mckats

Hello,

Not sure how typical my story is but i'll make it short and sweet.

-I'm a typical 26 yr old male with a good job and great family and friend network

-Father is an alcoholic but sober for 20 plus years

Problem is that I drink on weekends and get outta control. Got bottled last week at the bar, countless physical (although minor) and emotional abuses on friends and past girlfriends and essentially spending upwards of 200 dollars a night when partying, unprotected sex, etc etc

I rarely drink during the week but on weekends I start drinking and experience this mania where I party all night.
The next two days are hell - anxiety and depression rule over me buttt...come Wednesday-Thursday all I can think about is partying.

My identity and social network has been formulated around being the life of the party and I find it frightening to stop. When I think about stopping something inside interjects and tells me to fukkit and keep partying like a rockstar.

Cliffs:
-I know I need to quit drinking but cant seem to stop
-Starting to get suicidal when hung over
-I need to 'man up' but cant

M

Dee74

Hi Mckats

A lot of us here are familiar with what you're talking about.

My drinking entered a dangerous phase when, come Friday evening, I would 'write myself off' til Sunday bedtime....a few days 'being good' (mostly because I was ill) and then around Wednesday it would slowly build up again.

Unfortunately I convinced myself I was 'normal' and 'graduated' to all day everyday drinking. That's not a road you want to go down.

Even leaving aside what might happen in future tho - if you're getting into fights, having unprotected sexual liaisons and thinking of suicide you don't need to be told you need to do something about this, and now.

Have you thought about getting a Dr's opinion? or thought about AA or some other recovery group? Counselling is another option, as are various forms of inpatient and outpatient rehab.

SR is a great place to hang while you work all this out. Read around and post as much as you like. You'll find a lot of good advice encouragement and support here

Welcome
D

Draciack

Hi McKats

It sounds like you're already experiencing the ramifications of living that lifestyle - most find that recovery takes support, whether that's AA, another program, SR, therapy, whatever. Sometimes that scene is tough to leave at first and having others to rely on during the transition is helpful.

Welcome to SR.

Zencat

Welcome to SoberRecovery Mckats.

I sure can relate, I had trouble stopping too. I finally got me a recovery plan in place (SMART Recovery Tools) from a few good resources and began to practice recovery treatments. I found with patients, practice and perseverance (the 3 P's) I was able to recover from a seemingly hopeless state drunkenness.

Regular posting and replying to post here at SR has become a big part of my recovery process. You might want to do the same . Hope to see you around here.

artsoul

Welcome Mckats - You're doing a really good thing for yourself by talking about this and reaching out for some support/help. Alcohol can be a very vicious cycle and even though it's hard to imagine life without it, when it gets out of control, we have to do something to turn our lives around.

Keep posting and reading - this is a great place to start!:ghug3

Lilly03

I can relate to your story a lot, I'm 26 and my dad is an alcoholic (unfortunately he's not in any treatment). I started with going out on the weekends, being the "life of the party" and when I stopped it would scare me to death because I didn't want to stop and I knew there was a loss of control. Growing up with an alcoholic I was in denial because I didn't want to be like that. I think that it's great you are here and have an opportunity to stop before it progresses even more.

petethebrick

Wow, I honestly could have written the exact same post. I too don't really drink during the week but the past ten years plus have involved me being wasted from thursday to sunday. Like you I've led a life of being the centre of the party, recently the parties didn't even stop for sleep at the weekends, a long list of unprotected sexual encounters, spending every cent I earn - like you a couple of hundred on nights out. My health, both physical and mental have started to suffer. I can totally relate to the binging induced depression you describe.

I've only been off the drink for about two weeks now. I can't describe how great it feels to not have encountered that depression/anxiety. For me that's the biggest thing. Sure it is tough on a friday/saturday to stay sober but if you think about it hard you're not really missing much - just an empty wallet, an awful comedown etc. Of course it is fun as well to an extent but the little bit of fun is worth sacrificing for the enormous gains. The sacrifice is little but the reward great.

You don't have to promise yourself that you'll never drink again - just take it one day at a time, say to yourself ' I'm not going to drink for today'. If you manage it the sober days will soon add up. The worst that can happen is you fail and try again. Good luck!!!!

Kmber2010

Welcome Kats! You have our support.

I relate to the addiction piece. Once a certain time came around I was making a beeline home to drink. Wasn't a party person and all that jazz but I was consumed by alcohol and everything in my life was secondary to my quest to drink and escape.

I got tired of it and couldn't live that way anymore so I tossed out the bottle and got into recovery.

Life is so much more meaningful in sobriety and I am a better person.

Glad you are here

least

Welcome to the family! It's rough at first, learning to fill your time without the heavy duty partying. But the rewards of living sober and so great that after a time you won't miss the drunken sprees, the spending too much money, the post drinking anxiety and depression.

ANd yes, do take it one day at a time, since we only get to live one day at a time.

Anna

Welcome!

It's normal to be afraid of what life will be like in recovery, but know that you can do this.

My advice would be to make plans for this weekend that are totally different from what you normally do.

DayTrader

Hey M..... thanks for the post. Brought back a lot of memories. I can surely identify - especially the hang-over depression. As bad as I EVER felt physically the mental damage (depression, shame, self-hatred)...man, when THAT stuff started working on me I thought I'd lose my mind. Amazingly, it seemed to get exponentially worse as time went on.

I would highly recommend you think about checking out AA. It works and the stuff we do there goes to work on that depression and all the other stuff. Here's the cool part.... "manning up" isn't part of the deal. If manning up worked for me (us).... then there would be no AA. We found recovery in surrendering. It's basically the opposite of manning up. ...and I know that sounds backwards - like it wouldn't work... but it's been working for me for just over 3 years. I actually like myself now. I don't derive much of my self worth (anymore) from what others think or or say about me. I catch myself smiling all the time now. oh, and I don't even THINK about drinking - and haven't - for over 3 years.

It's good stuff man... and the worse you feel now, the quicker it seems to work.

all my best to you bro. I've been where you are and I can tell you first hand that it can either get worse or better..... choose better. It's worth it.

Mike

mckats

Thanks for all the support guys and gals....

I've ran this scenario (quitting drinking) through my head tons of times and each time I've been scared but this support is helping.

I know I have a long road ahead and will have to change peer groups and some hobbies. I play rugby (and for those who don't know, part of its culture is heavy drinking) and most of my friends also hard party hard.

The remorse I feel for the past is astounding. Lies i've told, people i've hurt - while drinking, is a tough cross to bear.

However,

I'm excited for the challenges that lie ahead.

***as for AA, I'm also going to attend my first class this upcoming and I will share my thoughts.


THanks to all!!!

I will update on Monday (lol one week sober, but for me that would be a first!!!)

M

mckats

Hello All,

Thanks for the support once again.

Although I had two beers after a sporting event one night, I have not been 'drunk" since my first post. wahoooooooooooooooooo!!!

OMG the mental clarity i'm experiencing is unreal. Things kind of have this sweet taste to them right now and I find myself embracing family, friends, and even nature a bit more (weird i know but soo true)

I have not gone to AA but spoke to an addictions counsellor who helped me develop a plan for recovery.

This is new ground for me but it feels great...even bought myself a congrats gift with unused booze money.

Of note is that the friends I have told have been nothing but positive. I thought they would think of this as weird but it appears they knew there was a problem all along, kind of comforting to say the least.
Anyways good luck to all!!! and I will update this weekend!

ohh one more thiing that I found kinda funny
-Sunday morning I woke up 'hungover" LOL. I had dry mouth, a headache, no emotional issues but still...it was like my body was used to waking up feeling like shiat after a weekend of partying..makes no sense but whatever I'm rolling with it.

Also got test back from the DOC and liver function is normal!! :-D
M

mckats

Hello All,

another succesfull week!!!! I did drink two beers saturday while watching UFC but in my recovery plan I"ve allowed myself to socially drink if the need should arise...still proud of myself i've been able to control the urges.

I walked home from the bar at 2 30am and witnessed the chaos that is closing time. The Drunkards looked rediculous and I felt myself reminiscing about the past ten years and how I was no different every weekend.

It was also a full moon so I dunno the moment was kind of "picture perfect ' lol

Also workouts are 100% improved and my body feels better than it has in years.

Good luck to all!!! i'll post mid week....

THANKS TO EVERYONE AGAIN. READING OTHER THREADS HELPS A TON.

M

mckats

ohh and I realize that most people here quit 'cold turkey'. However casual or lonesome beers have never been my problem as explained earlier. I would like to continue to drink socially but within moderation (under 5 drinks for the night). At my size 6'2 235 that is hardly enough to get a buzz.

Essentially from what was discussed with addictions counsellor:
-For first three months keep to alcohol to one night a week and under 3 drinks for the night regardless of circumstances (essentially develop the ability to 'stop")
-Hopefully this becomes second nature and will discuss further options at this point

I know its diff then most people but soo far I feel great..hopefully no hate

Dee74

Hi McKats

ok, I see you're looking at 'not getting drunk' as success?

I can remember doing that too - I never lasted long with the the control tho - before long I was back to my old ways, or worse.

I wish you better luck with it, McK.

And you may find a lot of people here - people who's lives have been destroyed by their addiction and their chronic inability to give up alcohol - disagree with your approach.

D

johndelko408

Been there and done that. Partied like a rock star, didn't like using rubbers when I was drunk cause it took forever to get my load off. My friends considered me the life of the party cause I was always ready to go, could handle more liquor and drugs and was always first to approach the ladies. I'd always have an open tab and would get so wasted I'd forget to close it and get charged up the ass. It wasn't uncommon for me to see on my bank statement and find out that I had a $300-400 bill.

You said that your pops is got 20 years of sobriety. Did he do it on his own or did he get into a program like AA? Have you talked to him about what's going on in your life and how you feel? Dude I'm sure he can give you some good advise and point you in the right direction. Your story is much like mine when I was in my early 20's. You don't want to progress down the scale as far as many of us did. I had my wake-up call when I woke up in the guest room of a buddies house and hadn't the slightest clue of how I got there. The next day I found out that I took a $100 cab ride to go score an 8ball of blow. The sad part is I didnt believe it was true until they showed me phone pics of me lining up fattys, I basically put all, except maybe a gram that I shared, up my nose in a period of 2 hours. By the grace of God I didn't OD. Not to say that you dabble in the blow or anything, I'm just telling you where I got to.

Honestly bro I'd seek out some support, like AA and talk to your dad. I don't know your dad, but I'm sure if your sincere and honest about what's going on in your life he'd understand and relate in some ways. He's probably been there. I'm 28 and I always thought I could stop on my own with countless failed attempts. I got my ass into AA and now I got 10 months going on 11 clean and sober. I sincerely hope you get into a program because from what you described you have alcoholic drinking patterns. I wish you well and hope everything works out for you. I just hate to see somebody that has the rest of their life ahead of them waste it away drinking and partying, not to say I'm so much older than you. I'm only 2 years older. Try to follow your dads footsteps, he obviously quit for some reason. Talk to him bro, he's your pops and he's in your corner. Both of my parents are active alkies so I don't have the luxury of getting their advise.

Cottonwoodchris

Hi, McKats. I don't know where you found that addictions councellor, but fire him. Moderation, in my own experience (yeah, I've had "day one" 50 times or more) doesn't work. Who would suggest that to an alcoholic, I have no idea.

Give it a while and you will be right back to where you were. Then it will go from weekends to every day. Just a few drinks during the week, and the binge party on the weekend. It's our alcoholic brains that make us do this. The brain chemistry needs that "fix" and it will only get worse unless you stop.

Go to a real doctor for the detox. You may be at the point, tapering off, that it won't be bad. But I never ever want to go thru what I did 3 months ago, again. It was the worst time of my life. Sobriety is a high all of it's own. Everything has a new light about it. I love it, you will too. Stay strong.

yeahgr8

This reminds me of my addiction counselor i saw for 5 months...after a month abstinant she asked do i want to stop drinking for good or to drink like a normal drinker after treatment...i frowned and said for good of course (knew a little about being a drunk!)...after 5 months i saw the psychiatrist who promounced that i was ok now to have a few drinks and my counselor said the same thing but only a couple, i.e. under the normal limit...the day after, after 5 months abstinance, i got blackout drunk...on just 2 drinks!!! Well ok maybe the other 22 had something to do with it....good to laugh about now:-)

Itchy

I don't have a problem with drinking either. Just stopping.