Something Different This Time
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Midwest
Posts: 429
Something Different This Time
I'm on Day 19. I've probably only had one other Day 19 ever, but something's different now. It's like it's actually sunk in that I have a problem and that I can move in a positive direction to fix it.
I've been through the same cycle over and over again. I'd drink a lot, do stupid things and get really sick, swear off drinking forever, and be back at it by the next weekend (if not before that). Sometimes I'd be able to moderate the drinking a few times, but then I'd get so confident in my ability to "control" it that I'd think I didn't have to pay attention to how much I was drinking anymore. It invariably led back to the same place: drinking too much, doing stupid things, getting sick, swearing off drinking, going back to drinking, etc.
Every time I'd go on a binge, I'd realize that I just don't have the "off" switch that everyone else seems to have. I always thought I was having a great time. Of course, I've spent so much time in blackouts that I don't really know whether I was having a good time. I'm sure my friends and husband weren't having a great time when they had to deal with me because I'd be at the point of nonfunctioning. I'd wake up the next day with horrible anxiety about whether I'd done anything bad, embarrassing, dangerous, etc. In fact, it was to the point that even when I had only a couple drinks and was completely coherent, I'd STILL wake up the next day feeling guilt and anxiety even though I knew I did nothing bad.
The last time I drank, I did something dumb and ended up with a court date. It wasn't anything dangerous, but it's still a personal low. The next day, I found SR and started poking around. My story sounds like so many others on here. I realized that my history isn't really normal and that considering it to be a problem is not an overreaction. I've suspected it before, but this time it really sunk in because I could see people with the same experience seeking support. I finally don't feel so alone, like the one person who can never keep control.
I've quit drinking before, but it was always from a negative perspective. I felt like I had to deprive myself or that it was just to see how long I could go without drinking. Eventually, I'd just forget that I was not drinking and I'd be back at it. I've tried to moderate my drinking, but that never worked in the long run. But now, I've realized that not drinking is actually a positive thing. I'm not "quitting drinking," I'm "staying sober." This time, it's not to figure out how to drink like a normal person would. I can finally own up to the fact that it's not going to happen for me. From my past experience, I now know that I have to remind myself of this every day. If I'm not vigilant, I could end up back in the same place---and I really don't want that.
I've been doing some reading ("Under the Influence") and talking to my therapist about what has motivated me to go back to drinking over and over when I knew it would be disastrous every time. I've been looking for things to do that don't involve drinking, and I've been doing my best to keep a positive attitude (not an easy feat for someone with depression and anxiety, but I'm working on it!). I'm also checking out SR every day as a reminder of both where I was and where I can be. The support I've seen here is really inspiring, and I wanted to thank everyone for sharing their experience and support. I know it hasn't been long for me, but you guys really helped me out in those earliest days.
I've been through the same cycle over and over again. I'd drink a lot, do stupid things and get really sick, swear off drinking forever, and be back at it by the next weekend (if not before that). Sometimes I'd be able to moderate the drinking a few times, but then I'd get so confident in my ability to "control" it that I'd think I didn't have to pay attention to how much I was drinking anymore. It invariably led back to the same place: drinking too much, doing stupid things, getting sick, swearing off drinking, going back to drinking, etc.
Every time I'd go on a binge, I'd realize that I just don't have the "off" switch that everyone else seems to have. I always thought I was having a great time. Of course, I've spent so much time in blackouts that I don't really know whether I was having a good time. I'm sure my friends and husband weren't having a great time when they had to deal with me because I'd be at the point of nonfunctioning. I'd wake up the next day with horrible anxiety about whether I'd done anything bad, embarrassing, dangerous, etc. In fact, it was to the point that even when I had only a couple drinks and was completely coherent, I'd STILL wake up the next day feeling guilt and anxiety even though I knew I did nothing bad.
The last time I drank, I did something dumb and ended up with a court date. It wasn't anything dangerous, but it's still a personal low. The next day, I found SR and started poking around. My story sounds like so many others on here. I realized that my history isn't really normal and that considering it to be a problem is not an overreaction. I've suspected it before, but this time it really sunk in because I could see people with the same experience seeking support. I finally don't feel so alone, like the one person who can never keep control.
I've quit drinking before, but it was always from a negative perspective. I felt like I had to deprive myself or that it was just to see how long I could go without drinking. Eventually, I'd just forget that I was not drinking and I'd be back at it. I've tried to moderate my drinking, but that never worked in the long run. But now, I've realized that not drinking is actually a positive thing. I'm not "quitting drinking," I'm "staying sober." This time, it's not to figure out how to drink like a normal person would. I can finally own up to the fact that it's not going to happen for me. From my past experience, I now know that I have to remind myself of this every day. If I'm not vigilant, I could end up back in the same place---and I really don't want that.
I've been doing some reading ("Under the Influence") and talking to my therapist about what has motivated me to go back to drinking over and over when I knew it would be disastrous every time. I've been looking for things to do that don't involve drinking, and I've been doing my best to keep a positive attitude (not an easy feat for someone with depression and anxiety, but I'm working on it!). I'm also checking out SR every day as a reminder of both where I was and where I can be. The support I've seen here is really inspiring, and I wanted to thank everyone for sharing their experience and support. I know it hasn't been long for me, but you guys really helped me out in those earliest days.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Welcome to SR. It helps knowing you aren't alone, doesn't it. Sounds like you grasp the fundamentals of alcohol addiction. I went too long trying to moderate my drinking, and for periods of time I "think" I was successful. But eventually the volume of drinking increased until it wasn't moderate. In fact, just before I quit, if you had asked me how much I was drinking I probably would have answered something like this: "Oh, three or four beers, sometimes five, occasionally six or seven, and once in a while, eight or more." While in reality it was just the opposite order...I almost always drank more than 6 and rarely did I only have three beers.
My alcohol mind playing tricks on me.
Good luck, Lil' Sparrow.
My alcohol mind playing tricks on me.
Good luck, Lil' Sparrow.
Re-Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Colorado Springs, Colorado
Posts: 7,583
Wow!
You sound like you're on your way. You have changed your perceptions already! What you used to perceive as brick walls with no way over you now see for what they are. Although real, they are just speed bumps that if we see in time, we can slow down and get past them with no damage to our steering.
I'm not "quitting drinking," I'm "staying sober." Priceless!
Thanks for sharing your insight, I'll add it to my tools too.
You sound like you're on your way. You have changed your perceptions already! What you used to perceive as brick walls with no way over you now see for what they are. Although real, they are just speed bumps that if we see in time, we can slow down and get past them with no damage to our steering.
I'm not "quitting drinking," I'm "staying sober." Priceless!
Thanks for sharing your insight, I'll add it to my tools too.
Welcome to the family! And may you have many more wonderful sober days to come.
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