should i persue a new romantic relationship?
2nd chance at a 1st cl*** life
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: San Jose, Ca
Posts: 492
should i persue a new romantic relationship?
I've been in recovery for 10 months and I know I should not peruse any sort of romantic relationship until I get at least a year under my belt and I'm not going to until I get that year. I'm confused about my divorce with my wife. Initially she told me we could talk about rekindling our romance once I've gotten that year. We don't live together and she's a normie. She goes out a lot with her friends on the weekends which leads me to believe she is perusing a new relarionship or that she is already in one. I can respect that if she is because during my drinking career I was going out to the bars and flirting with other women, not because I was seeking another woman, but to make myself feel better about myself in the sense that I was still desirable in the eyes of other women. This was because my wife and I were already getting divorced for financial and legal reasons, but we were still romanticaly involved. But my alcoholic mind was telling me that she just didn't love me or want to be with me anymore and that she was just stringing me along until the divorce was finalized. Two summers ago I was at a festival with my wife and her friends. At that time my wife and I weren't living together and I was trying to hide my drinking. The guys that were there with my wifes friends were talking about going to a bar afterward and I agreed to meet them there. Like I said I was trying to hide my drinking so I told my wife afterward I was going home. Well her friends ended up showing up to that bar after I was deep in to my drinking and I ended up getting caught by her friends. I was at a bar dancing with some other woman and apparently she was kissing on my neck and grabbing my nether regions; I can't deny or confirm this because I was a blackout drinker and was in a blackout that night. Lately I've been really feeling that my wife (our divorce still isn't finalized) is involved in a relationship with another man, so much so that the thought has even been invading my dreams. She's told me on many occasions that she has absolutely no interest in men being that I hurt her. But yet I have my doubts. I still love my wife with all my heart, she's the mother of my children and other than my sobriety there is nothing I want more than to be a family again. Part of me is telling me to wait and try to rekindle my relationship with my wife. Another part of me is saying to just give up on her and to persue a new relationship once I get to a year of sobriety. Like I said I still want to be with my wife but i dont want to hang on if there's nothing there. Anytime I brought up "us" to her she would get mad at me and say that I'm not giving her a chance to heal, this was at the beginning of my recovery. She now also says that she would need therapy to get over the pain I've caused and that's out of the question because there is no way we could afford it. To me it sounds like she is just making excuses to not be with me ever again. My year of sobriety hasnt arrived yet, I've got a little less than 2 months to go. But I feel like I'm at my wits end and that any hope for her and I is long gone. I really don't know how she feels but I feel that she has already made up her mind about me, that she is done. I don't know if I should not lose my hope for us and try to persue a relationship with her when I get my year or if I should just give up and persue a new relationship when I get my year. Guys, what would you do? Gals what do you recommend I do? Like I said I don't want to hold on if there isn't anything there but I don't want to bring it up to her for fear that she'll get mad at me again. I need
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 336
Hey John, wanna try giving this to your HP and see what happens? In the meantime, your footwork should include continuing to do the next right thing, right?
In your comments I hear a bit of despair and uncertainty. Try not to let that get to you. Slow back down to today. You still have a couple months to go!
In your comments I hear a bit of despair and uncertainty. Try not to let that get to you. Slow back down to today. You still have a couple months to go!
2nd chance at a 1st cl*** life
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: San Jose, Ca
Posts: 492
Dee, trust me I've tried. But I'm gonna wait till I get a year under my belt and ask her if she wants to do counseling. It's actually offered at the church I attend.... I started attending church about two months ago. Once I got more spiritual in the program i decided to give church a try and I liked it.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 218
I agree with other posters who said first step is to turn it over to your higher power but as we all know that is SO much easier said than done.
That being said, 12 months is arbitrary. You probably shouldn't pursue a new romantic relationship until you have moved on from your wife, and considering you don't know for sure what will happen with that....probably not fair to bring another woman into it in two months or otherwise.
Good luck.
That being said, 12 months is arbitrary. You probably shouldn't pursue a new romantic relationship until you have moved on from your wife, and considering you don't know for sure what will happen with that....probably not fair to bring another woman into it in two months or otherwise.
Good luck.
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It sounds to me like she's been pretty clear with you that she wants to wait the full year. I'd respect that and try not to drive yourself crazy in the meantime (which I know is hard).
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Northern California
Posts: 204
Year or no year, whether or not your wife wants to reconcile, do you think it would be fair to bring a new woman into this? Not many of us want to lie in bed next to a man whose dreams are about about his ex seeing other men.
It doesn't seem the options should be wife or new girl, they should be wife or working on yourself until you're ready for new girl.
It doesn't seem the options should be wife or new girl, they should be wife or working on yourself until you're ready for new girl.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: CA desert
Posts: 1,599
Hey John,
Seems a bit to me that you're putting the cart before the horse, no offense meant.
One statement that stood out to me in your post is that you could not afford therapy for your wife?
After what you've stated, I would think the opposite would be true, that's there's no way you could not afford therapy for your wife, especially if the therapy were to help her heal. Isn't that what you want? Or do you just want her back?
As I reread your post, I noticed it said that the therapy would be to help her "get over the pain I've caused". Wouldn't that be the most loving thing you could do for her?
Forget the other ladies for now, you still have a wife and kids that have been traumatized from your behavior. Heal that wound first. Then proceed as providence dictates. Then you can move forward knowing you did all you could do, regardless of the outcome.
Just a couple things to think about.
Seems a bit to me that you're putting the cart before the horse, no offense meant.
One statement that stood out to me in your post is that you could not afford therapy for your wife?
After what you've stated, I would think the opposite would be true, that's there's no way you could not afford therapy for your wife, especially if the therapy were to help her heal. Isn't that what you want? Or do you just want her back?
As I reread your post, I noticed it said that the therapy would be to help her "get over the pain I've caused". Wouldn't that be the most loving thing you could do for her?
Forget the other ladies for now, you still have a wife and kids that have been traumatized from your behavior. Heal that wound first. Then proceed as providence dictates. Then you can move forward knowing you did all you could do, regardless of the outcome.
Just a couple things to think about.
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 3,095
Originally Posted by johndelko408 
Nope, I'm working on my ninth step.
I don't know if this is the case for you or not, but oftentimes 'working on' a step is code for 'sitting on my butt'. Make appointments and knock on doors. That action will do more to improve your relationships that any working on relationships.
2nd chance at a 1st cl*** life
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: San Jose, Ca
Posts: 492
I did do a sexual inventory, but I'm not sure if it is though enough. I basically wrote down that I'm no longer going to be selfish about sex. You know not doing it just because I want to, to make sure my partner wants it as well and to make sure I'm not promiscuous. I know in the past with my wife we've done it because I was in the mood, because I wanted to even though she wasn't particularly in the mood. Is there more that I should be doing? I honestly don't have the desire to be with any other women, I might be attracted to other women but I don't want to go to bed with them. I really want my wife to be the last woman I'm ever with.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Toronto, ON
Posts: 1,591
John, one thing I notice is that you have this idea that there is a magic line after One Year, and that there is a massive difference between Ten Months and One Year. Then I think about how your wife would get exasperated and say you're not giving her a chance to heal. And then there is also your attachment to her on one hand and the desire to switch to a brand new path of romance if in fact it is not going to go anywhere with her. What I am seeing is like an ON/OFF switch in the way you think. We don't have hopes and dreams and relationships with a snap of the fingers or the tearing down of an old month on the calendar. We grow gradually.
The way you are looking at things seems choppy to me, and it makes me nervous when you keep saying "once I get that one year behind me." I just had mine, and it wasn't a magic thing for me, life didn't suddenly turn a page. Stuff is in progress, not switched on or off.
This makes me wonder whether you need to cool down on the topic of pursuing romance. I think you are seeing romance as a kind of attainment to sustain yourself. I think that is what we all need in some way, but there is a difference between naturally getting into relationships and wanting it so that you are complete. I don't blame you if you have an issue with that, because I had a hard time with relationships. I didn't grasp the idea of being two complete people coming together instead of becoming complete as a result of a relationship (the line from the Tom Cruise movie is BS).
There might be a sense of "getting on with your life" that is bothering you, that you feel like you are not getting far enough. I am not one to talk, since I have not taken the route of completing the Steps (and don't even have them memorized), but I am guessing that getting through your Steps will give you more of what you are looking for than the things you are talking about here.
I guess what I want to impress on you is a way to value what is going on inside you for your sake. It seems like you are taking your eyes off something in your journey and need to be guided a little bit. No idea what your sponsor would say.
What do you think about that?
The way you are looking at things seems choppy to me, and it makes me nervous when you keep saying "once I get that one year behind me." I just had mine, and it wasn't a magic thing for me, life didn't suddenly turn a page. Stuff is in progress, not switched on or off.
This makes me wonder whether you need to cool down on the topic of pursuing romance. I think you are seeing romance as a kind of attainment to sustain yourself. I think that is what we all need in some way, but there is a difference between naturally getting into relationships and wanting it so that you are complete. I don't blame you if you have an issue with that, because I had a hard time with relationships. I didn't grasp the idea of being two complete people coming together instead of becoming complete as a result of a relationship (the line from the Tom Cruise movie is BS).
There might be a sense of "getting on with your life" that is bothering you, that you feel like you are not getting far enough. I am not one to talk, since I have not taken the route of completing the Steps (and don't even have them memorized), but I am guessing that getting through your Steps will give you more of what you are looking for than the things you are talking about here.
I guess what I want to impress on you is a way to value what is going on inside you for your sake. It seems like you are taking your eyes off something in your journey and need to be guided a little bit. No idea what your sponsor would say.
What do you think about that?
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 3,095
John, I'd ask you to look at your last post and count up the number of 'I want' and 'I don't want' statements.
You realize that the sex inventory has very little to do with sex and a whole lot to do with how I relate to other people?
What is the payoff for loving someone? I used to think that the payoff was that they would love me back. I give and I get, fair square and even Steven. Sounds nice and all. But that isn't what I've found after a spiritual awakening.
The payoff for loving someone is that I get to love someone. Say it out loud, slowly to yourself. The payoff for loving you is that I get to love you. That's it.
When I can enter a relationship with that lack of demand on another, I stand a chance of having it not be a selfish deal.
You realize that the sex inventory has very little to do with sex and a whole lot to do with how I relate to other people?
What is the payoff for loving someone? I used to think that the payoff was that they would love me back. I give and I get, fair square and even Steven. Sounds nice and all. But that isn't what I've found after a spiritual awakening.
The payoff for loving someone is that I get to love someone. Say it out loud, slowly to yourself. The payoff for loving you is that I get to love you. That's it.
When I can enter a relationship with that lack of demand on another, I stand a chance of having it not be a selfish deal.
2nd chance at a 1st cl*** life
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: San Jose, Ca
Posts: 492
Toronto,
My sponsor wants me to get back with my wife. He knows how I feel about her and how much I miss her because he sees the tears in my eyes whenever we talk about her.
Keith,
I can understand what you are saying, because that's how I feel about my kids. I look st it as I'm fortunate enough to get to love them. I guess I'm having a very tough time in dealing with the holidays and I yearn for the intamicy. I don't mean the sex, but just the love and connection, I'm a guy if i want to be satisfied sexually I can do it myself.
I know that I still have an alcoholic mind and that my ways of thinking are not fully spiritual. It's tough cause I know I really miss my wife and kids. I know that there is no magic line at one year, its just that what she's told me that she wants me to have before we can possibly reconcile. The toughest part of recovery that I'm dealing with is the whole "living in today". I have a tough time not thinking about the future.
My sponsor wants me to get back with my wife. He knows how I feel about her and how much I miss her because he sees the tears in my eyes whenever we talk about her.
Keith,
I can understand what you are saying, because that's how I feel about my kids. I look st it as I'm fortunate enough to get to love them. I guess I'm having a very tough time in dealing with the holidays and I yearn for the intamicy. I don't mean the sex, but just the love and connection, I'm a guy if i want to be satisfied sexually I can do it myself.
I know that I still have an alcoholic mind and that my ways of thinking are not fully spiritual. It's tough cause I know I really miss my wife and kids. I know that there is no magic line at one year, its just that what she's told me that she wants me to have before we can possibly reconcile. The toughest part of recovery that I'm dealing with is the whole "living in today". I have a tough time not thinking about the future.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Toronto, ON
Posts: 1,591
OK, thanks for replying. I don't know what to say to your sponsor's line of thinking. I am not one to cast asunder relationships per se either. But I am just looking at what is giong on inside you. I can't do better than you at being a family man (I don't have one). So I wouldn't be able to advise too much on how to live in the current day with that kind of context.
There are certain topics that will bring tears to my eyes, and some of the recent ones have to do with what I feel when I think about what I am worth. Or how I am capable of certain achievements, yet snuggle up to the option of not doing them. Self-esteem, fear; pride and pride inside-out....I guess the list could keep going.
I don't have the answers, but something tells me there is more good work to do on yourself, and I am not trying to take away what has already been done.
There are certain topics that will bring tears to my eyes, and some of the recent ones have to do with what I feel when I think about what I am worth. Or how I am capable of certain achievements, yet snuggle up to the option of not doing them. Self-esteem, fear; pride and pride inside-out....I guess the list could keep going.
I don't have the answers, but something tells me there is more good work to do on yourself, and I am not trying to take away what has already been done.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
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Originally Posted by johndelko408
Toronto,
My sponsor wants me to get back with my wife. He knows how I feel about her and how much I miss her because he sees the tears in my eyes whenever we talk about her.
My sponsor wants me to get back with my wife. He knows how I feel about her and how much I miss her because he sees the tears in my eyes whenever we talk about her.
I've used my sponsor as a sounding board many times, and I guarantee he always steers me back into 'today', and he shares his own personal experiences in regards to what I might be going through at the time.
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