michelebelle

how do you deal with shame?

When I am drunk I am the cherfull, too much exprsing loving, warm feelings type. You know the one who loves everybody, show affection, have this funny urge to rise someone's spirit, talks too much, and opens so much...and of course acts in many ways too openly. Ugh, it makes me just puke.

I loose the criteria with whom I am talking and what about about. So I find my self talking to a person I would never talk sober with, about some private stuff, or people I love and their stuff. I share with them mine and others intimacy and vulnerability.

I am totaly different person when I am sober. I am moderate, stabile, oposite of too open, very carefull and selective about showing affection and sharing personal life.

So, beside being laughed at behind my back for talking nonsence, repating the same sentence again and again, walking and talking...you know like I a drunk person :-), when I wake up the day after I am so ashamed and feel naked and vulnerable for being so open with people who are just happy to see me and hear me so pathetic.

I know many people, who would pretend to be your friends, and would never say you the truth, how pathetic you are, but instead would encourage you to drink so you can give them the time of their life, so they can look better in their own eyes.

Today, I think more about what others think of me, and how pathetic and funny I must look in their eyes. How they talk behind my back, pretending to be worried about me, while the truth is they don't give a s..t about me, they just had a one man show.

The problem is when I am drunk I transform to a person who is totally opposite of my true self, I transform to person I hate and I would agree with the above mentioned persons.

The only difference is that I never laughed or humiliated anybody. I was always humble and cautious when judging other people, because I know that no body choses to be somebody's mockery, people have their own issues and their own devils they have to fight. People are miserable for lot of reasons and nobody choses to be miserable. My illness tought me that well.

I would like to become stronger when dealing with these people in future. I will have to meet them all somewhere, all those people who met this "chereful" me sooner or late,r and today I am just thinking about if I will ever manage to leave the past behind and confront them with some dignity.

I hope this will change and I will become stronger person in days of my recovery that are to come.

Today is such a hard day and it feels like it will never end. Posting here is keeping me not to totaly fall apart. Tnx

Dime

Thanks for posting that. It reminds me of how I was when I drank and how I would get the "creepies" the next day worrying about things I had said and done while drunk. Relief from shame is a slow process that comes about through our actions in recovery. I found that I could not think myself into feeling better. Sobriety has given me the piece of mind that I no longer continue to collect the baggage I used to when I drank.

Hang in there, it really does get better!

Dee74

Hi Michelebelle

Believe it or not people have short memories. I was the neighbourhood drunk, I was *that* drunk uncle....I got sober and I stayed that way, I turned my life around - and now by and large people see me for who I am today, not who I was.

None of us can do anything about what we did last night, last week, last month - focus on today Michele

D

AmericanGirl

You will. Meeting them again will happen slowly, hopefully, piece by piece, and you can see how they will see you anew as time keeps going. Remember that a lot of the anxiety you feel about how they perceive you is related to the drinking -- at least, it was for me. I used to worry endlessly about what people thought about my actions . . . now my actions are tamer, sure, but sobriety has also made me understand that people aren't staying up late at night thinking about me and what I did, only I was -- I am not the center of the universe after all!

I related to a lot of what you said in your post, and I feel for you and the shame. Drinking also made me more talkative, extroverted, more "on." Often this also led to embarrassment like you said . . .and it always made me worried when I woke up and couldn't remember what I'd said.

I hope you feel better soon!

augustwest

i keep my focus on today and the things i can control, so that i don't do anything today that will cause more shame. I cannot change the past, and if i think about it too much i wont be doing the next right thing for myself and others today. dedicating myself to staying clean and working a 12-step program to the best of my ability is what i do about the shame. living clean and in adherence to spiritual principles is the best thing i can do today, for myself and to make amends for my past shameful behavior. and when the time comes i will have the opportunity to specifically make amends to all those people i have harmed.

ChangeIsGood123

I know an easy way for me to deal with the shame that comes from doing the things that shame me when I drink - I don't drink anymore. Plain and simple. Then there is nothing to worry about! Not sure where you are in your journey, but I wish you the best in your sobriety.

Draciack

Hi Michele

I remember that shame well - the shame of not being able to control my drinking, the shame of doing something out-of-character, the shame of blacking out and not realizing what I've done, and of course the cumulative effects of growing to hate myself and the person I had become. It took awhile but the shame went away with sober time and on some level I knew that alcohol made me insane: I was not a moral failure.

As far as other people...they get to believe what they want. It really is none of my business. Besides, the kind of people you mention are not worth getting to know any way.

As the quote goes: The people that mind don't matter. And the people that matter don't mind.

Ten0fnine

Don't "hope" it. KNOW it.

Thank you for sharing. Your honesty is appreciated. I'm terrible when it comes to the shame/self loathing issue. It's why I drank (drink) in the first place really.

Once I get some sober time under my belt, I'll probably get some therapy to address the underlying issues.

Until then, I just reaffirm that I'm doing the right thing, and becoming a better person who can be loved, and IS loved. Yeah, when I don't feel it.... sometimes it seems like a lie... But it's a better "lie" to tell myself than "I'm not an alcoholic".

Anna

Michelle, I did exactly the same thing, though it was long before I began to drink.

I had no boundaries in my life. I didn't know who to trust, and I didn't know what was appropriate or not. I was very fearful and I would confide in too many people, in the hope of calming myself. One of the best gifts of recovery has been to know that there are a few, just a few people who I confide in. I no longer feel the need to share all my thoughts with others. Basically, I am comfortable with myself.

pascal

I can so relate with your post. I too would talk to people I didn't even know about super personal stuff. I felt a lot of shame.

I always think of Jesus who loved the woman who was crying out of shame at his feet. I know he forgives and if he can then I can, too.

michelebelle

Thank you, you beautiful people, my people!

I'm so grateful for finding this forum, and meeting you. You make me strong and you clear my mind, help me get know myself better and distinguish important from unimportant.

I am starting to learn from this relapse. I'm analyzing what brought me back to drinking after 8 months of sobriety. Now I see how honesty, self acceptance, self love and constant work on myself are key issues for maintaining sobriety and living a fruitful, meaningful life.

Last time, I was occupied just with not taking a drink, but actually I was doing almost nothing on my inner growth and resolving issues that brought me to becoming an alcoholic at first place.

Alcoholism is progressive disease, so I suppose recovery must maintain progressive too, constant work and growth. This is the universal law - everything's is in constant process of change, nothing stays as it is, so we have to choose if we are going to change for better or worse.

I am very thankful to all of you for being here for me, you are my safe place and there are no words to describe how much I cherish finding it, after losing faith and hope that there is a safe place for me in this universe.

I'm sorry if my English is not so good because English is not my native language, but I believe I would be understood here even if I'm talking Martian :-)

Hugs to all,

Michelebelle

Stang

I don't worry about it it's past tense.

Ten0fnine

We're here Michelebelle. I find it useful to just type things out sometimes. I'm not very proficient with verbalizing my feelings, but I could drive these forums into the ground with word-heavy posts. Stick around. Read. Write. A lot of support can be found here to help you move onto your next step of sobriety.

And your English is better than mine, and I work in communications... lol

And.. thank YOU. =)

leo21

The other night in my group, the leader was talking about the past, consequenses, etc. He said something to the effect of, there is a reason rear view mirrors are much smaller than the windshield. Yeah, you need it to glance back here and there, but you have that big windhield to see everything in the now and ahead of you.

If you stare too long in the rearview mirror, you are likely to crash.

Isaiah

Michelebelle,

I find more and more in sobriety that I have some control over my emotions and thoughts about myself. It is hard to go up against instinct, but it can be done bit by bit to big results. There really is no good in holding onto shame. It doesn't help us stay sober.

And if you'd like to message not in English, parlez-vous français? Je aussi. Michele Belle semble tres français.

michelebelle

Mon Anglais est meilleur que mon Français. Mon français est de niveau et de "Je vais à l'école chaque jours le matin...", mais un grand merci, cher Isaiah...I'll just stick to English

Thank you all,

I went to a job interview today and I'VE GOT A JOB. It's amazing how others perceive me so diferently (strong, selfconfident etc...) than I percieve my self. Sometimes it makes me feel like one big fraud.

I am happy about this job, but at the same time I am so scared , feeling like I feel at this point. I will just try not to worry to much and take one day at a time.

Big to all of you. I couldn't have found confidence to leave a good impression today at this job interview if there weren't you.