Hopeful...yet sad
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: PA and Florida
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Hopeful...yet sad
Cliff-notes: Here I am…DAY 3 sober…again. Been too many DAY 3’s to count! Had been drinking since 9/12 following 111 days sober. Those drinks on 9/12 cost me my gf…I told her to walk away if I ever drank again…SHE DID!! I have been on and off drinking for the past 7 years…90% on probably. Prior to that I was sober for 11 years. I have lost sooo much…25 year marriage to my best friend for most of that time, a solid career, recently my new best friend…etc. I still have many reasons to get and stay sober….4ever.
Crazy as it seems, I am quite hopeful and somewhat positive about the future. I found this site in an attempt to augment this attempt at 4ever. AA doesn’t work 4 me….hence, here I am. Right now though, this minute, it’s just that my heart aches from losing who I thought would be my partner 4 life...just sad today.
Crazy as it seems, I am quite hopeful and somewhat positive about the future. I found this site in an attempt to augment this attempt at 4ever. AA doesn’t work 4 me….hence, here I am. Right now though, this minute, it’s just that my heart aches from losing who I thought would be my partner 4 life...just sad today.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
Welcome to SR IWLSAST 
I know you'll find a lot of support and good ideas here.
If AA's not for you have you any ideas of what you're going to do?
Here's a link to some of the most common recovery programmes - worth a read
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html
D
I know you'll find a lot of support and good ideas here.
If AA's not for you have you any ideas of what you're going to do?
Here's a link to some of the most common recovery programmes - worth a read
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html
D
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: PA and Florida
Posts: 4,179
still the same
Dee and Anna...thank you for your responses. It is going to be a long and difficult journey to get to where I feel good about my life again. Just a little over a month and a half ago this journey seemed so simple. I was sober, working out every day (lost 50lbs), I had this wonderful partner in life, a couple small consulting gigs closed (and i hadn't worked in 2 years), and an offer to return to full time employment. SO I DRANK on 9/12/2010 to celebrate this miraculous recovery. It was going to be just a couple drinks...then home. She dumped my butt the next day...and she was right in doing so. I even told her to do so. Since then it has been back to the downward spiral that drinking creates. While all is not lost, the one thing that i cared about the most is gone...and probably forever...the best woman in the world!
Anyway, today i started a 30 day program of daily self-help cd's from tony robbins. I bought them a few years ago...but drank after 6 days in, and have not returned to them until today.
I have no desire to drink, at least for today...just miss vt. Haven't contacted her since 9/14...and won't until 10/28/2011...my one yr anniversary. I know that sounds stupid...and i hope to be long over her by then...it just helps to say that tonight.
Again, thanks for the words of encouragement!!
Carlos
Anyway, today i started a 30 day program of daily self-help cd's from tony robbins. I bought them a few years ago...but drank after 6 days in, and have not returned to them until today.
I have no desire to drink, at least for today...just miss vt. Haven't contacted her since 9/14...and won't until 10/28/2011...my one yr anniversary. I know that sounds stupid...and i hope to be long over her by then...it just helps to say that tonight.
Again, thanks for the words of encouragement!!
Carlos
Groovy Dancer
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: The States
Posts: 4,751
Welcome to SR Carlos. If those CD's work that's great. Still, please keep an open mind to other options as they didn't work for you last time. Look over the link Dee sent. Good luck and keep us posted.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 16
Carlos,
I've had too many 3rd days to count. I know that it can be hard. And I know the pain of losing a relationship over drinking. I'm just beginning my journey as I know you are. There are many of us here that are just starting, or restarting and I hope that we can all be an inspiration to each other. I know that it will help me to keep looking out for others who are in the same struggle at the same time as I am. Lets all keep each other going! Good Luck!!
I've had too many 3rd days to count. I know that it can be hard. And I know the pain of losing a relationship over drinking. I'm just beginning my journey as I know you are. There are many of us here that are just starting, or restarting and I hope that we can all be an inspiration to each other. I know that it will help me to keep looking out for others who are in the same struggle at the same time as I am. Lets all keep each other going! Good Luck!!
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: PA and Florida
Posts: 4,179
I will live strong and sober today
While this is only my second day on this site, and my 4th day sober (this time), I must admit to being a bit taken by the strength and energy that having this site in my life provided to me this morning. It is a blessing to realize that so many people out here will fight and win their battle over alcohol today.
When I finish this post I am off to work out...then day 2 in my 30 day series for changing my life through my personal power by Tony Robbins...understanding how to use pain and pleasure, and not have it use us.
Looks to be a good and productive day...but, even if it turns bad for some unforeseen reason...I WILL NOT DRINK TODAY!!
But ohhhh how i wish vt was still in my life.
Carlos
When I finish this post I am off to work out...then day 2 in my 30 day series for changing my life through my personal power by Tony Robbins...understanding how to use pain and pleasure, and not have it use us.
Looks to be a good and productive day...but, even if it turns bad for some unforeseen reason...I WILL NOT DRINK TODAY!!
But ohhhh how i wish vt was still in my life.
Carlos
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: PA and Florida
Posts: 4,179
Originally Posted by IWLSAST 
While this is only my second day on this site, and my 4th day sober (this time), I must admit to being a bit taken by the strength and energy that having this site in my life provided to me this morning. It is a blessing to realize that so many people out here will fight and win their battle over alcohol today.
When I finish this post I am off to work out...then day 2 in my 30 day series for changing my life through my personal power by Tony Robbins...understanding how to use pain and pleasure, and not have it use us.
Looks to be a good and productive day...but, even if it turns bad for some unforeseen reason...I WILL NOT DRINK TODAY!!
But ohhhh how i wish vt was still in my life.
Carlos
When I finish this post I am off to work out...then day 2 in my 30 day series for changing my life through my personal power by Tony Robbins...understanding how to use pain and pleasure, and not have it use us.
Looks to be a good and productive day...but, even if it turns bad for some unforeseen reason...I WILL NOT DRINK TODAY!!
But ohhhh how i wish vt was still in my life.
Carlos
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,469
Carlos,
Your attitude is very good, and I believe that balance is the key to sobriety. Exercise is part of my daily routine and I try to do something for the spiritual and mental parts of my life too.
I'm sorry that you find yourself at a lower bottom after this relapse. I believe, from my experience, if you drink again, your bottom will likely be lower, yet again. That's how this disease works. But, you don't have to go lower. You can begin to rebuild your life.
Your attitude is very good, and I believe that balance is the key to sobriety. Exercise is part of my daily routine and I try to do something for the spiritual and mental parts of my life too.
I'm sorry that you find yourself at a lower bottom after this relapse. I believe, from my experience, if you drink again, your bottom will likely be lower, yet again. That's how this disease works. But, you don't have to go lower. You can begin to rebuild your life.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: PA and Florida
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I just returned from a workout and find myself right back on this site as soon as i got home. Funny thing, I think that it was a post about this site written by debbyg that said, "i can get addicted to anything"...well, me too!
Anyway, a few have told me that they are "sorry" 4 me about my current plight. I'm not, i'm tired of feeling sorry 4 myself. I CAUSED ALL OF IT!!
While i'm finished feeling sorry for myself...and i know these people won't read this...I just wanted to say that i am sorry to my ex wife, two spectacular daughters (thank God they have not followed my addictive path), my one time wonderful boss of 9 years, some close friends and family members that i have disappointed these past 7 years, and finally i am sorry to vt for breaking my promise to never drink again.
I will tell all of them that to their faces some day...in some cases again...but i need to be comfortable and secure in my sobriety first.
Thanks for listening and reading...
Carlos
____________________
On a more positive note...and a take off of a Peter Drucker quote:
"Here I am 57 years old and I still don't know what I'll be when I get sober and grow up!!"
Anyway, a few have told me that they are "sorry" 4 me about my current plight. I'm not, i'm tired of feeling sorry 4 myself. I CAUSED ALL OF IT!!
While i'm finished feeling sorry for myself...and i know these people won't read this...I just wanted to say that i am sorry to my ex wife, two spectacular daughters (thank God they have not followed my addictive path), my one time wonderful boss of 9 years, some close friends and family members that i have disappointed these past 7 years, and finally i am sorry to vt for breaking my promise to never drink again.
I will tell all of them that to their faces some day...in some cases again...but i need to be comfortable and secure in my sobriety first.
Thanks for listening and reading...
Carlos
____________________
On a more positive note...and a take off of a Peter Drucker quote:
"Here I am 57 years old and I still don't know what I'll be when I get sober and grow up!!"
Re-Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Colorado Springs, Colorado
Posts: 7,583
Hey Carlos!
I am 58 and on my day 42 of being sober till it turns to 43 tomorrow. I like your attitude about accountability. But it seems to me that you have already decided that day three is your limit, and that can easily become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I have seen this in others that are so fearful they will relapse that they do.
Lanny Bassham, a world champion shooter, wrote an article many years ago that stuck with me, and comes to mind with my sobriety as well.
He called it "Positive Mental Rehearsal."
The short version is that when we drop a shot outside of the ten ring we get mad at ourselves and play back the mental video tape over and over of that bad shot. We mentally review everything we did wrong, how it felt wrong, and think that we will by mentally rehearsing how to do it wrong, that we will magically do it right on the next shot. Mentally seeing the wrong way insures we won't do it the right way because that isn't what we mentally rehearsed.
It is the same in any sport and although we hear to "shake it off" we all know how hard that is. Why? Because we refuse to stop mentally rehearsing that missed catch, strike out, bad pass, layup shot you name the sport we have seen "Negative Mental Rehearsal" at work and every one of us did it at one time or another.
Lanny suggested that we make a mental videotape of every good shot - how it felt, the spot weld, the sights, the trigger, and the all important follow through. And to keep doing that until we have a ready to recall substitute for any negative mental rehearsal. Then do it and we break the cycle.
Today you made it through another day. And you are rehearsing your three day barrier. Instead of looking back at today, whether hard or not, and rehearsing how it feels to not drink today, and putting that into practice tomorrow, instead of mentally rehearsing how you are going to feel when, not if, you bust day 4 again.
I think you can do it, heck I finally did and I never made it past the first ten minutes of any day without putting a shot in my coffee. I'd swear today I was going to quit and then not put a shot in my first cup, and before my second cup I'd manage to convince myself to just have the shot in the second cup, and never made it past that for years! I also smoked three packs a day since I was 12. I was miserable and losing it physically. I swore that if I could just get off them for enough time for the drugs to be out of my system, I would never let either drug, alcohol or nicotine back in my life.
Stunning statement right? Wrong, I was just spitting in one hand and wishing in the other, guess which filled up first!
Why? Because I was doing the same thing over and over for years that didn't work. I found out about a detox at the VA which I qualified for for serving, and called them up. They told me that I needed to set a quit date between any Tuesday and Thursday and then just check in. 5 day medically supervised detox, and a follow up 28 day halfway house where you live and sleep and go to counseling session until 3 PM then meetings every night.
Two weeks later on 21 September 2010 I checked in. I never looked back. Oh and I quit the 28 day program after two days because I hated the one meeting they made me go to, a NA meeting which didn't seem to apply to me. I figured AA meetinghs would be the same, and I didn't need all that religious crap! Only two weeks later I went voluntarily to a local AA meeting and have been with that great group ever since. Twice a week! If I knew then what I know and feel now, I would have gotten something out of that NA meeting. But I was to raw and determined to do it my way. Then I realized that my way hadn't worked before. Maybe I needed to start making different decisions instead of the old comfortable ones. I went to the first one and several folks shared that they had been sober since the early 70's!
They had what I wanted. And that article about positive mental rehearsal came to mind. That was the answer to why they were still going to the meetings. They jumpstarted my positive mental rehearsals in the first 30 minutes of that meeting. And even though I didn't do the 90 meetings in 90 days, twice a week I have had a great time not facing this alone. And pulled my head out of my axe, even though it took a bulldozer and a trackhoe with two sets of chains to get it out.
You see I am not worried about failing in the future, because I am too busy dealing with today, which is nothing more than a copy of my successful yesterday. I no longer worry about tomorrow becaue when I take care of today tomorrow when it comes becomes today and I can work on today all over again, doing the same thing that now works.
You see I quit smoking and drinking at the same time, although I am still using the patches, I haven't had one cigarette or drink in 42 days and feel much better.
I am sorry for the rambling and the length of this post. But I so see where you are and feel we have a lot in common.
We are all rooting for you Carlos.
I am 58 and on my day 42 of being sober till it turns to 43 tomorrow. I like your attitude about accountability. But it seems to me that you have already decided that day three is your limit, and that can easily become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I have seen this in others that are so fearful they will relapse that they do.
Lanny Bassham, a world champion shooter, wrote an article many years ago that stuck with me, and comes to mind with my sobriety as well.
He called it "Positive Mental Rehearsal."
The short version is that when we drop a shot outside of the ten ring we get mad at ourselves and play back the mental video tape over and over of that bad shot. We mentally review everything we did wrong, how it felt wrong, and think that we will by mentally rehearsing how to do it wrong, that we will magically do it right on the next shot. Mentally seeing the wrong way insures we won't do it the right way because that isn't what we mentally rehearsed.
It is the same in any sport and although we hear to "shake it off" we all know how hard that is. Why? Because we refuse to stop mentally rehearsing that missed catch, strike out, bad pass, layup shot you name the sport we have seen "Negative Mental Rehearsal" at work and every one of us did it at one time or another.
Lanny suggested that we make a mental videotape of every good shot - how it felt, the spot weld, the sights, the trigger, and the all important follow through. And to keep doing that until we have a ready to recall substitute for any negative mental rehearsal. Then do it and we break the cycle.
Today you made it through another day. And you are rehearsing your three day barrier. Instead of looking back at today, whether hard or not, and rehearsing how it feels to not drink today, and putting that into practice tomorrow, instead of mentally rehearsing how you are going to feel when, not if, you bust day 4 again.
I think you can do it, heck I finally did and I never made it past the first ten minutes of any day without putting a shot in my coffee. I'd swear today I was going to quit and then not put a shot in my first cup, and before my second cup I'd manage to convince myself to just have the shot in the second cup, and never made it past that for years! I also smoked three packs a day since I was 12. I was miserable and losing it physically. I swore that if I could just get off them for enough time for the drugs to be out of my system, I would never let either drug, alcohol or nicotine back in my life.
Stunning statement right? Wrong, I was just spitting in one hand and wishing in the other, guess which filled up first!
Why? Because I was doing the same thing over and over for years that didn't work. I found out about a detox at the VA which I qualified for for serving, and called them up. They told me that I needed to set a quit date between any Tuesday and Thursday and then just check in. 5 day medically supervised detox, and a follow up 28 day halfway house where you live and sleep and go to counseling session until 3 PM then meetings every night.
Two weeks later on 21 September 2010 I checked in. I never looked back. Oh and I quit the 28 day program after two days because I hated the one meeting they made me go to, a NA meeting which didn't seem to apply to me. I figured AA meetinghs would be the same, and I didn't need all that religious crap! Only two weeks later I went voluntarily to a local AA meeting and have been with that great group ever since. Twice a week! If I knew then what I know and feel now, I would have gotten something out of that NA meeting. But I was to raw and determined to do it my way. Then I realized that my way hadn't worked before. Maybe I needed to start making different decisions instead of the old comfortable ones. I went to the first one and several folks shared that they had been sober since the early 70's!
They had what I wanted. And that article about positive mental rehearsal came to mind. That was the answer to why they were still going to the meetings. They jumpstarted my positive mental rehearsals in the first 30 minutes of that meeting. And even though I didn't do the 90 meetings in 90 days, twice a week I have had a great time not facing this alone. And pulled my head out of my axe, even though it took a bulldozer and a trackhoe with two sets of chains to get it out.
You see I am not worried about failing in the future, because I am too busy dealing with today, which is nothing more than a copy of my successful yesterday. I no longer worry about tomorrow becaue when I take care of today tomorrow when it comes becomes today and I can work on today all over again, doing the same thing that now works.
You see I quit smoking and drinking at the same time, although I am still using the patches, I haven't had one cigarette or drink in 42 days and feel much better.
I am sorry for the rambling and the length of this post. But I so see where you are and feel we have a lot in common.
We are all rooting for you Carlos.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: PA and Florida
Posts: 4,179
Day 5 today...will be such a busy day 4 me. I simply have no time to drink. The best part of my day so far was that i was awake for at least 15 minutes until i thought of vt. It made me sad immediately...but most mornings i think about her b4 my eyes are fully open. Slight progress 4 sure.
I am off 2 an hr &1/2 drive...will listen 2 t robbins-cd #3Empowering vs. Dis empowering neuro-associations...wow, do i need 2 get better at this.
Finally, I will not drink today...all who read this, please join me!!
Carlos
I am off 2 an hr &1/2 drive...will listen 2 t robbins-cd #3Empowering vs. Dis empowering neuro-associations...wow, do i need 2 get better at this.
Finally, I will not drink today...all who read this, please join me!!
Carlos
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 37
Keep it up Carlos, I'm sure you'll get to where you want to be again. Don't let the fact that you've been drinking again let you forget the wonderful progress you've made in the past. Sober for 11 years before was a great achievement. Some people never manage sustained periods of sobriety. I'm sure you can do it again and stay sober this time. Good luck man!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 226
Hey, Carlos! Day 12 for me, and I will not drink today--no matter what! Keep up the great work and keep it in the day. Have a good one, and I hope you're getting a lot out of the Robbins CDs (from what I've heard, he's really good), though AA is my choice.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: PA and Florida
Posts: 4,179
Hey Itchy, mind if i take another ride on that sober coaster with you today?
Day #7....Week #1...
Carlos
________________________________
Success isn't permanent, and failure isn't fatal....Iron Mike Didka
Day #7....Week #1...
Carlos
________________________________
Success isn't permanent, and failure isn't fatal....Iron Mike Didka
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