Sobriety breeds isolation...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: PA and Florida
Posts: 4,179
Sobriety breeds isolation...
Good Morning SR World...
I received a call last night that i let transfer to v-mail. The message from a long time buddy was that they were cooking dinner, shooting pool and watching sports while sipping on the homemade lemmoncello we had brewed, bottled and private labled together in the fall to give as holiday gifts. I was in charge of creating and printing the labels, which drew praise at the time. All worried about me all alone. Come on over...you don't need to drink...we just want your company was the message, with echoes from the others in the background.
Fact is that these three are old and dear friends. They aren't bar room acquaintances. Successful, hard working dudes that every couple weeks do an evening together and take an edge off. Probably broke things off by 11pm to be somewhat ready for work today. Along with drunkin times (me the biggest lush by far), we have spent many quality sober times together. They all support my decision to get clean and sober. Two of the three are in the group of folks that i text a couple times a week just stating my total days sober at the time. They were around when i was sober for 11 years and never ounce pressured me to drink.
Yet, here at home, all alone I stayed last night. Happy for that, and to be clean and sober. My only connection to the world via the internet. As I reflect this morning...I think that kinda sucks.
Okay, so here is my plan. I will meet one of the three at the gym this morning to catch up. A second, a restaurant owner, I will eat dinner there this weekend. The third I will make up a reason to call soon.
I can't just replace friends I've had for decades because I was the drunk. I just need to control the settings that we associate in...at least for now.
Please let me know what you think?
Thanks for reading.
Carlos
I received a call last night that i let transfer to v-mail. The message from a long time buddy was that they were cooking dinner, shooting pool and watching sports while sipping on the homemade lemmoncello we had brewed, bottled and private labled together in the fall to give as holiday gifts. I was in charge of creating and printing the labels, which drew praise at the time. All worried about me all alone. Come on over...you don't need to drink...we just want your company was the message, with echoes from the others in the background.
Fact is that these three are old and dear friends. They aren't bar room acquaintances. Successful, hard working dudes that every couple weeks do an evening together and take an edge off. Probably broke things off by 11pm to be somewhat ready for work today. Along with drunkin times (me the biggest lush by far), we have spent many quality sober times together. They all support my decision to get clean and sober. Two of the three are in the group of folks that i text a couple times a week just stating my total days sober at the time. They were around when i was sober for 11 years and never ounce pressured me to drink.
Yet, here at home, all alone I stayed last night. Happy for that, and to be clean and sober. My only connection to the world via the internet. As I reflect this morning...I think that kinda sucks.
Okay, so here is my plan. I will meet one of the three at the gym this morning to catch up. A second, a restaurant owner, I will eat dinner there this weekend. The third I will make up a reason to call soon.
I can't just replace friends I've had for decades because I was the drunk. I just need to control the settings that we associate in...at least for now.
Please let me know what you think?
Thanks for reading.
Carlos
Dismember
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: The Mitten, USA
Posts: 1,641
I think you've got a really excellent plan in mind.
I have heard a lot of conflicting statements. I remember early on at some of the AA meetings I went to a lot of people told me I needed to get rid of everyone in my life who drank or else. But I never have seen the sense or logic in that, and I find that sort of "get rid of everyone" statement to be rather manipulative.
I am still in contact with just about every friend I ever drank socially with. They were good friendships based on much more meaningful things than that we went to the bars together. And like 95% of them know that I'm sober now. We meet for coffee or rent movies, and no one complains about a lack of alcohol.
I also couldn't just toss long-term friendships or stay isolated. For me personally neither of those would do my sobriety the least bit of good. For me drinking, my history of it, is not something that I need to erase and wipe away, but something to comes to terms with.
I have heard a lot of conflicting statements. I remember early on at some of the AA meetings I went to a lot of people told me I needed to get rid of everyone in my life who drank or else. But I never have seen the sense or logic in that, and I find that sort of "get rid of everyone" statement to be rather manipulative.
I am still in contact with just about every friend I ever drank socially with. They were good friendships based on much more meaningful things than that we went to the bars together. And like 95% of them know that I'm sober now. We meet for coffee or rent movies, and no one complains about a lack of alcohol.
I also couldn't just toss long-term friendships or stay isolated. For me personally neither of those would do my sobriety the least bit of good. For me drinking, my history of it, is not something that I need to erase and wipe away, but something to comes to terms with.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,378
There's no law that says you have to hole up indoors and never be sociable again. That's not what I got sober for.
I did stay away for social occasions for a few months tho - I needed to be sure I wanted to be sober first. I needed to know I could trust myself.
You'll know that or not, and you know Carlos, as we all do, who are the good guys and who aren't - keep your focus, but have a good time
D
I did stay away for social occasions for a few months tho - I needed to be sure I wanted to be sober first. I needed to know I could trust myself.
You'll know that or not, and you know Carlos, as we all do, who are the good guys and who aren't - keep your focus, but have a good time
D
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Originally Posted by IWLSAST 
I can't just replace friends I've had for decades because I was the drunk. I just need to control the settings that we associate in...at least for now.
My friends that I have had for years drink, but do so normally. Yeah, I pulled back from social gatherings for a while, and yeah, it felt lonely. There are still one or two events I pass on, but I no longer feel lonely today.
Just part of the journey, huh?
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,759
I'm disabled and semi retired so spend a lot of time at home by myself, always have been a 'loner' of sorts, tho not antisocial, just content with being alone. I'd say do the socializing you're comfortable with. If you feel tempted to drink, excuse yourself early and go home or to a safer place.
Spending time happily alone is ok, isolating yourself too severely is not so 'ok'.
Spending time happily alone is ok, isolating yourself too severely is not so 'ok'.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 73
Carlos, Empathy coming at ya! I applaud you for recognizing your isolation tendencies. I allowed some very meaningful friendships die in my (similar to yours) drinking history. But from the pristine view I have today I can see where I sabotaged those relationships under the guise of "taking care of myself", "refraining from socieal events where there was drinking".......all BS, truth? I longed for isolation. Ha, I did not even know whether phones went to vm or not because I turned the phones OFF. Home alone, miserable, and dejected by only playing CD's that harbored sad memories. But, alas, I could drink. I could drink right out in the open and aside from the disapproving glace from my dog, no one could tell me not to, Isolation, a drunk's best friend for "real drinking"
My point, obviously, is that what we need desperately in recovery, namely early recovery, is FACE-TO-FACE interaction - being around warm breathing bodies. Complacency finds me with enormous ease as I rather enjoy the surroundings of my home, and frankly, people annoy me, , easily. So, three + weeks sober , this time, I, like yourself, HAVE to press on with diligence and AWARENESS so that the resting (he's not sleeping yet) beast does not trick me by suggesting that I should "sit this one out". So, cheers to you my friend for analyzing your choice last evening and putting a plan into ACTION!! Hey, we're gonna get it this time,you hear!!
~d
My point, obviously, is that what we need desperately in recovery, namely early recovery, is FACE-TO-FACE interaction - being around warm breathing bodies. Complacency finds me with enormous ease as I rather enjoy the surroundings of my home, and frankly, people annoy me, , easily. So, three + weeks sober , this time, I, like yourself, HAVE to press on with diligence and AWARENESS so that the resting (he's not sleeping yet) beast does not trick me by suggesting that I should "sit this one out". So, cheers to you my friend for analyzing your choice last evening and putting a plan into ACTION!! Hey, we're gonna get it this time,you hear!!
~d
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: New England
Posts: 5,285
Hi Carlos! I isolated when I drank so for me one of the joys of sobriety is that I do things with my friends again. None of my friends are big drinkers so that helps and maybe explains why I isolated in order to drink...lol. my problem lies in work functions which are boozy and almost impossible to get out of...the first few I went to I really prepped mentally for...and found them tedious in the extreme...drunk people are annoying when you are sober!
I think you've got a good action plan going forward....don't isolate yourself if it makes you feel bad...which it sounds like it does:-)
I think you've got a good action plan going forward....don't isolate yourself if it makes you feel bad...which it sounds like it does:-)
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Toronto, ON
Posts: 1,591
"I can't just replace friends I've had for decades because I was the drunk. I just need to control the settings that we associate in...at least for now"
I think that sounds about right, like the right attitude. If they were the kind of friends that like to poke and question and compete and gossip and judge, like we hear about here sometimes, then it would be a different context.
It's often said that we have to learn which people/places/things to avoid, and you probably have memories of this from when you started the 11 years.
I'm not the typical sort of person in the sense that I don't think people need to be alarmed by my solitary tendencies. (Another piece of wisdom says that alcoholics should not isolate.) I take it to heart to the extent that we have to know how to deal with people and life, but I don't otherwise get worried by it.
If you were spending too much time sulking out of embarrassment or some other emotion, then that would be different. If you are making an effort, that sounds good to me.
I think that sounds about right, like the right attitude. If they were the kind of friends that like to poke and question and compete and gossip and judge, like we hear about here sometimes, then it would be a different context.
It's often said that we have to learn which people/places/things to avoid, and you probably have memories of this from when you started the 11 years.
I'm not the typical sort of person in the sense that I don't think people need to be alarmed by my solitary tendencies. (Another piece of wisdom says that alcoholics should not isolate.) I take it to heart to the extent that we have to know how to deal with people and life, but I don't otherwise get worried by it.
If you were spending too much time sulking out of embarrassment or some other emotion, then that would be different. If you are making an effort, that sounds good to me.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
i understand where you are coming from and I think you have a good plan in place. I have friends like that too, they are supportive and never force alcohol...i bring my own beverages/teabags whatever and i never stare longingly at the small bottle of wine on the table....my friends sipped a glass or two....I would guzzle and then could start up an IV. it's MY drinking that is a problem, not theirs.
April 18, 2010
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 1,117
Sounds like you have the right idea, IWLSAST. I particularly like that your plan involves seeing these people one on one. It might be really difficult to be the only non-drinking person in a group . . . but seeing them individually, in non-drinking or minimal drinking environments, will help balance things out.
I'm negotiating the same things you are, as far as old friendships go, so I relate to how difficult this can be.
I'm negotiating the same things you are, as far as old friendships go, so I relate to how difficult this can be.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: PA and Florida
Posts: 4,179
I’ve said this before, and I’m sure that I will say it again and again…finding this site was God sent…even typing those words brought on happy-like tears. Anyway, thank you all so very much for such wonderful feedback.
Many points struck a cord and I want to respond in more detail at a later point. Fact is that I spoke with buddy #1 and we are meeting at the gym for a lunch-time workout.
Just a quick follow-up point though: What I think I really need to work on right now is conquering the sadness from isolation through acceptance and that it’s okay being alone, combined with planning activities…almost as if they were business meetings.
Involvement came quite easily in earlier sober times. The 11 year stint had a wife, 2 growing girls, a full time career, as well as a very active social schedule. I think what aided my sobriety most was the accountability. Then, after years in the bottle I got serious again this spring…the catalyst was a new and budding relationship. Within 111 days of sober time, most everything in my life was much better. I had activity and accountability…but I drank and blew that chance.
This time it’s just me. I have never spent this much sober time alone in my life. Whew, the attitude adjustment this is requiring is just strange, unique, sooo different….just crazy! Isolation is going to be there, I just need to improve its quality.
Wow, I gotta run…felt like I rambled & made no sense…posting anyway…maybe just a bad day!
Carlos
Many points struck a cord and I want to respond in more detail at a later point. Fact is that I spoke with buddy #1 and we are meeting at the gym for a lunch-time workout.
Just a quick follow-up point though: What I think I really need to work on right now is conquering the sadness from isolation through acceptance and that it’s okay being alone, combined with planning activities…almost as if they were business meetings.
Involvement came quite easily in earlier sober times. The 11 year stint had a wife, 2 growing girls, a full time career, as well as a very active social schedule. I think what aided my sobriety most was the accountability. Then, after years in the bottle I got serious again this spring…the catalyst was a new and budding relationship. Within 111 days of sober time, most everything in my life was much better. I had activity and accountability…but I drank and blew that chance.
This time it’s just me. I have never spent this much sober time alone in my life. Whew, the attitude adjustment this is requiring is just strange, unique, sooo different….just crazy! Isolation is going to be there, I just need to improve its quality.
Wow, I gotta run…felt like I rambled & made no sense…posting anyway…maybe just a bad day!
Carlos
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
