Starting a relationship with a former addict?
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Starting a relationship with a former addict?
Ok so I'll give as many details as I can here so I can get the best answers. There are a few variables in this whole mix.
I myself am not an addict. I'm 23 years old and work at a department store. There is a young woman who is a couple years older than I am who is what is called a 'staffing manager'. Every day there is one in charge of making sure staff are in place and things in the store run smoothly. They aren't a manager with a desk though. The very next day, somebody who holds that title might have a shift out on the floor.
I find myself attracted to this young woman. We'll call her Gail. I know that Gail is a recovering addict because on Facebook she has made posts about being clean. I think the last one I saw she was proud to be over two years now. I've heard through the grapevine she is very active in staying that way, going to meeting etc...
Now I drink, but just beer, I've never done drugs, and I've actually never been drunk in my life. So if I were to go on dates with Gail, not drinking would not bother me. Most days a Pepsi is all I want.
What concerns me is that she is kind of my boss (some of the time), and I don't hang out with her outside of work anyway. I've been trying to become friends with her more by talking at work or commenting on her facebook statuses but if I was to go farther with that, I don't know how.
And of course, the reason I joined this board was to ask if there are any considerations I should take into account based on what I know of her past.
I myself am not an addict. I'm 23 years old and work at a department store. There is a young woman who is a couple years older than I am who is what is called a 'staffing manager'. Every day there is one in charge of making sure staff are in place and things in the store run smoothly. They aren't a manager with a desk though. The very next day, somebody who holds that title might have a shift out on the floor.
I find myself attracted to this young woman. We'll call her Gail. I know that Gail is a recovering addict because on Facebook she has made posts about being clean. I think the last one I saw she was proud to be over two years now. I've heard through the grapevine she is very active in staying that way, going to meeting etc...
Now I drink, but just beer, I've never done drugs, and I've actually never been drunk in my life. So if I were to go on dates with Gail, not drinking would not bother me. Most days a Pepsi is all I want.
What concerns me is that she is kind of my boss (some of the time), and I don't hang out with her outside of work anyway. I've been trying to become friends with her more by talking at work or commenting on her facebook statuses but if I was to go farther with that, I don't know how.
And of course, the reason I joined this board was to ask if there are any considerations I should take into account based on what I know of her past.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
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Originally Posted by obrien1187 
Ok so I'll give as many details as I can here so I can get the best answers. There are a few variables in this whole mix.
I myself am not an addict. I'm 23 years old and work at a department store. There is a young woman who is a couple years older than I am who is what is called a 'staffing manager'. Every day there is one in charge of making sure staff are in place and things in the store run smoothly. They aren't a manager with a desk though. The very next day, somebody who holds that title might have a shift out on the floor.
I find myself attracted to this young woman. We'll call her Gail. I know that Gail is a recovering addict because on Facebook she has made posts about being clean. I think the last one I saw she was proud to be over two years now. I've heard through the grapevine she is very active in staying that way, going to meeting etc...
Now I drink, but just beer, I've never done drugs, and I've actually never been drunk in my life. So if I were to go on dates with Gail, not drinking would not bother me. Most days a Pepsi is all I want.
What concerns me is that she is kind of my boss (some of the time), and I don't hang out with her outside of work anyway. I've been trying to become friends with her more by talking at work or commenting on her facebook statuses but if I was to go farther with that, I don't know how.
And of course, the reason I joined this board was to ask if there are any considerations I should take into account based on what I know of her past.
I myself am not an addict. I'm 23 years old and work at a department store. There is a young woman who is a couple years older than I am who is what is called a 'staffing manager'. Every day there is one in charge of making sure staff are in place and things in the store run smoothly. They aren't a manager with a desk though. The very next day, somebody who holds that title might have a shift out on the floor.
I find myself attracted to this young woman. We'll call her Gail. I know that Gail is a recovering addict because on Facebook she has made posts about being clean. I think the last one I saw she was proud to be over two years now. I've heard through the grapevine she is very active in staying that way, going to meeting etc...
Now I drink, but just beer, I've never done drugs, and I've actually never been drunk in my life. So if I were to go on dates with Gail, not drinking would not bother me. Most days a Pepsi is all I want.
What concerns me is that she is kind of my boss (some of the time), and I don't hang out with her outside of work anyway. I've been trying to become friends with her more by talking at work or commenting on her facebook statuses but if I was to go farther with that, I don't know how.
And of course, the reason I joined this board was to ask if there are any considerations I should take into account based on what I know of her past.
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An addict with two years clean/sober--especially one actively working her recovery--isn't a horrible risk. Heck, you could meet someone without a substance problem of any kind, only to have her develop one later.
I think it's the supervisor/employee relationship that might be more awkward. It might be awkward for HER if you were to ask her out. Does the store have any policies in place about dating relationships in the workplace? You could find out from the EEO representative in the store, or from your HR person. Most businesses are very leery about supervisor/employee relationships because of the potential for sexual harassment claims. But if she isn't a full-time supervisor, maybe that's less of a concern.
If you DO decide to ask her out, I would preface it with a disclaimer that you totally understand and will not be offended if she isn't in a position to accept the invitation. That gives her a graceful way to say "no" without worrying about offending you, and would show you are a considerate person.
I think it's the supervisor/employee relationship that might be more awkward. It might be awkward for HER if you were to ask her out. Does the store have any policies in place about dating relationships in the workplace? You could find out from the EEO representative in the store, or from your HR person. Most businesses are very leery about supervisor/employee relationships because of the potential for sexual harassment claims. But if she isn't a full-time supervisor, maybe that's less of a concern.
If you DO decide to ask her out, I would preface it with a disclaimer that you totally understand and will not be offended if she isn't in a position to accept the invitation. That gives her a graceful way to say "no" without worrying about offending you, and would show you are a considerate person.
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At a couple of years she will still be getting to know herself assuming she has made enough internal changes along the way...maybe she might want to not get into a serious relationship yet im only saying that cos if you try and get a knock back that may genuinely be it...obviously she has her meetings and her recovery so if you ok with playing second fiddle to her sobriety and you understand why it has to be that way it might work out ok...who knows...good luck with whatever you decide to do:-)
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Ontario
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Originally Posted by obrien1187
Ok so I'll give as many details as I can here so I can get the best answers. There are a few variables in this whole mix.
I myself am not an addict. I'm 23 years old and work at a department store. There is a young woman who is a couple years older than I am who is what is called a 'staffing manager'. Every day there is one in charge of making sure staff are in place and things in the store run smoothly. They aren't a manager with a desk though. The very next day, somebody who holds that title might have a shift out on the floor.
I find myself attracted to this young woman. We'll call her Gail. I know that Gail is a recovering addict because on Facebook she has made posts about being clean. I think the last one I saw she was proud to be over two years now. I've heard through the grapevine she is very active in staying that way, going to meeting etc...
Now I drink, but just beer, I've never done drugs, and I've actually never been drunk in my life. So if I were to go on dates with Gail, not drinking would not bother me. Most days a Pepsi is all I want.
What concerns me is that she is kind of my boss (some of the time), and I don't hang out with her outside of work anyway. I've been trying to become friends with her more by talking at work or commenting on her facebook statuses but if I was to go farther with that, I don't know how.
And of course, the reason I joined this board was to ask if there are any considerations I should take into account based on what I know of her past.
I myself am not an addict. I'm 23 years old and work at a department store. There is a young woman who is a couple years older than I am who is what is called a 'staffing manager'. Every day there is one in charge of making sure staff are in place and things in the store run smoothly. They aren't a manager with a desk though. The very next day, somebody who holds that title might have a shift out on the floor.
I find myself attracted to this young woman. We'll call her Gail. I know that Gail is a recovering addict because on Facebook she has made posts about being clean. I think the last one I saw she was proud to be over two years now. I've heard through the grapevine she is very active in staying that way, going to meeting etc...
Now I drink, but just beer, I've never done drugs, and I've actually never been drunk in my life. So if I were to go on dates with Gail, not drinking would not bother me. Most days a Pepsi is all I want.
What concerns me is that she is kind of my boss (some of the time), and I don't hang out with her outside of work anyway. I've been trying to become friends with her more by talking at work or commenting on her facebook statuses but if I was to go farther with that, I don't know how.
And of course, the reason I joined this board was to ask if there are any considerations I should take into account based on what I know of her past.
All addicts I've known that drink were eventually lead back to their drug of choice. And I've been doing this recovery thing for 11 years now.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
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Originally Posted by Spawn
This concerns me
All addicts I've known that drink were eventually lead back to their drug of choice. And I've been doing this recovery thing for 11 years now.
All addicts I've known that drink were eventually lead back to their drug of choice. And I've been doing this recovery thing for 11 years now.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
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Originally Posted by Spawn
This concerns me
All addicts I've known that drink were eventually lead back to their drug of choice. And I've been doing this recovery thing for 11 years now.
All addicts I've known that drink were eventually lead back to their drug of choice. And I've been doing this recovery thing for 11 years now.
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 218
I see nothing wrong with asking someone who has 2 years sobriety out on a date. Like others said, the supervisor/employee thing would probably present more of a problem.
Probably someone with 2 years of working a good program has a lot to offer in a relationship....self-awareness, the desire to be honest, a connection with a higher power, and more.
Probably someone with 2 years of working a good program has a lot to offer in a relationship....self-awareness, the desire to be honest, a connection with a higher power, and more.
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As for the rules, yes that is complicated. According to the one friend at work I trust, who herself was recently promoted to the same position, staffing managers aren't really allowed to date floor staff. That said, there's actually a fair amount of dating going on in the place. now one gal recently accepted a demotion because her partner works there, but it's highly buzzed they honchos were more upset that it's because they are gay, not because she was a staffing manager. Whole other problem there.
Thank you to whoever above pointed out to Spawn, that no I am not an addict. I am an occasional drinker of nothing hard. As I said, if she were the right gal, I could live with giving up beer.
Gail was in a relationship just a short time ago according to her Facebook though I might add. Also my 'source' tells me she dated somebody else at work about two years ago and it ended badly. Rumors were it was mostly his fault. That doesn't surprise me. He was a year younger than me but already a department manager who got fired not long after I was hired. Dude was kind of a jerk at times. He pretended to be nice but he wasn't.
Now though I hear Gail is very cautious about co-workers. For now, I think I'm better off trying to figure out how to spend some time with her outside of work, whether it's a date or not. We only talk briefly during work hours, usually around others, so finding that perfect moment is hard.
Also, if I do, what do I say?
Thank you to whoever above pointed out to Spawn, that no I am not an addict. I am an occasional drinker of nothing hard. As I said, if she were the right gal, I could live with giving up beer.
Gail was in a relationship just a short time ago according to her Facebook though I might add. Also my 'source' tells me she dated somebody else at work about two years ago and it ended badly. Rumors were it was mostly his fault. That doesn't surprise me. He was a year younger than me but already a department manager who got fired not long after I was hired. Dude was kind of a jerk at times. He pretended to be nice but he wasn't.
Now though I hear Gail is very cautious about co-workers. For now, I think I'm better off trying to figure out how to spend some time with her outside of work, whether it's a date or not. We only talk briefly during work hours, usually around others, so finding that perfect moment is hard.
Also, if I do, what do I say?
okay,.......I read it wrongA work in progress
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Most addicts and alcoholics in recovery are encouraged to be completely honest--all the time. So it might be problematic for her to date someone if she feels she has to hide the relationship. I'm sure you don't want her to do anything that would jeopardize the new way of life she is living.
I don't have any thoughts on how you spend time with someone outside of work without it being a dating-type situation. Unless, of course, you belong to some activity or group that is hosting an event of some kind (preferably not a drinking-type event) and you invited her to that.
I don't have any thoughts on how you spend time with someone outside of work without it being a dating-type situation. Unless, of course, you belong to some activity or group that is hosting an event of some kind (preferably not a drinking-type event) and you invited her to that.
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And regardless of her past problems I wouldn't wish a job problem on anybody. That's why I don't want want to jump in head first. If it's a date type situation so be it, but I want her to know me more from work before I get there. if we don't pan out, or it'd be too risky, then so be it
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OBrien, you are already aware of the potential issue in dating a coworker/sometime manager.
Aside from that, I think you are tasking yourself with a little too much on the post-addiction front, although I think it is a nice quality in a man to have this kind of sensitivity and thoughtfulness.
I don't know if you watch Family Guy, but you know the one when Brian is enamoured with a black girl and he kind of puts his foot in his mouth with every line he says, trying to seem pro-black and not being preoccupied with the difference in race? If you did approach her and even start seeing each other, I wouldn't want you to accomplish that same thing. What Yeahgr8 said makes perfect sense to me, that she needs to be able to handle someone who is NOT an addict in order to be free herself; so that means that you need to be comfortable being you and having your one drink a month or whatever it is without treating her like a fragile porcelain doll. And that also means not going above and beyond in other ways to make her more comfortable about the difference between the two of you (she is a recovering addict, you are not), because you could highlight that very difference in the process. Know what I mean?
Sounds like you are very, very interested. I think you should exercise precaution only in the sense of what that could mean for you employment-wise (could you end up losing your job, could you move to a different job, would this create friction somehow) etc, etc. And decide whether you want to approach her as a girlfriend out of the feelings you have irrespective of drugs or alcohol. Just be you. If you needed to understand more about addiction, you could always read and post here, particularly in the Friends Of section.
I wish you the best of luck!
Aside from that, I think you are tasking yourself with a little too much on the post-addiction front, although I think it is a nice quality in a man to have this kind of sensitivity and thoughtfulness.
I don't know if you watch Family Guy, but you know the one when Brian is enamoured with a black girl and he kind of puts his foot in his mouth with every line he says, trying to seem pro-black and not being preoccupied with the difference in race? If you did approach her and even start seeing each other, I wouldn't want you to accomplish that same thing. What Yeahgr8 said makes perfect sense to me, that she needs to be able to handle someone who is NOT an addict in order to be free herself; so that means that you need to be comfortable being you and having your one drink a month or whatever it is without treating her like a fragile porcelain doll. And that also means not going above and beyond in other ways to make her more comfortable about the difference between the two of you (she is a recovering addict, you are not), because you could highlight that very difference in the process. Know what I mean?
Sounds like you are very, very interested. I think you should exercise precaution only in the sense of what that could mean for you employment-wise (could you end up losing your job, could you move to a different job, would this create friction somehow) etc, etc. And decide whether you want to approach her as a girlfriend out of the feelings you have irrespective of drugs or alcohol. Just be you. If you needed to understand more about addiction, you could always read and post here, particularly in the Friends Of section.
I wish you the best of luck!
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Toronto68 and Yeahgr8, that is excellent advice, thank you. I mean everybody here has been helpful no doubt, but you two hit points I hadn't considered. One being, that I might be 'considerate to a fault'. And of course, that she needs to accept me, and I need to accept that sometimes her meetings etc... will take center stage.
I should just worry more about about the work front and then be myself. If things go well don't tiptoe around her. We both need to be honest about who we are. She's in recovery and I don't have issues with that or with giving things up myself, or NOT being afraid to have a drink around her if that's something she's ok with.
Thank you. I appreciate it.
P.S. And yes I do want to approach her as a girlfriend more than anything. She's a great gal, funny and hard working, which is why I'm attracted to her.
I should just worry more about about the work front and then be myself. If things go well don't tiptoe around her. We both need to be honest about who we are. She's in recovery and I don't have issues with that or with giving things up myself, or NOT being afraid to have a drink around her if that's something she's ok with.
Thank you. I appreciate it.
P.S. And yes I do want to approach her as a girlfriend more than anything. She's a great gal, funny and hard working, which is why I'm attracted to her.
Last edited by obrien1187; 10-30-2010 at 04:02 PM. Reason: adding
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