Devestated
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 228
Devestated
I was so so proud of myself for being sober for a full 30 days. My complexion was clearing up. My energy was better but more importantly I felt truly hopeful and even blessed and happy. Yesterday I relapsed. I relapsed at a strangers house who truly out of the good of their heart invited a town newbie to have a place to go on Thanksgiving. I just couldnt handle my social awkwardness. I had no intentions of drinking - none. Next thing I know I am drunk and since I am a blackout drunk I dont even really remember everything. This breaks my heart beyond words. I sit here teary eyed and exhausted from this nightmere of a battle.
Two weeks ago I moved from California all the way to the east coast to help with my sobriety. After being a severe drunk in my home town for since I was 18 along with a very tough life there I finally left and now in my new life 3,000miles away I relapse. This is pain. This is hell. I am terrified I will never win this.
I am a 28 year old women who is painfully shy and awkward but a horrendous drunk and I just dont know what to do in social settings. I am at an age where most are settled in to making their own families yet I am stuck in the reocurring trap. I want a family of my own some day, but it feels impossible and unobtainable with this massive burden. I just dont know how to move on from yet another incident.
Two weeks ago I moved from California all the way to the east coast to help with my sobriety. After being a severe drunk in my home town for since I was 18 along with a very tough life there I finally left and now in my new life 3,000miles away I relapse. This is pain. This is hell. I am terrified I will never win this.
I am a 28 year old women who is painfully shy and awkward but a horrendous drunk and I just dont know what to do in social settings. I am at an age where most are settled in to making their own families yet I am stuck in the reocurring trap. I want a family of my own some day, but it feels impossible and unobtainable with this massive burden. I just dont know how to move on from yet another incident.
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 226
Ima:
Stop beating yourself up--what's done is done--and know that you didn't "lose" those 30 days, which is a significant victory. Knowing you've done this before, you CAN do it again--but I suggest you go at it with a new strategy and plan in place. I would suggest getting out the phone book and calling AA. Talk to someone (anonymously, of course) on the phone and share exactly what was going on for you before you picked up that first drink. Often, we are already in relapse well before we pick up. Then, find out where a meeting is (you can also look this up online). I know you said you were shy and socially awkward, but you have nothing to fear but fear itself. Go and listen. The only requirement for AA membership is "the desire to stop drinking." I believe you have that, and I think you really should give the program a fair try (more than 2 or 3 meetings), before you decide it's not for you. As I see it, you're running out of options, and you have nothing to lose by keeping an open mind. AA is not the only way, but I know it's worked for me and countless others. The point is that we don't recover in isolation, and things don't magically get better just because we do a geographic (move to a new city all the way across the country).
For right oow, don't pick up. Get right back up on that horse. Keep it in the day, JUST for today. I hope you will carefully consider my recommendation. Best to you. Chin up, okay? Tell yourself that things can only get better from here, because by posting here you are moving forward, not backward.
Stop beating yourself up--what's done is done--and know that you didn't "lose" those 30 days, which is a significant victory. Knowing you've done this before, you CAN do it again--but I suggest you go at it with a new strategy and plan in place. I would suggest getting out the phone book and calling AA. Talk to someone (anonymously, of course) on the phone and share exactly what was going on for you before you picked up that first drink. Often, we are already in relapse well before we pick up. Then, find out where a meeting is (you can also look this up online). I know you said you were shy and socially awkward, but you have nothing to fear but fear itself. Go and listen. The only requirement for AA membership is "the desire to stop drinking." I believe you have that, and I think you really should give the program a fair try (more than 2 or 3 meetings), before you decide it's not for you. As I see it, you're running out of options, and you have nothing to lose by keeping an open mind. AA is not the only way, but I know it's worked for me and countless others. The point is that we don't recover in isolation, and things don't magically get better just because we do a geographic (move to a new city all the way across the country).
For right oow, don't pick up. Get right back up on that horse. Keep it in the day, JUST for today. I hope you will carefully consider my recommendation. Best to you. Chin up, okay? Tell yourself that things can only get better from here, because by posting here you are moving forward, not backward.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
Hi imatryinhard
I'm sorry you fell, but many of us do that a time or two.
It took me 15 years to 'get it' so please don't give up.
I'm not very good socially - not with folks I don't know - but you know what?
It doesn't matter - I'm kinda shy and I accept that now....and anyone who's worth knowing will accept it too.
I don't need to try and be someone I'm not - and yet for years I did just that...
Time and again I'd convince myself that 'one drink' would somehow make me into the perfect dinner guest.
It never did. and it was never one drink.
I found going into a situation like you did yesterday needs a plan imatryinhard...don't let yesterday bring you down - use it to help you make a plan for the future so that next time you will stay sober.
There's hundreds of us here who never though we'd make it. But we did - with a little work. You can do this too
Welcome
D
I'm sorry you fell, but many of us do that a time or two.
It took me 15 years to 'get it' so please don't give up.
I'm not very good socially - not with folks I don't know - but you know what?
It doesn't matter - I'm kinda shy and I accept that now....and anyone who's worth knowing will accept it too.
I don't need to try and be someone I'm not - and yet for years I did just that...
Time and again I'd convince myself that 'one drink' would somehow make me into the perfect dinner guest.
It never did. and it was never one drink.
I found going into a situation like you did yesterday needs a plan imatryinhard...don't let yesterday bring you down - use it to help you make a plan for the future so that next time you will stay sober.
There's hundreds of us here who never though we'd make it. But we did - with a little work. You can do this too
Welcome
D
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,474
Hi and Welcome,
Please don't judge yourself by what you think other people have in their lives. You are where you should be.
I am also very shy and even though I've been sober for quite awhile now, I don't like many social situations. I feel very uncomfortable unless I know people well. I spent a few years using alcohol to try to make that better. I nearly died self-medicating myself. And, I came to the conclusion that it's just fine if I don't usually like social situations. I can live with that. I go out less than I used to and I love my sober life.
I moved geographically too when in my first sober week and I think it helped a lot. It did give me a chance to create new relationships with people who knew the sober me. Don't let this relapse stop you from getting better.
Please don't judge yourself by what you think other people have in their lives. You are where you should be.
I am also very shy and even though I've been sober for quite awhile now, I don't like many social situations. I feel very uncomfortable unless I know people well. I spent a few years using alcohol to try to make that better. I nearly died self-medicating myself. And, I came to the conclusion that it's just fine if I don't usually like social situations. I can live with that. I go out less than I used to and I love my sober life.
I moved geographically too when in my first sober week and I think it helped a lot. It did give me a chance to create new relationships with people who knew the sober me. Don't let this relapse stop you from getting better.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 228
Thank you all. I am sobbing reading your responses, but will re-read them throughout the rest of the night to make me feel better.
I am so hungover right now and sore from throwing up that I will just prepare to go to an AA meeting tomorrow... which means your responses will get me through the rest of the day.
Thank you thank you thank you.
I am so hungover right now and sore from throwing up that I will just prepare to go to an AA meeting tomorrow... which means your responses will get me through the rest of the day.
Thank you thank you thank you.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,759
Never give up until you 'get it'.
I've been trying for three years to stay sober and am just coming up on a year... so you see it took me a few times of trying and failing and trying again to 'get it'. Don't give up and stop beating yourself up - it will only make you feel worse.
Welcome to the family!
I've been trying for three years to stay sober and am just coming up on a year... so you see it took me a few times of trying and failing and trying again to 'get it'. Don't give up and stop beating yourself up - it will only make you feel worse.Welcome to the family!
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Toronto, ON
Posts: 1,591
Imatry, I can see why you would be upset. Certain contexts can make a person vulnerable - some more than others. I think a relocation and a holiday invitation like that would add up to a dangerous recipe. I didn't technically have a relapse (since I had not embarked on a new sober living plan), but close to 10 years ago, I went through a phase of controlled drinking behaviour while relocating, so that I was not getting drunk and sometimes not drinking every day either. But once I got everything all set up, I drank violently, so I think of it as relapse material. It's the same kind of "return" phenomenon.
What you can do is take a look at the fact that you did some good work at putting together 30 days one at a time, and remember that this is feasible. You can also bear in mind in the future that certain things might lead you down the wrong path, and it all depends on context. You will get to know yourself better as you go.
Don't put the whole weight of the globe on you (your huge mission in life, the family, the future, etc). Recognize it's a reason to stop, since you can't fully live your life as a drinker, but I don't think it's a good idea to pound yourself down with that every day, because you would be depriving yourself of confidence that you can have in short increments. Take inches, not miles. The inches add up.
What you can do is take a look at the fact that you did some good work at putting together 30 days one at a time, and remember that this is feasible. You can also bear in mind in the future that certain things might lead you down the wrong path, and it all depends on context. You will get to know yourself better as you go.
Don't put the whole weight of the globe on you (your huge mission in life, the family, the future, etc). Recognize it's a reason to stop, since you can't fully live your life as a drinker, but I don't think it's a good idea to pound yourself down with that every day, because you would be depriving yourself of confidence that you can have in short increments. Take inches, not miles. The inches add up.
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Originally Posted by Demut 
PHP Code:
Two weeks ago I moved from California all the way to the east coast to help with my sobriety
There you are
though.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Ohio, USA
Posts: 316
Ima, it's okay, it happens! You sound like you really want to change and are just having trouble finding your way. I don't know the whole situation, but do you think you might feel better if you called the person who invited you and apologized? Something along the lines of "Thank you for inviting me to your home for Thanksgiving, it means a lot to me. I just wanted to apologize for drinking too much. I hope I didn't offend you. I was nervous being new in town and shouldn't have dealt with my nerves in that way." Again, I don't know who the person was or how the situation happened, but it might "clear the air" without revealing too much of your addiction. Stick around, and let us know how that AA meeting goes!
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Great White North
Posts: 212
hey imatryhard. just so you know, i just turned 29 in november and am single, no kids either. everyone of my good friends are married and already onto their second child, so i know how you feel about wanting a family of your own but feeling like this is a big hole in the way.
i also had 43 days then slipped....hard. since then i have a hard time stringing together more than 5 days again. all i can say is try to hold onto how you felt for those 30 days. i almost feel like a hypocrite saying that because im not sober again yet.
but since it wasnt too long ago, get back on a quick as you can. i didnt and im finding it even harder than before.
the loneliness if definatly my downfall. being home alone and no one around so i drink..and instead of going out and seeing people or doing something to get myself out of the house, i chose to stay home and drink. im back in the same cycle i was in before and trying hard to get out of it....but just get back on as quick as you can!!
i also had 43 days then slipped....hard. since then i have a hard time stringing together more than 5 days again. all i can say is try to hold onto how you felt for those 30 days. i almost feel like a hypocrite saying that because im not sober again yet.
but since it wasnt too long ago, get back on a quick as you can. i didnt and im finding it even harder than before.
the loneliness if definatly my downfall. being home alone and no one around so i drink..and instead of going out and seeing people or doing something to get myself out of the house, i chose to stay home and drink. im back in the same cycle i was in before and trying hard to get out of it....but just get back on as quick as you can!!
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Originally Posted by Vanilla28
hey imatryhard. just so you know, i just turned 29 in november and am single, no kids either. everyone of my good friends are married and already onto their second child, so i know how you feel about wanting a family of your own but feeling like this is a big hole in the way.
i also had 43 days then slipped....hard. since then i have a hard time stringing together more than 5 days again. all i can say is try to hold onto how you felt for those 30 days. i almost feel like a hypocrite saying that because im not sober again yet.
but since it wasnt too long ago, get back on a quick as you can. i didnt and im finding it even harder than before.
the loneliness if definatly my downfall. being home alone and no one around so i drink..and instead of going out and seeing people or doing something to get myself out of the house, i chose to stay home and drink. im back in the same cycle i was in before and trying hard to get out of it....but just get back on as quick as you can!!
i also had 43 days then slipped....hard. since then i have a hard time stringing together more than 5 days again. all i can say is try to hold onto how you felt for those 30 days. i almost feel like a hypocrite saying that because im not sober again yet.
but since it wasnt too long ago, get back on a quick as you can. i didnt and im finding it even harder than before.
the loneliness if definatly my downfall. being home alone and no one around so i drink..and instead of going out and seeing people or doing something to get myself out of the house, i chose to stay home and drink. im back in the same cycle i was in before and trying hard to get out of it....but just get back on as quick as you can!!
Thank you. This has been a very emotional day for me, I feel like such a child because each time someone reponds to my post I start crying. HA. This is such a waste of life laying on a couch hungover not being able to move crying until bed time. Wow.
LOL. *sigh* Thank you for responding.
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Originally Posted by WatchTheSky
Ima, it's okay, it happens! You sound like you really want to change and are just having trouble finding your way. I don't know the whole situation, but do you think you might feel better if you called the person who invited you and apologized? Something along the lines of "Thank you for inviting me to your home for Thanksgiving, it means a lot to me. I just wanted to apologize for drinking too much. I hope I didn't offend you. I was nervous being new in town and shouldn't have dealt with my nerves in that way." Again, I don't know who the person was or how the situation happened, but it might "clear the air" without revealing too much of your addiction. Stick around, and let us know how that AA meeting goes!
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 144
Originally Posted by imatryinhard
Thank you. This has been a very emotional day for me, I feel like such a child because each time someone reponds to my post I start crying. HA. This is such a waste of life laying on a couch hungover not being able to move crying until bed time. Wow. LOL. *sigh* Thank you for responding.
LOL. *sigh* Thank you for responding.Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Great White North
Posts: 212
every now and again ill read a post that sounds like i could have posted it myself. you hit on alot of points that i have been feeling myself in my life right now. about age, family, everyone else etc. so i thank you for YOUR post. helps me see too that im not the only one out there feeling the same things in the same situation.
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Originally Posted by Vanilla28
every now and again ill read a post that sounds like i could have posted it myself. you hit on alot of points that i have been feeling myself in my life right now. about age, family, everyone else etc. so i thank you for YOUR post. helps me see too that im not the only one out there feeling the same things in the same situation.
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Originally Posted by Anna
The Salvation Army offers free rehab to anyone who is looking for it.
Check out the Salvation Army in your city.
Check out the Salvation Army in your city.
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