CJ2006

I decided to get help 6 days ago, after drinking anywhere from 15 to 20 ounces of diet coke and vodka for 20 years, i had had enough.

Now, i cannot go to a treatment center, job will not allow it, and it is just not feasible. I go to see my doctor every 2 days, just for him to check on me and make sure all is okay. He has me on Xanax 1 mg 3 times a day, and since I had drank so much, i am on a strict 6 ounces of vodka at night, absolutely no more, and I am going down on that gradually.

I am suffering from body aches and pains, I cant eat, I just feel horrible. Is this normal? I am attending AA meetings, and I feel better afterwards. I am committed to this adventure I have started on and I will be successful, but right now, I just feel so horrible, I have no energy at all, it is hard to even get off the couch.

I guess I just needed some reassurance from those who have been here before me. I just dont want to die, and right now I feel like I might!!

CJ2006

Anna

Hi and Welcome,

I'm glad that your dr is taking care of you at this time because detoxing can be dangerous. And, do call on your dr to answer any questions you have.

It's good that you are cutting down your drinking, but in my opinion, as long as you are drinking, you will not begin to recover and get better. Weaning off alcohol is really, really difficult for addicts and in my opinion, it just prolongs the detox process.

CJ2006

The reason for the weaning is he told me as much as I was having, without weaning, i would be a very, very sick girl. No alcohol is accessible in the house, my husband has it hidden somewhere, probably outside, he told me no way would I find it, and I have no intention of trying. I had even started drinking in the middle of the night, or the first thing in the morning after the kids went to school because I knew I had 6-8 hours to get back to normal. The Xanax helps the body aches, but the nausea is overwhelming, which may be the anxiety over what I am doing, or the depression, not sure which, but I am determined to make this work this time.

Anna

Depression and anxiety are common in early recovery.

But, as I said, I do believe you will not begin to feel better until you stop drinking. But, I am glad that you are motivated to continue.

And, I do understand how sick one can get while detoxing. Though it was many years ago for me, I will never forget it.

Isaiah

Yes. This is normal for a lot of people. I had the worst anxiety of my life when I made my big stop. I was in a panic for a week straight, felt like I had the flu and thought I was going to die. It's almost a cruel joke that when we decide to quit--to do the best thing for our health and well-being--we often have to go through a lot of temporary anguish.

Emphasis on temporary.

You've been to the doctor, that's the best thing to do if inpatient isn't an option. All the medical community can do is keep track of our vitals and sometimes prescribe medication to lessen things. But there's not much else.

It can be quite sobering. Withdrawal is not caused by alcohol, it is our own body falling apart because it's turned alcohol into a necessary chemical. Shows just how literally we cannot control the addiction.

CJ2006

I went from like I said anywhere from 15 to 20 ounces a day to a very strict, poured by my husband at night, 6 ounces, and then hidden away again. Ever since I started this I feel like all day I cant eat and I just want to throw up AGH!!!!! I have this feeling like I am never going to feel normal again. I already suffer from depression and anxiety before hand, which I am sure the alcohol played a role and I was self medicating myself with it, now to find out that, it is the alcohol that was probably causing the depression and anxiety in the first place, what a mess I have myself in!!!

I start with a therapist and psychiatrist Dec 8, and boy i wish that day would get here.

It is just reassuring to know I am not the only one out there.

Ghost Dog

I'm no professional, but in my personal opinion, weening off alcohol is a bad idea. There are fast-onset, long-acting sedatives that work MUCH better for alcohol withdrawal than a stone-age alcohol taper, such as a short term Valium or Librium regimen. I know any attempt at cutting down my alcohol consumption was ill-fated and would make me feel terrible, prolonging the withdrawals, especially with the craving, severe anxiety and malaise. Valium, however, gave my body a chance to detox safely while keeping the brain sedated to avoid the extremely unpleasant effects, like panic, insomnia, aches/pains, and in my extreme case, hallucinations, paranoia and convulsions.

I can't go against your doctor, but in regards to the alcohol ween... if it's not working out or making you especially suffer, is it possible to get a second opinion, or at least address this issue with him?

Hang in there. It gets better, I promise.

CJ2006

I have an appointment on Dec 8 with an addiction specialist, who will then in turn put me with a psychiatrist. I am only taking my doctor's advice because I am scared. I completely agree with what you are saying, but then the fear of a blasted seizure or even death scares me to death. when I see the specialist Dec 8, and they say, go ahead Cindy, you are free to abstain completely, then by all means, I am done. Honestly, if I wasnt so afraid, I would not even have any tonight.

I have been on this blasted course my entire adult life, I just turned 40 on Saturday, and to me that is just disgusting!! What a waste of 20 years, 20 years of depression, panic attacks I treated with alcohol, NUMEROUS visits to the ER thinking I was dying only to find out it was either a panic attack or anxiety episode, now to find out that alcohol just intensifies that. It may make it better in the beginning, but the rebound effect is hell.

Thanks all, you mean a lot to me.

Dee74

Welcome to SR Cindi

What you're experiencing is normal - it's certainly pretty much my experience

Like Anna said I didn't start feeling better until I stopped drinking so I hope you reach that point soon.

I'm not a Dr, but as a fellow alcoholic, I am surprised by several aspects of your treatment.

if it was me I'd recheck the details with your Dr, and then if you're still not sure, get a second opinion.

D

CJ2006

He just told me today that if i quit cold turkey, I would be a very very sick girl, I think probably because I suffer such an anxiety disorder and depression. He wants me at 6, then 5, then, 4, then 3, then 2, then 1, then done. That is our plan as of right now.

I know to some it sounds crazy, but maybe will have to work for me, I left an AA meeting last night after I pretty much got land blasted, but I do what my doctor tells me to do. But hey, for the first time in 20 years, 6 ounces, no more, for me, that is a huge milestone.

Dee74

I wish you the best - hope you hit that zero as soon as is safe
You'll find a lot of support here - hope to see you around
D

littlefish

I would recommend sitting down with a pencil, a piece of paper and your phone, with the intention to find a program of recovery.
As many here on SR have said: recovery is a journey, not an event. It takes time and work.

Treatment at rehab is always a great choice, but if you cannot there are often outpatient programs available.

You can look into faith based recovery programs like AA, as well as non-faith based programs like smart.

I found that I couldn't do it alone: I used an outpatient program in the beginning with an addictions therapist and then moved into AA.
With AA some of the features of my program include:
morning reading and studying of recovery literature,
meetings,
telephone contact with my sponsor and other AA members
conventions and workshops,
doing service both in AA and in the wider community,
recovery study groups
fellowship activities
retreats
etc, etc.

I put a lot of work into drinking, and I have had to put a lot of work into changing my life into sober living.

ALSO: many many of us alcoholics suffer from secondary ailments ranging from depression to mental issues to gaming addiction, etc, etc.
It is not all that uncommon, and the tool to use there is to work on both of your problems to improve your lifestyle. You CAN improve your life and change. It will involve work and committment.
Best of luck to you as you begin your sober journey!
It's worth it!

CJ2006

Oh and the hard part to be honest, is I love the taste of my drink, it is that desire that I most certainly have to pray hard and work hard on getting rid of. I wish I didnt like the taste of it so much, but in my husband's words, cindy, did you ever know an addict who DIDNT like what they did? Made a world of difference to me.

So, as I start this new journey, I am both scared and excited, I have this older gentleman who I talk to daily, he calls me or I call him, it is encouraging and we encourage each other and he has been sober for 30 years. My mom remembered him from when the family had an employee who is a severe alcoholic, and she was looking for someone to help, so she contacted George. Now, that was a few years ago, she talked to him then, and he really was good to talk to, unfortunately the employee had to be fired, because he cannot beat his addiction. However, how comical the other night my mom calling all the hospitals asking about "George" and then when they gave her phone numbers to call, she was asking the person she called, I am looking for George, the recovering alcoholic, would this be you? Well, we found him HA! And I have talked to him every day since.

CJ2006

And thank you to you all, will keep you posted, it has been so good to get some of this off my chest

LaFemme

Hi Cindy! Feeling yucky during withdrawal is pretty par for the course. I hope you do'nt feel like people are ganging up on you about being weened off the vodka, we are just so surprised that a Doctor would recommend such an action

I hope you get down to 0 ounces as soon as possible, only then will you start feeling better IMO. When I drank I suffered from anxiety and depression too (not to mention stomach issues). The anxiety and depression pretty much stopped immediately when I got through withdrawal...my stomach took a couple of months to right itself.

It seems like you are following he best possible course in weening yourself but I wanted to make a quick suggestion. You say you like the way vodka tastes? Since you have to drink 6 ounces a night, might I suggest that you drink it warm and straight instead of in a mixed drink like normal. This way you get to 'appreciate' the way vodka really tastes when it's not doctored to taste good. In my experience vodka was pretty nasty straight and warm. The reason I suggest this is that it might help you to stop romanticizing the drink. By the time I quit I couldn't stand the stuff and hadn't liked it in a long time. Now the smell of it revolts me. If I'm sitting next to my Mom and she has a glass of wine, I have to move it because it's so foul.

Just something that helped me.

Keep us posted please!

LaFemme

CJ2006

Oh my gosh LaFemme what a tremendous idea! I am going to try that for sure.

Now, all you users out there, the doctor has me weaning because of the fear of DTs and seizures, because those are very serious and can be fatal. I have been in the medical field for 20 years, and I have seen it happen. How did you all get over that fear of that possibly happening to you? I am very curious about that.

Wow, straight and warm, yuck, but worth a try HA! thanks!

Isaiah

I think a 24 hour in-patient monitoring is the only super certain way to be sure. But you've trusted your doctor with your check-ups, with the medications you've been getting, etc. So I would say you're in good hands with what you have, more than with the advice of anyone here.

I myself didn't know anything about withdrawal when I made my major quit. Or rather, what I knew of withdrawal I knew from having heroin addicted friends. I believed stopping would be unpleasant but I didn't know it was dangerous. I was lucky I suppose that my drinking history was short and my withdrawals not very severe.

LaFemme

Bet you wont like the taste tonight:-)

I'm like Isaiah didn't really know how serious withdrawal could be although I knew it would be unpleasant...id been drinking 20 years...the last 5 between 1.5-2 liters of wine a night. Even if I had known I think I don't know what I would have done....living didn't hold a lot of appeal at the time, I didn't really care what happened to me. Now I am profoundly grateful for my life:-)

Demut

CJ, SO happy to read you're in close contact with the medical profession and that you're making it to meetings. For what it is worth, I'm saddened by the ignorance from your work mngmnt. But, then I see what state you're from, head in the sand mentality - makes me furious. Should you need to be admitted to the hospital for open heart surgery, by law, your job would be protected, yes? Yet, you are not permitted to seek treatment for this life threatening disease. You hang in there; its a matter of time; I'm confident you'll slowly feel better, after you're done feeling all of the miserable affects of withdrawal

CJ2006

I had a good night last night, I actually ate. I had my strict ounces, havent started the warm and straight yet, but plan on soon. I have made a pact with my doctor that once I see the addiction specialist, I will get myself on a weaning process that I will stick with.

The Xanax that he has me on, which is of course a withdrawal medication, does help, since i am doing this at home. I know it my not be the conventional way of how many would do it, but this is how I feel I have to do it. It may be my personality, but I also have an attitude of if I am told or forced to do something someone else's way, then it will just make me mad and I will go back to it four fold.

So, that being said, the fact that I am weaning down slowly, and I am sorry, but in my mind going from 15-20 to maybe even more ounces a day every day, my small strict ounces that I have is a milestone in my mind, and I am DARN PROUD that I have accomplished this. This is day six of not having almost a fifth of vodka. Still not much of an appetite, but I am trying. I am forcing myself to go to Wal-Mart, get out and the sun was actually out last night. I suffer from chronic depression, and boy the time change almost did me in. I was hospitalized last January for a SEVERE state of depressino for 2 weeks, hence the reason I am leery and scared to make such a drastic move without weaning myself off. I dont want to go through that mental health scare again, as this mental health disease of depression and anxiety runs rampant in my family. I have many cousins who are ridiculous alcoholics, fortunately, not my immediate family, but cousins, aunts, uncles, and they never admitted they have a problem, and they have not been able to keep a job, and my aunt even died from liver cancer.

Saying that, every day I can feel like I dont need a drink during the day, every day I wake up and just have a cup of coffee and a diet coke not laced with anything, is a day of victory for me. My doctor told me yesterday, dont let anyone make you feel bad for what you are doing, for you are doing it how you have to do it, and it is the most medically safe way of doing this at home. Like I said, my keys are gone, so I cant go anywhere to get anything, and honestly I dont even want to, I have no desire to sneak around. I have a great job that I still can do a great job at and that I truly enjoy, I have a support system that I think most people can only dream of, and right now, I feel like I am on the right track, and feel really good about the changes I am making in my life.

Thank you again for all your support.

cindy