6yearsold

But, I am on day 5 and I know I am going to relapse. I went to my first AA meeting last night and it was alright. I thought of going to another tonight but it is a "closed" meeting and I don't know what that means. I have worked hrd for 5 days and I don't have to work tomorrow and I want to unwind and I want to drink a couple beers. I don't know if this is normal to admit defeat before it has happened but I figured I wanted to be honest with yall. I feel like every night I come here and I am so encouraging in recovery and I want all those things I have said to yall to work for me, also. But, at the end of today. I want to go and have a beer and unwind. I might have 4. I don't know. I can only stop for myself and deperately want to better my life but I look at others and they seem to not have a problem having a couple and I want that for myself. I also want to be able to unwind. I also want to be able to let go of all these stressful feelings I have felt over the last couple of days.

Mark75

SR and AA will be here when you've had enough. Please don't let your bottom be so low that you lose things that are important.

Yep, you have got to want it. Good luck and keep coming back!

Ghostly

You need to decide what you want to do. If you want to quit you can. If you want to quit for today...you can. If you want today to be longer...it can.

Maybe you can be one of those people that has a couple and quits. I can't. From what you've written you probably can't do that either.

Ultimately this is your decision.

Good luck.

Dee74

I gave up on sobriety many times, Rachel.

The kinds of things that you spoke about in your first post kept happening to me - in fact they got worse - much worse.

You already know that there's no solutions along the way you came, or you wouldn't be here.

Try something different. Give it a chance.

You and I are not like other people.

They drink and move on...we drink and spin our wheels and get ourselves into dreadful situations...sometimes for months.

Only you can weight up the short term relief you get against all the consequences you've suffered so far - and will suffer in future Rachel.

If you read around, you'll see there are many of us living stressful lives - but we find other ways to deal with stress, and other ways to learn how to relax. New sober ways of living and dealing with things take time to learn and they don't bring oblivion with them, but they bring their own rewards, and they work...if you are prepared to put in the effort.

I hope you make some good choices Rachel.

D

least

A 'closed' meeting means for alcoholics only. If you are an alcoholic you can attend a closed meeting.

As far as admitting failure before it happens... well, I'd try not to do that as it's setting yourself up to fail. There are other ways to ease stress but you have to learn how to relax without alcohol. It is possible. I'm doing it and I never thought I could live without drinking. But I can, and I'm living better than ever before.

Give yourself as much of a chance to succeed as you're giving yourself to fail.

Isaiah

Oh, 6yearsold, you can't relapse and unwind all at once--you sound ashamed already and you haven't even started. The reason drinking is a relapse for you is because you don't drink like other people do. There's nothing you can do to want it, no more than a diabetic can want to eat birthday cake like others do.

To say, "it's been a difficult week so I must drink," even if you plan it for just one day is opening the door to drinking without end. Because life is always going to be stressful at times. To make drinking the solution to life, when one has not been able to control it, means a life of uncontrolled drinking. There's no wiggle room there.

You can do it. There are other ways to unwind than choosing to drink.

6yearsold

I know and I have spoken to 2 other people on the telephone about this within the last hour and I as of right now I am not going to drink. I think I am in a rut but i hope to get out of it. I recently got all my movies from my parents house so I am going to lock myself in my room and just watch them. I am sorry to worry yall. And I am ashamed of this and I do want a better life- I just really want to drink. I can't be any more honest than that.

ItsMe23

last time i wanted to unwind, i ended up crashing a car and getting a dwi.

I know exactly what you speak of, you see others drink and think ohh why can i not have 4. I feel those feelings all the time, but i know if i let my guard down and have just 1, that's it, i will feel that little buzz and begin the chase. Eventually ending up passing out and waking up feeling like crap with alot of regret.

MsCooterBrown

Watch movies. Take a shower. Watch Intervention (that really makes me think every time I see an episode) ..do anything to divert your mind away from drinking. You are losing your memory of your worst hangover..get that back and use it everytime you think you want to drink. You really don't wanna...And in the morning you will feel like pure cr@p warmed over. Hang in there with us. Sounds like if you are in the food industry you may be exposed to alcohol more than me. If you can just get the image of a bottle of ANYTHING alcoholic = hangover and anxiety maybe that will help!

johndelko408

Dee said it perfectly. We are not like other people who can have a few drinks and be fine with that. The greatest obsession of every alcoholic is to one day be able to control their drinking. Some us will drink ourselves into our graves trying to achieve this. I read your second post about now not wanting to drink, which is good. But make sure you have some phone numbers handy just in case. As far as the closed meeting just look at the letter codes. If there is an "m" it means its a closed men's meeting. Just look at your local directory, I'm sure theres an online one to find exactly what the meeting is closed to. It could be a women's only meeting.

artsoul

Hi 6 - It's normal to want to drink, especially at 5 days sober. Try having something with sugar in it. Put it off for another day. Make some popcorn for your movies. Or just read, read, read the posts on this forum and remind yourself what alcohol does to us.

We're with you - I've have some urges the past two days (getting into the holiday mood, lol - STRESS!). The more we give into it though, the more it takes from us.

Be proud that you posted before you drank!

nvrbeentospain

I don't know how things worked out after your last post, but good for you for calling friends and thinking of ways to resist the temptation! I hear you, too, on the whole they can drink a few, why can't I thing. It sucks, and it's not fair, but that's kind of how it goes. Some people can eat whatever they want and never gain weight or get diabetes, some people can't. I guess it's the same thing.

mrsfray

Telling us that you want to drink (or for me use) is honest and it is what we think...keep staying honest. Keep posting and take all of the suggestions! Movies, food, kickin back..... relax!

Joiner

Hi
I am where you are. I think those same thoughts over and over during the day. I love the buzz of 3-4-5-6 beers to help me relax. But that is not how I work. I start out telling myself that and before you know it I'm drunk and doing things I normally wouldn't. Not every time. But enough times!
It is normal to crave a drink. I am on day 12. We can do this! Try not be around alcohol or situations where there will be alcohol. Trust me, that's not easy. But you can do it!
I feel like I have lost my best friend Bud(light). It's kinda like the bad relationship that you know is not good for you. But you go back several times before you end it. But we are your friend and want only good things for you!
Keep up the good work! We're SO proud of you!!!!!!!!!!

Chloe03

6yearsold: Girl....I feel your pain! Days 5 and 6 were absolutely the worst for me! I was irritable, irrational, crazy and maybe a bit deranged. I slept most of those two days just to escape the constant cravings. And when I wasn't sleeping I was eating a ton of leftover Halloween candy and chugging water.

I wanted to give up sooooo badly but the intense cravings scared me to death! I could no longer deny the fact that I had a physical dependency on alcohol.

Please don't give up on yourself! Fight the urge...go to a meeting...hang out here chatting. Whatever it takes to get through the night sober. You're not alone...we're all here pulling for you!

Zencat

I see myself in your post. I too wanted to unwind with a few brews. Yet it was the uncontrollable nature of my addiction that wouldn't allow me to have just a couple of beers. Maybe its not the same for you. But is sounds like it could be. I suggest reading up about addiction Here's a good link here a SR that has good informative info to the exact understanding of what addiction is.

bonniep

6,
those thoughts keep running through my mind too - "is now the time?" "really? i can't just have a couple? or get drunk and be okay with it? all my other friends are...."
and it's ******* rough. i've thought about drinking everyday. i've been talking to a friend who has been in aa / sober for several years now. i asked him these questions. he said "the more you want it, the more it confirms you are an alcoholic and it is time to quit."
i've been eating sugar like crazy. i just texted my roomie to go pick me up some reeses.
unwinding is fine and all. but if it was REALLY just to unwind, sleep or conversation with friends or movies or petting animals or breathing would be relaxing. drinking isn't relaxing.. it's a check out. something brought you here. something happened or something within you said "i can't live like this anymore." hold on to that. and continue to be honest and loving, like you have been on this forum. you are only getting closer in touch with yourself.
i hope your day five of sobriety is epic.
in solidarity!

YouAreNumberOne

6yearsold

You've done really well! You've posted and read lots and have truly come a long way. Well done - this is an achievement. Your achievement.

For those Eckhart Tolle fans, Eckhart says (and I now really understand) that we are not the content of our minds. Thinking, thinking, thinking - too much thinking! It's powerful and doesn't like to lose control. This means you are winning.

Give yourself a pat on the back and may the strength be with you.

Rosco.
Life=Fun; Alcohol=Devastation.

julez

Been there, felt that, relapsed, and I was NEVER happy i did.
Its not the real you that is speaking in your brain. Its the alcoholic voice, playing games. Don't listen.
If you do, then like was said above, AA and SR will be here for you. It seems like there are plenty of people who care about you on here, and we all want you to stay sober.
Keep hanging on 6...

MsCooterBrown

Six...come back. I miss you man! You could either IM or post..No matter what you are not a failure. I think it is really common to think you can have a beer or 4. For me it was a beer or 8 followed by shots of whiskey. Relapse could be a form of finally making it in sobriety. It is an experiment that many of us have taken on. I tried it..it kicked my @ss. But no matter what..I want to know how you are doin chickadee!! Lots of us wanna know how you are doin...