sunnyside2010

Hello all,

I found this site about a month ago and have been reading your posts daily, and identifying with most if not all of what has been said - the struggles, shame, guilt, frustration, anxiety, depression, as well as the accomplishments, joys and feelings of peace.

I had been drinking alone at home just about every night for the past 5 years or so. There had been some short "dry-out" periods, anywhere from 2 days to about 10 days. However usually I would go to work and then get home, exhausted, not wanting to deal with cleaning, fixing dinner, errands (except the run to the liquor store of course!), calling friends or family, chores. I would sit in front of the TV to "wind down", having 6-10 drinks and smoke cigarettes. I'd "fall asleep" easily, but only after going online and emailing or posting something on a social networking site that made no sense the next day, or sounded over-the-top exuberant or depressing.

Always the next morning, I'd oversleep the alarm, get up feeling like hell, discarding the empties & butts, and of course rushing to get to work, putting on clothes that should have been cleaned or ironed, not being prepared for the day.

My thinking was: I do this to relax after a stressful day. I need the alcohol to help me fall asleep, or I will have insomnia. I need to drink for just a brief break from the constant anxiety. I was constantly irritable and anxious, and the alcohol provided relief. I knew it was very bad for me to do this, but I did it anyways. I live alone and figured, nobody needs to know that I do this.

However, about a month and a half ago, the anxiety came to a head. It had been boiling up for months (and of course I drank to temporarily relieve it). My commute to work (90 minutes each way - ouch) was getting to be too much. I was getting nothing done at home to care for my house. I was having a lot of difficulty dealing with the stress at work - a stressful job with long hours. I was freaking out because I was spending more money than I was earning, and making no progress on eliminating debt. I was isolating. Even though I had HAD it for years, I finally had HAD it.

My significant other's relatives, who I'm closer with than my own family (big resentments w/ my own family - another story for another post!) invited me to feel free to stay over at their house with my S.O. I don't think they know about my daily self-medication when home alone, but they definitely knew something was "up".

I started staying with them about 2 months ago. They rarely drink and they are a great group of people (kinda wish I'd grown up in their family). When staying with them, my commute to work is cut in half, they do my laundry, there are always nutritious and yummy leftovers waiting for me when I get back from work. I get to see my sweetie every day. But the biggest thing for me, is when I am staying there, my anxiety is nearly nonexistent. I have no urge to drink when I am with them.

Here's the thing. In the past 2 months, I have gone home to take care of things with the house (cleaning, maintenance) and have stayed overnight alone. Yep - those few nights, I have gone to the liquor store and bought beer and cigarettes and resumed my "usual" routine. Next day - feel like hell, go online to see what stupid gibberish, if any, I wrote online and to whom, who would see it, how I need to fix it. And then I go back to my new temporary home, and all's good again.

This is day 14 sober for me. I have come to realize (although I think I knew it all along) that I was drinking to alleviate anxiety, depression and insomnia, but the drinking was CAUSING the anxiety, depression and insomnia!

I want to keep this sobriety. I feel good. I am finally sleeping much better, eating much better, I don't smoke (only smoked when I drank). I am starting to be able to focus better at work and the stress gets to me less. I am less bloated. I feel healthy and happier. I'm less irritable (not completely yet...LOL). Now that I am not buying alcohol, I'm actually earning more money than I am spending and I can breathe a sigh of relief - and start chipping away at that debt. I don't have to worry about getting to the liquor store before it closes, wondering if the clerk jokes with the other clerks after I leave about what a lush I am. I don't have to be constantly lying about why I feel like crap, why I was late, why I didn't show up to something. This is what I want.

Here's the test this weekend. My S.O. and his relatives will be out of town this weekend (on business, it's a family business). I have plans to stay alone at my house. This is both good, and potentially bad. Good: I can continue cleaning out and getting stuff DONE (I will probably be selling this place next spring and moving into a new apartment w/ my S.O.). The bad: I am afraid I will be home alone at night and want to do my usual 6-10 beers plus cigarettes. Like I will feel I deserve it, having been productive and having been "good" for the past 2 weeks.

I think this will be a good challenge - to be sober at home alone. To start to disassociate being home alone at night with drinking. To be sober in this environment, go to sleep and not be anxious about it, and know that I don't need to drink when I am home alone. I know that living with my S.O.'s relatives is temporary.

I realize I need a plan and here it is:

1. Don't buy alcohol (no brainer...but easier said than done!)
2. Online games
3. Call friends
4. Make plans with friends - no drinking of course - but is this still "hiding" from learning to be alone with myself and not drink?
5. Finish that book I'm reading, and start another one
6. Do some online continuing ed (yeah, I actually enjoy this)
7. Do some light chores but nothing too ambitious
8. Read stuff on SR, and maybe post too
9. Look into SMART recovery
10. Try that yoga DVD I bought years ago
11. Look forward to not feeling like a truck hit me the next day

Yes, I realize that an AA meeting is not on this list. I tried AA many years ago and got quite into it, then I had some negative experiences, got sober "on my own", had a good stretch, and then drinking sneaked its way back into my life and took me down again. I'm very interested in giving the SMART program a shot.

Thanks to all of you and this forum for being here during the last 2 months...I have been reading it on my phone every night, sometimes during the day at work. Looking forward to more. Looking forwarding to continuing sobriety because honestly, it feels wonderful. There have been some periods of discomfort but they PASS.

LawMama

Welcome to SR and sobriety! It is hard to stay sober when you are alone, but it can be done. For what it's worth, I don't think that hanging out with friends is hiding from learning to be alone with yourself. In the beginning, the most important thing is getting used to staying sober so do what you have to do to get to that point. Also, isolating is something a lot of us do while drinking and getting together with people can be a really positive thing to do!

thisisforellie

I find that being alone a night was a major trigger for me. Drinking made me feel less afraid and "strong". so one thing I would suggest is to have people over at night. Even if it is from 5 - 7pm, have a friend visit.

Then, try to go to bed early. Give yourself a nighttime "routine" (like a baby!) -- try a bath, then a book, then bed. i feel that structure and a plan also help me stay sober. Above all, make your number one priority to stay sober. Do anything you have to do to achieve this. When you wake up the next day, congratulate yourself! Then, again, make it your #1 priority to stay sober another 24 hours. Try this to start. Put sobriety before everything else, especially in these first difficult months.

I find too that as long as I am fighting something (fighting fear, fighting boredom, fighting anger) that life is alot more difficult. Try to let go and accept what you are feeling. Try to say "let go" or "give it" to your Higher Power. Stop fighting the battle that you are fighting and you will being to feel serenity. It may only be for a few moments, but the "serenity" time will grow.

Good luck, you can do it!

Isaiah

Hey Sunnyside,

Welcome to the community! I always joke that eventually we draw everyone in to sign in and post.

You know, reading through and your concerns about the weekend. I think you have a really awesome plan in hand. Staying busy is the best thing in the world, particularly uplifting stuff like seeing friends or anything recovery related like SMART and SR. The only thing left would be making sure you stick to the list.

And we'll be here all weekend for you too if the anxiety starts to shoot up or you need the distraction.

Nice to have you with us.

Horselover

Welcome to SR and good for you for posting. I read your post and you appear to know what you're doing. Making a plan ahead of the temptation is always good. Do you believe in gratitude? One of my dear friends here said a grateful alcoholic will not drink and I believe that statement is 110 percent true. Something else to add to your list

This statement stuck out to me in your post - "The bad: I am afraid I will be home alone at night and want to do my usual 6-10 beers plus cigarettes. Like I will feel I deserve it, having been productive and having been "good" for the past 2 weeks."

I would say the reason it stuck out was the "I deserve it" part. You need to think about ways of rewarding yourself and not punishing yourself. See drinking is not a reward after you have been sober awhile that becomes very apparent. What did drinking do for you? Certainly not good things. I do remember thinking that it was a friend, but as I say after you become sober for awhile you find it was no friend whatsoever. Just another thing to think about.

Welcome again and post here before you drink. If you are having a hard time its a great place to come. If you are having a good time its a great place to come. It is just a great place period.

Anna

Hi Sunnyside,

Welcome!

My favourite time for drinking was at home, alone, too, so it took some planning to be prepared during those times. It does sound like you have a good plan in place and that you know the time alone might be difficult.

And, yes, yes, yes, I drank to self-medicate insomnia/depression/anxiety and of course, it made me so much worse. Congratulations on 14 sober days.

least

Yes yes yes from me too!! I was drinking to medicate/mask my depression and anxiety until, after stopping for a while, I realized it was, if not causing it, was making it a lot worse.

Now my depression/anxiety is more manageable and not so overwhelming.

Congrats on your two weeks sober and welcome to the family! Come here any time you need a boost or some good company. There's always someone here any time of day or night.

kdr143

Welcome!!!!

I liked your plan........i stole a couple to put on my list
I have 85 day sober today.........i did it one day at a time.
just try to get thru each day without a drink
then wake up and get thru that one
glad you are here
this site has helped me so much
and so have you thank you
muah

WatchTheSky

Welcome, sunnyside! Your plan sounds like a solid one. I'm very triggered by certain environments too, and that takes time to break. I recommend drinking decaf tea if you enjoy it. That helped me because I was still constantly drinking something and enjoyed getting up to heat up more water and brew a new cup of tea. It relaxed me to think I could have as much tea as I wanted.

Dee74

Welcome sunnyside

I was an at home alone drinker too - especially at night...so it took me a while to get past that trigger...

I spent a lot of time on here tho, read and posted, and made sure I had things to do at home, people to call, rented funny movies, made sure I had books to read.

I've not had those thoughts for years now

You can do this - congratulations on the 14 days too

D

sunnyside2010

Thanks for the good suggestions so far and for reading my novel, lol! Even all the welcomes and greetings. Feels great. I am at my temporary home tonite, and will start tomorrow being at my house...alone. There will be triggers and I want to be ready for them. Thanks for the feedback on my "list". As long as I do the first thing (don't buy the booze and don't drink) that will be good enough. Next look into SMART program.

Tonight I am having some anxiety. Need some space and alone time which I will have tomorrow. The alone time is good but I will need to have stuff to keep occupied. I liked all your comments, and have been thinking about the comments about gratitude, and not fighting things. Like I mentioned, I have spent time "in the halls" and learned a lot, and I have nothing against the program. Guess I need to look back and re-appreciate those things.

Will be back on this forum tomorrow and again thanks for the welcomes and for just saying that there is plenty of support here. I'll be back on a "real computer" instead of pecking on my phone, and with a real keyboard, certainly won't be shy!

sunnyside2010

Sorry for the double post...

artsoul

Welcome! Love your name and the positivity of your post. I can relate to so much of what you said, including the trigger of being alone. Being by myself always meant a "free for all" where I didn't have to hide or sneak around.

I never had any problem staying sober around my parents and siblings - maybe because I felt loved or safe or because there was positive activity going on. I'm wondering if I need to treat myself like family..... care a little more for me, even when I'm by myself....(?) You got me thinking!

Good to have you here!

Kadybug

Hey Sunnyside -
Great list! I, too, was a home-alone drinker, and I soooo understand where you're coming from! I still live alone, and haven't spent many nights otherwise, but the first most important thing I do is NOT DRINK - just like your list says!

Second, I have a routine - this, too has been mentioned - of things I do when I get home, before I start my online classes (college), when I go to bed, when I get up, etc. - I have a routine for each of these times of my at-home alone time. I'm not totally OCD about it, but it helps to remember where I am on my mental "checklist" for the attagirls I can give myself.

Third - meetings, SR, other friends in recovery ... PRICELESS. Remember, it's YOUR recovery, and do it for YOU. However you make it work, works!