Binge drinking is wrecking my life
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 127
Binge drinking is wrecking my life
Hi everyone,
This is my first time on one of these forums. I only recently admitted to myself that I have an issue with alcohol, after getting into a fight and ending up in the hospital for the second time due to being absolutely wasted. I nearly ended up with permanent damage to my right eye, and am lucky that I came out of the situation without worse injuries.
I am 31, and having been binge drinking since I was 15. Sometimes, I go for two or three days without a drink (albeit rarely), and then end up on a session which can go for hours and hours, and regularly end in black outs, when I don't remember what happened the next day.
I have a job in a restaurant, so the bar is always my first stop when I finish work. It is quite accepted that people in the restaurant drink a fair bit, and I think I've managed to hide that I have an issue to some extent. But when I start, I cannot control myself. I lie to my girlfriend about when I will be home, and lie to her about how much I had to drink.
But I know I will lose everything if I carry on. I act like a total ass hole sometimes when I am drinking, and behave in ways completely alien to my sober personality. I feel like I don't know myself when I wake up the next day, and curl my toes worrying how I might have behaved the night before. I feel ashamed of myself, and often feel a deep sense of self-loathing after a drinking session.
A dark, uncontrollable side of me appears when I drink, and people have commented that I have left my body and someone else is there. That must be the blackout.. I wish I would just throw up and pass out, but I don't. I continue to function, and can still drink in this state.
I don't know where to turn. I don't even bother telling my girlfriend I really want to stop for good because she has heard it before, and is completely unconvinced. I know that alcohol will ruin my life if I don't give it up, and I'm terrified that I don't have the will-power to really stop once and for all. I can be very persuasive with my self, and worry that after a couple of weeks of being sober, I'll tell persuade myself and my girlfriend that I am in control, and after all, it's only a nice bottle of red to go with the dinner I cooked...
It seems so self-absorbed to post this kind of stuff on a forum. I just hoped that I could find some people to relate to, and maybe get some answers. I don't really know what to expect.
Thank you for reading.
This is my first time on one of these forums. I only recently admitted to myself that I have an issue with alcohol, after getting into a fight and ending up in the hospital for the second time due to being absolutely wasted. I nearly ended up with permanent damage to my right eye, and am lucky that I came out of the situation without worse injuries.
I am 31, and having been binge drinking since I was 15. Sometimes, I go for two or three days without a drink (albeit rarely), and then end up on a session which can go for hours and hours, and regularly end in black outs, when I don't remember what happened the next day.
I have a job in a restaurant, so the bar is always my first stop when I finish work. It is quite accepted that people in the restaurant drink a fair bit, and I think I've managed to hide that I have an issue to some extent. But when I start, I cannot control myself. I lie to my girlfriend about when I will be home, and lie to her about how much I had to drink.
But I know I will lose everything if I carry on. I act like a total ass hole sometimes when I am drinking, and behave in ways completely alien to my sober personality. I feel like I don't know myself when I wake up the next day, and curl my toes worrying how I might have behaved the night before. I feel ashamed of myself, and often feel a deep sense of self-loathing after a drinking session.
A dark, uncontrollable side of me appears when I drink, and people have commented that I have left my body and someone else is there. That must be the blackout.. I wish I would just throw up and pass out, but I don't. I continue to function, and can still drink in this state.
I don't know where to turn. I don't even bother telling my girlfriend I really want to stop for good because she has heard it before, and is completely unconvinced. I know that alcohol will ruin my life if I don't give it up, and I'm terrified that I don't have the will-power to really stop once and for all. I can be very persuasive with my self, and worry that after a couple of weeks of being sober, I'll tell persuade myself and my girlfriend that I am in control, and after all, it's only a nice bottle of red to go with the dinner I cooked...
It seems so self-absorbed to post this kind of stuff on a forum. I just hoped that I could find some people to relate to, and maybe get some answers. I don't really know what to expect.
Thank you for reading.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,474
Hi and Welcome,
It sounds like you're making a good decision and you are ready to stop drinking.
There is lots of support here, and you can take a look around and find lots of inspiration.
It's hard to stop drinking, and of course, stopping is only the beginning. That's when the hard work begins, because drinking is a symptom, and the underlying issues need to be dealt with. Recovery is an amazing journey.
And, it's normal for the 'addict voice' to jump in and try to convince you that you're okay. You can learn to recognize that voice for what it is, hear it, and dismiss it.
It sounds like you're making a good decision and you are ready to stop drinking.
There is lots of support here, and you can take a look around and find lots of inspiration.
It's hard to stop drinking, and of course, stopping is only the beginning. That's when the hard work begins, because drinking is a symptom, and the underlying issues need to be dealt with. Recovery is an amazing journey.
And, it's normal for the 'addict voice' to jump in and try to convince you that you're okay. You can learn to recognize that voice for what it is, hear it, and dismiss it.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: massachusetts
Posts: 2,216
Well, ee, you have come to the right place...at least for a start, read the Sticky: Under the Influence at the top of the Alcoholism section. I think that you will find that your behavior is very typical for an alcoholic. We have all been through similar situations, had similar thoughts, similar fears...well..you see where I am going with this. You are not alone and that is one of the most devastating aspects to alcoholism....we feel so very, very alone...why are we not like others? why can't we drink socially? Why do our personalities change?
But the beauty is we CAN change. I won't kid you and say that it is easy, because stopping drinking is just the beginning. There are many, many changes to be made but it is SO worth it. But you need to be prepared to apply yourself to the effort.
Everyone will help you here. I found this forum in April '09 and it has been a fundamental aid for me to GET sober and to STAY sober. There are also many f2f recovery programs which can also help.
So welcome, stick around and let us help.
But the beauty is we CAN change. I won't kid you and say that it is easy, because stopping drinking is just the beginning. There are many, many changes to be made but it is SO worth it. But you need to be prepared to apply yourself to the effort.
Everyone will help you here. I found this forum in April '09 and it has been a fundamental aid for me to GET sober and to STAY sober. There are also many f2f recovery programs which can also help.
So welcome, stick around and let us help.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,759
I'm glad you found us and joined the family.
You're not being self absorbed, in my opinion, you're just looking for support and information about quitting drinking. You're still quite young and it's good you're looking to quit drinking before something bad happens, and something bad is bound to happen sooner or later as alcoholism is progressive and always gets worse over time.
In my early sobriety I attended AA meetings, but now with ten months under my belt I'm staying sober with the help of my addiction counselor and this site.
Maybe you won't need to tell your gf anything about your plan to stop drinking. As you said, words don't mean much and your actions will speak a lot louder than any words you could say. Get all the help you can get to stop drinking and your gf will notice at some point that your behavior is different/better.
Welcome to SR!
You're not being self absorbed, in my opinion, you're just looking for support and information about quitting drinking. You're still quite young and it's good you're looking to quit drinking before something bad happens, and something bad is bound to happen sooner or later as alcoholism is progressive and always gets worse over time.In my early sobriety I attended AA meetings, but now with ten months under my belt I'm staying sober with the help of my addiction counselor and this site.
Maybe you won't need to tell your gf anything about your plan to stop drinking. As you said, words don't mean much and your actions will speak a lot louder than any words you could say. Get all the help you can get to stop drinking and your gf will notice at some point that your behavior is different/better.
Welcome to SR!
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
An excellent first post; excellent in that you captured all the horrors that your drinking is causing you. Now in the coming weeks, when your resolve to quit weakens (cause it will), and you tell yourself that things weren't that bad (cause you'll choose to remember all the good things that drinking brought), and the voice in your head says, "Go ahead, one drink won't hurt," come back and read this post. It should help your recovery!
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
welcome ee - glad you found this forum. It's been a lifeline for me. When I first came here, I was scared, ashamed, and really didn't think I could live without drinking. Not only is it possible but there are tons of people here who are successfully doing it. We really do need ongoing support, though - it's way too hard to try stopping on your own.
Hope you hang around and keep posting and reading. I think you'll find a lot of understanding and support!
Hope you hang around and keep posting and reading. I think you'll find a lot of understanding and support!
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Welcome to our recovery community.....
I too worked in the hospitality industry for years.
I certainly know it is easy to drink ..usually for free
in that setting. Then move on to another place...
a tad high....tip money in pocket
....it's late ..you are tired...but not sleepy.
Your SO is already ditched you or is asleep.
I used to call my self....Last Call Carol....cause thats when
I would finally stagger into a taxi...and go home.
Or....come out of a blackout in strange places with
wirdo people. Very dangerous behavior for sure..
Blackouts? I lost most of a decade in a blur and I
mistakenly thought all drinkers had them too.
The good news? they stopped immediately with my sobriety.
BTW....you will notice soon...that the top places are no
longer interested in hiring you.
Your appearance and odor will send warning bells to employers.
That slight hand tremor...blood shot watery eyes
tiny broken veins on your face tell the story.
And your rep as a drinker is impossible to keep secret.
Happens to all active alcoholics I know.
There are various ways to win over alcohol.
AA is what has worked great for me ...
All my best....please keep posting with us
i totally agree with your title.....
but you certainly can change direction.....
I too worked in the hospitality industry for years.
I certainly know it is easy to drink ..usually for free
in that setting. Then move on to another place...
a tad high....tip money in pocket
....it's late ..you are tired...but not sleepy.
Your SO is already ditched you or is asleep.
I used to call my self....Last Call Carol....cause thats when
I would finally stagger into a taxi...and go home.
Or....come out of a blackout in strange places with
wirdo people. Very dangerous behavior for sure..
Blackouts? I lost most of a decade in a blur and I
mistakenly thought all drinkers had them too.
The good news? they stopped immediately with my sobriety.
BTW....you will notice soon...that the top places are no
longer interested in hiring you.
Your appearance and odor will send warning bells to employers.
That slight hand tremor...blood shot watery eyes
tiny broken veins on your face tell the story.
And your rep as a drinker is impossible to keep secret.
Happens to all active alcoholics I know.
There are various ways to win over alcohol.
AA is what has worked great for me ...
All my best....please keep posting with us
i totally agree with your title.....
Binge drinking is wrecking my life
Last edited by CarolD; 10-18-2010 at 10:55 PM.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 127
Originally Posted by CarolD 
Welcome to our recovery community.....
I too worked in the hospitality industry for years.
I certainly know it is easy to drink ..usually for free
in that setting. Then move on to another place...
a tad high....tip money in pocket
....it's late ..you are tired...but not sleepy.
Your SO is already ditched you or is asleep.
I used to call my self....Last Call Carol....cause thats when
I would finally stagger into a taxi...and go home.
Or....come out of a blackout in strange places with
wirdo people. Very dangerous behavior for sure..
Blackouts? I lost most of a decade in a blur and I
mistakenly thought all drinkers had them too.
The good news? they stopped immediately with my sobriety.
BTW....you will notice soon...that the top places are no
longer interested in hiring you.
Your appearance and odor will send warning bells to employers.
That slight hand tremor...blood shot watery eyes
tiny broken veins on your face tell the story.
And your rep as a drinker is impossible to keep secret.
Happens to all active alcoholics I know.
There are various ways to win over alcohol.
AA is what has worked great for me ...
All my best....please keep posting with us
i totally agree with your title.....
but you certainly can change direction.....
I too worked in the hospitality industry for years.
I certainly know it is easy to drink ..usually for free
in that setting. Then move on to another place...
a tad high....tip money in pocket
....it's late ..you are tired...but not sleepy.
Your SO is already ditched you or is asleep.
I used to call my self....Last Call Carol....cause thats when
I would finally stagger into a taxi...and go home.
Or....come out of a blackout in strange places with
wirdo people. Very dangerous behavior for sure..
Blackouts? I lost most of a decade in a blur and I
mistakenly thought all drinkers had them too.
The good news? they stopped immediately with my sobriety.
BTW....you will notice soon...that the top places are no
longer interested in hiring you.
Your appearance and odor will send warning bells to employers.
That slight hand tremor...blood shot watery eyes
tiny broken veins on your face tell the story.
And your rep as a drinker is impossible to keep secret.
Happens to all active alcoholics I know.
There are various ways to win over alcohol.
AA is what has worked great for me ...
All my best....please keep posting with us
i totally agree with your title.....
but you certainly can change direction.....
Thank you all for your kind words of encouragement. Finding this website has shone a little light into a dark situation for me. It is truly encouraging to find people out there who you can relate to, and know that you're not alone.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 1,130
Hey, welcome. I am so glad you've joined us on our journey up the mountain. I was speaking to my sponsor last night and he was helping me understand how even though I sometimes feel discouraged, my life is changing for the better even as a result of WANTING to stay sober. Don't get me wrong, I've had some bad slips. But at least I woke up this morning without a hangover or the terrible feeling of shame of having been in an arguement or a fight.
SR Forum is a super place to share. For me, daily AA meetings and the support of a sponsor and working the Steps of the AA programme are also vital.
Plus, of course, being honest. Which is what you have done.
SR Forum is a super place to share. For me, daily AA meetings and the support of a sponsor and working the Steps of the AA programme are also vital.
Plus, of course, being honest. Which is what you have done.
Thriving sober since 12/18/08
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Orlando, FL
Posts: 3,115
Drinking was wrecking my life too, I'm glad you're identifying the issues and making plans to move forward with a new healthy life! While sometimes challenging, sober life is awesome!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Germany
Posts: 2,058
Welcome ee - you have our support. Seems like you are ready to quit and get support.
I found will power to not get me very far and I needed to begin recovery. Learn to live a healthy and positive life without the crutch of alcohol.
You can do this. Looking forward to the journey.
I found will power to not get me very far and I needed to begin recovery. Learn to live a healthy and positive life without the crutch of alcohol.
You can do this. Looking forward to the journey.
Guest
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 2,013
Hi there. You sound like you may be from UK? I relate to your title. Binge-drinking was wrecking my life too. I can relate to much of what you say and I knew that if I didn't stop drinking then prison, Insitution or death were the only outcomes for my life. A pretty shocking state of affairs really, all things considered.
I have 15+ months sober now and got sober at 23. My recovery has given my life a new purpose and direction which I am truly grateful for. MY real breakthrough came in truly accepting myself as an alcoholic. Thus for me then one drink is too many and 100,000 never enough! I would always be after just one more! I was a blackout binge-drinker like yourself and became a different person in blackouts, not violent but more erratic and bizarre behaviour. I developed tourettes almost for the last while of my drinking and used to shout swear words and random stuff to myself.
Basically fundamental to my acceptance of my alcoholism was my acceptance that most people aren't alcoholics. For me I had to lay it on the line to those who needed to know or else I would just go back taking that first drink again when i felt better a few weeks down the line. I pulled no punches to the reality of my situation of it needed to be pointed out as I had to make sure that when things got settled again and a little mundane then nobody would be willing to offer me drinks without knowing that I'm an alcoholic. Most people know anyway and are just glad that you finally accept it, in my own experience anyway.
I went to AA and incorporated it into my life. I used SR and incorporated it in my life and I also found much inspiration elsewhere too and incorporated that.
The quitting dinking is the easy part, it's the staying stopped which is the difficult part. For me it required massive changes to people, places and things that I associated with and hung around and also a profound alteration to my attitude and outlook on life. This is where working a recovery program can be so valuable.
Recovery is a totally new way of life and thinking and it's a daily work in progress for me. I take it all 'one day at a time' and remember that in relation to not drinking then it's 'just for today'. Though the compulsion for drinking left me a long, long time ago and I am ever grateful for that. I used to get to 2 weeks without a drink and be gagging to get wasted. It was like the devil on one shoulder and the angel on the other, if you like. I knew drinking would end badly but I couldn't not get wrecked as it was all I had to look forward to and live for. I am ever grateful for that horrible feeling being removed.
It's hard to explain but it really isn't to do with willpower, for me anyway. People always remark to me about "you must have good willpower" but it isn't at all like that. I surrendered and ceased fighting as my own willpower would have never kept me from a drink. I developed a spirituality in recovery which was fundamental to my contentment and gratitude for remaining sober. It comes with time, work and recovery but at the base level just make sure you never take that first drink 'just for today'. Once you take it again then your life will just continue to go downhill, if you're an alcoholic. Only you can decide if you're an alcoholic. For me personally without my total acceptence of being an alcoholic and addict then I wouldn't stand a chance of staying gratefully sober and clean, especially being young and just started University. I know what the UK's drinking culture is like and I have to know that I'm bodily and mentallly different to most others when it comes to drink and drugs. Or else drink would kill me and take evrything I love and hold dear with me, I know and accept that.
All The Best
I have 15+ months sober now and got sober at 23. My recovery has given my life a new purpose and direction which I am truly grateful for. MY real breakthrough came in truly accepting myself as an alcoholic. Thus for me then one drink is too many and 100,000 never enough! I would always be after just one more! I was a blackout binge-drinker like yourself and became a different person in blackouts, not violent but more erratic and bizarre behaviour. I developed tourettes almost for the last while of my drinking and used to shout swear words and random stuff to myself.
Basically fundamental to my acceptance of my alcoholism was my acceptance that most people aren't alcoholics. For me I had to lay it on the line to those who needed to know or else I would just go back taking that first drink again when i felt better a few weeks down the line. I pulled no punches to the reality of my situation of it needed to be pointed out as I had to make sure that when things got settled again and a little mundane then nobody would be willing to offer me drinks without knowing that I'm an alcoholic. Most people know anyway and are just glad that you finally accept it, in my own experience anyway.
I went to AA and incorporated it into my life. I used SR and incorporated it in my life and I also found much inspiration elsewhere too and incorporated that.
The quitting dinking is the easy part, it's the staying stopped which is the difficult part. For me it required massive changes to people, places and things that I associated with and hung around and also a profound alteration to my attitude and outlook on life. This is where working a recovery program can be so valuable.
Recovery is a totally new way of life and thinking and it's a daily work in progress for me. I take it all 'one day at a time' and remember that in relation to not drinking then it's 'just for today'. Though the compulsion for drinking left me a long, long time ago and I am ever grateful for that. I used to get to 2 weeks without a drink and be gagging to get wasted. It was like the devil on one shoulder and the angel on the other, if you like. I knew drinking would end badly but I couldn't not get wrecked as it was all I had to look forward to and live for. I am ever grateful for that horrible feeling being removed.
It's hard to explain but it really isn't to do with willpower, for me anyway. People always remark to me about "you must have good willpower" but it isn't at all like that. I surrendered and ceased fighting as my own willpower would have never kept me from a drink. I developed a spirituality in recovery which was fundamental to my contentment and gratitude for remaining sober. It comes with time, work and recovery but at the base level just make sure you never take that first drink 'just for today'. Once you take it again then your life will just continue to go downhill, if you're an alcoholic. Only you can decide if you're an alcoholic. For me personally without my total acceptence of being an alcoholic and addict then I wouldn't stand a chance of staying gratefully sober and clean, especially being young and just started University. I know what the UK's drinking culture is like and I have to know that I'm bodily and mentallly different to most others when it comes to drink and drugs. Or else drink would kill me and take evrything I love and hold dear with me, I know and accept that.
All The Best
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Living in Today!
Posts: 3,944
ee1979: you Sound a LOT Like me! (The old me) you mentioned will power.. that only matters in the very beginning.. i worked a 4 day shift.. i was dry about 3-4 days a week (because i had to work) and yet i am a Alcoholic who very nearly drank himself to death.. this thing is no joke! it is a progressive Affliction that only gets worse with time! A.A. saved my life..
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Dallas, Tx
Posts: 2,405
Hi EE welcome to SR and kudos to you for recognizing your problem. Your post doesn't sound "self absorbed" to me at all, you have to take care of yourself make your health/recovery your #1 priority in order to kick the habit. Drinking yourself into blackouts is what's "self absorbed", when you do that you are of no good to anyone. The more you read here on SR the more you'll find we all relate in some aspects of our drinking/drugging, keep coming back and post often.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 302
Hello and welcome to SR! You will find a lot of support here and we've all been through it. I too thought after a few weeks I could have just one beer and go back to sobriety (I did actually only have that one beer, but never went back to sobriety...)
It's just us fooling ourselves that we are different than the rest recovering. I tried telling myself that I don't have to live like that for the rest of my life and I can control it, just drink once in a while like my husband. What a tool I was to think I could do it.
I read on another poster's thread (and I like how it was put).. "I just don't have others' taste for moderate drinking" I can't just drink one. It's not potato chips.. Chips I count so I don't consume too many calories. Wine or beer I don't even count. I would eliminate 600-700 calories of food that day just so I could drink more.
You can do this and I've gone 22 days before. This time is my final journey to recover and I'm going to make it last this time!
Welcome to SR
It's just us fooling ourselves that we are different than the rest recovering. I tried telling myself that I don't have to live like that for the rest of my life and I can control it, just drink once in a while like my husband. What a tool I was to think I could do it.
I read on another poster's thread (and I like how it was put).. "I just don't have others' taste for moderate drinking" I can't just drink one. It's not potato chips.. Chips I count so I don't consume too many calories. Wine or beer I don't even count. I would eliminate 600-700 calories of food that day just so I could drink more.
You can do this and I've gone 22 days before. This time is my final journey to recover and I'm going to make it last this time!
Welcome to SR
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
"binge drinker" sounds so harmless yanno?
My sponsor was a binge drinker......until he "woke up enough to realize (he was) an alcoholic drinker hiding behind a less threatening name." (his words, not mine) -
My sponsor was a binge drinker......until he "woke up enough to realize (he was) an alcoholic drinker hiding behind a less threatening name." (his words, not mine) -
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