep trying to stay positive but its really hard.

northland

sorry, ya that makes sense. That's my exact problem. It doesn't matter how bad my last binge was, what i did, or what I've done in the past. None of it matters when I get cravings. It's like my brain hides these things from me, because it knows it can trick me into getting what it wants (alcohol). The big book says it perfectly in ch 2

"The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink. Our so-called will power becomes practically nonexistent. We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink."

northland

I've been meeting with a Counsellor and she likes talking about what physically happens when a person gets cravings. It's disturbing. Your brain is your own worst enemy. It tricks you into drinking, yet you know it's a bad idea.

DayTrader

Werrrrrrrrrd! I remember my jaw kinda dropping (as well as my heart) when I read those sentences the first time. Dam.... they had me SOOOO pegged!

lkc2010

I'm actually fearful of my behavior when I'm drinking. I totally change and I'm afraid that I'm going to get into a situation I cannot get out of. This is the thought that I hold onto in the morning -- I don't want to get hurt. I drink til black out generally and will go out alone.

I've been told to not be so hard on myself. I probably shouldn't be but I wish this was easier. I know that work is a trigger for me. Its very stressful and its actually expected that you drink (client functions etc).

northland

ya, when I read the big book, it makes me laugh. This book was written in a different time of life, yet it is timeless. I'm just having a hard time working the steps and making this work. It's like I'm doing a hurdles race, every hurdle I come to I do a face-plant, but it doesn't matter, cause I'm gonna make it to the finish line

northland

I'm the same way. I'll go buy a bottle, slam it, and just start walking around town. I'm gonna end up back in jail

endlesspatience

I can really relate to what you are all saying here, guys. But I am concentrating on one of the AA messages at the moment: "Are you prepared to do whatever it takes?" to tackle this disease. For me, that means going to meetings every day (went to TWO yesterday) and keeping in really close touch with my sponsor and other members of AA as well as using this board. I could have picked up this morning and was really tempted to do so, as I'd have been able to drink alone with (according to my diseased mind) very few consequences. Somehow I climbed that hurdle and made it home without buying any booze and now I'm preparing to attend another AA meeting. Got to say that even coping with the cravings for one short day lifts the fog enough for me to see why I decided to stop drinking in the first place.

lkc2010

I totally do that north. I start drinking, finish the bottle, and head down to the bars. SO BAD. Then I just continue drinking til bar time. And I do it all alone. So messed up.

PaleMale

You should really consider going to a bunch of meetings ASAP. You'll meet people who were just like you, and can totally relate to your struggle. The 90 in 90 might be a great idea. Not sure where you live, but perhaps there's a women's group as well.

I'm in the early phase of recovery, and the people I am meeting at these AA meetings have been great and a real help. One of my groups is an agnostic group, and they have reworded the 3rd step a little (I am using this wording just to make a point):

3 I made a decision to entrust my will and my life to the care of this collective of recovering alcoholics, and the wisdom and resources of those who have searched before me.

There is great power in a group. And a group that will check on you, or whom you can call before you drunk again, who understand by experience what you're going through.

My heartfelt wishes for your recovery.

Anna

You're right to recognize how seriously dangerous that kind of behaviour is. I also blacked out sometimes, and it was the most scary thing ever. My anxiety was already high, and wondering what I had done or said, but couldn't remember made everything so much worse.

I'm glad you are here and seeking support.