I think I'm an alcoholic. Others don't.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
I can't really add to this, a very informative thread, other than to welcome you to Sober Recovery. If you were waiting for the post that was going to tell you that you didn't have a problem and to keep on keeping on with the way you are drinking--You're not going to get it here! Good luck. Keep us posted.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,649
Welcome to SR!!
I would have to echo Dee's comments. It is not how much you drink, it is what happens to you when you do.
I was sick, and alcohol was my cure. I describe the feeling of wanting a drink like a screw that was slowly being tightened hour after hour right at the center of my body core and until I had that drink, the feeling wouldn't go away. When I had the drink, I was okay again.
Normal people don't feel that way.
Other alcoholics describe the feeling as a coil ever tightening, or a hole that had to be filled. I relate to the "hole in the soul" description too: I filled it with alcohol and shopping sprees.
You may not be an alcoholic, but a heavy drinker. A heavy drinker can just quit without much problem. The alcoholic will have problems quitting and usually needs the support and structure of a program to stop and stay stopped.
I would have to echo Dee's comments. It is not how much you drink, it is what happens to you when you do.
I was sick, and alcohol was my cure. I describe the feeling of wanting a drink like a screw that was slowly being tightened hour after hour right at the center of my body core and until I had that drink, the feeling wouldn't go away. When I had the drink, I was okay again.
Normal people don't feel that way.
Other alcoholics describe the feeling as a coil ever tightening, or a hole that had to be filled. I relate to the "hole in the soul" description too: I filled it with alcohol and shopping sprees.
You may not be an alcoholic, but a heavy drinker. A heavy drinker can just quit without much problem. The alcoholic will have problems quitting and usually needs the support and structure of a program to stop and stay stopped.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Liverpool
Posts: 2
Originally Posted by blixtrix 
Hi there,
I'm new here. I'm 35 years old and I've been drinking since I was 18. The first time I drank it was with my brother and we drank to get drunk (he was getting me ready for going off to the university where drinking would be the norm). We took down a pint of tequila and a six pack of Fosters. In college I drank heavily--binge drank five nights a week, blacked out, forgot things, etc. But so did many other people so I never thought it was wrong.
Anyhow, fast-forward 17 years and I've turned into a 3-glass-of-wine-a-night drinker. That's 21 drinks a week.
I have tried to stop and when I do, I really obsess over alcohol. I tend to pony up to the booze at parties and when there's a limited amount I will drink faster than others so I get enough. I haven't blacked out in years and I never have more than 3 (sometimes it's just 2), but I depend on it daily. I've tried quitting before without assistance and only lasted four days. I feel foggy most mornings and slightly hungover. Some days, when I don't have to work, I'll drink at lunch (2 or so), nap, and then have 2-3 more in the evening.
I talked to a friend about this and he claims that he has never observed alcoholic behavior in me and that I'm acting like a victim. He drinks 2-3 drinks a night with the occasional binge so he's probably not the one to talk to about it.
I went to an AA meeting on Saturday (I haven't had a drink since Friday) and I could relate, but I'm definitely one of those functioning drinkers even though I feel like alcohol has a tight grip on my day-to-day life even though and that I can't seem to control it well. No DUIs. No job problems. But I know I'm not drinking normally and I can't seem to moderate well. I have a hard time saying that I'm an alcoholic, even though I'm not in denial that I have a problem, because people in my life don't understand and think I'm being...dramatic.
I'm just shrugging all that off. I don't think 21 drinks a week is normal or healthy. I want to quit. That's the only qualification for AA, so I'm going.
Just wanted to share.
I'm new here. I'm 35 years old and I've been drinking since I was 18. The first time I drank it was with my brother and we drank to get drunk (he was getting me ready for going off to the university where drinking would be the norm). We took down a pint of tequila and a six pack of Fosters. In college I drank heavily--binge drank five nights a week, blacked out, forgot things, etc. But so did many other people so I never thought it was wrong.
Anyhow, fast-forward 17 years and I've turned into a 3-glass-of-wine-a-night drinker. That's 21 drinks a week.
I have tried to stop and when I do, I really obsess over alcohol. I tend to pony up to the booze at parties and when there's a limited amount I will drink faster than others so I get enough. I haven't blacked out in years and I never have more than 3 (sometimes it's just 2), but I depend on it daily. I've tried quitting before without assistance and only lasted four days. I feel foggy most mornings and slightly hungover. Some days, when I don't have to work, I'll drink at lunch (2 or so), nap, and then have 2-3 more in the evening.
I talked to a friend about this and he claims that he has never observed alcoholic behavior in me and that I'm acting like a victim. He drinks 2-3 drinks a night with the occasional binge so he's probably not the one to talk to about it.
I went to an AA meeting on Saturday (I haven't had a drink since Friday) and I could relate, but I'm definitely one of those functioning drinkers even though I feel like alcohol has a tight grip on my day-to-day life even though and that I can't seem to control it well. No DUIs. No job problems. But I know I'm not drinking normally and I can't seem to moderate well. I have a hard time saying that I'm an alcoholic, even though I'm not in denial that I have a problem, because people in my life don't understand and think I'm being...dramatic.
I'm just shrugging all that off. I don't think 21 drinks a week is normal or healthy. I want to quit. That's the only qualification for AA, so I'm going.
Just wanted to share.
You have said exactly what I wanted to say, but I didn't how to - i have only just joined this site and I have no idea if I'm sending messages right or not... but I totally relate to your comments....
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: massachusetts
Posts: 2,216
Hi Blix and welcome to SR. I can "ditto" what everyone else has said. To me, it's a "know in your soul" kind of thing. The labels, the online tests, etc, can be helpful to some, but keep others "out there", as well. One of the first books I read, when I was doing my own questioning, was Caroline Knapp's 'Drinking a Love Story'. I read that and thought "Uh oh".....
Congrats on your progress to date!
Congrats on your progress to date!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 4
I think if you are unhappy with your drinking and want to stop, then you should. I think people in my life think I am being dramatic because I'm young, but no one knows you more than yourself. If you're concerned about your drinking, then it's a problem and you should do something about it before it becomes a bigger problem
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Bellaire, TX
Posts: 27
You sound like me when I was around 34. You seem to be graduating from functional drinking as you get serious. What caught my eye are your Saturday plans. I did the exact same thing...anxiously waited until noon to start my drink (it looked silly for me to drink at breakfast and my wife, at first, casually pointed out that it's only 11 AM when I got the bottle out). Nap time, then back to the bottle for the evening.
If you are a happy buzz drinker in good times, will you be able to handle it when life turns south? Unexpected events happens all the time and that when my drinking became unmanageable.
If you are a happy buzz drinker in good times, will you be able to handle it when life turns south? Unexpected events happens all the time and that when my drinking became unmanageable.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Germany
Posts: 2,058
Welcome and way to go Blix! Great to see you are addressing this and you are so right in that it comes down to how we feel and I know that I am a better person and live a better life in sobriety.
I found too that some thought I was overreacting, etc. but as time has passed in recovery and my placing sobriety #1 that some have been a little more forthcoming in their take on me. Meaning that everyone I know has shared how much more positive and happy I have become and how happy they are for me.
Regardless of what others think.....we do this for ourselves and I am so looking forward to the journey. You are definitely on the right track here Blix!
All the best.
I found too that some thought I was overreacting, etc. but as time has passed in recovery and my placing sobriety #1 that some have been a little more forthcoming in their take on me. Meaning that everyone I know has shared how much more positive and happy I have become and how happy they are for me.
Regardless of what others think.....we do this for ourselves and I am so looking forward to the journey. You are definitely on the right track here Blix!
All the best.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 77
Reading these posts reminded me of my precious nap-times!
I would take a nap every afternoon after work to ensure the first couple of glasses of wine wouldn't knock me out ...than I'd be able to stay awake and drink myself into oblivion.
oh dear. I remember telling everyone "I'm so tired these days...."
Well done blixtrix!
I would take a nap every afternoon after work to ensure the first couple of glasses of wine wouldn't knock me out ...than I'd be able to stay awake and drink myself into oblivion.
oh dear. I remember telling everyone "I'm so tired these days...."
Well done blixtrix!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: WA
Posts: 6
I'm back. Did I really write this four years ago? Now I'm 39. Up until three days ago, I was drinking a bottle+ every day. Tuesday I woke up with a horrible hangover. I haven't touched it since then. Day three is almost done. I made it. And I'm going to go to bed shortly sober.
I can't do it anymore. I'm starting to look haggard. I'm tired. I'm drinking to deal with my anxiety, to avoid my problems (finances, and isn't it funny that I can't really afford to be drinking with the debt I'm carrying, yet I always seem to find money for it), and to "unwind" after a hard day. I come home from work, pop the wine, make dinner, and more or less check out.
On the weekends, I'll often start around noon. Sometimes a bit before.
If there's alcohol in the house, I'm drinking it.
If there's not alcohol in the house, I'm fretting about it and planning my next run to the store. While at the store choosing my wine, I'm thinking to myself that it's my last bottle. But strangely enough, I'm ALWAYS there the next day buying another bottle.
All of these promises broken to myself day after day, combined with the mental fog and hangovers, have me feeling pretty low about myself.
I'm done. I'm done with the denial I live in. I'm done with the obsession I have with it. I'm done with my days revolving around it. I'm done with seeking out activities that involve it. I'm done with people who mutually obsess over it. I'm done with pretending that I can moderate it...deluding myself that I can have just one, and quit tomorrow. I feel like I'm wasting my life. It's ridiculous. I no longer work on my hobbies. I don't read books anymore (only the internet, in fits and bursts, because I don't have the attention span or mental capability to actually read anything at the end of the night). I work and I drink. I don't have fun. I'm not emotionally available to my family. And I laugh, after writing this, that I have actually denied the fact that I'm very much addicted to the stuff.
I turn 40 next year. I want to do it sober. Thanks for reading.
I can't do it anymore. I'm starting to look haggard. I'm tired. I'm drinking to deal with my anxiety, to avoid my problems (finances, and isn't it funny that I can't really afford to be drinking with the debt I'm carrying, yet I always seem to find money for it), and to "unwind" after a hard day. I come home from work, pop the wine, make dinner, and more or less check out.
On the weekends, I'll often start around noon. Sometimes a bit before.
If there's alcohol in the house, I'm drinking it.
If there's not alcohol in the house, I'm fretting about it and planning my next run to the store. While at the store choosing my wine, I'm thinking to myself that it's my last bottle. But strangely enough, I'm ALWAYS there the next day buying another bottle.
All of these promises broken to myself day after day, combined with the mental fog and hangovers, have me feeling pretty low about myself.
I'm done. I'm done with the denial I live in. I'm done with the obsession I have with it. I'm done with my days revolving around it. I'm done with seeking out activities that involve it. I'm done with people who mutually obsess over it. I'm done with pretending that I can moderate it...deluding myself that I can have just one, and quit tomorrow. I feel like I'm wasting my life. It's ridiculous. I no longer work on my hobbies. I don't read books anymore (only the internet, in fits and bursts, because I don't have the attention span or mental capability to actually read anything at the end of the night). I work and I drink. I don't have fun. I'm not emotionally available to my family. And I laugh, after writing this, that I have actually denied the fact that I'm very much addicted to the stuff.
I turn 40 next year. I want to do it sober. Thanks for reading.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: California
Posts: 2,693
I am glad to see you back blixtrix! I also joined in 2010 and returned about a month ago. I also drank every night like you. I stopped for health reasons and that I simply could not take the hangovers anymore. I don't know if I could get through one more. The beauty of it is that you can stop drinking and don't ever have to have a hangover again! A month ago I didn't know how to get one single day sober. I am now at three weeks and started to feel pretty great. It's hard but you can do it!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: in the city by the bay
Posts: 605
My first alcoholic stretch started from age 34 to 36. My second drinking stretch started from 41 to 45. I never drank in HS, college and etc. Both of my drinking periods started when I had postpartum depression.
It was really hard to view myself as an alcoholic. I came here a couple years ago and lasted 4 days before I thought, screw this, I want a drink - I can moderate myself!
And I tried. I was mostly a wino...but would sometimes switch to beer or to the harder liquors like rum, vodka and gin.
I tried to keep to one bottle of wine a day but it was hard. One bottle was never enough, I was usually satisfied with about 1.5 bottles a day.
That doesn't mean I never drank more. Some days more, some days less but what it comes down to is a LOT of alcohol! Especially when you look at guidelines. No way could I stick to those guidelines.
Anyhow, I can't drink. I finally accepted I am an alcoholic last Saturday. I cried and talked to my husband and he removed all alcohol from our home.
I grew up with a social worker mom and she used to say an alcoholic is defined as someone who needs alcohol every day. It's not an amount, it's a dependency. At least that was the thought in the 1980s.
I didn't fully realize the extent of my dependency until I went cold turkey last Saturday. I had 3 nights of sweats, high BP, rapid HR...it made realize how sick I was.
I'm ready to begin my clean and sober life. Hey, I spent the evening organizing Barbies and Barbie clothes in my daughter's room. She was overjoyed that I did it and I was amazed that I never had. It's time to be a fully-involved mom. I always wanted to be this kind of mom!
Good luck. If you think you should quit, just quit. I mean you seem to be mentally keeping track of how much you drink as if you are worried you may drink more. It's easier when you don't drink, nothing to keep track of!
Plus, alcohol affects everyone different. I'm very tall, so I may be able to drink more than the average woman, I mean...if you're drinking 3/4 of a bottle of wine a night...and you feel a dependency for it, then it is controlling you.
It was really hard to view myself as an alcoholic. I came here a couple years ago and lasted 4 days before I thought, screw this, I want a drink - I can moderate myself!
And I tried. I was mostly a wino...but would sometimes switch to beer or to the harder liquors like rum, vodka and gin.
I tried to keep to one bottle of wine a day but it was hard. One bottle was never enough, I was usually satisfied with about 1.5 bottles a day.
That doesn't mean I never drank more. Some days more, some days less but what it comes down to is a LOT of alcohol! Especially when you look at guidelines. No way could I stick to those guidelines.
Anyhow, I can't drink. I finally accepted I am an alcoholic last Saturday. I cried and talked to my husband and he removed all alcohol from our home.
I grew up with a social worker mom and she used to say an alcoholic is defined as someone who needs alcohol every day. It's not an amount, it's a dependency. At least that was the thought in the 1980s.
I didn't fully realize the extent of my dependency until I went cold turkey last Saturday. I had 3 nights of sweats, high BP, rapid HR...it made realize how sick I was.
I'm ready to begin my clean and sober life. Hey, I spent the evening organizing Barbies and Barbie clothes in my daughter's room. She was overjoyed that I did it and I was amazed that I never had. It's time to be a fully-involved mom. I always wanted to be this kind of mom!
Good luck. If you think you should quit, just quit. I mean you seem to be mentally keeping track of how much you drink as if you are worried you may drink more. It's easier when you don't drink, nothing to keep track of!
Plus, alcohol affects everyone different. I'm very tall, so I may be able to drink more than the average woman, I mean...if you're drinking 3/4 of a bottle of wine a night...and you feel a dependency for it, then it is controlling you.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: in the city by the bay
Posts: 605
Just wanted to add, I didn't realize your original post was so old! so my response was based on everything you wrote here...4 years ago and today! I thought it was all written today. Anyhow, good luck...yes, I also thought I could moderate and just wasted another couple years of my life being an addict. I hate how it owns you, how your life must revolve around alcohol to feed the addiction. How much do I have left? When should I pick up my next bottle? What store? A lot of wasted time feeding the beast.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
