imatryinhard

My name is Aimee. I am an alcoholic. I have been an alcoholic for approximately a decade. At 18 I started visiting a bar 6 nights a week because I was lonely and the first guy to ask me out was a barstool drunk 6 years older than me – I jumped on the opportunity to go out with him because I have no self esteem. Our dates consisted of sitting at the bar 6 nights a week for 2 years. And this is where it began. Little did I realize I was setting myself up for being my own barstool drunk missing out on some very important years 18 to 28. I was the worst kind of drunk… as I call it “demon” drunk. I have been told I am unrecognizable to all who know me, physically, the way my face contorts, the way my voice sounds and obviously my overall nature. In the course of these 10 years I have been stranded on vacations because I have pissed friends off to a degree they have to leave me behind – never to be heard of again. One mini trip I took with all my childhood friends, I managed to eradicate all of my childhood friendships. In a matter of 2 hours of taking shots I lost ALL of them (to this day it baffles my mind). This happened a few more times with newer friends I met as well. As a grown women had to call my folks in the middle of the night to fly to me and bring me home. I destroyed a wedding reception which I was the maid of honor. The shame of this day is still on their wedding video as the videographers were more entertained by the fall down drunk with her dress over her ankles flipping everyone off. I managed to give a speech telling all the wedding guests to F off. Why? I guess I am a severely demented angry person. I have been fired for the same behavior at Christmas parties (yes, I am that person). Lost countless boyfriends. Broken hip, shattered my heel, wrist, caused permanent damage to my body noticeable to the eye. Hospitalized. Lost my dignity for a decade at every function I have ever been to. Been kicked out of a non-profit groups, business professional clubs, blackballed from various restaurants and shops for unruly scenes. Made every loved one in my family cry on multiple occasions. Every grown man I’ve dated cry too – as I am depressing site to witness when plowed. I have been in situations I hope to never recall. I am cruel when drunk and a sweetheart when I am not drunk. I hate myself for this. And I pray I can someday forgive myself. I have lived a selfish life. Self-pitied. Prayed to die so hard I believed it had to come true. Wasted my time on this earth. Have no fond memories to this day of my twenties none. Robbed myself of living. I am tired. I don’t know what gets me by at this point – but something does… maybe faith.

imatryinhard

By the way: I AM SO SO SORRY. TRULY SORRY.

least

What are you so sorry for? Your drinking? Me too. I was a sorry sight as a drinker. But now I'm sober and living a lovely life. YOu can too. Welcome to the family.

Isaiah

Guilt is best taken in small quantities. You might have done a lot of things wrong in the past, but you can't let past mistakes guide you today, tomorrow and the next. What you owe to yourself is a life that's happy and lived well, and that means finding happiness in yourself and being ready to move beyond all that happened.

I have known people whose drinking lead them to commit manslaughter. I don't expect they'll ever make complete peace with their past, but even they have come to realize that you can't make up for the past by living in it. It's all about what you do now that matters.

artsoul

Hi Aimee - You're not the only one to be affected by alcohol this way - it's what addiction does to us. You can turn your life around - you just can't do it by yourself. We all need support and help to beat this.

What have you tried to get sober? Are you a daily drinker? There are lots of place to start (and posting here is a good one!) Keep posting and reading - there's lots of hope here for people like us!!

imatryinhard

Well, now that I have given my introduction - I can work more on recovery. Thank you your kind words. I debated if I should put this out there - but it only feels right to do so since other member have done the same. Thanks again.

Dee74

Most of us know exactly what you mean, I think, Aimee.

It's good to get it all out there - now. as you say, you can move on...and move into recovery and a new life

You're not alone
D

imatryinhard

Hi, I just quit drinking - no real plan. Im going to gym everyday, working, but youre right it's just not working. What do I do when I want to crawl out of skin at social events like yesterday? I do plan on reporting my AA status tomorrow.

imatryinhard

Ha! I am sorry for being me hon. I am hoping to move past this. It's a lot to digest what has transpired over these years. Thank you!

artsoul

Hey - just read your first post (going out of order here!), and I think it's great that you got to 30 days - there's a saying in AA "progress, not perfection...." I figure it was written for us for a reason! So, while there's always more to do and improve on, look at the progress you've made, too, not just the failures.

I pretty much avoided social events at first. I had to go to one after 2 weeks sober and felt like a fish out of water, but when I was with people drinking yesterday (after being 6 mos. sober), it didn't faze me. I was totally amazed. I didn't even want to quit wholeheartedly when I came here.

It's not easy to stay positive, but at least we can try! Give yourself a hug today!

Ghostly

A lot of us have done things we regret while drinking / using. Good to remember the past, but time to move on. I read your Post and thought those are some good reasons to quit. Hang in there. You can do this...it is up to you. Keep us posted.

imatryinhard

I am finally ready to sleep. Going to bed sober -

LawMama

Welcome to SR! Early sobriety involved a lot of guilt too. Try to just do the next right thing and for right now, that is staying sober. Sobriety is amazing over time and you will probably find that a lot of things start to get better when you stay sober. Not sure what you mean by sharing your AA status, but I know for me AA made all the difference in the world. Hopefully you can find some sort of program to help you because a lot of us couldn't have done it alone.

Sweet sober dreams

imatryinhard

Thank you!
But AA status I meant, I am going to a meeting today and will post my experience when I get back from the meeting. Thanks for your encouraging words! Have a great weekend!