lostmyway

I have tried to quit drinking probably a thousand times, no exaggeration. I had what, God willing, will be my last drunk on Monday night. I spent yesterday with the misery of another hangover. Now I am really, truly sick and tired of being sick and tired. I have used up so much energy playing the game of alcoholism...I'm not an alcoholic, I am an alcoholic, I can moderate my drinking, I can't moderate my drinking. It's exhausting. Alcohol is bigger and stronger than me, and I realize I am no match for it. There is something with the way I am wired that is different than those who can have a drink or two socially...once I start, I cannot stop. My alcoholism has gotten progressively worse over the years. The amount of drinking that used to satisfy me no longer does the trick, and at the end once I started drinking I didn't even try to stop, I would just continue until blacking out. If that doesn't indicate a problem, I don't know what does. Maybe instead of skewing my perception of life, I will just accept life on life's terms. Even if life is horrible at times, it can't be as bad as when I was drinking. Today I am a mess, completely anxiety ridden. I am so filled with guilt over being an alcoholic and a mom to a four year old and a 13 month old, knowing I am not there for my kids the way I should be, knowing that I have wasted days not being the best mom I could be because I was hungover. I'm done. The longest period of sobriety I have ever had was 30 days and it was so hard, it felt like an eternity (I was sober for my pregnancies, of course, but that was not so much a choice as something that had to be done.) Now I really am done. I'm thinking of making a meeting tonight but I am so embarrased to see the people in AA again. They will know I failed and they might think I am not serious about getting sober ("Oh, here she is again.") I feel badly for not responding to calls from AA folks who were trying to help me. But I don't know where else to get support, so maybe it is just time to face the music. Have a great day everyone.

SDSurfn

lostmyway, you are not alone. I could have posted this. It is EXACTLY where I have finally found myself with booze after 27 long years.

I, too, have much shame and guilt because I know at times I have not been the dad my 6-year old boy wants and needs. It tears me up inside.

Which is why I'm done. No more. 11 days sober and a bright sober future ahead.

Stick around, read and post, you will find much support and understanding here. I know I have.

All the best,

-SD

SDSurfn

whoops, i just noticed you're not newbie, you've been here far longer than me! oh well, welcome anyway! hahaha

lostmyway

LOL, no problem...I joined during one of my many battles with this disease, and unfortunately have not made much progress almost a year later. Sad. But, it does pretty much make me still a newbie!

johndelko408

There are some people in AA that will indeed speak of you in the way you indicated behind your back, but not all. The ones that do are the ones that don't practice the 12 principles of AA. I like you was embarrassed to return after I fell of the wagon, so it took me a while to muster the courage to go back. The problem was that I continued to drink as opposed to just get back into the rooms. Your always welcome in AA if you have that desire to stop drinking, which you do. I was damn tired of being sick and tired. I have two little ones and they are are my reason for being sober, they deserve so much better than an active drunk for a father. I really suggest to not worry about going back to AA, the real AAers will be glad you returned. It's our responsibility to welcome people that come in the rooms, we can only keep the gift of sobriety by giving it away. You mentioned that people from the rooms would call you and you'd ignore the calls. That in itself is proof that there are people that want to help and offer you support. We know that we can't do this on our own, I couldn't. But hey, I'm going on 11 months sober. To me thats amazing cause I could manage to get at the most 4 months before I fell off the wagon. Your not alone in this mess, God is always with you. You know what you need to do, so do it. Use your kids as your strength and motivation, that's what I do. I wish you luck, and honestly hope you make it back to the rooms. Those rooms save many lives, they saved mine.

coop1

Hey Lost, I think this story applies to many of us here. Can't tell you all the tried to quit and failed stories in my 20+ year drinking career. You are here today, that's what counts. If anyone can understand about falling down and getting back up it's fellow alkies. Hang in there, it can get better.

bellakeller

I started my path when my kids were a little older than yours. It took a while but now I have over a year sober and things are so much better. I scared the living daylights out of my children with my drinking and I am sure they will remember - something I have to live with the rest of my life. But as long as I don't pour alcohol on the situation, I don't make anything worse than it should be.

Life is unmanageable sometimes even without alcohol. Sometimes it blows me away that we keep falling for the notion that this poison can make anything better. I just don't ask why anymore. The question is pointless and I ran out of the time and the luxury to even entertain the question.

I just do what the others who have done this successfully before me tell me to do. Sometimes I let them do my thinking for me because my best thinking when I was using just drove this whole Popsicle stand called my life into a ditch and at least now I have some people in my life who know how to navigate. I found these folks through rehab, AA and also through counseling.

Even on my worst days sober, at the very least I can be "all there" for my kids. They deserve to have a mother who is present with them; not a drunk who is either out to lunch or hungover or obsessing over how to get the next drink and how to outwit or hide from those around me. It takes so much more effort to live the way I was living when I was drinking, believe it or not. I just quit digging.

Best of luck to you. We're here.

Much love.

PS - What anyone thinks of you is none of your dern business.

LawMama

Welcome back. Try not to beat yourself up, just look ahead moment by moment. I'll echo others who said don't worry about going back to AA. People do it all the time, and if anyone has a problem they aren't following the BB. This is not a personal defect and what you are doing is characteristic of the disease. My guess is most of them understand that and LOTS of them have been in and out too. It takes some of us several tries. (most of us?)

I relate to your mommy guilt....I felt the same way before I was able to maintain a couple months of sober time. Just know that a). your children will love their mother no matter what b). you have an opportunity each day to be a better momma than before and c). God or your HP or whatever you want to call it loves you and your kiddos.

heretoday

I'm really with you here, pleading with yourself on whether or not your drinking is a problem.
I know we can get through this though, everything is going to be OK!

startingagain

I can completely relate to you. I think feeling awful is actually good because then, there's no getting around the fact that YES, IT IS THAT BAD! I hope you find the strength you need to power through. It's SOOOO not easy.

Itchy

Lost,
See them today at AA. They will be so glad to see you! Forgive yourself, but never forget yourself.

It seems that maybe this time you have finally gotten that it is forever not 30 days, and that you will never be a drinker of even one. That isn't giving anything up. It is gaining the world back, and is an adventure instead. Nothing easy is an adventure. It is also mostly perception and interpretation. I haven't lost drinking, I have gained sobriety.

Example.
Two people go skydiving for the first time. Both jump out of the plane together. One screams all the way down, delighted by the adrenaline rush, the new feelings of flying, the intense body reaction to danger with the intellectual knowledge that he/she is safe.

The other screams for only an instant in sheer terror and passes out but lands relatively safe with a sprained ankle and bruises because the altitude device opened his/her chute automatically.

Both experienced the exact same thing. Both had the exact same training and preparation. Both felt the same sensations. But their reaction and perceptions were vastly different. One missed out on the whole thing and went back to normal for them.

We make our own realities based on our fears and desires. Or alcohol does it for us and we miss the whole trip down. Alcohol does not have an altitude device.

thisisforellie

I am right there with you. I finally realized that the best way I could be a good mother to my daughter was to be the best person I could be for myself. Does this make sense?
The healthier I am (sober), the better mother I can be. This surprised me -- I realized that my child was offering me a better life just by needing the best from me. Amazingly, the reward is then two-fold!
A 'healthy me' means alot of things, but most importantly it means a 'sober me'.
When I do this for Ellie, I also do this for myself. Good thing too -- before her, I oftentimes didn't have enough 'self-love' to do good things for myself. Now that there is someone else, it is easier.

Dee74

Good to see you back lostmyway

Do go back to AA - this is not about them - it's about you.

You can be the person you want to be, and have the life you want - but you need to stop drinking first. Get all the support you can

D

least

I'm glad you're trying again. Next month I'll have a year sober... but I decided to stop drinking three years ago next month... so you see, it took me a couple years to finally 'get it'.

Don't give up until you 'get it'. Sobriety is so worth the effort. My life is great these days - same ol' problems, but whole new attitude. You can do this. Do'nt give up!!

lostmyway

Thanks everyone. I did make a meeting tonight. I didn't share...I'm not ready yet. But it's a start, and I did walk away a more peaceful person than when I went in.

lulu70

((((Lost)))) You know, the woman I admired most in my AA meetings was the one who seemed to struggle the most. She has been in and out of AA for 20 years! She's had periods of sobriety as long as 5 years, but has somehow ended up back on the booze. But she keeps coming back to AA. Why do I admire her? Because she has the courage and committment to keep trying. That is admirable. And she is going to get it. Each time she comes back she gets stronger.

Hang in there. Glad you're here!!!