NEOMARXIST

Just listened to some music which I used to always listen to when chasing the high that I felt with me and my old best mate on our sessions. We would listen to music and just drink and take drugs and just generally try to reach the point of just being just too high to do anything but lie back leaning on the wall and just smiling at each other in acknowledgement of the incredible euphoria that we felt, I remember the time when we were in a kitchen at about 5.30am and evrybody else had either left or flaked out, and we were there drinking and sharing the same trip; seeing the same hallucinations and stuff, it was magical but at the same time there was always a sense for me of being on a sinking ship but not wanting it to go down, but knowing it was going to.

When I moved back home then I continued to try to reach those feelings for 2.5 years. Needless to say that I just ended up becoming a total coke head and my alcoholism turning even darker and really starting to feel the consequences, both mentally and physically, of my drink and drug use. legal stuff, unemployment etc.

I can remember the last time I listened to this particualr music and I was with a mate of mine in my room and I was taking loads of BZP pills and drinking stupid amounts of vodka and 7.5% perry and lager. I remember the madness of my behaviour and I bought a gram of Coke before the session and needless to say i went and bought another 2. I remember really knowing it was coming to an end and I was a real mess for about 3 days after that session. I remember the euphoria from the combination of drugs and booze seemed more addictive than ever, I could see how I could easily lose my life over cocaine and booze and was experiencing strong cravings to change the method of administering the Cocaine, and I knew that my Coke use had progressed to the stage where injecting/smoking was what my brain was screaming for, I knew that I had to get out.

Needless to say that it was about another 4/5 months untill finally got sober. Undoubtedly I did use more Cocaine and my booze intake was also even higher on my binges. My use of drugs definately sped up my acceptance of my alcoholism, my cocaine use really caused me a lot of facial/sinus pain, and still does 16+ months on, I don't think people realise how snorting loads over a relatively short period can really damage your nose/sinuses. I would be in terrible pain all week but as soon as i drank then i was totally powerless over buying coke, and i would suffer terribly for it after a few days with the pain.

I am grateful that I reahced the stage that i reached when I did. I am comfortable with being an alcoholic and it's a part of myself that I embrace, this is something which i feel important for my sobriety. I had some great times on booze and drugs and I wouldn't change my experinces for the world, but I'm grateful that I battered myself down to the stage where they were long since over. I knew that I was done with drink and drugs, there was nothing left other than pain and suffering.

Grateful to be an alcoholic and addict.

peace

SDSurfn

Thanks for sharing.

I have been a drinker for 27 years, a hardcore drunk for about 17 years.

I've had family troubles, work troubles, financial troubles, and legal troubles. Everyone caused by my inability to stay sober.

What you wrote is exactly where I am at with alcohol. There is indeed nothing left other than pain and suffering.

I'm only Day 5 but posts like yours give me strength and hope.

Thanks,

SD

NEOMARXIST

Just got back from a really good AA meeting. It's really nice to be able to just turn up to different meetings and know people there from other meetings and get talking and stuff. It was great tonight and afterwards had some great discussions outside before we went home. The feeling and positve joy of talking about recovery that me and this other bloke had and the hope that I could see in this other young bloke whose a couple of weeks sober was fantastic.

It truly is far more rewarding and gratifying than trying to chase an artificial euphoric high and the great thing is that there is no awful comedown to run away from, rather just a great warm feeling of contentment and peace.

Great way to spend a Thursday night and every Thursday night a few years ago was spent in town getting wasted as it's pound a pint night on Thursdays.

grateful to be an alcoholic and grateful to be sober. One day at a time.

Peace

Hevyn

Sdsurfn - It's wonderful you found your way here. It takes courage to face what we've become and dig our way out.

Neo - It never fails to amaze me how young you were when you first came here, yet you knew what had to be done. As I've told you, when I was your age I was oblivious to the dangers - just kept on trying to control it - anything to hold onto the euphoria you speak of. When it became elusive, I tried all that much harder - with disastrous results. All the wasted years, money spent, relationships ruined. How I wish I'd known there was "Nothing left but pain and suffering" before my world collapsed.

Thank you Neo for another meaningful & helpful post. Just when I think it's all been said, you come up with more wisdom for us all to share.

least

I kept chasing the high I couldn't get anymore until exhaustion got me and made me stop the chasing of something that was no longer there. I'm so glad I don't need to feel like that anymore. Thanks, as always.

johndelko408

I feel you on the nose problems from hittin up to much bugga suga. I use to sell it in high school. Always had loads of yowder (picked up an oz every week) and always had money. I was personally hittin up an 8 ball at least on a daily basis. I was selling out one of my old using buds house. Everyday I'd drop a 1/4 oz on the glass and start lining it up waiting for people to call for bags. My nasal lining became so thin that when I'd lean over to hit a rail, my nose would start spilling blood like an open faucet. I learned quickly if I didn't want have to flush my blow that I had to put my rails on a separate glass. I got to the point where I started turning grey on a daily basis, close to ODing. I smoked a lot of pot too so twisting up fattys lased with coke was done daily. The effect it had on my nose was I'd have to say somewhat detrimental. I still have a very sensitive nose. It doesn't bleed anymore but is still sensitive to the touch. I can't say that I miss those days. I had a lot of cash, parties hard but didn't particularly like having to carry a gun at 17 just so I wouldn't get robbed. I got jacked once, by some guy I knew in high school, after that is when i bought the gun I had, determined not to ever let it happen again. I was young and dumb and I'm fortunate to be alive. The people I used to deal with on a daily basis were the type to kill just to get their fix. Not the lifestyle I ever want to lead again.

WatchTheSky

From a young alcoholic who is realizing there's no high left to chase... thank you.

coffeenut

Watch the Sky.....perfectly said.

Thanks, Neo.