Tired of the sneaking

Old 12-04-2010, 11:17 AM
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Unhappy Tired of the sneaking

Well, today is actually the first time I'm going to tell others what I've been doing. I'm am finally realizing how out of control my drinking is and it is just insane that I'm "finally realizing". My choice of alcohol is wine. I love red wine, but drink white mostly because it doesn't stain my teeth. I buy the little four pack bottles because I can hide them more easily. I take them out of town on business trips. Hide them in bags in the bathroom so my fiance won't find them and so they are easily accesible for those "long showers". I drink about a bottle to a bottle in a half of wine a night and still manage to make it to work every morning. Although most mornings I'm hungover and extremly tired because I stayed up later than usual eating junk food. At first it was a little exciting for me for some reason, but now I'm mad at myself. My fiance moved out, I've been put on anti depressants, and I can't stop drinking. Fiance didn't move out because of my drinking because I was hiding the extra consumption so well, but I didn't stop him because I knew it would give me more freedom to drink when I wanted. I do love him but those damn wine bottles have more control over me. All I want to do is sit at home watch tv and drink my wine at night. This is no way to live. My family has no idea about any of this and going to rehab is not an option due to funds. Has anyone out there been able to overcome without rehab? Sorry for the long post and any suggestions or recomendations would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!
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Old 12-04-2010, 11:27 AM
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I can relate to your story. When we drink alcoholically, NOTHING is more important than our drink. Family, friends, etc. I have been sober over a year now after drinking about 15 shots of vodka per night, plus a couple beers. By wife thought I just had a couple beers every night. But she didn't know I was sneaking vodka in there too. I finally broke down, and told my wife and parents. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired.

I did not go to re-hab, but I did have a full analysis by a trained professional and I told her I would follow her recommendation because I was willing to do ANYTHING to get my life back. She told me to try AA and see what I thought. Well, I have been going to AA for over a year and haven't had a drink since my first meeting.

I know you will find great support here. Keep reading and learning. We really truly can and do recover. Glad you are here.
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Old 12-04-2010, 12:43 PM
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I would like to try AA, but I'm currently in counseling for social anxiety and the thought of speaking in front of people would probably drive me to drink before even going. Have you read any books that has helped? Sometimes I think it's the shame I feel for stuff I've done while drunk that has caused my social anxiety. Who knows... I'm a mess. Thank you for your response. I am at day 1 so I have a long road ahead of me, but this site has already been so helpful.
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Old 12-04-2010, 12:51 PM
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Welcome SuzyQ979

I remember when I decided to stop drinking it was like a huge weight off my shoulders. I expended a lot of effort either getting drunk being drunk or staying drunk. My world shrunk to one room and the TV, so I identify with that part of your story too.

I did not go to rehab either, so it's certainly possible to recover other ways. Some here, like me, use SR, others use face to face support like AA or some other recovery group as well. I'm not in AA but I'm sure it's not like it is in the movies - noone *has* stand up to give a speech

it's often a good idea to visit your dr as well, if you've been drinking heavily, or regualrly for a long time. Detox can sometimes be rough for some of us.

I encourage you to look around, read post, work out what might for you.
You'll find a lot of support here

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Old 12-04-2010, 02:28 PM
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Hey Suzy, been great chatting with u! You are taking the right steps! Keep it up!
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Old 12-04-2010, 02:35 PM
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Hi too suffer from my nerves, and find talking out and voicing my opinion extremely difficult, I was encouraged to try AA and got a wonderfull welcome. although it took me a bit of time, I found people i could phone or text that i felt comfortable with, this encouraged me to share my experiences with the group, I now feel a member and miss my meetings if like lately I have been unable to attend (snowed in). I love the live show, the face to face.
I would try a few meetings, you may be surprised.

Well done for joining SR it is also a great place.

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Old 12-04-2010, 03:26 PM
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I would suggest you try AA, it can help with your drinking and may also help with your social anxiety. You don't have to talk if you don't want to. But eventually you should, and it will be great practice to overcome your anxiety about talking in front of groups. You get to decide what you are going to say and how long you will talk. Start small, just say just a couple of sentences, go for 20 seconds. People in AA will be very supportive.
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Old 12-04-2010, 03:38 PM
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I too got sick of the lying and sneaking and hiding. I went to rehab three times; for five, then twelve, then five days. I drank each time after I got out. It wasn't until I was desperate - last year after my last relapse - that I was able to stay sober. But I have stayed sober and feel better than I have in years.

I went to AA in early recovery but now only go to my home group meeting. I still use the recovery tools I learned from AA. I also go weekly to a great counselor and that helps a lot too. Last but not least, this wonderful site. Always open, there's someone here all the time.

Whatever you do to stay sober, work it with all your heart cause your life depends on it.
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Old 12-04-2010, 07:12 PM
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Welcome SuzyQ - It's hard to admit we have a problem, but just know that alcoholism affects a lot of people, regardless of how capable we are otherwise. Feel good that you have the courage to want to change things for yourself.

It's very tiring (and full of anxiety) living the life of an alcoholic, isn't it? All the hiding, acquiring, discarding the empties, chewing breath mints, avoiding phone calls, making and breaking promises, worrying about our health, etc. etc..... and just wanting to be alone with no one to "bother" us while we drink. You're right: it's no way to live.

I found that my anxiety got 100% better after I got sober. Hang in there and take it a day at a time - you can do it!:ghug3
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Old 12-04-2010, 07:48 PM
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Suzy - give yourself a pat on the back for acknowledging your problem with alcohol. I have a fatal disease called alcoholism, as do many members of my family. The only way I can live a normal life and have a normal life span is not to drink. I have almost 60 days of sobriety and feel wonderful. SR is my bedtime story.
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Old 12-05-2010, 05:34 AM
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Hi Suzyq

So good talking to you yesterday. I hope you had a good night. I will catch you on chat today.

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Old 12-05-2010, 09:33 AM
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Hi Suzy - welcome.

As an alcoholic, I always thought that I drank because I was unhappy.

I now realize that it was the other way around, I was unhappy because I drank.

Keep posting and reading. I found that I needed a program of recovery - which for me is AA + SR + working with other alcoholics.
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Old 12-05-2010, 02:48 PM
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And happy holidays!
I can sure relate to the hidy stuff: I was a pro. As an AA-er, I would mention that you aren't forced to speak at meetings. It is voluntary.
I also promote any and all other kinds of programs: there are non-faith based programs like smart.
I would suggest taking some simple steps to establish your own kind of program: therapy, addiction treatment, AA or smart, or whatever. I found that I needed structure, dialog and support so I used an outpatient addiction treatment program and then AA, which is quite a comprehensive program in itself.
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Old 12-06-2010, 06:12 AM
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Welcome, happy to hear you were capable of seeing the forest through the trees on your own - we don't typically accomplish that "admission" part alone. Denial, you know, but you apear wise and introspective - this will benefit you in this process!! The lying, hiding and double life kept me in a cyclic battle with my alcohol problem. Going to work (in the field of recovery) and walking out the door becoming a perfect stranger until I returned to work. We're not wired to behave that way - we have a concscience and the lies and pain of it all will destroy us if we don't get help.

Something I leanred through AA was that the thing that troubles us gravely just may be the thing we need to tackle. I write often, that the only way through.........and we tend to put off walking "through" the difficulties, rather, we walk "around" them. Consequently, we remain in a stagnate cyclic and spiraling road toward self-destruction , well and destruction of whatever, whoever, is in our path. I "get" that you don't fair well in social settings, talking in front of a group and all. But if I could get you to believe me on one account, it would be this. Nearly EVERY alcoholic who enters an AA door shares your sentiment. Moreover, you may sit silently for weeks and listen, in fact, many old timer AA'ers encourage this. I have learned more about my disease in the AA rooms than any college course I have taken. It is a rich wealth of information, and one other huge point to make - we , especially us women, feel shame, huge remorseful shame, and combined with that, we feel alone, as though NO ONE could "get" us. Thing is, while you and I are likely very different, WE ARE THE VERY SAME. this is very healing when we're in our first months of recovery,. Look, my husband has his sink in the bathroom, I have mine. What is under mine is mine, what is under his is his. Voila', the PERFECT "storage" space for my bottles; everyone has to use the bathroom right? So, slip in, couple of shots, ahhhhh, that comforting release!! For what, though? a fleeting moment. Then it is a night of chasing that very feeling, for which we cannot becasue it is impossible. Ohhhhhhh, the efforts we place on sabotaging our very beings.

I am a huge reader and have just finished "Drinking, A Love Story" by Caroline Knapp - a classic already amongst the good reads on women and drinking. You'll read some of the things she confesses to and go, "no way, I thought I was the only one in the entire earth who did that." So, therein lies the comfort,

AA does not have to be your be all ; end all for recovery, but for today, and with an open mind, it really is the place to start., Sweetie, we can't do this alone; if you have heard anything - please believe that; we need the help of others who have walked before us. Its just how it works.
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