Feel betrayed... holding on a thin thread
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Join Date: Aug 2010
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Originally Posted by DayTrader 
I found, especially when I got into the inventory phase of AA that the I did just about everything I was mad at others for doing. I drank and drove, I lied, I broke promises, I did things I regretted, I made mistakes......but I chastised everyone around me for doing them as well. Pot calling the kettle black sort of stuff. Once I started looking at my part, feeling horrible about it, and wanting forgiveness for myself.....there was just no way I could continue to not let others off the hook as well.
You may find that we tend to reap what we sow. I'd be careful with that one.
You may find that we tend to reap what we sow. I'd be careful with that one.
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I don't know why but this just feels so typical to me. I don't know if it's a test. Or an eff you. Or the typically responsible partner exhaling a bit now that you're taking responsiblity.
I don't know. It just feels familiar to me.
I'd stick to the "I feel" stuff when you talk to him.
I don't know. It just feels familiar to me.
I'd stick to the "I feel" stuff when you talk to him.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 302
Originally Posted by SSIL75
I don't know why but this just feels so typical to me. I don't know if it's a test. Or an eff you. Or the typically responsible partner exhaling a bit now that you're taking responsiblity.
I don't know. It just feels familiar to me.
I'd stick to the "I feel" stuff when you talk to him.
I don't know. It just feels familiar to me.
I'd stick to the "I feel" stuff when you talk to him.
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Anna's right.
I kind of expected my wife not to drink, and she has a drink at the end of the night, every night... made me freakin' crazy.
Once I let go of the expectation that maybe she'd support me and not drink... my resentment vanished. Seriously... Promises create expectations... He made some when he married you (sickness and health, no one before you... all that)... as long he makes good on those, well... you could say you are one of the lucky (blessed) ones...
I kind of expected my wife not to drink, and she has a drink at the end of the night, every night... made me freakin' crazy.
Once I let go of the expectation that maybe she'd support me and not drink... my resentment vanished. Seriously... Promises create expectations... He made some when he married you (sickness and health, no one before you... all that)... as long he makes good on those, well... you could say you are one of the lucky (blessed) ones...
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Ireland
Posts: 1,641
Stupid Husband
Hi Erem,
glad everything seems better now.
I just want to say, sorry that happened.
He needs a kick in the pants for drink-driving.
I was VERY emotional at first. Am still more emotional.
I don't think it was aimed at hurting you.
I think he may not have wanted to ask you to drive him because of how early it is in your struggle.
I think, like SSIL said, he might have released the relief valve a little.
Tell him that if he crashes your car, you will finish the job on him!
Say this with kindness and love.
Remember H>A>L>T, Do not get hungry,
angry, lonely or tired.
Big squishy annoying hugs to you.
ps, during the summer, I stayed with my sister and husband on holiday. They were like they never drank before! They were whaling back the wine!
My other sister was amazed. We both laughed because, they wouldn't be huge drinkers at all! They just got a severe case of the "stupids"!
I don't expect anyone NOT to drink, but this was ridiculous!
glad everything seems better now.
I just want to say, sorry that happened.
He needs a kick in the pants for drink-driving.
I was VERY emotional at first. Am still more emotional.
I don't think it was aimed at hurting you.
I think he may not have wanted to ask you to drive him because of how early it is in your struggle.
I think, like SSIL said, he might have released the relief valve a little.
Tell him that if he crashes your car, you will finish the job on him!
Say this with kindness and love.
Remember H>A>L>T, Do not get hungry,
angry, lonely or tired.
Big squishy annoying hugs to you.
ps, during the summer, I stayed with my sister and husband on holiday. They were like they never drank before! They were whaling back the wine!
My other sister was amazed. We both laughed because, they wouldn't be huge drinkers at all! They just got a severe case of the "stupids"!
I don't expect anyone NOT to drink, but this was ridiculous!
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Between Serenity and Despair
Posts: 522
eremc -- I'm glad you got things worked out with your husband. Early sobriety is a crazy time. As you mentioned, emotions can be everywhere. A molehill becomes a mountain, and so forth.
If I were in your shoes, I'd probably make a bigger deal out of the drinking and driving than anything else. Your husband needs to let you drive him if he's going to drink. DUI is costly, but his impaired judgement could actually end up being deadly.
It's ironic that drunk driving is such a big deal to me. I used to take a cooler of beer with me everywhere I went. DayTrader makes a good point about resentments really being about "you."
I do understand your hurt feelings over this. Nothing I say is meant to imply that I don't.
If I were in your shoes, I'd probably make a bigger deal out of the drinking and driving than anything else. Your husband needs to let you drive him if he's going to drink. DUI is costly, but his impaired judgement could actually end up being deadly.
It's ironic that drunk driving is such a big deal to me. I used to take a cooler of beer with me everywhere I went. DayTrader makes a good point about resentments really being about "you."
I do understand your hurt feelings over this. Nothing I say is meant to imply that I don't.
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Germany
Posts: 2,058
Glad to see the update and there is a lot of good input/support in this thread.
We get it and early sobriety is a confusing time especially when faced with situations early on like this.
I just want to share how proud I am of how you worked through this. You didn't drink, you came to SR and shared, got some rest and then discussed what happened. Good for you!!
Keep the journey going
We get it and early sobriety is a confusing time especially when faced with situations early on like this.
I just want to share how proud I am of how you worked through this. You didn't drink, you came to SR and shared, got some rest and then discussed what happened. Good for you!!
Keep the journey going
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: the high desert
Posts: 887
:ghug3Hugs to you!
When I was at about 60 days sober, my husband decided he would stop drinking (wow, really, after two months he thought it might be helpful to me for him not to drink???). Well, he made it almost 3 weeks, not quite.
I can totally understand how you feel. For either a "normie" or an active alcoholic, it is hard to understand how hard it is, especially in the early days, to not drink. Support comes in many ways. But not drinking is a big one, or at least not drinking and driving your car!!!!!
I hope that once you calm down a little (and I do not blame you at all for being upset!), you can talk with him and explain how upset you were by this and why.
When I was at about 60 days sober, my husband decided he would stop drinking (wow, really, after two months he thought it might be helpful to me for him not to drink???). Well, he made it almost 3 weeks, not quite.
I can totally understand how you feel. For either a "normie" or an active alcoholic, it is hard to understand how hard it is, especially in the early days, to not drink. Support comes in many ways. But not drinking is a big one, or at least not drinking and driving your car!!!!!
I hope that once you calm down a little (and I do not blame you at all for being upset!), you can talk with him and explain how upset you were by this and why.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 302
Yes, I did talk to him about it and he apologised like crazy.. next time he asks to go out with friends, however.. I'm driving him! He was sorry that he broke his promise also. I realised that I'm really pretty much alone in this (not that I don't share the experience with others and get useful information from you all, but..) I'm alone in the sense that I can't count on anyone but myself to get me sober and stay that way. No one else can do that for me. I hate feeling like I'm trapped in a pity party all the time doing this.. I just have to suck it up and stop feeling so sorry for myself and stop thinking "oh poor me, I'm an alcoholic.. I need help, blah blah.. " I'm going to do this for me, I don't care about not drinking and being around others who will drink - I might have a difficult time at first but I'm seriously being a coward.
So, I am alone and I'm the only one I can count on to get through this.
So, I am alone and I'm the only one I can count on to get through this.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Ontario
Posts: 806
Originally Posted by eremc08
I'm on day 3.. and so far my husband has been really nice and supportive. Well, tonight he was invited to go out and join a bowling league.. I asked him 1 thing, 1 very important thing... just ONE THING!!! To NOT DRINK and then DRIVE MY CAR HOME...
Well, he was 2 hours late coming home, and oh.. ding ding ding!!!! He was drinking!!!!!!!! I'm so furious and hurt and I can't stop crying because I feel like I'm going through something so hard and terrible to NOT drink, and he doesn't even drink much so I thought it would be no big deal for him.. and he did promise to me that he wouldn't drink... but he broke his promise. I don't know what to say or do right now I'm just blinded by this action...
I can't believe he did this to me.. Never again will I praise him for his support...
Well, he was 2 hours late coming home, and oh.. ding ding ding!!!! He was drinking!!!!!!!! I'm so furious and hurt and I can't stop crying because I feel like I'm going through something so hard and terrible to NOT drink, and he doesn't even drink much so I thought it would be no big deal for him.. and he did promise to me that he wouldn't drink... but he broke his promise. I don't know what to say or do right now I'm just blinded by this action...
I can't believe he did this to me.. Never again will I praise him for his support...
welcome to the familyI just wanted to share some thoughts, don't be so hard on your husband, okay he let you down,........maybe he has a problem as well? Alcoholism is a nasty thing it has many layers,...usually the first layer is denial. It's good to share your feelings with your spouse but don't allow your feelings to turn into resentments, a part of recovery is learning to forgive yourself for past wrongs but also forgiving wrongs done to you. The good book says love does not keep track. It's awesome you want to change! but you can't change others! Sometimes the best thing to do is live by example. Show others you can not drink and be happy and maybe it'll rub off?
God bless you on your new journey
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Join Date: Oct 2010
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eremc08,
You said that "So, I am alone and I'm the only one I can count on to get through this."
First off you are in day three and I assume that you are going through detox? If you are in day three of detox you aren't really going to be doing a lot of clear thinking, and anger and victimization in one form or another, to a greater or lesser degree, is pretty much a universal experience in the first few days of withdrawal. My hat is off to you for posting and venting here, because here you can get experienced feedback from those of us who went through exactly what you are going through now. And you will get agreement from some and from others some different perspective.
There is a subtle distinction between sympathy and empathy, but a very important one from my perspective. I sympathize with no one, I empathize with many. Sympathy is feeling sorry for someone for me. It is looking down on them, and candy coating things, being co dependent, and does not involve respect. Empathy for me is putting myself in their shoes, and understanding how they feel without feeling sorry for them. It is sometimes being a friend and giving them what they might need to hear, instead of what they want to hear. In my recovery I don't want sympathy, but the empathy I get from those who respect me and whom I respect is sustaining and helps me get over the difficult things because I get outside myself and see my issue/s through the eyes of another who cares.
So, I am alone and I'm the only one I can count on to get through this.
I would, were I you, find an AA meeting and go ASAP were I in your position. Maybe that isn't for you. But also bear in mind that your husband probably feels all alone in being the spouse of someone going through detox. We can get a large range of strong emotions pop up during the first days that make sense to us at the time, but are not rational in our own hindsight.
And I'd suggest to my spouse if I blew up at her during detox, or got into a self pity party, that she go to ALANON to learn some skills to deal with me, which would ultimately get me the support I need, not necessarily the support I want. Now that would give me and my spouse some common groung to make the changes in ourselves, and our relationship, that could only strengthen our bonds and resolve to not let alcohol steal our happiness and peace from us . . . again.
It makes nodifference that my wife keeps scotch in the house. Because I am a big boy and it is also just ten minutes down the road if I want to relapse. I will go to social functions and will get a drink in my hand before anybody asks which will be a soft drink or maybe a scotch and water with a twist, hold the scotch. Sobriety may not always be easy, but it is a majority of the time. Alcoholism seems fun at first but is never easy either physically as we feel real pain, lose days of our lives to alocohol induced hangovers and real illnesses, nor emotionally as we regret actions and decisions we have made that lets our self respect and dignity pour out of our lives like the sands in an hourglass.
Life isn't fair, nor does it always disappoint. We still will feel pain sometimes, grief, anger, sadness, but also joy, peace, happiness, and enthusiasm and be ablet o make sane decisions about how we deal with each. Remember that we cannot control our emotions at all. If something makes us angry we can't stop that feeling. If something makes us laugh we can't stop that feeling either. But we can always choose how we act out our emotions. Alcohol lets us forget about those all important life choices and run away from them. For me, I have found that no matter where I run, or how far, I always bring myself with me. For better or for worse. I choose better.
You aren't alone, maybe you believe in a HP, maybe not. But we here are only the tip of the iceberg. There are many more alcoholics in hiding that will die from the dis-ease at worst and at best suffer in silence as they lose it all as it progresses. No you certainly aren't alone. But one of the main things about alcoholics is that we isolate ourselves from others, to one degree or another. And never find peace. No other can give us peace.
We have to give it to ourselves, and share it with others, especially those we love. I wish you peace.
You said that "So, I am alone and I'm the only one I can count on to get through this."
First off you are in day three and I assume that you are going through detox? If you are in day three of detox you aren't really going to be doing a lot of clear thinking, and anger and victimization in one form or another, to a greater or lesser degree, is pretty much a universal experience in the first few days of withdrawal. My hat is off to you for posting and venting here, because here you can get experienced feedback from those of us who went through exactly what you are going through now. And you will get agreement from some and from others some different perspective.
There is a subtle distinction between sympathy and empathy, but a very important one from my perspective. I sympathize with no one, I empathize with many. Sympathy is feeling sorry for someone for me. It is looking down on them, and candy coating things, being co dependent, and does not involve respect. Empathy for me is putting myself in their shoes, and understanding how they feel without feeling sorry for them. It is sometimes being a friend and giving them what they might need to hear, instead of what they want to hear. In my recovery I don't want sympathy, but the empathy I get from those who respect me and whom I respect is sustaining and helps me get over the difficult things because I get outside myself and see my issue/s through the eyes of another who cares.
So, I am alone and I'm the only one I can count on to get through this.
I would, were I you, find an AA meeting and go ASAP were I in your position. Maybe that isn't for you. But also bear in mind that your husband probably feels all alone in being the spouse of someone going through detox. We can get a large range of strong emotions pop up during the first days that make sense to us at the time, but are not rational in our own hindsight.
And I'd suggest to my spouse if I blew up at her during detox, or got into a self pity party, that she go to ALANON to learn some skills to deal with me, which would ultimately get me the support I need, not necessarily the support I want. Now that would give me and my spouse some common groung to make the changes in ourselves, and our relationship, that could only strengthen our bonds and resolve to not let alcohol steal our happiness and peace from us . . . again.
It makes nodifference that my wife keeps scotch in the house. Because I am a big boy and it is also just ten minutes down the road if I want to relapse. I will go to social functions and will get a drink in my hand before anybody asks which will be a soft drink or maybe a scotch and water with a twist, hold the scotch. Sobriety may not always be easy, but it is a majority of the time. Alcoholism seems fun at first but is never easy either physically as we feel real pain, lose days of our lives to alocohol induced hangovers and real illnesses, nor emotionally as we regret actions and decisions we have made that lets our self respect and dignity pour out of our lives like the sands in an hourglass.
Life isn't fair, nor does it always disappoint. We still will feel pain sometimes, grief, anger, sadness, but also joy, peace, happiness, and enthusiasm and be ablet o make sane decisions about how we deal with each. Remember that we cannot control our emotions at all. If something makes us angry we can't stop that feeling. If something makes us laugh we can't stop that feeling either. But we can always choose how we act out our emotions. Alcohol lets us forget about those all important life choices and run away from them. For me, I have found that no matter where I run, or how far, I always bring myself with me. For better or for worse. I choose better.
You aren't alone, maybe you believe in a HP, maybe not. But we here are only the tip of the iceberg. There are many more alcoholics in hiding that will die from the dis-ease at worst and at best suffer in silence as they lose it all as it progresses. No you certainly aren't alone. But one of the main things about alcoholics is that we isolate ourselves from others, to one degree or another. And never find peace. No other can give us peace.
We have to give it to ourselves, and share it with others, especially those we love. I wish you peace.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: the high desert
Posts: 887
Originally Posted by eremc08
Yes, I did talk to him about it and he apologised like crazy.. next time he asks to go out with friends, however.. I'm driving him! He was sorry that he broke his promise also. I realised that I'm really pretty much alone in this (not that I don't share the experience with others and get useful information from you all, but..) I'm alone in the sense that I can't count on anyone but myself to get me sober and stay that way. No one else can do that for me. I hate feeling like I'm trapped in a pity party all the time doing this.. I just have to suck it up and stop feeling so sorry for myself and stop thinking "oh poor me, I'm an alcoholic.. I need help, blah blah.. " I'm going to do this for me, I don't care about not drinking and being around others who will drink - I might have a difficult time at first but I'm seriously being a coward.
So, I am alone and I'm the only one I can count on to get through this.
So, I am alone and I'm the only one I can count on to get through this.
We alone need to get ourselves sober, and we can only do it for ourselves. no one can do it for you. You can have support, and a great support system, but it is up to you to do the work!
Good job!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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