Frustrated Husband
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 10
Frustrated Husband
Little about my situation :
My wife is five months into recovery. Learned of her addiction to OXY in January, after 5-6 years of use. Learned a few weeks later of her prior use of coccaine during our 4+ years of dating. The bumpy road started about a year earlier when I learned of her promiscuity while we were dating. It seems like I just keep learning about my wife's secret life a little more as time goes by. We have been together for 14+ years, and married for 9 years. We have three young children.
Since she came home from rehab, it has been a difficult 4 months. While she was away, she was diagnosed with ADD and bi-Polar. I see that she is trying, but as she has told me, she is not at the point to "let me in." She goes to meetings pretty much every night and goes out after the meetings for hours. She finally has a sponsor, and seems to have a good support group. I say this from what little I know, as I am not "in." We talk very little and spend no time alone together. She doesn't want that yet.
I am exhausted and do not know how long I can live with this "roommate." I have more or less been a single father for the past two years. My wife does not work, so I am the lone provider for the family. I come home from work and get "report" from my wife on what has happened since the kids got home from school, and then she goes and gets all dressed up to go to her meeting and socialize for hours afterwards.
I have tried naranon and alanon, but it is tough to fit in while trying to be there for the kids everynight and weekend.
I don't know how long I can keep going as a "roommates," and not good ones at that.
Living moment to moment!
My wife is five months into recovery. Learned of her addiction to OXY in January, after 5-6 years of use. Learned a few weeks later of her prior use of coccaine during our 4+ years of dating. The bumpy road started about a year earlier when I learned of her promiscuity while we were dating. It seems like I just keep learning about my wife's secret life a little more as time goes by. We have been together for 14+ years, and married for 9 years. We have three young children.
Since she came home from rehab, it has been a difficult 4 months. While she was away, she was diagnosed with ADD and bi-Polar. I see that she is trying, but as she has told me, she is not at the point to "let me in." She goes to meetings pretty much every night and goes out after the meetings for hours. She finally has a sponsor, and seems to have a good support group. I say this from what little I know, as I am not "in." We talk very little and spend no time alone together. She doesn't want that yet.
I am exhausted and do not know how long I can live with this "roommate." I have more or less been a single father for the past two years. My wife does not work, so I am the lone provider for the family. I come home from work and get "report" from my wife on what has happened since the kids got home from school, and then she goes and gets all dressed up to go to her meeting and socialize for hours afterwards.
I have tried naranon and alanon, but it is tough to fit in while trying to be there for the kids everynight and weekend.
I don't know how long I can keep going as a "roommates," and not good ones at that.
Living moment to moment!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
I see red flags everywhere.
I have been in and out of AA for 5 years. I never went out for hours afterwards every single night. I am not saying she is using but I think something is wrong.
I have been in and out of AA for 5 years. I never went out for hours afterwards every single night. I am not saying she is using but I think something is wrong.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,498
I think that if you want to go to NarAnon or AlAnon for support, then you should work out an agreement that your wife stays home at that time to give you a chance to go out. Like everything else in life, there has to be a balance in relationships.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
There is a family and friends section here you will get better advice there for your situation IMO...Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Good luck
Good luck
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,776
Try the friends and families of addicts forum too. Welcome to SR!
Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,432
Hi Lostdad
Welcome to SR - I hope you'll look in the FF forums too - and do keep going to AlAnon/Naranon - it's in your best interests....I agree with Anna that if you're accomodating your wife's meetings it's only fair she should be willing to accommodate yours.
D
D
Welcome to SR - I hope you'll look in the FF forums too - and do keep going to AlAnon/Naranon - it's in your best interests....I agree with Anna that if you're accomodating your wife's meetings it's only fair she should be willing to accommodate yours.
D
D
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 218
Welcome to the forum. The friends and family board might be very helpful to you but I have a couple ideas (just from an alcoholic haha).
Have you asked her if you could go with her to an open meeting or to some of the non-meeting activities? There are plenty of spouses who come to open meetings as support, and that might give you an idea of what goes on.
Also, have you considered Al-Anon for yourself and/or Alateen for the kids, depending on their ages? Just an idea.
I know a lot of people who have done marriage counseling after one partner gets sober/clean and it has helped. You might suggest that to her as well.
Good luck to you....I'm sure this must be very hard. I also agree that some of what you are saying is red flaggish. I have only about 3.5 months sober and I don't attend meetings every day or stay long after because I want to spend time with my son.
Have you asked her if you could go with her to an open meeting or to some of the non-meeting activities? There are plenty of spouses who come to open meetings as support, and that might give you an idea of what goes on.
Also, have you considered Al-Anon for yourself and/or Alateen for the kids, depending on their ages? Just an idea.
I know a lot of people who have done marriage counseling after one partner gets sober/clean and it has helped. You might suggest that to her as well.
Good luck to you....I'm sure this must be very hard. I also agree that some of what you are saying is red flaggish. I have only about 3.5 months sober and I don't attend meetings every day or stay long after because I want to spend time with my son.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Roommates... 
.... I remember my wife complaining of the same sort of thing, and she used that word ... "roommate"... Maybe for reasons similar or different, IDK.
I don't really let my wife "in" when it comes to the recovery thing... lots of reasons... it's an incredibly personal journey where being vulnerable and humble are important... but damn it's scary... My wife is not alcoholic or has never been addicted to anything... she wants to understand, but I don't know how she can and I am unable, and perhaps, unwilling, at this time, to help her understand... I am not sure I do myself!!
At four months I had yet to experience anything like reliable serenity and was not fit company, even for myself... Damn, that was hard, those first few months following rehab... I had lots of resentment, embarrassment and ambivalence... Not that she didn't have some resentment herself... like you, she had no idea of the pervasiveness of my addiction (s)... And my fall affected her in may ways that go beyond just the betrayal of honesty... there was no infidelity.
Talk to her, let her know how you feel. That's what you can do. What she does with that, you can only see...
Think about some counseling....
Welcome to SR... yea there is friends and family, but I don't blame you for asking us, over here on this side...
Mark
.... I remember my wife complaining of the same sort of thing, and she used that word ... "roommate"... Maybe for reasons similar or different, IDK.I don't really let my wife "in" when it comes to the recovery thing... lots of reasons... it's an incredibly personal journey where being vulnerable and humble are important... but damn it's scary... My wife is not alcoholic or has never been addicted to anything... she wants to understand, but I don't know how she can and I am unable, and perhaps, unwilling, at this time, to help her understand... I am not sure I do myself!!
At four months I had yet to experience anything like reliable serenity and was not fit company, even for myself... Damn, that was hard, those first few months following rehab... I had lots of resentment, embarrassment and ambivalence... Not that she didn't have some resentment herself... like you, she had no idea of the pervasiveness of my addiction (s)... And my fall affected her in may ways that go beyond just the betrayal of honesty... there was no infidelity.
Talk to her, let her know how you feel. That's what you can do. What she does with that, you can only see...
Think about some counseling....
Welcome to SR... yea there is friends and family, but I don't blame you for asking us, over here on this side...
Mark
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