desperate...again
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 65
desperate...again
Hi,
Just needed to talk to someone to feel less alone. I was in AA and sober for several months, but then I quit because honestly I realized I don't beleive in this program and specialy I lost faith in people there since I was 13th stepped and used and dumped by an old-timer, which as you suppose brought me back to drinking alcohol and using pills.
It is now several months how I am using again. The same old story, at first it was denial, I am not an alcoholic, I can take one or two drinks. My family and friends were more than happy at first when I quit AA, since I reminded them on their issues regarding alcohol abuse that they should deal with.
Now, after few days of of heavily drinking, my parents are almost not talking to me (they have to because I live with them) and call me with all ugly names that goes together with a drunk, especialy a woman alcoholic at my age with no family of her own and jobless.
Today, I finaly addmited to my self that I AM an alcoholic, for Gods sake, it would be a pure miracle not to become one, growing in typical disfunctional alcoholic family...I don't have intention to blame anyone for my alcoholism. In fact I consider my family good and supportive one in many ways, just not in issues concerning alcoholism...they are in their own denial, but they keep reminding me every day that I am a simple lazy, manipulative selfish scum and how my behaviour is going to kill them...That doesn help keep staying sober :-)
The point is, I know I have to stop using for my own wellbeing, and I really want that, I only look with sorrow at those sober months where I was full of selfconfidence and pride, feeling strong and worthy.
I want this day to be my first day of sobriety, I am alone, ashamed of myself, full of guilt, deffinetly don't wanna go back to AA, don't have any support system and I know how alcoholism is vicious, that there is a small chance I can make it on my own. I am afraid and scared of using again, I don't trust my self, don't have any selfconfidence...but also don't trust anybody else to turn to for some help.
Until few months ago, I was a true believer, I prayed every day and believed somebody is looking after me. Now, I am not even sure what I believe in...In short, I am desperate.
Tomorrow we have a big gathering in our home with loads of food and alcohol. I will have to pretend to be a happy puppy, while instead I just want not ever to have to leave my room again.
I've been at this place too many times, making promises to stop using and become a decent person, and then forgeting after few days how horible I felt.
I also have to go for a job interview tommorow or the day after tommorow. I really want and need that job. Everything is just a mess.
I invested all my energy in last 5 years to change myself, but here I am lower than I was before. I feel defeated and hopeless.
Today, I just want to vanish, to disapeare to desintegrate and become an air.
Tnx for listening,
Michelebelle
Just needed to talk to someone to feel less alone. I was in AA and sober for several months, but then I quit because honestly I realized I don't beleive in this program and specialy I lost faith in people there since I was 13th stepped and used and dumped by an old-timer, which as you suppose brought me back to drinking alcohol and using pills.
It is now several months how I am using again. The same old story, at first it was denial, I am not an alcoholic, I can take one or two drinks. My family and friends were more than happy at first when I quit AA, since I reminded them on their issues regarding alcohol abuse that they should deal with.
Now, after few days of of heavily drinking, my parents are almost not talking to me (they have to because I live with them) and call me with all ugly names that goes together with a drunk, especialy a woman alcoholic at my age with no family of her own and jobless.
Today, I finaly addmited to my self that I AM an alcoholic, for Gods sake, it would be a pure miracle not to become one, growing in typical disfunctional alcoholic family...I don't have intention to blame anyone for my alcoholism. In fact I consider my family good and supportive one in many ways, just not in issues concerning alcoholism...they are in their own denial, but they keep reminding me every day that I am a simple lazy, manipulative selfish scum and how my behaviour is going to kill them...That doesn help keep staying sober :-)
The point is, I know I have to stop using for my own wellbeing, and I really want that, I only look with sorrow at those sober months where I was full of selfconfidence and pride, feeling strong and worthy.
I want this day to be my first day of sobriety, I am alone, ashamed of myself, full of guilt, deffinetly don't wanna go back to AA, don't have any support system and I know how alcoholism is vicious, that there is a small chance I can make it on my own. I am afraid and scared of using again, I don't trust my self, don't have any selfconfidence...but also don't trust anybody else to turn to for some help.
Until few months ago, I was a true believer, I prayed every day and believed somebody is looking after me. Now, I am not even sure what I believe in...In short, I am desperate.
Tomorrow we have a big gathering in our home with loads of food and alcohol. I will have to pretend to be a happy puppy, while instead I just want not ever to have to leave my room again.
I've been at this place too many times, making promises to stop using and become a decent person, and then forgeting after few days how horible I felt.
I also have to go for a job interview tommorow or the day after tommorow. I really want and need that job. Everything is just a mess.
I invested all my energy in last 5 years to change myself, but here I am lower than I was before. I feel defeated and hopeless.
Today, I just want to vanish, to disapeare to desintegrate and become an air.
Tnx for listening,
Michelebelle
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: san fernando valley, CA
Posts: 183
You are never alone here. We all know and feel your pain. We have been or are in the same situation as you are in now. Relapse is part of recovery.
You now know what you want and how good it felt to be clean and sober and now you need to refocus and try to get that feeling back for yourself. Take care and be strong.
Good luck on the interview.
You now know what you want and how good it felt to be clean and sober and now you need to refocus and try to get that feeling back for yourself. Take care and be strong.
Good luck on the interview.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 37
Hang in there, keep trying and I'm sure you'll succeed in getting to where you want to be eventually! Don't be too quick to dismiss the support option available, there are lots of alternatives to AA and I think support is vital in winning the battle against alcohol. Good luck x
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
Maybe go to AA and work the real program with a sponsor before looking for alternatives...i, as many have done on SR, had (and many still are looking) looked at alternatives for years without making a commitment to follow one through...its just alcoholic BS IMO...choose one and go for it...good luck:-)
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 82
Scared1 is right, so you are not alone here. You have all of us! 
So sorry to hear how down you feel. We have all been there at some point. And you know what, you can get sober, even without AA. maybe that is just not the right option for you. You have to find what works for you. What about counselling? Do you have that option available to you? I hope you feel better and can get back on track again! Stay close hear, read post do whatever you need to do!
So sorry to hear how down you feel. We have all been there at some point. And you know what, you can get sober, even without AA. maybe that is just not the right option for you. You have to find what works for you. What about counselling? Do you have that option available to you? I hope you feel better and can get back on track again! Stay close hear, read post do whatever you need to do!
Grateful Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: MI
Posts: 1,080
Michelle, we have all felt alone. I promise you, this is the best place for you if you're feeling this way. People truly care here, and want to help you succeed. Rise above your family's comments, and break the cycle. Find your inner strength. Try a different meeting, or a different recovery method.
You are among friends here. Hang in there!
You are among friends here. Hang in there!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: New England
Posts: 5,285
Hi Michelle and welcome to SR...I am so sorry you have been through so much.
As has been mentioned there are alternatives to AA out there, how do you feel about using them? What about some counseling or therapy? It sounds like you have a lot of stuff going on. I know that I had to work on getting healthy mentally before I could get over the addiction, and getting healthy mentally is an ongoing project!!! I would never have gotten sober without working on my self-esteem and self-love...for these I needed counseling, I needed to work on myself, and I needed to read lots of self help books (I learn through reading, but that's just me).
You are not alone, we are always here for you.
Sending you lots of love and prayers!
xoxo, LaFemme
As has been mentioned there are alternatives to AA out there, how do you feel about using them? What about some counseling or therapy? It sounds like you have a lot of stuff going on. I know that I had to work on getting healthy mentally before I could get over the addiction, and getting healthy mentally is an ongoing project!!! I would never have gotten sober without working on my self-esteem and self-love...for these I needed counseling, I needed to work on myself, and I needed to read lots of self help books (I learn through reading, but that's just me).
You are not alone, we are always here for you.
Sending you lots of love and prayers!
xoxo, LaFemme
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,759
Welcome to the family! You're no longer alone. We're here all hours of the day and night and we understand how you feel. There are other programs besides AA, and many of us here are staying sober using other methods, and some just on their own.
Admitting you're an alcoholic is a good start - now follow it up with some positive action, whether counseling or AA or another program or just coming here every day. It IS possible to get and stay sober - I'm doing it and I used to be a chronic relapser.
You're no longer alone. We're here all hours of the day and night and we understand how you feel. There are other programs besides AA, and many of us here are staying sober using other methods, and some just on their own.Admitting you're an alcoholic is a good start - now follow it up with some positive action, whether counseling or AA or another program or just coming here every day. It IS possible to get and stay sober - I'm doing it and I used to be a chronic relapser.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 65
Thank you all guys for your support!!!
All your suggestions are very helpful and your support means a world to me!
For start I will not use and stay at this board. Later I will see, if I get this job I will maybe start with some profesional counseling, maybe this will help. I already feel beter after sharing with you and reading your posts.
I am tired of this feelings of self pity, shame and guilt. I know this is not productive and only loss of energy. instead, I will try to avoid to be swollen by that awful feelings and try to focus that energy on recovery. will try tobe constructive, there is a lot of mess to clean and build a new life
Hugs to all
All your suggestions are very helpful and your support means a world to me!
For start I will not use and stay at this board. Later I will see, if I get this job I will maybe start with some profesional counseling, maybe this will help. I already feel beter after sharing with you and reading your posts.
I am tired of this feelings of self pity, shame and guilt. I know this is not productive and only loss of energy. instead, I will try to avoid to be swollen by that awful feelings and try to focus that energy on recovery. will try tobe constructive, there is a lot of mess to clean and build a new life
Hugs to all
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,369
Hi Michele
I'm sure you have the message by now - you are not alone and we understand.
Not going to AA needn't be a dealbreaker or a reason to give up - there are many other programmes that people here have used in their recovery - here's a link to some of the main players
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html
Many of us have faced dysfunctional families and various traumatic experiences and abuse - those are hard things to deal with - but abusing ourselves more is not the answer.
Don't let anything convince you you can't live a happy and sober life Michele - there are hundreds of people here to prove it
Look forward to seeing you around
Welcome to SR!
D
I'm sure you have the message by now - you are not alone and we understand.
Not going to AA needn't be a dealbreaker or a reason to give up - there are many other programmes that people here have used in their recovery - here's a link to some of the main players
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html
Many of us have faced dysfunctional families and various traumatic experiences and abuse - those are hard things to deal with - but abusing ourselves more is not the answer.
Don't let anything convince you you can't live a happy and sober life Michele - there are hundreds of people here to prove it
Look forward to seeing you around
Welcome to SR!
D
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