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Is there a bottom for pothead?

Old 10-18-2010, 08:04 PM
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Is there a bottom for pothead?

Hi,

I am new here. My husband is 45 years old and seems to be addicted to pot. My main problems with him are his rage (screaming tantrums in front of the kids- whole neighborhood can hear him), his refusal to find meaningful employment (he does work part-time while i work two jobs), and the way he blames me for everything. His Dad died of cirhossis two days after we got married and he quit drinking and switched full force to pot which he smokes nearly all day long. His Mom is a classic enabler - gives him money, nice car pays insurance and moans about how hard it is for him to find a job and maybe if I would just talk nicer to him he wouldn't be so abusive, etc.) His primary complaint about me is that i earn more money than him (because I work) and that I won't give him extra income (he never wanted to share money until I started earning more than him). He is selfish and would take money from the kids if I let him have access to my checks. He would never feel the need to work more if I give in. I know I can't change him, and I am actually realizing it may be time to leave him. Kids do love him but they have accepted his behavior as normal which breaks my heart. [B]From your experiences, do potheads ever bottom out?[B] Whenever I have talked to a professional they always say "well pot usually doesn't make one act like that" and friends minimize it because "everyone smokes pot". I am not sure if it really is pot or not but all I know is that he is not capable of actuallizing goals and just wants to sit around all day and he is a moody mess and I am sick of it. Thank you.
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Old 10-18-2010, 08:09 PM
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I don't know if there is a bottom for a pothead but there is definitely a bottom for an abusive marriage that's toxic for the non-addict spouse and children involved.

Take care of yourself, sweetie. Sounds like he has some work to do and that's not something you own.
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Old 10-18-2010, 08:13 PM
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I think a bottom is more a state of mind than an event - it's the point where you realise you can't live like this anymore - and I certainly hit that point on pot.

But many of the folks I know from back then still smoke all day everyday...presumably they're content to still live that way.

I can't say whether your husband will end up being like me or like my smoking buddies.

I think the main question here should be - what exactly are you prepared to put up with for you and your kids?

You'll find a lot of support here - we have really good family and friends forums here too - I hope you'll check them out as well

Welcome!
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Old 10-18-2010, 08:27 PM
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The actions of your husband may not be the fault of pot. He may just be a jerk who's a pothead. Has the change been gradual? Could it be depression? I smoked pot every day for 10 years, so I am under the belief that it can be addictive.

I don't know if I'd call it bottoming out, but I finally realized what a hold pot had over me, how low I had sunk to keep my addiction going, and what a big waste my life had become. So I quit. I wasn't married, so my behavior didn't harm anyone close to me. In your husband's case, if you left him, that might meet the definition of 'bottoming out' to me. But don't be surprised if all it does is give him an excuse to stay stoned.
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Old 10-18-2010, 08:53 PM
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Ok - this site is already helpful to me! Thank you all!

To doggonecarl: This was not a gradual change. He will freely admit that he is addicted to pot and that he thinks it is a substitute for alcohol. Before we were married he cut way back on drinking though and I never remember these mood shifts. The chronic all day smoking started about 5 years ago and he has every excuse in the book. The problem is that I won't give him more money, not that he can't look for work because he can't pass a drug test. The problem is I won't leave him alone (his teeth are falling apart) not that he spend the dental money on pot, etc.

To Dee74: "I think the main question here should be - what exactly are you prepared to put up with for you and your kids?" is exactly where I am at now. Even though I would like to keep the family intact, his behavior and my actions as a result (working two jobs, crabbiness, exhaustion, poor health, lack of sleep on and on) is driving me to realize that most things would be better than this. Also seeing my 7 year old daughter crying under the computer desk is a real eye opener, but worse is that she forgave him (he often turns into really nice Daddy after these events) and I realize that she is accepting this as normal. I have to set a better example and like it or not, me being here is allowing it to continue (enabling?). He gains a lot of gifts by me being here that he is so not thankful for (food, I keep the kids going in some semblance of normal family) so he does not need to face the consequences. He wouldn't be able to support even himself if I left tomorrow.

I sound so angry and realize that I am.

Thank you again all.
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Old 10-18-2010, 09:41 PM
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I don't have a lot to back up my assertions, but I don't have any nice things to say about pot, I would buy into the idea that it can add to someone's poor behavior. I have known a few people to convert their drinking habit into a potsmoking one, and there was some degree of justification for it ("at least pot doesn't do awful things to your body," blah blah). If pot can make some people paranoid (as opposed to "chill" or giddy), why would it not make people irascible? Some scientists are of the opinion that it worsens mental illness (or "triggers" what had not been identified as a problem in the patient before they had pot).

It sounds like you are asking if he will reach a point where he is desperate to change and stop. I don't picture that, but that is because I am not accustomed to hearing about it. It's also possible that he would switch to another drug or return to drinking (who knows), and then things could get worse.

Do you have a way to get counselling and take steps to changing the situation?
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Old 10-19-2010, 05:41 AM
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If I were in your shoes I'd be getting things ready to leave him for the good of the kids. They don't deserve to live in such an unhealthy environment or to grow up believing it's normal. It isn't.

Please do take a look at our friends and families forum. You need some help gathering your thoughts and planning an exit strategy. He'll never reach any kind of 'bottom' if he's constantly enabled to keep on as he's doing.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...tance-abusers/

Welcome to SR!
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Old 10-19-2010, 06:01 AM
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my drug of choice gives you a fast ride to the bottom in your external affairs, but even at my lowest(no money, stealing, etc..) due to the specific drug, it was the emotional bottom of hopelessness, despair, couldn't live with or without my drug, sick and tired of ME that preceded change. i don't think that has to be a substance specific thing.

your husband certainly seems to exhibit the classic narcissistic, ego maniac with inferiority complex, manipulative addict traits. only he can change when he decides he wants to. whether you're around for that is a decision only you can make. i wish you all the best.
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Old 10-19-2010, 06:20 AM
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Originally Posted by turtlegirl70 View Post
Hi,

I am new here. My husband is 45 years old and seems to be addicted to pot. My main problems with him are his rage (screaming tantrums in front of the kids- whole neighborhood can hear him), his refusal to find meaningful employment (he does work part-time while i work two jobs), and the way he blames me for everything. His Dad died of cirhossis two days after we got married and he quit drinking and switched full force to pot which he smokes nearly all day long. His Mom is a classic enabler - gives him money, nice car pays insurance and moans about how hard it is for him to find a job and maybe if I would just talk nicer to him he wouldn't be so abusive, etc.) His primary complaint about me is that i earn more money than him (because I work) and that I won't give him extra income (he never wanted to share money until I started earning more than him). He is selfish and would take money from the kids if I let him have access to my checks. He would never feel the need to work more if I give in. I know I can't change him, and I am actually realizing it may be time to leave him. Kids do love him but they have accepted his behavior as normal which breaks my heart. [B]From your experiences, do potheads ever bottom out?[B] Whenever I have talked to a professional they always say "well pot usually doesn't make one act like that" and friends minimize it because "everyone smokes pot". I am not sure if it really is pot or not but all I know is that he is not capable of actuallizing goals and just wants to sit around all day and he is a moody mess and I am sick of it. Thank you.
Sounds to me like he is just plain sorry! He's a lazy bum and that's all there is to it.
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Old 10-19-2010, 06:21 AM
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I really don't have the experience and knowledge to talk about family matters.

But there is no exception for pot. It may lack a physiological addictiveness. It might be "less bad" than alcohol and harder drugs. There is still a real component of addiction though, even if it's more akin to a food or sex addiction than a chemical one. And long-term and heavy pot use does affect the brain, moods, etc. Not to mention, he's spending money you guys don't have ("continued use despite negative consequences.")

But yeah, I would also think that there may be something underlying the pot use. I would check on resources for getting the two of you into some sort of counseling. Does sound like he'd be too willing, but I think it's rarely that people ever go to counseling when there's great communication.

Good luck.
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Old 10-19-2010, 07:22 AM
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Pardon my bluntness.. but pot, or not.. I would never keep my child in a home where abuse and rage was rampant and accepted as 'normal'.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with all this. Does it really matter if the pot is causing his rage and abuse? Not everyone reaches a 'bottom' in addiction.. sometimes it doesn't stop.

I hope you find the strength to take care of you, and to protect your children. Check out the friends and family section as was already mentioned above, you'll find a lot of support 'round here
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Old 10-19-2010, 09:06 AM
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Ya I don't really think pot is the real problem here...

It may be a problem, but it's not THE problem, IMO.
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Old 10-19-2010, 09:54 AM
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Originally Posted by turtlegirl70 View Post
Hi,

I know I can't change him, and I am actually realizing it may be time to leave him. Kids do love him but they have accepted his behavior as normal which breaks my heart. [B]From your experiences, do potheads ever bottom out?[B] Whenever I have talked to a professional they always say "well pot usually doesn't make one act like that" and friends minimize it because "everyone smokes pot". I am not sure if it really is pot or not but all I know is that he is not capable of actuallizing goals and just wants to sit around all day and he is a moody mess and I am sick of it. Thank you.
I think you are on the right track, Turtlegirl.
With all the chemicals in pot these days, it may be doing a nasty number on his brain chemistry..
Pot was my doc I think there is a whole lot going on with this individual that you can't affect...he has changed horses but he is still an addict who hasn't hit bottom yet...

I would say, time for tough love, listen to your instincts, remove the kids and let him fall.
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Old 10-19-2010, 11:22 AM
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Don't blame the pot, it has nothing to do with it.

He just has anger issues, and i believe they would be around whether he is drinking smoking or sober.

But i will say as i did smoke pot on the daily for over seven years, it does make you a bit lazy, and sometimes its fine just to work some bs job, just because as long as your making money you really could care less.
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Old 10-19-2010, 11:48 AM
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I think you are in a domestic violence situation and it just so happens that the abuser smokes pot. Domestic abuse takes many forms, blaming you for everything, outburts of rage and violence, verbal, phsycial, and sexual abuse.

Your DD hiding under the computer desk should be your last straw.

You are doing everything on your own anyway. Why do you need to stick in with something that he's not even willing to put time/effort into?

You will feel better when he goes back to live with his mother. She can enable him all day and night. And if I were you, there would be no visitation unless he's passing a UA.

But I'm a bitch.
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Old 10-19-2010, 11:57 AM
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Originally Posted by turtlegirl70 View Post
Also seeing my 7 year old daughter crying under the computer desk is a real eye opener
This should have been an eye opener and the closing deal on this whole mess for you.

Your kids are being abused by your husband and as long as he is the way he is the future of your children is in real danger.

The cycle will continue with your kids if they are allowed to be in this toxic environment.

My question to you is what good is there in this relationship if he is not a loving father and husband, has no job and is nothing but abusive to both you and your kids?
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Old 10-19-2010, 11:59 AM
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I don't think it matters at all whether it's marijuana causing this behaviour or not.

The point is, this is not a safe environment for you or your children. I grew up in a violent home, and believe me, the emotional wounds take decades to heal.
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Old 10-19-2010, 12:32 PM
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My father was here a few days ago, and he proceeded to tell me that if he had never drank, that all the bad stuff that happened while I was growing up (abuse to me, and my mother) would have never happened. That drinking was the root cause. And I sat there, and I listened, and I thought "That is SUCH bull*hit" This is the same for your husband hon. My father can be nasty and rotten while drunk or sober. I would advise you to get away from him asap, even for just a trial separation. The physical abuse was bad enough, but the screaming scarred me way worse.
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Old 10-19-2010, 08:29 PM
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Originally Posted by mygirlchandler View Post
I think you are in a domestic violence situation and it just so happens that the abuser smokes pot. Domestic abuse takes many forms, blaming you for everything, outburts of rage and violence, verbal, phsycial, and sexual abuse.

Your DD hiding under the computer desk should be your last straw.

You are doing everything on your own anyway. Why do you need to stick in with something that he's not even willing to put time/effort into?

You will feel better when he goes back to live with his mother. She can enable him all day and night. And if I were you, there would be no visitation unless he's passing a UA.

But I'm a bitch.

Holly - that is exactly the reason I stay. I am afraid that he will have unsupervised visitation with my daughter who is too young to protect herself. She falls for his antics. He depends on her love. It upsets me to see but I think it would be worse without me there. I haven't been able to get assurance that I could protect her in the event that we divorce. My son is 15, is from a previous relationship, but has been with my husband since he was 9 mo. old. He seems tougher about it all than my daughter is. I need to get the right advice on how to protect her. This board is painful for me to read but it is all true. Every post I read seems to give me more insight into what I need to do. Tonight I bought a car without him. Mine was 16 years old and was not safe anymore. His mother gave him a $23,000.00 car with leather interiors and pays for the maintenance, insurance and plates while I am driving around a rust bucket. She will say "well he needs to be safe" but I drive twice as much as him (nearly 600 miles a week - I am a sales rep) - go figure. Made him quite angry that I spent the money on a car without giving it to him - but after reading all of this I realized was essential as part of my getaway plan. Now if I can just figure out how to protect my daughter....
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Old 10-19-2010, 08:41 PM
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Thank you all for your responses. It helps so much for me to know that my perception isn't just mucked up. Stay in this situation long enough as I have and you start thinking that it really is all your fault. It will be my fault if I stay. I just don't know if a court will realize how potentially harmful he is to the kids. When he has one of his tantrums, he threatens "to hold a gun up to his mouth and blow his head off" all because I won't give him more money and make it easier for him to be stoned all the time. I think I will wait until it happens again (because it will soon), wait until he starts slamming his head into the walls, and call the police and an ambulance. My neighbors know what he does. I am not trying to ruin him, I just want to get away now with the kids and come home to a PEACEFUL house. Every day I don't know what I am coming home too. The kids whisper "don't tell Daddy I told you"... When he is calm he acts like "see I am a nice guy if you just wouldn't push me" and he will say "at least I am not at the bars all night" and "at least I work". Well, I work with men who work as hard as I do. He works 20-30 hours to my consistent 60-70. He is off 4 days a week and I am off 1. I know I am complaining. I am angry. I have no idea how this happened. I really did use to love him. Thank you again, venting helps so much.
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