Sober After Cheating... The End and Beginning of it All
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Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 521
Sober After Cheating... The End and Beginning of it All
About three months ago my husband started working nights. I knew I had a drinking problem but, I had ignored it in hopes that it would go away... or that I could drink enough to make the voice in the back of my head just alittle more soft. So, after he started working nights I thought "great! I can drink whenever and whatever I want... and he will never know..." And, for a couple of weeks it went on that way. I would drink at home alone passout and have a horrible hangover and terrible feelings the next day before, guilty, remorse, self loathing -- yall know the story.
I had been in therapy for awhile and was trying to deal with my drinking with that as my only outlet. That really didn't work out so well... not because I didn't have a good counselor... but, because I was stubborn and wanted to drink. So, I did.
Then one night me and a co-worker went out for drinks and dinner. And, please note that we had done this dozens of times before. There was never any kind of flirting or interest of any kind.
Well this night was different... the drinking was very heavy... worse came to worse and we ended up having (thankfully) safe sex. I made the decision the next day to quit drinking. Not for my husband but because I really saw the true nature of my beast the night before when I had been drinking. Just the length I was willing to go to in that state. I just didn't want to be that person anymore. I didn't want to hurt myself or others I loved.
Since then it has been battle and I have relapsed a couple of times. I finally strung together 30 days sober a few days ago. And, until that time I hadn't told my husband about the affair. I felt if I did it would be out of guilt/remorse and I didn't think that was the right reason to tell him.
But, I finally did tell him. And, it hurt him. To the core. And, I am sad... so sad... and it hurts me deeply to know the effect I have had on the one person in the world who loves me the most deeply. Not that our relationship is trouble free. There is a reason I cheated. Of which we are going to therapy tonight to talk about.
My husband didn't walk out. He loves me still. He is willing to work on it. I could have never told him. I could have gone on with my life just the way it was... and forgot about the insistence. But, I want to live an honest life... a better life... and I hope through prayer and guidance that our relationship will heal and we will have many many years of a happy and loving marriage.
I know I could not have done that with that secret in my heart... always making me want to drink. Always making me think there was a reason that my marriage my fail apart at anytime. Not because he didn't know... but, what if he found out from anyone but me. Or what if he never found out... how black a spot on my soul could I stand before I turned to drinking as a release from it again?
Just another part of my story. I am not perfect. I am the most imperfect being that I know. But, I am trying everyday to do the right thing... and today I am trying to do it with a husband that knows the full extent of his wife... and he loves me regardless. I am a truly blessed woman.
Saliena
I had been in therapy for awhile and was trying to deal with my drinking with that as my only outlet. That really didn't work out so well... not because I didn't have a good counselor... but, because I was stubborn and wanted to drink. So, I did.
Then one night me and a co-worker went out for drinks and dinner. And, please note that we had done this dozens of times before. There was never any kind of flirting or interest of any kind.
Well this night was different... the drinking was very heavy... worse came to worse and we ended up having (thankfully) safe sex. I made the decision the next day to quit drinking. Not for my husband but because I really saw the true nature of my beast the night before when I had been drinking. Just the length I was willing to go to in that state. I just didn't want to be that person anymore. I didn't want to hurt myself or others I loved.
Since then it has been battle and I have relapsed a couple of times. I finally strung together 30 days sober a few days ago. And, until that time I hadn't told my husband about the affair. I felt if I did it would be out of guilt/remorse and I didn't think that was the right reason to tell him.
But, I finally did tell him. And, it hurt him. To the core. And, I am sad... so sad... and it hurts me deeply to know the effect I have had on the one person in the world who loves me the most deeply. Not that our relationship is trouble free. There is a reason I cheated. Of which we are going to therapy tonight to talk about.
My husband didn't walk out. He loves me still. He is willing to work on it. I could have never told him. I could have gone on with my life just the way it was... and forgot about the insistence. But, I want to live an honest life... a better life... and I hope through prayer and guidance that our relationship will heal and we will have many many years of a happy and loving marriage.
I know I could not have done that with that secret in my heart... always making me want to drink. Always making me think there was a reason that my marriage my fail apart at anytime. Not because he didn't know... but, what if he found out from anyone but me. Or what if he never found out... how black a spot on my soul could I stand before I turned to drinking as a release from it again?
Just another part of my story. I am not perfect. I am the most imperfect being that I know. But, I am trying everyday to do the right thing... and today I am trying to do it with a husband that knows the full extent of his wife... and he loves me regardless. I am a truly blessed woman.
Saliena
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
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That's some real growth there Saliena - regardless of what happened in the past, you should feel proud that, even tho it was hard, you've done the right thing now - and it was your choice to do it.
Best wishes.
D
Best wishes.
D
Last edited by Dee74; 12-03-2010 at 01:19 PM.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: CA desert
Posts: 1,599
Saliena,
I certainly don't think you're the most imperfect being that you know, in fact your post speaks volumes to the contrary. It's always hard admitting our mistakes, but it seems mistakes of the heart weigh a great deal more than our everyday, run-of-the-mill mistakes. It takes great courage to bear our souls and admit our transgressions, but it truly heals the soul and helps us grow beyond the person we were when we did those things. It also takes enormous courage to speak openly about it here and open ourselves up to the world so to speak, that shows great character in spite of our imperfections.
I know that I for one am perfect everyday............while I'm asleep, lol. It's the waking hours that I screw up big time, lol.
Glad you had a nice vacation in Mex, and that you're still here. Congrats on the 30 days, albeit belated.
I certainly don't think you're the most imperfect being that you know, in fact your post speaks volumes to the contrary. It's always hard admitting our mistakes, but it seems mistakes of the heart weigh a great deal more than our everyday, run-of-the-mill mistakes. It takes great courage to bear our souls and admit our transgressions, but it truly heals the soul and helps us grow beyond the person we were when we did those things. It also takes enormous courage to speak openly about it here and open ourselves up to the world so to speak, that shows great character in spite of our imperfections.
I know that I for one am perfect everyday............while I'm asleep, lol. It's the waking hours that I screw up big time, lol.
Glad you had a nice vacation in Mex, and that you're still here. Congrats on the 30 days, albeit belated.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 521
Thank you everyone for your replies and support. I posted my story here because it is one of the ways I am working on my soberity. I love the support and encouragement I get from this site. Who knows maybe my story can help someone else. Maybe it can not... but, it is helpful to me know that atleast it is out there and another human being knows about it.
Have a great weekend!
Saliena
Have a great weekend!
Saliena
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