Tendencies

So I find myself at the end of my rope. Again.

I'm two days with no drinking now. Wow... Why am I here on this forum? I've never talked to anyone very seriously about my drinking. By the time I needed to I was too embarrassed to do it. I'm a 36 year old male, single, never married, professional (when I work) been drinking heavy for at least 6 years. It's made me fat too. My life sucks.

I find myself not working, not really wanting to work anymore. I'm on unemployment assistance after I was laid off from an engineering job. I rent a few rooms in my house to boarders. I can't even get by on that. I've been racking up the CC's to pay for my drinking.

Typical day for me is wake up feeling like excrement (but not too bad usually) and play video games or surf the net for 5-6 hours. Do a little of my online stuff (I have a business online that brings in bubkus but has potential) and check emails. By 2-3pm I want to drink and by 6pm I've usually gone the liquor store.

I'm embarrassed to go into the store but needs must. I'm there all the time. I try to mix it up between two different outlets so I don't seem so chronic. I'm pretty sure it doesn't work.

The checkout line. Pull out the CC and buy at least a mickey of hard liquor, preferably scotch, but I mix it up sometimes I add to that 1 litre of wine. Sometimes I add a couple of beers to that just in case I run out. God forbid that happens. I go home watch TV ignore the world and get really wasted. I stumble to bed around midnight and get my 7-8 hours of pass out time. I've been doing that pretty much everyday for years.

I get pretty angry when I drink thinking about how I don't want to drink and how it's so stupid too drink. It's nuts. It's bad for me, it costs me money. Alienates me from my friends and family. Yet I lose the battle of will every time.

My twenties was spent going to university and travelling. I had a great life. Lots of girlfriends and parties. I drank but it was never a focus. We all drank we all partied. I got fired from a job in England because my visas were not correct and that started something different. I came home at 25 and was really devastated. I broke up with my girlfriend before leaving england so with the job loss plus all my money.... I had to start over.

I ended up at my Mom's and my step-dads place. I asked them for two months to get myself straight and find a job. I was kicked out in about a month and a half. I started drinking the basement and outside the house. So I was mad at them for kicking me out and for all the losses I had just suffered. I got a terrible call centre job and was miserable. I used to sit in my shower and cry at my crap bachelor appt. I felt humiliated coming back home from England. My parents were not sympathetic. So I drank and I smoked. I was always a smoker but I really went to town after that. A friend of mine helped me figure out a next move and that was to go back to school and do grad work. So I bounced back.

I quit drinking and smoking cold turkey. Quiting drinking was easy, it didn't even bother me. Smoking was wicked hard. But I did it. I told myself I was going to get in shape and get back out there into life. I worked out and ran a lot. So it worked I saved my money and went back to school. I made a promise to myself no drinking for one year so I would not start smoking again. By the time I went to grad school the year was done. Frigging hero right?

So I did two years of grad school and things went ok. After that I started a consulting company and moved into a wonderful cottage on a lake near my hometown. Life was sweet. I reconciled with my mom and Step dad before I went back to school. But I was a little isolated at the cottage. So drinking was creeping back in. A bottle of wine and some pot seemed pretty cool on the lake by the fire. Hell I deserved it after all I went through.

So things went bad fast. The consulting business went bad (my drinking I'm pretty sure was responsible for 50% of that) and I had to move out of the cottage. Then something terrible happened.

I witnessed an accident that cost someone his life. It was in the morning and yeah there was no drinking involved but I saw it happen. I did my best to help but he was killed instantly.

Yeah it messed me up. At the same time I had a serous family meltdown with my mother and Step-father. That was 6 years ago. Since then I've pretty much been drinking with moments of lucidity. I've had a good job since then but was laid off. I had a girlfriend that I used as a crutch during that time and when I realised it I broke it off.

So now I'm out of work trying to put myself back together and pretty much alone. I've read some of the posts on the board and was surprised to hear some people say some things about their drinking that I've said.

Now to go off on a bit of a tangent-

I've got something to say about my experiences with AA. That is before somebody tells me to get my butt to a meeting or join the program.

My Dad's in AA. He's been in it for over 30 years. He goes to those big conferences that AA has. He also does at least 5 meetings a week and church every morning. I think the last big one he was at was in Texas.

My dear old Dad used to take me to AA meetings when I was a kid (my parents divorced because of his drinking) and I would sit through it all. He had no babysitter so I went to the meetings. It was horrible. All those hurting people and the stories they told. I was a kid and should not have been at those meetings. I know AA helps a lot of people but I have a lot bad memories about it. Growing up my dad would always be dealing with people calling him on the phone in crisis (he was a sponsor). It pulled him away from the time we did have. It seemed to me they were more important than we were.

So in a way I started going to AA when I was eight years old. I think because I never wanted to be like my father, and my father being an alcoholic I never (still don't) want to admit I'm an alcoholic. So I have an aversion to AA.

So here I am. If I keep going the way I have been I will lose my house. I think I've been making myself sick as well. I have an ache in my side that I imagine is my liver telling me to stop.

I've never been married and done most if not all of my drinking in private. Its not fun. I can't remember when it stopped being fun. When I got fat? When I started drinking and driving to the liquor store? When I put my fist through the door. When I did crap at work? When I ran out of money?

Now that I've started to hate myself is when I realised I have a problem.

So I'm not sure if that was venting or just needing to tell my story. It's going on two days now no drink. I'd love a drink, but I know I'd hate it too.

I just wanted to get that out there.

Dee74

Hi tendencies

Welcome to SR

You sound a lot like I was about your age - you know you're in trouble but you're not sure what you should do about it...and you eventually just go back and do the same things anyway....and the cycle goes on.

If you don't want to call that alcoholism, ok. But let's agree you need to do something, and soon, yeah?

If you feel AA's not your bag - it's not the only game in town.

Many of us here have gotten sober without AA - using another recovery group like SMART, or counselling, or seeing their Dr, or for some, just posting here has helped.

Here's a list to some of the main recovery players
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html

I hope you'll find something there to get started with. Do something different tendencies

D

VeeTee

Tendencies, welcome and thanks for your sharing. Just shows what alcohol does to us. We can work hard, be talented and good people, but it will just drag us down into the mean dumps. Well done on two days! These are the hardest.

I wanted to recommend a recovery program as it is really helping me, but I see you don't want to hear about AA, which I understand. But, there are other programs of recovery, I'm sure someone else will post a link to a collection here on SR.

Stay focused and strong, alcohol is making a big mess in your life, don't loose it all!

vee

Anna

Hi,

Early sobriety is really hard, but it will get easier.

I'm glad you're hanging in there.

Mark75

My dad was in AA. Instead of taking him away, AA brought him back.... I was a young adult then so I never felt like you must have at a younger age. My brother is in AA, we are lucky, we spend a lot of time together, and yea, he gets a lot of those calls from his those he sponsors, but I usually find them fascinating... at least the part I hear ... I don't sponsor anyone yet, but as soon as I am asked....

We are all much more alike than different. I hear a little of my own story in everyone else's, some more than others, sure... but there is always that powerless thing.

Your life is what you make it, if you don't want it to suck, start now and get recovered. Our problems are of our own making... and that, my friend, is a strong message of hope.

Keep posting.

Mark

Ghostly

Hey Tendencies,

I read your Post and could identify with a lot of it. Congrats on the two days, and I hope it can turn into many more.

Many people on this site do not go to AA. You should not be pushed into it. Still...clearly what you did in the past did not work right? You wrote yourself about all you have to lose. So something needs to change, or I you may lose what you have. If you don't like AA don't go. Still, consider some of the other resources Dee posted. Or maybe consider your stance on AA...or find something that helps.

Good luck.

Stevie1

Tendencies, I gave you a "thanks" for being so honest. I think you'll find bits of your story repeated by many here...I also blew grad school and a business, in part because of drinking. I am still self-employed and it's MUCH harder to maintain the discipline when your primary foicus is getting drunk. Is for me, anyhow...I've also spent parts of the last 30 years or so sober, but always went back to drinking...it solves absolutely nothing and amplifies life's problems. But you already know that.

I'm also on day two of not drinking and have been rather obsessively reading old discussions here...it helps, especially if much of your drinking was hidden from others, to realise that a lot of people have been through the same shite and worse, and were able to get and stay sober. Some of the stories here are truly humbling.

I can't imagine taking a little kid to AA meetings, maybe your father thought it would deter you later in life? I'm also ambivalent about AA...I found out about the SMART program on this site, do a search. I don't know about you but I've come to a place where I realise I need help to stay sober....doing it on my own hasn't stuck so far.

I don't know if getting medical or psychiatric/counseling help is an option for you...addiction often has associated comorbid spiritual, emotional or mental illness, and simply not drinking won't fix those.That's another realisation I've come to clearly in the last few days, mostly from reading what some very wise people have posted here. I just started in counseling again and have a psychiatrist appointment on a week....that alone has given me a little hope that maybe I can get control. The first step in taking control is often asking for help....posting here is a great start.

As Dee said...try something different.

I'll add, I am almost 20 years older than you. Had I gotten a handle on this problem for real 20 years ago, my life would be much better now. Truly. This is serious. The first step is admitting you have a problem. The next step (the one I neglected) was admitting I needed help and could not do it alone.

Tendencies

I gota say it nice to get my story out there a bit. Thank you all so much for your encouragement.

Being a drunk is hard.

I am an alcoholic. So now I have to do something about it.

My dad is (sober 30 years plus) , my grandad was (drank till he died, even in the old age home), my uncle was as well. I imagine if I looked over some other family rocks I could find more.

I first found the site yesterday looking to do something with my new "time on my hands." So I just started looking around. I read a lot of posts and the ones that are hitting me the hardest are those trying to quit. First few days. I've had a lot of first few days.

What is it about starting to feel good that makes me think I can have just one night of drinking? Like I think I'm treating myself. But then I have more booze left over the next day. But its not quite enough to get me as drunk as I "need" to be-so I have to back to the store. The cycle begins anew.

I am in therpay with a Psychiatrist. Have been for about 3-4 years on and off. The focus there are my issues with depression and sense of worthlessness. It helps. But I'm only doing one session a week and I think I need three or four. His schedule is booked up. I have another session on Friday. I talk about my drinking but its to figure out what I'm trying to clock out. Why and I numbing myself.

Thanks for the links Dee. I am interested in the SMART program. Time to learn more about it. I'll read up on it. Is it very different from AA?

Thanks for the words from everyone. I've been reading your posts and making bran muffins. I can start eating breakfast again now that I'm not feeling so bad in the morning.

Are there online chats or something somebody like me can join where people discuss ....drinking and getting sober? I find it cathartic to read others stories about being a mess and getting better. Are there any posts of distinction?

Thanks again,

-Tendencies

Dee74

I have no experience with SMART - in fact I've never done any formal recovery programme
but we have another thread here that may be helpful, T.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...058-smart.html

D

Stevie1

The stickies here, at the top of each forum, include a lot of worthwhile reading.

Does your psy-doc have you on any meds? Personally that's the only reason I see a psychiatrist: for happy pills. The place I just started going to requires a therapist visit at least once a month in order to get into a psy-doc for meds. (Note, we are not supposed to give out medical-type advice here, but I'm just curious. Most psychotropic meds interact very poorly with alcohol.)

Feeling good and "doing better" has always been a trigger for me to start drinking again. I don't think it's that uncommon.

Tendencies

I've done some meds but I'm not on any now. I've done prozac and a really strong sleeping pill to put me out when I don't drink. I still have a few of those. I'm off two minds on prozac. It did work I felt better about everything but I don't want to be on it forever. However, it's better than drinking everyday.

I guess I'm in the process now of figuring out how to proceed. Normally I just say. "Ok time to quit." Then I usually screw that up. I think this SMART thing might be something new and could help. Any port in a storm at this point.

Mark75

I assume, but I could be wrong, that your real father was the alcoholic? It was not your step father... Did your father's alcoholism have something to do with your parent's split? Maybe your father had to attend these meetings to get and stay sober, and that when you were with him, there was no one else to watch you... ?? go easy on him... he was doing the best he could.

I see many kids at AA and almost always it is with a parent who shared custody... It is always amazing to me and often leaves me speechless... we must be willing to go to any lengths.

My reply is not meant to promote AA, no... but maybe this is an opportunity to see what happened when you were young, through the eyes of an adult alcoholic trying to get sober... your own.

Hevyn

Welcome Tendencies. You are obviously an intelligent person with a good sense of humor. You have so much going for you, & you've been stifling it with booze. I did the same thing for almost my whole life. In the end I was drinking round the clock, couldn't have it out of my system or I'd shake and be sick. You never have to reach that point. Be glad you see what needs to be done, and you're taking action. You may not be sure exactly what to do, but you're going to try something - anything is better than continuing down the road to nowhere that you've been on.

Everything can and will get better and easier as you come out of the fog. Most of us have had the same thoughts you've had - been where you've been. That's why it's good for you to be here with us - we are family - and we "get" you like few people in your life can.

Let us know how it's going. You're on your way to a better life, be proud.

tmbg

So I find myself at the end of my rope. Again.

Typical day for me is wake up feeling like excrement...

Why am I here on this forum? By the time I needed to I was too embarrassed to do it

But I was a little isolated at the cottage

I'm embarrassed to go into the store but needs must. I'm there all the time. I try to mix it up between two different outlets so I don't seem so chronic. I'm pretty sure it doesn't work.

... ignore the world and get really wasted...

It's made me fat too. My life sucks.

I get pretty angry when I drink thinking about how I don't want to drink and how it's so stupid too drink. It's nuts. It's bad for me, it costs me money. Alienates me from my friends and family. Yet I lose the battle of will every time.


I ended up...

So I drank and I...So I bounced back.

I get pretty angry when I drink thinking about how I don't want to drink and how it's so stupid too drink [whoa, that needs to be repeated!


So things went bad fast... [yeah, you can say that again]

I can't remember when it stopped being fun.

I can't remember when it stopped being fun.

I can't remember when it stopped being fun.

I never (still don't) want to admit I'm an alcoholic.

Now that I've started to hate myself is when I realised I have a problem


Tendencies, you are a talented writer for sure. If you need an inventory of your strengths, do consider that you have the ability to convey facts in a way that makes sense. You described a progression of the drinking cycle, the thoughts and ways, the allusion to a traumatic event, the aversion to the "AA way," and so much more so very well. Seriously. I've been reading SR for months. Your story touched such a nerve in me in terms of the specifics. I imagine it will feel the same way to many others. [Someone playing an acoustic guitar and singing meaningful lyrics must be playing in the background as I read your words (heh, guilty as charged...)].

I'd like to send my wishes for your continued sobriety even though I'm still so early in it myself.

Regarding AA, if you spend some time reading, you will find that the "how" of AA is a bone of contention even amongst the members. And yes, that is disconcerting, but a fact. My first AA experience wasn't really conducive to long-term sobriety, but a deeper examination of the literature has me thinking more about the process and how it can be a part of my life experience. It would be a good idea if you don't let your perception of your father's AA experience get in the way of how you interpret the message and how it may be of help to you.

IME, getting out of your intellectual head to beat the cravings really helps. Sort of breaking it down to the simple facts of how you think about the disappointments of life. That's one interesting thing about the SMART and AA programs--they can give you some skills to combat self-defeating thoughts.

One thing that helped me is going out for a walk every day to build up the physical defense.

As for the isolation, do keep posting.

lulu70

(((((((Tendencies))))))) You have come to the right place. I, too, struggled for years with alcohol and depression--smoked pot, too. I finally quit when I got desperate enough. As of today, I haven't had a drink in over six years. (Just had to quit pot again, though--but that's a different story.) Life is so much better. I recently was even able to quit taking anti-depressants, although I credit that to exercise more than anything else. When I quit, I used a combination of inpatient treatment (12-step based), counselling, and AA. AA is still an important part of my life, although not nearly as much as before. I do know that I couldn't have done it without outside support.

Please keep posting. This site has helped me and so many others. We're here to help. All you have to do is ask!

LaFemme

Welcome tendencies:-) stick with SR there's a lot of good advice here. I too can relate to a lot of your post. I am on 4.5 months now sober...never thought it was possible but it is...you just need to find the right approach to it...which you will.

Happy Thanksgiving.
LaFemme

BelfastBhoy

**** me man. I've no advice to give apart from the fact that i know that you knowm it's time. Once you've reached this stage you now what yu've gotta do. Best of luck mate.

least

I struggled for two years... not trying to stop drinking but trying to moderate my drinking... it never worked and nearly a year ago I got serious about quitting and actually did it! I'm coming up on a year sober and it's been the best year of my life - and I'm 59) I too am on meds for depression and anxiety but they weren't helping while I was drinking a depressant - duh!

I hope you can stay sober and find a better sober life... I have and am so grateful for it. Welcome to the family!

Tendencies

So another day has come. I don't know if this is the right place to do this sort of thing but I think I'm just going to post my thoughts on how I feel.

I had to get groceries. I'm there with all the old ladies and retired old men doing my shopping. Everybody else is at work being productive right.

I realised I have drinking food. Now that sounds strange but I really have drinking food. Cooking ribs I realised is a "drinking" food. It's a treat, like drinking. I didn't want the ribs because I don't want to drink (So I say in my head). Man it almost makes no sense. I have a list of food like that. Things that go well with wine. Things that go well with beer. Chili for instance. I've read a coupe of things on the site about patterns and associations. I guess that is one of mine.

So I bought good stuff. But then I started thinking about my bills and the end of the month. An dall the things I've let slide and I wanted a drink. It's like having a 2-3 minute brain farc. I think it was the darn Christmas music I just wanted them to turn it off.

I think about moving. Selling my house. Which I will need to do in the summer anyway as I can't renew my mortgage. But that's ok. I did great. It's the only positve thing really. I can pay all my student debts and walk about with some nice cash. But I have to hang on till then. Gota get a job. All the money on my CC for booze. So stupid. So Stupid. So stupid. What did it get me? Nothing. Less than nothing it took away all that time I could have contributed to something anything. I used to volunteer a lot. I was a boy scout leader, I helped start a museum. Lots of stuff. I had to quit all those things because the drinking...damn it's so consuming.

My drinking is a fire. In that fire I burned my life away a piece at a time. The logs I used were my family, friends, money, work, lovers, and my education.
The fire is warm though. I sit beside it, it doesn't comfort me the way it used to, now it blinds me. Now that that has happened, If I could crawl into the fire I would.

But I don't want to. But sometimes I really do.

Another day sober so far. I'm wondering when my mind will clear up. I long for that. I've read about it in other peoples posts about getting and staying sober. The fog clears, focus returns. I'm looking for some hope.

I'll leave you with some words of advice my Father told me once.

"If you want to make God laugh tel him your plans"

VeeTee

Love your dad's quote - and your insight and writings. I worry about money, I think many of us here do. But I know that today I am acting in a way to ensure my best possible future.

take care - be strong
vee