Babyblue

Maybe It is unrealistic of me or my 'normie' brain seeing things through my 'normie' eyeballs but here is where I am at and some feedback from those who have been there would really help me.

My RABF is in treatment/rehab. Great. It is where he needs to be. It is a long term rehab meaning months and months. We have kept in touch, he has reached out to me by calling which is nice.

Here is where I have an issue: I love to write letters. I write him, he loves them. But he hasn't written me back! And I'm starting to intepret it as 'he doesn't care enough' but I know he does. So why the heck is it so hard for him to write a single page, heck a paragraph.. at this point a sentence.. and mail it to me? He has stamps.

Is it just too emotionally draining to think about life on the 'outside'? Do they discourage talking to GF's? I don't want to build up some type of resentment and I am trying to not have expectations as he goes through this but something so small would really mean something to me and it is getting so that I don't want to write to him which I know will make him sad to not hear from me. I don't want to end things, it is more of a pet peeve reaction.

My thought is "Can't you send a %@#$!! letter?"

ugh. Thanks for reading this btw.

Dee74

I've never been in rehab babyblue - but I hear this complaint a bit here.

I don't really know - maybe it's just a bit overwhelming for your partner right now? maybe he doesn't like writing letters?

You say he's still calling and he looks forward to yr letters? Those are good things

I would try and not let this worry you too much
D

bellakeller

You say "I love to write letters." Maybe he doesn't prefer that kind of communication. My Dh writes (and writes and writes) and I just don't care to write as much as he does. I prefer to talk to people face to face even if it means waiting.

Also, when I was in rehab, I worked my ASS off. This means that I spent every waking moment working on my recovery while I was there so I could get it right and so that I'd never have to see the walls of a rehab again (unless it was to help someone else). I was so focused that it was hard for me to write back to the people who cared enough to write me while I was in the clink. I wanted so badly to take this one chance I had and get everything I could from that rehab so I could come back out a sober person with a solid gameplan for the benefit of my family.

So maybe, if he's like I was, your RABF is working on this like his life depends upon it so that when he gets out he can be with you as the sober person you deserve to have as your partner.

I dunno. I hope that helps.

Ainslie

Years ago I was with an alcoholic/addict who went to a detox centre/rehab, although it was only a 7 day program (I think - less than 3 weeks anyhow - my memory is shocking)

He was allowed one five minute phone call a day - although communication with those that jeopardised his recovery was not encouraged. I was one of 'those' people because I was active in my alcoholism, and also codependent. He didnt have the courage to break up with me, got out of rehab, relapsed with weed within two weeks and alcohol within six. Im not sure if he was allowed to write letters.

Im not sure if this is helpful, but it is my experience of an addict boyfriend in detox/rehab.

yeahgr8

Hope you're getting the help you need whilst he is in rehab, al-anon, counselling or such like...JMO but sounds really co-dependent stuff to me...there is a great Family and Friends section here...

'Normies' made me laugh, i used to use that in very early sobriety until my sponsor told me off:-)

Zencat

I know when I was in rehab the whole experience was overwhelming. I was detoxing, thinking about everything under the sun and wondering about every little detail of my future. On top of that the counselors there had me doing recovery assignments the minuet I walked in the door. Then the day was so structured with things to do (meetings, groups, counseling sessions, chores, meals, etc.) that there was barely any time to take it all in. Yet there was some free time however limited it was, so I could have written brief a letter.

Other that clearly expressing to him how this small act of writing a letter to you, a paragraph as you said, would be a very meaningful expression of his love for you...I don't know what else to add.

laurie6781

I too hope you are working on you while he is in rehab, please ask this also in our friends and family forums, you will find that many of us have had to deal with this and similiar issues with our As.

I do know that those in early recovery whether in a rehab or just working with a sponsor do an awful lot of journaling, and to be honest, at the end of the day in my early recovery there was no way I was going to write any letters, no way Jose, lol I was 'writ' out.

Also, please remember, and be grateful that he is contacting you, as early recovery, if one really wants it, requires an awful lot of concentration on just learning new ways to do EVERYTHING, and focus on one's self and our own shortcomings.

See you in Friends and Family!

Love and hugs,

Opivotal

I'm sure your letters mean a lot to your RABF. I have to agree with everyone above. It could be a number of things. He is going through a trying time. All energies focused on getting help, figuring out his life etc. Some people are just not writers. Maybe get him a package of cards and tell him , if nothing else , sign one a day! Just to let you know he's thinking of you. Which I'm sure he is. Hang tough Babyblue and maybe get some support yourself.

Best Wishes To You!

littlefish

He may not be a letter-writing type of person. I just sent off about 25 Christmas cards and I will recieve a fraction of that, maybe 2 or 3 in return.
I am recovering alcoholic and I have to be mindful of resentment. I could resent all the people for not sending me Christmas cards, but, I can also accept that lots of people just aren't into writing letters or sending cards. I like that acceptance, it is good for me and for my recovery: I know that if people don't write to me or send me cards that does not mean they don't love me.
I know they love me, but for various reasons they don't choose to write or send cards. I understand and accept that.

Babyblue

Thank you for your feedback. Helps me tremendously.

His being away has been hard for me at times but I am doing my best to work through it and not stay in a funk. Cuz he is also my best friend.

I know he is going through so much and his focus is going to be on other things (as it should be) so not to take his lack of letter writing personally. I am thankful he does try his best to stay connected given the situation. Having never been myself, I honestly don't know what it is like.

I do get some support but don't know anyone personally who has gone through the recovery process either as a loved one or the person in recovery. I am making it up as I go along Besides, I just love to write letters and have done so since I was a kid (had a slew of penpals!) so I have to remember that not everyone is like that.