Confused and Unhappy
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Holden, LA
Posts: 6
Confused and Unhappy
HI everyone.. I am a married woman of 19 years and recently decided to get help for my alcohol problem because my husband gave me an ultimatum. Now he says it's too late that he is done with the marriage.
Okay first of all I was going to get help because he was forcing me to but now after 3 weeks of going to group 3 times a week I've realized I want to do this for me. I just think he isn't being very fair because the first 10 years of our marriage I literally babysat him everytime we went out together and also had to help pay for 2 DUI's received by him. I just started drinking alot about 6-8 months ago and now he is saying I am basically heading for divorce but he doesn't want to uproot the kids, my daughter is a senior in high school and we also have a 13 year old boy but he expects me to live here with the kids and he says he is emotionally finished with our relationship and wants the freedom to seek others if the opportunity arises. I think I have lost my ever loving mind but I cannot financially afford to live on my own. I have MS and it hasn't given me problems for the past few months but I receive disability and don't work outside of the home. I just need some friendly advice and some hopeful thoughts.
I do belong to a faith based program that assists with drug and alcohol dependency and they are saying let GOD handle it and rid my heart of worry-is that really possible?
Okay first of all I was going to get help because he was forcing me to but now after 3 weeks of going to group 3 times a week I've realized I want to do this for me. I just think he isn't being very fair because the first 10 years of our marriage I literally babysat him everytime we went out together and also had to help pay for 2 DUI's received by him. I just started drinking alot about 6-8 months ago and now he is saying I am basically heading for divorce but he doesn't want to uproot the kids, my daughter is a senior in high school and we also have a 13 year old boy but he expects me to live here with the kids and he says he is emotionally finished with our relationship and wants the freedom to seek others if the opportunity arises. I think I have lost my ever loving mind but I cannot financially afford to live on my own. I have MS and it hasn't given me problems for the past few months but I receive disability and don't work outside of the home. I just need some friendly advice and some hopeful thoughts.
I do belong to a faith based program that assists with drug and alcohol dependency and they are saying let GOD handle it and rid my heart of worry-is that really possible?
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
hi again searchinghap
I'm sorry for your struggle and for the extra pressures you have now.
I don't have any experience to share with that specifically but I do know my focus had to be on myself and on staying sober or everything I had was in jeopardy anyway.
I know it's hard but I believe we have to focus on our recovery above everything else - once you have that on a sure footing, I think you'll be in a much better place to deal with everything else.
I suspect that's what people are meaning by let go and let God
Do you think your husband might consider AlAnon? I'm told many spouses/partners get a lot out of that.
You'll get a lot out of us too - you'll always find support here
D
I'm sorry for your struggle and for the extra pressures you have now.
I don't have any experience to share with that specifically but I do know my focus had to be on myself and on staying sober or everything I had was in jeopardy anyway.
I know it's hard but I believe we have to focus on our recovery above everything else - once you have that on a sure footing, I think you'll be in a much better place to deal with everything else.
I suspect that's what people are meaning by let go and let God
Do you think your husband might consider AlAnon? I'm told many spouses/partners get a lot out of that.
You'll get a lot out of us too - you'll always find support here
D
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: home
Posts: 205
Hi searchinghap. That's great that you are realizing that you need to do it for you. I'm sorry about your husband, and I wish that I had more advice to give you.
I have to agree with Dee about focusing on your recovery and then things can become for manageable. I've found when my recovery is compromised, everything else goes down. It's so much easier to manage things with a clear head.
I've found that there's some things I as well need to let go and let God handle...it's just a matter of figuring out what is actually in my control - still working on that myself.
I have to agree with Dee about focusing on your recovery and then things can become for manageable. I've found when my recovery is compromised, everything else goes down. It's so much easier to manage things with a clear head.
I've found that there's some things I as well need to let go and let God handle...it's just a matter of figuring out what is actually in my control - still working on that myself.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Holden, LA
Posts: 6
husband is close-minded
I appreciate your kind words but my husband is a very close-minded individual. They had family night at the center I am attending and he said he's not going anywhere near that place for my benefit. He not only has decided he doesn't want to support me in my endeavor but he is being outright mean. I truly do need GODs help because no one else can see me through this. The really sad part is I can't just let go of 20 years of Love for this man easily.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: AA Rooms
Posts: 268
Hi Searching,
I am sorry you are going through this while trying to recover as well. TOUGH! When you love someone and they won't not only support your recovery but also want to bail, that is very, very difficult to deal with. Let God guide you where you need to be. You have your group support, support here too and the love of your children. Hold on to these things when the going gets really tough for you. Lots of people have dealt with similar situations and have come out the other end. It's not easy but it is doable.
Annette
I am sorry you are going through this while trying to recover as well. TOUGH! When you love someone and they won't not only support your recovery but also want to bail, that is very, very difficult to deal with. Let God guide you where you need to be. You have your group support, support here too and the love of your children. Hold on to these things when the going gets really tough for you. Lots of people have dealt with similar situations and have come out the other end. It's not easy but it is doable.
Annette
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,780
Welcome to SR. I'm sorry your husband is being so mean about it. But do concentrate on recovery for your sake. Take it one day at a time. Don't worry so much about the future 'cause it hasn't happened yet. Sending prayers and good wishes that you can find happiness in your sobriety, even without his help and support. 
I'm sorry your husband is being so mean about it. But do concentrate on recovery for your sake. Take it one day at a time. Don't worry so much about the future 'cause it hasn't happened yet. Sending prayers and good wishes that you can find happiness in your sobriety, even without his help and support. Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Cary, NC
Posts: 715
Hi searchinghap
Sorry about your situation but I'm glad you're here. You'll find a lot of support.
It's possible to let go/surrender and let God handle it, but in my experience it takes some practice. AA has been very helpful for me in that regard. They're really welcoming too
Sorry about your situation but I'm glad you're here. You'll find a lot of support.
It's possible to let go/surrender and let God handle it, but in my experience it takes some practice. AA has been very helpful for me in that regard. They're really welcoming too
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: New York
Posts: 35,731
A long term marriage is NOT easy to let go of. You cannot be expected to accomplish sobriety and marital issues at the same time IMO. As stated above you must concentrate on your recovery. That should be your priority. Try and take your life one day at a time.
I got overwhelmed with a divorce and all the things you are worried about. Take it from me it does nothing but make you an emotional wreck. Deal with the day at hand and not the future right now.
When you have some sobriety behind you, the strength will follow. You cannot fix or control your husband. There are a lot of people here going through similar circumstances. Come here and post or join us in chat when you are feeling down or need help. It will ease your mind to speak with people who are in the same boat.
My Best Wishes To You
:ghug3
I got overwhelmed with a divorce and all the things you are worried about. Take it from me it does nothing but make you an emotional wreck. Deal with the day at hand and not the future right now.
When you have some sobriety behind you, the strength will follow. You cannot fix or control your husband. There are a lot of people here going through similar circumstances. Come here and post or join us in chat when you are feeling down or need help. It will ease your mind to speak with people who are in the same boat.
My Best Wishes To You
:ghug3
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Originally Posted by searchinghap 
they are saying let GOD handle it and rid my heart of worry-is that really possible?
But my experience is like Draciak's... It takes practice and I have to learn how, I have to open my heart and mind and I have to be willing to let my preconceived notions go... Perhaps, what I think I want is not what God wants for me.... Since He loves me, He will help me with what I need.
Welcome..
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Holden, LA
Posts: 6
I am greatful I found this sight. Have been up to 7:10 this morning and am up again, all I can do is cry. I am truly sorry for the things that I have done all I asked for is some time to see if I can do this. Been sober since 10-27-10. I know it isn't long but I haven't even craved a drink since then. I don't know what made me realize it but I realized that the drink is not worth the trouble it has caused. I just wanna be happy again and I don't know how to be.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,780
Congrats and big hugs on your sober time! It's a good start to a better sober life. I know happiness seems far away right now, but just concentrate on your recovery, one day at a time, and the happiness will come. At the very least you can be happy that you're staying sober - that's a biggie!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Dallas, Tx
Posts: 2,405
Hi Searching, welcome to SR, glad you found us. Sorry your H is not being supportive of you but as you know you have to do this for yourself. It sounds to me like your H would have wanted out of the marriage with or without the drinking, so I would suggest just work on yourself your sobriety and work on letting go, you will be better able to cope with a clear mind. I believe everything happens for a reason, and although I didn't realize it at the time the very BEST thing my ex H ever did for me was leave me. You can do this.
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