I miss the old me
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 20
I miss the old me
Hello All,
I've been a reader but am feeling desperate and need advice so here goes.
Im 28 years, and my life is not going in the direction i want it to go. Thanks to alcohol.
I MISS THE OLD ME. I'm very smart (so many people have told me so). But alcohol takes away my desire to continue with my studies, or even concentrate on new things. I used to eat healthy, work out a lot (like twice a day), and have many hobbies like writing projects, buying and selling clothes on ebay, church activities, hell i even taught aerobics before!! The point is I used to be active and do Stuff! And now, YEP you guessed it, havnt done any of these things in a looooooooong time.
Usually my day consists of sleeping till noon, or sometimes even later, drinking lots of coffee to offset the fog in my head while watching court TV, taking a shower and getting up just in time to pick my oldest daughter up from school (2:45pm), cook dinner or help daughter with homework or clean, (by now its usually around 5 or 6 and Im usually having another cup of coffee) Chat on facebook and/or with hubby until its time to put kids to bed, Rush out the house around 9:30pm to catch the liquor store before it closes to get my bottle of wine and/or liquor. Watch my favorite shows (TVoed or Live) downstairs alone in the den, and nurse my bottle of whatever I have.....
I usually pass out around 2 or 3AM, and Im either woken up by my husband and dragged upstairs, or some days I mysteriously stagger upstairs myself. Those nights usually come with drunken sex...Everyday the same thing!
I wish i could curse on here. I am angry with myself. I am angry with my life. I want to change. I am better than this. Whenever we are out in public or with family and friends people have no clue. I've started fights with hubby after nights of drinking, hes gotten so mad that he's left a few times....But he wont leave because its kind of familiar to him (his father was and still is an alcoholic).
I recently had a second baby (shes two mos) and i couldnt even bring myself to stop the entire time i was pregnant. The first couple months I did, but the wine crept back in and soon yes it was right back to every single day. I know its shameful but that's why Im here. If anyone could offer any kind of advice it would be helpful. Oh! and the baby is the reason im not working, but even when I work the drinking doesnt change. I've actually drank at work before...
I noticed that some people have a problem with either frequency or quantity , it seems that I have both. I cant seem to let a day go by without alcohol, and I still drink until I pass out.
Both my parents were addicts. My mom quit about 15 yrs ago and is still sober. My dad is...well who knows where he is but hes unchanged. I did a stint in an outpatient program about a year ago for 6 weeks and i learned lot! Thats about the longest time I've been sober in the past 5 years or so. I would like to be a person that only has one glass of wine with dinner, or only two glasses on the weekends with friends. But that class taught me that thats not possible. Is it? Im gonna stop now becuase this can go on for days........Just would like to know whos been where I've been and how they got to where I want to be.
Thanks
I've been a reader but am feeling desperate and need advice so here goes.
Im 28 years, and my life is not going in the direction i want it to go. Thanks to alcohol.
I MISS THE OLD ME. I'm very smart (so many people have told me so). But alcohol takes away my desire to continue with my studies, or even concentrate on new things. I used to eat healthy, work out a lot (like twice a day), and have many hobbies like writing projects, buying and selling clothes on ebay, church activities, hell i even taught aerobics before!! The point is I used to be active and do Stuff! And now, YEP you guessed it, havnt done any of these things in a looooooooong time.
Usually my day consists of sleeping till noon, or sometimes even later, drinking lots of coffee to offset the fog in my head while watching court TV, taking a shower and getting up just in time to pick my oldest daughter up from school (2:45pm), cook dinner or help daughter with homework or clean, (by now its usually around 5 or 6 and Im usually having another cup of coffee) Chat on facebook and/or with hubby until its time to put kids to bed, Rush out the house around 9:30pm to catch the liquor store before it closes to get my bottle of wine and/or liquor. Watch my favorite shows (TVoed or Live) downstairs alone in the den, and nurse my bottle of whatever I have.....
I usually pass out around 2 or 3AM, and Im either woken up by my husband and dragged upstairs, or some days I mysteriously stagger upstairs myself. Those nights usually come with drunken sex...Everyday the same thing!
I wish i could curse on here. I am angry with myself. I am angry with my life. I want to change. I am better than this. Whenever we are out in public or with family and friends people have no clue. I've started fights with hubby after nights of drinking, hes gotten so mad that he's left a few times....But he wont leave because its kind of familiar to him (his father was and still is an alcoholic).
I recently had a second baby (shes two mos) and i couldnt even bring myself to stop the entire time i was pregnant. The first couple months I did, but the wine crept back in and soon yes it was right back to every single day. I know its shameful but that's why Im here. If anyone could offer any kind of advice it would be helpful. Oh! and the baby is the reason im not working, but even when I work the drinking doesnt change. I've actually drank at work before...
I noticed that some people have a problem with either frequency or quantity , it seems that I have both. I cant seem to let a day go by without alcohol, and I still drink until I pass out.
Both my parents were addicts. My mom quit about 15 yrs ago and is still sober. My dad is...well who knows where he is but hes unchanged. I did a stint in an outpatient program about a year ago for 6 weeks and i learned lot! Thats about the longest time I've been sober in the past 5 years or so. I would like to be a person that only has one glass of wine with dinner, or only two glasses on the weekends with friends. But that class taught me that thats not possible. Is it? Im gonna stop now becuase this can go on for days........Just would like to know whos been where I've been and how they got to where I want to be.
Thanks
Last edited by SashaFierce; 11-24-2010 at 11:46 AM. Reason: changed title
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Arkansas
Posts: 157
It wasn't possible for me to just drink "a little". At least not for 2 days in a row 
I drank daily, also watching TV or just wasting time. I drank until I pretty much passed out most nights. From the time I was 17 to 33. I finally reached a bottom and reached out to a 12 step group. Worked the steps and attended meetings. It is possible. Welcome to SR - there's lots of great resources on here.
I drank daily, also watching TV or just wasting time. I drank until I pretty much passed out most nights. From the time I was 17 to 33. I finally reached a bottom and reached out to a 12 step group. Worked the steps and attended meetings. It is possible. Welcome to SR - there's lots of great resources on here.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 20
Thanks Jack,
I was afraid someone would say that...guess I'll have to say good bye to my old friend for good. But I think Im ready to do that. I really dont want to wait on a rock bottom, or Im afraid ill waste another 5 or ten years. Like I said even if I brought this up to some of my friends they would say they dont think I really have a problem. Because I "appear" to be just fine. Since im not in a drunken stupor at the local bar society accepts be being a wino...But Im not going to accept it. I know when something in my life is not right. And this is not right.
I was afraid someone would say that...guess I'll have to say good bye to my old friend for good. But I think Im ready to do that. I really dont want to wait on a rock bottom, or Im afraid ill waste another 5 or ten years. Like I said even if I brought this up to some of my friends they would say they dont think I really have a problem. Because I "appear" to be just fine. Since im not in a drunken stupor at the local bar society accepts be being a wino...But Im not going to accept it. I know when something in my life is not right. And this is not right.
Last edited by SashaFierce; 11-24-2010 at 12:04 PM. Reason: not logging off
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 85
Hi Sasha! Welcome to SR! I am glad you are here.
I recently had my first daughter in June. I knew I had a problem with drinking before I had her, and I was *hoping* that somehow when I became a 'mom' that my drinking would be controlled. I got drunk when she was two months old and realized two things:
1. I can't control my drinking. I am powerless over alcohol.
2. Being a mom is hard enough sober -- it is the hardest job in the world! When I added alcohol to it, it was miserable. I didn't have time for my baby, I resented her, I thought she was 'getting in the way'. But she's just a little baby!
I posted earlier here about this phenomenon of children -- they demand that you be your best. And the best way to really be good to them is to be good to yourself. So it is a double blessing. I never had enough 'self-love' to care for myself, but now, by needing me to be my best, my daughter gives me the reason to take care of myself. Does this makes sense? It is like she gives the care back to me.
And this means sobriety. She is giving me sobriety.
I hope this helps.
Please don't drink today. Just take it one day at a time. For the next 24 hours, don't drink. Then see where you are at. You can do it.
I recently had my first daughter in June. I knew I had a problem with drinking before I had her, and I was *hoping* that somehow when I became a 'mom' that my drinking would be controlled. I got drunk when she was two months old and realized two things:
1. I can't control my drinking. I am powerless over alcohol.
2. Being a mom is hard enough sober -- it is the hardest job in the world! When I added alcohol to it, it was miserable. I didn't have time for my baby, I resented her, I thought she was 'getting in the way'. But she's just a little baby!
I posted earlier here about this phenomenon of children -- they demand that you be your best. And the best way to really be good to them is to be good to yourself. So it is a double blessing. I never had enough 'self-love' to care for myself, but now, by needing me to be my best, my daughter gives me the reason to take care of myself. Does this makes sense? It is like she gives the care back to me.
And this means sobriety. She is giving me sobriety.
I hope this helps.
Please don't drink today. Just take it one day at a time. For the next 24 hours, don't drink. Then see where you are at. You can do it.
Last edited by thisisforellie; 11-24-2010 at 12:02 PM. Reason: spelling
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Land down under
Posts: 433
Hi Sasha
Welcome to SR
I think you have pretty much answered your own questions. You know your life has become unmanageable due to alcohol. You just need to want to be sober more than you want to drink. Drinking "just a little" will not be possible any more.
You can have the old you back again, and better because you will learn so much about yourself through recovery. Keep coming here and because you are having trouble getting it together by yourself, you might want to consider going to AA or similar.
You mentioned family, but in order to get sober - you need to do this for yourself. You are the one that is in control of this journey, the buck stops with you. When you are done with alcohol, you will be done.... I know that sounds simple but it really it really is....
One day at a time - don't drink to day.
Don't think too far into the future and don't dwell on the past, both of these things do you no good in recovery.
I wish you well and hope for the sake of your children you can do this
Welcome to SR
I think you have pretty much answered your own questions. You know your life has become unmanageable due to alcohol. You just need to want to be sober more than you want to drink. Drinking "just a little" will not be possible any more.
You can have the old you back again, and better because you will learn so much about yourself through recovery. Keep coming here and because you are having trouble getting it together by yourself, you might want to consider going to AA or similar.
You mentioned family, but in order to get sober - you need to do this for yourself. You are the one that is in control of this journey, the buck stops with you. When you are done with alcohol, you will be done.... I know that sounds simple but it really it really is....
One day at a time - don't drink to day.
Don't think too far into the future and don't dwell on the past, both of these things do you no good in recovery.
I wish you well and hope for the sake of your children you can do this
2nd chance at a 1st cl*** life
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: San Jose, Ca
Posts: 492
Once my drinking got out of control, meaning I no longer controlled my drinking, my drinking controlled me I sought out help. I wanted to be able to be a normal drinker again as well. But that is the obsession every alcoholic has. I went to AA because my life was unmanagable and of course, my drinking was out of control. It worked for me, I'm 11 months sober now. I will never be able to control my drinking again, believe me I tried it twice again before I completely immersed myself into AA. I'm also 28 I have two kids and I just couldn't go on living the way I was. I was drinking heavy and smoking pot daily. My kiss deserve much more than what I was. I'm sure you feel the same way about your little ones. My suggestion would be to give AA a try. If you dont like it you don't have to stay. There is also another program called the SMART recovery program that is not God based if you would prefer that. For me I felt needed a miracle from God to save me. I considered myself an athiest before I went to AA, not because i didn't believe in God but because i turned my back on him at a young age and blamed him for all my problems. But you know what, we all have issues in our life and he never turned his back on me. Like i said I'm 11 months clsan and sober, I couldn't have done it on my own. Believe me I've tried countless times getting maybe 4 months at the most before I was drinking and using again. I wish you luck and hope that you find your path to recovery.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 20
Thank you so much thisisforellie,
Thats the plan today ;-), no drinking, no last minute trips to the store, a lot of reading on this site. Your post is gonna make me cry. But I need to read it. And a lot more like it, so keep em coming...A couple weeks ago i was mad at myself for drinking during my pregnancy..then decided if I couldnt stop for her, then Im not gonna stop for myself, then decided to drink more to punish myself....Funny where drunk rationale will get you huh? Your post reiterates that by stopping now Im still doing it for her. I get that...
Thats the plan today ;-), no drinking, no last minute trips to the store, a lot of reading on this site. Your post is gonna make me cry. But I need to read it. And a lot more like it, so keep em coming...A couple weeks ago i was mad at myself for drinking during my pregnancy..then decided if I couldnt stop for her, then Im not gonna stop for myself, then decided to drink more to punish myself....Funny where drunk rationale will get you huh? Your post reiterates that by stopping now Im still doing it for her. I get that...
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,237
You can cuss and be vocal
by using symbols on ur key
board....for example.....
sh*t....lol Cr#p....
Fubed up, or shoots..
You get the picture?
There's a lot of folks here
that have similar stories
as you as you will see in
each of their shares.
Each one has a program
to live on a daily bases
to help them stay sober
or clean.
You will notice that here
in sober recovery you are
never alone.
Never do you ever have
to go thru anything alone
again. Including finding
the new sober you.
Get your walking shoes
ready and be prepared
to travel the road of recovery
which will be a journey of
a life time that is happy,
joyous and free.
Welcome..!
by using symbols on ur key
board....for example.....
sh*t....lol Cr#p....
Fubed up, or shoots..
You get the picture?
There's a lot of folks here
that have similar stories
as you as you will see in
each of their shares.
Each one has a program
to live on a daily bases
to help them stay sober
or clean.
You will notice that here
in sober recovery you are
never alone.
Never do you ever have
to go thru anything alone
again. Including finding
the new sober you.
Get your walking shoes
ready and be prepared
to travel the road of recovery
which will be a journey of
a life time that is happy,
joyous and free.
Welcome..!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Arkansas
Posts: 157
I don't think any of my friends really knew I had a drinking problem. Nor family either for that matter. I was a "bunker drinker".....bunkered myself in my apartment every night. Some of them knew "something" was wrong with me, and my parents probably suspected alcohol, but I was never approached by anyone. Not until right towards the end that is.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,772
I know when something in my life is not right. And this is not right
You are correct that 'something is not right'. I put alcohol ahead of my kids for a while until I realized I needed to stop drinking completely. I'm just coming up on a year sober but I've struggled with quitting for the last three years... I didn't 'get it' right off the bat...
You're smart to stop now while you're still young and relatively undamaged; physically, mentally, and legally.
I'm glad you found us and joined the family! Welcome to the best recovery site everywhere.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Great Outdoors
Posts: 1,992
Sasha Welcome! That drunk ration thinking will get you no where. What works for me may not work for others. Once I got past detoxing all the vile poison that alcohol is I had to deal with the mind game. Every time my lush side would tap on my shoulder I had to dig in and remember all the horrible things that I thought or did while drunk. I like to use all the times I ended up with horrible bruises and I couldn't remember what I did..it was all from lurching around trying to walk when I was too drunk. Or gonking my head on an end table after taking a drunken spill. Could have killed myself. Hateful things I said or did. The lush side doesn't even have a chance making her presence known when I use this tactic. I am an all or nothing lady. I did a moderation experiment. Won't even tell you the outcome of that dumb move. Anyway..once you get past detoxing it is all a big mind game. I have two sides now. Drunken Cooter (killing her off as we speak) and sober Cooter. Sounds dumb..works for me. Hope to hear more from you!!!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,416
Hi again Sasha
welcome back
lots of good advice here...I'll just add that I struggled for 15 years - I started to move forward when I accepted I could not drink alcohol, and still be who I knew I could be.
D
welcome back
lots of good advice here...I'll just add that I struggled for 15 years - I started to move forward when I accepted I could not drink alcohol, and still be who I knew I could be.
D
Grateful Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: MI
Posts: 1,080
Hey Sasha!! Welcome to SR! This is the best place for you until you decide what face to face recovery program will work for you. I'm also a mom, and I'd just like to tell you that I put my drinking before my kids plenty. My kids are teenagers, and it always put me out anytime I had to pick them up somewhere later at night, because I couldn'[t drink like i wanted to. I've been sober 27 days now, with the help of AA, and my relationship with my kids has never been better. I want to be a good example for my kids as they ease into the social situations where they are exposed to alcohol and drugs.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 20
Thank you all for the encouragement! Would like to say today was great but ill just be honest and say i made it to this point and no boos...Did a little shopping today then me n hubby went to see a movie. I read all your posts during the previews from my phone. Thanks again. Think I will fight on. 2 tylenols and im ready for bed.
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