Ainslie

I dont even know what Day im on now - in terms of abstinence from weed that is. 18 maybe.

I wish I didnt feel the need for parental support and approval. I miss the days where my parents would offer me a whole lot of unsolicited advice. Yet I know if they were to still be doing that - id be all defensive and telling them how life has changed since the 50s and 60s and really I know better. LOL what a crock, I wouldnt have a clue about life back then, or now.

Now that my dad trusts that im 'recovered' from alcoholism. I feel like he just does superficial checks on me to make sure im 'okay'....living in a secure building, looking healthy etc. He doesnt bother to ask how I really am, or if he does its in front of wife #3 who is a nice lady but im not comfortable talking about my life/problems or asking for guidance in front of. She has no children of her own and I just cant relate to her. My first stepmum (she died when I was 16) was cool and I was happy with her in my life but when I met wife #3 at 19, I felt that I could get the motherly support I needed from my biological Mum and that wife #3 was merely that, wife #3. He has plenty of money so its no hassle for him to fly up to see me for a weekend, or if he asked me to come down to see him id happily pay for my own tickets.

I go to my mum for help with some issues, but dad is my rolemodel, and it hurts so badly that he is moving back to our home country to be closer to wife #3s family, going there for xmas this year without asking if id like to join them, and has visited them more times in the last 3 years than I have seen him since he married her almost 10 years ago.

I am trying to decide whether it is just best to cut him off altogether. He does so little to show he cares - I wasnt even invited to his weddings.

Any help/guidance would be so much appreciated. I cant remember the last time I cried this much. Im supposed to be seeing a psychologist about my recovery from addiction this morning and that is the last thing on my mind, all I can think of is that my family dont really care. FTR, I dont have brothers or sisters to talk to about this.

Dee74

I'm not the one to ask really Ainslie.

I spent years wishing my parents were different. They probably think the same about me...but the point is they're never going to give me the kind of relationship I want and, more to the point, in my case they're toxic with it....not deliberately I don;t think - they just do not get me on any level.

I spent nearly 30 years as the human pretzel tying myself in knots trying to please them.

No more.

I know I'm a good guy and I know I've done more than I should have to try and make this work, but it's difficult when the other side doesn't even think there's a problem.

I still call them - we still see each other a few times a year - but I relaise now I love my parents but I don't always like them, and that's ok.

I detached, and moved away - and I'm better for it.

Not sure any of this helps you to be honest LOL but - maybe wait til you get home - see if the distance helps clarify things - then do what you know is right for you.
D

Ainslie

hmm maybe this is more a mental health forum topic? ill repost over there. given dads an alcoholic, maybe its more appropriate in the f&f? I dont know. Off to the psych now, ill fix it up when I get back.

Dee74

I think it's as good here as anywhere else Ainslie.

D

least

I hope you can come to a peaceful resolution to your 'family problems'. I have no experience to share but thought that Dee was right on in his reply. You must do what's comfortable for you. And if the relationship between you and your dad is hurtful for you, maybe put some distance between you, at least for a while.

Anna

You know Ainslie, my family sucks too. They are not the family that I want, that's for sure. But, like many people here, I have 'made' a family of my own. I have a couple of people close to me who I consider family, plus I am blessed to have my husband's family, who are amazing people.

My advice would be to stop wishing for things to change in your family situation. I say that, because I spent so many years wishing and hoping for things to change, and getting more and more depressed. Look to your friends to be family for you. And, don't forget, we are all family here at SR.

LaFemme

Hi Ainslie...I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. I can kind of relate...my family hurts me inadvertently all the time. Last Christmas was hell...I spent half Christmas day curled up in bed crying and drinking out of the wine I had stashed in my closet.

Part of my sobriety has involved working with a life coach...we don't talk about my alcohol abuse (she isn't trained in that) and it differs from CBT because we don't really examine the past that much...instead we work on tools to move forward and deal with life.

I was recently home for Thanksgiving and I actually enjoyed my family a little for the first time in years. I realized that the casual slights that always hurt me so much were not about me but about their own journey in life. I know this is in the spiritual realm but if we believe that life is about learning and we are both students And teachers...then maybe we can see these painful experiences as learning opportunities.

Looking at my family relations through this lens has helped me to not get as hurt by them and also to maybe start to learn some important life lessons.

Hugs,

LaFemme

Ainslie

Thanks for all your responses, I have sent him an email explaining how I feel in terms of importance. I'm not trying to change him, I just want him to understand that he has hurt me pretty badly. It sucks to feel like your parent isnt genuinely interested in you as a person.

And im never having children. When I get some land ill build my own zoo instead.