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Old 10-28-2010, 10:10 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Feel betrayed... holding on a thin thread


I'm on day 3.. and so far my husband has been really nice and supportive. Well, tonight he was invited to go out and join a bowling league.. I asked him 1 thing, 1 very important thing... just ONE THING!!! To NOT DRINK and then DRIVE MY CAR HOME...

Well, he was 2 hours late coming home, and oh.. ding ding ding!!!! He was drinking!!!!!!!! I'm so furious and hurt and I can't stop crying because I feel like I'm going through something so hard and terrible to NOT drink, and he doesn't even drink much so I thought it would be no big deal for him.. and he did promise to me that he wouldn't drink... but he broke his promise. I don't know what to say or do right now I'm just blinded by this action...

I can't believe he did this to me.. Never again will I praise him for his support...
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Old 10-28-2010, 10:20 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Hey eremc,

I'm sorry you feel let down - I get it - and driving home was really stupid...but we don't shoot our wounded here...& if we can have that understanding for fellow members here, we should be able to extend it to our spouses too I think, yeah?

I don't think he 'did it to you' - he probably didn't think much at all.
But that's humans/husbands/men for ya

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Old 10-28-2010, 10:27 PM   #3 (permalink)
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I understand how you feel. My husband still drinks. When he goes out, I chauffeur him to make sure he's not drinking too much and driving. It stinks.

Even more of a shame is that I know not to even ask him not to drink. He'd promise me and, then, just do it.

When you quit drinking, you see the world around you as it really is. The hardest part for me has been learning to accept the things I cannot change . . . and making them work anyway.

Best.
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Old 10-28-2010, 10:29 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Hi erem! I hope it looks better in the morning...things often do. I'm also glad nothing happened to your husband. Generally he sounds like a pretty good guy....those are kind of hard. To come by so maybe cut him a little slack? Tomorrow maybe talk to him about how much this upset you and why...he probably didn't really get it....normal drinkers don't really understand after all.
whatever you do...don't drink over it...its not worth it.
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Old 10-28-2010, 10:44 PM   #5 (permalink)
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I just feel so hurt... I can't see anything, not even his side, because I'm trapped in this "your sobriety comes first" mentality. He doesn't drink! I don't understand why this one time he goes out, and he promises me he won't drink and drive my car (after crashing his own - sober) and coming home 2 hours later than he said he would. I just can't.. feel anything but some hatred right now.

It hurts me because we're a couple so we go through things together. If I were wounded in some way, say I was in a car accident and couldn't dance with him ever again, 3 days later he goes off and dances with someone else.. it's like a slap in the face. Not sure if that makes sense to others or not..

He shouldn't have done this, unattended or what have you, so early in my recovery. I would have understood if I was a month or more in.. but 3 days? wow.. thanks .. hun..
I really can't see his side at the moment.
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Old 10-28-2010, 10:49 PM   #6 (permalink)
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I literally feel sick to my stomach...
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Old 10-28-2010, 10:49 PM   #7 (permalink)
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I'm sorry you're having a rough time. Some things like this that really upset us I think we need to just get through, and sit with until we see the way. All is not lost, you're still sober and right now that's still what matters.
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Old 10-28-2010, 10:50 PM   #8 (permalink)
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I don't think anyone here was suggesting you can't feel let down or annoyed - but the really important thing right now is to not drink over it eremc.

You're among friends here

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Old 10-28-2010, 10:53 PM   #9 (permalink)
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I want to... I do.. but damnit I'm better than that.. He WILL be getting a cold cold silent treatment tomorrow. Thanks everyone.. I wanted to punch him in the face so bad.. I made him leave the room.
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Old 10-28-2010, 10:58 PM   #10 (permalink)
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You deserve to tell him how you feel and tell him what you need right now.
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Old 10-28-2010, 11:14 PM   #11 (permalink)
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I will when I decide to start talking to him again.. he's passed out right now while I'm wide awake after he woke me up getting in late.
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Old 10-28-2010, 11:36 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Erem - I am so sorry and feel for you. I could launch into stuff, but you have received good advice and it sounds like you are going to make it through. You could draw a sharpie moustache on him while he is sleeping .. or write him a note that you either do or do not decide to attach to the steering wheel next time he asks to borrow your car to go out...

I know I am going to being really cranky with my husband for not understanding, so I feel you. But that's just me - not saying you are cranky!

kudos for not drinking.
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Old 10-28-2010, 11:55 PM   #13 (permalink)
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My wife still drinks and still smokes. Of course she doesn't drink like I did. When she heard I was quitting both she offered to smoke outside and I said that she didn't have to, but she wanted both of us to smoke outside before anyway. She does have her two drinks after work in front of me and there is a bottle of scotch in the house.

It is possible to separate out who owns what issues and have peace. If I have a relapse it won't be her fault, that would be my issue. I can understand your feelings especially now at this early stage in your sobriety, because feelings can be amplified and confusing. He shouldn't promise what he doesn't plan to deliver, and that can hurt.

Since you say he hardly drinks perhaps it might be constructive for him to consider becoming involved in ALANON? He is the spouse and family of an alcoholic right? They need some support too. Just remember he isn't perfect any more than we are. I can't count the times I told my wife that I needed to quit drinking and was going to, and broke those promises to myself and her. Thank goodness she forgave me my goofs, as it all is working out in the end. The important thing is your sobriety. Take a few deep breaths and cut yourself a sprout too.
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Old 10-29-2010, 12:36 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Pray. Try reading working with others and the family afterward in the BB.

Be a power of example.

Grab hold of a spiritual principle and make a shift; even if it's one degree. Forgiveness, tolerance, love, humility,

We all know about that curious mental craving. The unconcious and concious craving.
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Old 10-29-2010, 04:56 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Just remember he isn't perfect any more than we are. I can't count the times I told my wife that I needed to quit drinking and was going to, and broke those promises to myself and her. Thank goodness she forgave me my goofs, as it all is working out in the end. The important thing is your sobriety. Take a few deep breaths and cut yourself a sprout too.
ITA. My husband has been atypically thoughtless twice in the past few days (not drinking related) and I got upset in my head but talked myself down. Because in the 8 years he's endured my alcoholism... I was nothing but thoughtless, 90% of the time. So now suddenly I'm giving 110% and I expect him to snap to it? Not fair, IMO.

I know your situation is different but somewhat comparable, I think. In the early days of recovery when we're so uber-focused on things. It's kind of hard to keep perspective, I think.
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Old 10-29-2010, 06:03 AM   #16 (permalink)
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Ere, I know you are upset and I am glad you are here venting rather then taking it out on your husband.

Yes, he broke a promise and it wasn't right but ignoring him and being so angry is not healthy for you or for your relationship. Lets remember that our partners didn't kick us to the curb with the garbage we did when we drank nor did they walk away from us when we relapsed. Get what I am saying here?

I know it is rough and early sobriety is puts us in a real tough spot. We are so focused on not drinking that sometimes we spread it to all areas of our life and those in it. It is normal. I remember going off on a rant because someone was drunk in a restaurant nearby and it irritated me. I would almost look for any sign or drinking and for some reason it bothered the heck out of me. I remember cringing a bit inside for a few seconds when my hubby poured his first beer after I got sober. I just walked into the bedroom and laid on the bed a few minutes and it passed.

Take it easy and know that it does get better. I would calmly talk to your husband in terms of drinking and driving. He sounds like a great partner and I am sure he meant nothing of it.

For me the hardest part of the beginning of my recovery was understanding that this is my problem. Yes, there is support that we need out there but our drinking is quite an internal battle. It is a journey we take and others no matter how supportive they are....really aren't going to get it.

My own hubby just said to me the other week - Gee, it would be nice of have my wife be able to go out and have a few drinks with me. I miss being able to go out to a party or dinner and share a drink. Ummm.....could I have reamed him up and down? Maybe. For what though? Because he doesn't understand what it is like to be an alcoholic? The thing here is that - I do and I am the one ultimately responsible at the end of my first sober days and for the rest of my life. My recovery is on me.

Take it easy, don't be hard on yourself nor on him. Its just the beginning so focus on your sobriety. It is on you to keep it and to seek support in recovery. Coming here was a good thing.

All the best!
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Old 10-29-2010, 06:12 AM   #17 (permalink)
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and oh.. ding ding ding!!!! He was drinking!!!!!!!! I'm so furious
...but he broke his promise.
I found, especially when I got into the inventory phase of AA that the I did just about everything I was mad at others for doing. I drank and drove, I lied, I broke promises, I did things I regretted, I made mistakes......but I chastised everyone around me for doing them as well. Pot calling the kettle black sort of stuff. Once I started looking at my part, feeling horrible about it, and wanting forgiveness for myself.....there was just no way I could continue to not let others off the hook as well.



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I can't believe he did this to me.. Never again will I praise him for his support...
You may find that we tend to reap what we sow. I'd be careful with that one.
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Old 10-29-2010, 06:19 AM   #18 (permalink)
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I thank everyone for their thoughts and opinions. I will forgive him, but I'm still hurt over it so not quite ready. The problem I'm having is that we were on our way home from food shopping and I said to him in a VERY serious manner "I feel really uncomfortable if you drink while you're out and then drive my car home" - I never said he couldn't have a beer, just not to drive. He could have said "ok then you can take me".. He didn't. He promised me that he wouldn't drink because he doesn't want me to feel bad. But he did anyway, and then proceeded to drive home in my new car. (The only car we have left btw)

While I understand that I'm far from perfect and I should be more understanding since it's ME who has the problem, not him... as I tell my kids, "2 wrongs don't make a right" .. It really doesn't give him a get out of jail free card to do wrong. I don't expect him to be perfect, but I do expect him to be responsible. I know I've messed up big time in the past and will make other mistakes as does everyone. But we're supposed to learn from mistakes, and try not to make new ones. He knows the risk of drinking and driving. And he also knew that I would be upset that he drank when I would like him to be by my side in this, which is why he rinsed out his mouth to try and hide it. That's my old trick... Like I said 2 wrongs don't make a right. He can drink.. I can't. I get that. It was a little insensitive of him to do that, and for me to be so mad about it.

I haven't decided what to say to him yet.. all I told him is that I'm mad and hurt.
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Old 10-29-2010, 06:22 AM   #19 (permalink)
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How drunk was he?
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Old 10-29-2010, 06:24 AM   #20 (permalink)
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How drunk was he?
I haven't asked him how much he drank.. 2 beers would do him in since he doesn't drink much. He seemed pretty buzzed because his speech was slightly slurred and he looked tired.
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