Grasping At Smoke
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Cary, NC
Posts: 715
Grasping At Smoke
ESH –
I like goals. I like them a lot. It took me a long time to realize that I could get what I wanted if I just focused and sacrificed and committed myself. And then, when that achievement came, I felt great, fabulous, and I knew that I had taken another step in the right direction.
But I have a problem. It’s the quintessential problem of my sobriety: when do I let go?
Because I have this image of what life should be like—the job, the girl, the friends, the adventure—all these different things that I think will make me happy. It’s like I operate a step removed. I don’t do what makes me happy. I do what I think will make me happy, a puppet-master controlling strings in the background.
It comes down partly to expectations.
I expected to be able to sleep easily at 30 days but it never happened.
I expected to have a great circle of friends at 90 days but it never happened.
I expected this and I expected that and the scary part is, most of those expectations came true. That makes it even harder to let go of the expectations that don’t, that can’t, that won’t. But that’s not the way I do it, right? I’m supposed to try harder, dig deeper, commit more, never give up, never surrender—when I’m grasping at smoke.
Sobriety, for me, is not a linear path. There is no straight line.
Letting go is tough. Letting go of what I think should be is even tougher.
But by attaching myself to expectations too rigidly, I miss opportunities that come my way, all because life has to be this certain way. I close myself off to people I meet or to other opportunities because I’m too focused on my path and my way. It’s not intentional. It’s a problem I almost never can see because that requires stepping back and that’s difficult too.
Look, I’m not complaining.
But maybe there’s a better way to live. One that has some balance. One that relies on living in the moment, on intuition rather than micromanagement, on being present rather than looking to the future.
Just had to get that out.
Thanks for letting me share
I like goals. I like them a lot. It took me a long time to realize that I could get what I wanted if I just focused and sacrificed and committed myself. And then, when that achievement came, I felt great, fabulous, and I knew that I had taken another step in the right direction.
But I have a problem. It’s the quintessential problem of my sobriety: when do I let go?
Because I have this image of what life should be like—the job, the girl, the friends, the adventure—all these different things that I think will make me happy. It’s like I operate a step removed. I don’t do what makes me happy. I do what I think will make me happy, a puppet-master controlling strings in the background.
It comes down partly to expectations.
I expected to be able to sleep easily at 30 days but it never happened.
I expected to have a great circle of friends at 90 days but it never happened.
I expected this and I expected that and the scary part is, most of those expectations came true. That makes it even harder to let go of the expectations that don’t, that can’t, that won’t. But that’s not the way I do it, right? I’m supposed to try harder, dig deeper, commit more, never give up, never surrender—when I’m grasping at smoke.
Sobriety, for me, is not a linear path. There is no straight line.
Letting go is tough. Letting go of what I think should be is even tougher.
But by attaching myself to expectations too rigidly, I miss opportunities that come my way, all because life has to be this certain way. I close myself off to people I meet or to other opportunities because I’m too focused on my path and my way. It’s not intentional. It’s a problem I almost never can see because that requires stepping back and that’s difficult too.
Look, I’m not complaining.
But maybe there’s a better way to live. One that has some balance. One that relies on living in the moment, on intuition rather than micromanagement, on being present rather than looking to the future.
Just had to get that out.
Thanks for letting me share
Leap of Faith Survivor
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
Originally Posted by Draciack 
It comes down partly to expectations.
by attaching myself to expectations too rigidly, I miss opportunities that come my way, all because life has to be this certain way. I close myself off to people I meet or to other opportunities because I’m too focused on my path and my way.
But maybe there’s a better way to live. One that has some balance. One that relies on living in the moment, on intuition rather than micromanagement, on being present rather than looking to the future.
by attaching myself to expectations too rigidly, I miss opportunities that come my way, all because life has to be this certain way. I close myself off to people I meet or to other opportunities because I’m too focused on my path and my way.
But maybe there’s a better way to live. One that has some balance. One that relies on living in the moment, on intuition rather than micromanagement, on being present rather than looking to the future.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Lots of insight there, my friend!! A benefit of sobriety, for sure!
What came to my mind while reading your post is something I got out of reading some Eastern philosphy/Buddhist material years ago. If we had no expectations (attachment to the outcome of our actions), we wouldn't suffer.
So the idea is to have as little expectation as possible. One way of doing that is to stay in the present moment and practice acceptance. (Read the Power of Now if you're interested in that idea).
As far as setting goals, maybe think about it in terms of setting your intentions (develop friendships, improve health, whatever) in positive terms. (Another book by a different author: The Power of Intention, by Wayne Dyer). Think of it like you think about sobriety: if you see the positive in sobriety and stay in today with it, you'll reach your goals (a year sober, new friends, etc.).
So maybe focus on your thinking rather than the accomplishment or expection (negative vs positive thinking, and acceptance of whatever outcome as the "perfect" thing to be happening right now).
Does any of that make sense? haha - just trying to be brief and it's hard!!!
What came to my mind while reading your post is something I got out of reading some Eastern philosphy/Buddhist material years ago. If we had no expectations (attachment to the outcome of our actions), we wouldn't suffer.
So the idea is to have as little expectation as possible. One way of doing that is to stay in the present moment and practice acceptance. (Read the Power of Now if you're interested in that idea).
As far as setting goals, maybe think about it in terms of setting your intentions (develop friendships, improve health, whatever) in positive terms. (Another book by a different author: The Power of Intention, by Wayne Dyer). Think of it like you think about sobriety: if you see the positive in sobriety and stay in today with it, you'll reach your goals (a year sober, new friends, etc.).
So maybe focus on your thinking rather than the accomplishment or expection (negative vs positive thinking, and acceptance of whatever outcome as the "perfect" thing to be happening right now).
Does any of that make sense? haha - just trying to be brief and it's hard!!!
Re-Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Colorado Springs, Colorado
Posts: 7,583
Success lies not in achieving what you aim at but in aiming at what you ought to achieve.
I achieved all of your expectations listed on your first post Draciak. My family and friends never lost faith in me. I realized I couldn't do it alone, but I did realize I was in no way in any semblance of control. Just because I maintained externally doesn't mean I was alright internally. My sobriety is not a simple thing, because as the internal things came back then I had to drink some more until I couldn't they were submerged, along with me. It is one day at a time.
But you're all right it isn't linear. I am just starting and with the energy and feeling good am running all over the place in my head, and having my ups and downs, because I am not as comfortable in this skin as I was in the old one. Because I now have to re-examine all of my premises while trying to relearn how to live in my own real skin. Think about the words to the old Beatles song "Let It Be," they can mean a lot about this situation.
I achieved all of your expectations listed on your first post Draciak. My family and friends never lost faith in me. I realized I couldn't do it alone, but I did realize I was in no way in any semblance of control. Just because I maintained externally doesn't mean I was alright internally. My sobriety is not a simple thing, because as the internal things came back then I had to drink some more until I couldn't they were submerged, along with me. It is one day at a time.
But you're all right it isn't linear. I am just starting and with the energy and feeling good am running all over the place in my head, and having my ups and downs, because I am not as comfortable in this skin as I was in the old one. Because I now have to re-examine all of my premises while trying to relearn how to live in my own real skin. Think about the words to the old Beatles song "Let It Be," they can mean a lot about this situation.
Guest
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 2,013
Thanks for the post. I can relate to the post and I know that for me then when i'm in balance then my thinking is content to stay in the present moment and I feel hopeful that things will turn out, and invariably they have done in recovery thus far. I know that for me then when I remain grounded and stay totally grateful for simply being sober then this is when I feel so content. I'm happy to accept my alcoholism and let life unfold as it plans to.
The balancing act is a tricky thing and something which for me can only come through lived experience. I know that when I am off balance then i can be so hard on myself and lose sight of all I have achieved in my recovery from where I came from. I need never forget how grateful I should be for simply being sober and in a position to move forwards in my life as opposed to backwards towards prison, unemployment and suicide/death.
When I am feeling totally on balance like I have been the past few days then everything seems so clear in my mind. I am just so grateful to be sober and in a position to have gotten a second chance at life again, two years ago I thought I would die a drunk and would have took that to be honest.
Thanks again for the post. I can relate to what you're talking about and thanks for your ESH.
Peace
The balancing act is a tricky thing and something which for me can only come through lived experience. I know that when I am off balance then i can be so hard on myself and lose sight of all I have achieved in my recovery from where I came from. I need never forget how grateful I should be for simply being sober and in a position to move forwards in my life as opposed to backwards towards prison, unemployment and suicide/death.
When I am feeling totally on balance like I have been the past few days then everything seems so clear in my mind. I am just so grateful to be sober and in a position to have gotten a second chance at life again, two years ago I thought I would die a drunk and would have took that to be honest.
Thanks again for the post. I can relate to what you're talking about and thanks for your ESH.
Peace
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,491
I have found a few quotes that have really opened my eyes, and this one from Deepak Chopra spoke volumes to me:
If you want to reach a state of bliss, then go beyond your ego and the internal dialogue. Make a decision to relinquish the need to control, the need to be approved, and the need to judge. Those are the three things the ego is doing all the time. It's very important to be aware of them every time they come up.
If you want to reach a state of bliss, then go beyond your ego and the internal dialogue. Make a decision to relinquish the need to control, the need to be approved, and the need to judge. Those are the three things the ego is doing all the time. It's very important to be aware of them every time they come up.
Guest
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 2,013
Hi Anna. Thanks for that and for me then I try to live like that particularly at this moment of meeting loads of new people. I always remember and try to live by the "To thine ownself be true" quote that I picked up here at SR and AA. As long as I am always true to myself then I have nothing to fear.
I speak with quite a heavy local accent/dialect from where I'm from and because the University I attend is a good one then there are many students there from private education who obviously speak with no reference to where their heritage is. I ain't gonna be ashamed as it's who I am so I have nothing to be ashamed of. To be honest I am pretty chilled out if people like me then great, if not then I ain't going to take it personally. I like myself now and have a lot of lived life experience compared to them who are naive to the realities of life on the street, so to speak.
Thanks for the post Draciack.
peace
I speak with quite a heavy local accent/dialect from where I'm from and because the University I attend is a good one then there are many students there from private education who obviously speak with no reference to where their heritage is. I ain't gonna be ashamed as it's who I am so I have nothing to be ashamed of. To be honest I am pretty chilled out if people like me then great, if not then I ain't going to take it personally. I like myself now and have a lot of lived life experience compared to them who are naive to the realities of life on the street, so to speak.
Thanks for the post Draciack.
peace
Practice Sobriety
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: KC missouri
Posts: 885
I thought it was funny in a meeting AA comes down to lowering expectations, because having expectations for me of having a large house, some hot girl, if I get all those I probably still won't be happy. So Keep it simple, breath, pray, connect, those are what make me happy.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Cary, NC
Posts: 715
Thanks for the responses, everyone
Anna, that's a great quote. I like that it's framed as a decision too, something I can choose to do.
Neo, I agree completely that a lot of these things are just life lessons, lessons I missed because I was drunk all the time. It's all process really.
There's some perfectionism here too: not just "I want what I want" but "I have to have it exactly this way or else..." Perfectionism allows for no deviations, no changes to the original plan (or original vision), and that's a boring way to live.
The solution seems simple: intentionally deviate from the plan. Or, put better, cultivate spontaneity. I'm off to have some fun. Maybe take a trip. I've created a box around my life, so now I get to break out of it.
Anna, that's a great quote. I like that it's framed as a decision too, something I can choose to do.
Neo, I agree completely that a lot of these things are just life lessons, lessons I missed because I was drunk all the time. It's all process really.
There's some perfectionism here too: not just "I want what I want" but "I have to have it exactly this way or else..." Perfectionism allows for no deviations, no changes to the original plan (or original vision), and that's a boring way to live.
The solution seems simple: intentionally deviate from the plan. Or, put better, cultivate spontaneity. I'm off to have some fun. Maybe take a trip. I've created a box around my life, so now I get to break out of it.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: massachusetts
Posts: 2,216
What a great discussion! One of the things I love about SR are the thought provoking posts! Hmmmm, I really like that quote, Anna, and I liked the agreement on the need for balance. I PARTICULARLY liked the comment about intentions vs expectations.
One of the things that has frustrated me in the past is the paradoxes in recovery. On the one hand, one needs to "live in the now", but that kind of thinking allowed my addiction to go on and on. So, we have to consider consequences, but isn't that messing with staying in the now?
Sometimes, I just throw my hands up and say, if it feels right and I can look in the mirror, and honestly feel my choices are made with the highest possible personal integrity, then I must be doing SOMETHING right.
One of the things that has frustrated me in the past is the paradoxes in recovery. On the one hand, one needs to "live in the now", but that kind of thinking allowed my addiction to go on and on. So, we have to consider consequences, but isn't that messing with staying in the now?
Sometimes, I just throw my hands up and say, if it feels right and I can look in the mirror, and honestly feel my choices are made with the highest possible personal integrity, then I must be doing SOMETHING right.
rode hard and put away wet
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 999
"Expectation is the root of all heartache."
William Shakespeare
"Expectation is the death of serenity."
I read this somewhere in some Al-anon literature. I think it was "Hope for Today" but I cannot remember and cannot find the copy in my house.
William Shakespeare
"Expectation is the death of serenity."
I read this somewhere in some Al-anon literature. I think it was "Hope for Today" but I cannot remember and cannot find the copy in my house.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: dayton, oh
Posts: 487
I read Your Sacred Self by Wayne Dyer. He talks about living the way you suggest. Looking inside yourself and knowing who you are without outside labels and knowing God inside, to me is absolute simplicity.
SH
SH
The New Me starting 1/11/09
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: California
Posts: 678
Hi Draciak -
I identified with your post a lot.
For me, I always go back to the serenity prayer ..
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The Courage to change the things I can,
and the Wisdom to know the difference.
So, I don't think that you can live your life with no expectations, but you do need to know which ones are healthy to set.
For me, I always ask myself "do I have any business trying to control whatever".
Somethings, I should try to control (like how I respond to other people, how I stay in the present, how I set goals that are about helping others, etc.). I think it is reasonable to want to try to provide a healthy environment for my kids to grow up in, for instance.
Other things (and that is most of the things that used to cause me to drink), I should give up to my higher power.
This was very freeing for me.
The key is "wisdom to know the difference". This is not easy. This is gained over time and with sobriety.
Keep working a program of recovery. That has been the success factor for me.
I identified with your post a lot.
For me, I always go back to the serenity prayer ..
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The Courage to change the things I can,
and the Wisdom to know the difference.
So, I don't think that you can live your life with no expectations, but you do need to know which ones are healthy to set.
For me, I always ask myself "do I have any business trying to control whatever".
Somethings, I should try to control (like how I respond to other people, how I stay in the present, how I set goals that are about helping others, etc.). I think it is reasonable to want to try to provide a healthy environment for my kids to grow up in, for instance.
Other things (and that is most of the things that used to cause me to drink), I should give up to my higher power.
This was very freeing for me.
The key is "wisdom to know the difference". This is not easy. This is gained over time and with sobriety.
Keep working a program of recovery. That has been the success factor for me.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Lowcountry
Posts: 2,762
Originally Posted by Draciack
There's some perfectionism here too: not just "I want what I want" but "I have to have it exactly this way or else..." Perfectionism allows for no deviations, no changes to the original plan (or original vision), and that's a boring way to live.
The solution seems simple: intentionally deviate from the plan. Or, put better, cultivate spontaneity. I'm off to have some fun. Maybe take a trip. I've created a box around my life, so now I get to break out of it.
I've suffered from a "bad case of perfectionism " in the past with my work. Mostly, I probably learned it early on from Family and then, transferred it to my work. One of the best lessons I've ever learned, and have to remind myself of sometimes. It's really a balancing act sometimes, when it comes to craftsmanship and achieving "industry standard" work vrs. creating "perfect" work and taking a beating financially (and otherwise )
Growing up, I had the crazy idea ; ...perfectionism was a good thing!?!
It's really suicidal for professional craftsman (along with just about everyone else !?! )
Grateful, to know better. Thanks for the thoughtful subjects/ topics/ ideas
Break out !! Have some fun !!!!!
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