EscapingHogarth

I've finally decided to stop drinking.

I'm only 23, but I've known for awhile that I am an alcoholic. I used to go to work drunk regularly and drive drunk frequently, though I don't think anyone suspected. I rarely drank socially, having caught on early that I didn't have others' taste for moderation. So for the last three years drinking alone has been my hobby. I even went to an AA meeting once, but it never quite took.

After a long, unglamorous binge last night, I woke up this morning horrifically sick. More than that though, I was filled with self-loathing--for knowing that I'm killing myself, that I'm ruining my relationships, but not still stopping.

And today I've decided enough is enough.

I marched (or, crawled) downstairs and told my parents: "You haven't noticed, probably, but I secretly drink a lot. I'm going to try to quit. Please don't bring home beer." I'm researching some AA meetings in my area. And now I've joined this site! This looks like a really great community, and I hope to find real support here.

In a lot of ways I'm really excited about this. I know it's a good thing. Certainly it's a healthy thing. But I'm also scared. I think: What if I'm depressed even when I'm sober? and What if I stop drinking and find there's nothing in my life to fill that empty space with?

I know that in some sense I drank for no reason in particular. That it was just something I did, the way that some people ski or plant gardens. But I also know that I've used alcohol to avoid things, and as I prepare to face myself under the clarity of sobriety... I'm a little nervous.

Still: Here we go!

least

I was afraid of that too, mostly cause my life was pretty empty anyway and drinking was all I really did. But I've noticed in the last few months how life rushed in to fill the hole that alcohol used to fill. And even at its worst, my life today is so much better than my drinking existance ever was. And my favorite 'side effect' of sobriety is waking up not feeling horrible!

Welcome to SR. You'll find a lot of support and useful information here to help you along your sober journey. I'm glad you found us and joined the family.

mygirlchandler

Good for you! You are young and you have your whole life ahead of you to learn other ways to deal with life.

If you have suffered from depression (and it sounds like you have) get an appointment with a psychiatrist or someone who can refer you to a psychiatrist. There is GOOD medication out there, you will feel human again. Get to therapy. Get in meetings. No need to do this alone, so many have come before you!

You are right in learning ways to fill the empty spaces. It's hard. I won't lie. I found out that my empty spaces needed to be filled with caring for my family in a way I hadn't done in two years. Reading books before bed, putting away laundry, reading, making an attempt to have a social life outside of work.

I've talked too much.

My best wishes are with you! Don't give up. Every minute you are sober counts as a minute behind you.

Dee74

Hi EscapingHogarth
take a look around - there is life after sobriety

I used to drink all day everyday - alcohol was my constant companion and go to 'fix it' remedy.

I'm nearly 4 years sober now - I deal with all manner of things in my life, some good some bad - some I ace and some I don't quite manage gracefully - but I always get by - and I'm happy and content...and free of bondage.

If I can do it I know you can too
Welcome to SR!
D

NEOMARXIST

Hi there. I got sober at 23 and have 15+ months now. I found that I really embraced and 'got into' my recovery. This really helped me to stay sober and to importantly enjoy staying sober and I was also able to rediscover my love of music slowly but surely. My alcoholism and consequent recovery from it has transformed my life and aspirations and goals for the future. Though it's very much a one day at a time deal for me and I just try to enjoy the day and have gratitude for my sobriety.

It can be done but it takes much work and much of this may be a little uncomfortable or painful. I had stuff I needed and wanted to address at 9 months sober and am only starting to understand my mind as i continue to learn more about my inner workings and learn to accept and live with them. It's a daily work in progress but it's all good.

It is well worth it though and much more rewarding than living as a drunk or a sober drunk waiting to get drunk again! I was a blackout binge drinker. I would also take whatever drugs I could get too whilst on a session.

All The best

Anna

Welcome!

You've made a great decision to take care of yourself.

And, if you're still depressed when you stop drinking, then maybe you might want to talk to your dr. I was depressed long before drinking began, so I knew I had to find a way to treat my depression before I could recover. However, you might find your depression lifts as your sobriety continues.

tinypeach

i can relate to pretty much everything you said there.
goodluck. and what you said to your parents is exactly what i want to say, but can't. you've got some courage

LaFemme

Welcome! You sound like you've got a good head on your shoulders and a strong family both good things to have going for you.

I was terrified I would quit And my life wouldn't improve. You see, when I drank...I could blame everything wrongnin my life on the alcohol. I knew if I Quito would have no excused if I messed up. I was right:-) what I didn't know is that now...when things don't go well...or I mess up, I am able to deal with them without falling apart or falling into a bottle of Chardonnay. The bad thongs aren't so bad and the good things are amazing.

Someone said when they quit drinking "life rushed in"....I LOVE that...Its so true...there are no longer enough hours in a day because my life is overflowing. When I drank there were too many hours in a day that I wasn't drunk and couldn't stand myself.

So welcome to SR. Reading and posting here has been an amazing part of the journey for me.

Draciack

There's some serious wisdom in your post EscapingHogarth

As far as the what ifs, I found that especially early on taking it one day at a time helped.

Later on, like others said, life rushed in. Sobriety really is what you make of it.

Welcome to SR.

artsoul

Welcome EH! When I feel like a drink these days, I look at the end result and the horrible hangovers I used to endure for a couple hours of "fun." And the harder I tried to drink responsibly, the worse the binges got. The depression and the anxiety were just as bad as the physical part.

I'm glad you've joined us. Just focus on taking everything one day at a time. I didn't think I could enjoy being sober either, but it just took a little practice and patience. Hang in there!!

CarolD

Welcome to our recovery community......

Glad to know you are heading into a productive healthy future

eremc08

Hello and welcome to SR. I can relate to everything you said except it took me 9 years more than you to realize how this life is not really a life at all. I'm also depressed and this isn't my first attempt to get sober. I do hope that this is my last and a successful one at that. I went through all the what ifs also, and with all the anxiety I slipped after 22 days. The first week was the toughest but I got through it and so can you! I felt like I was on top of my game and could get through anything. I'm not even sure what happened. I guess I thought I could have just one drink and I would go back to sobriety but ...
that didn't happen.
Can't let my guard down this time. The others are right about life rushing in. You will learn to fill that gap with other, more fulfilling things that bring you joy. NOT Drinking!
Welcome again to SR and just know that you can do this! It takes some adjustment but it is a wonderful journey to a better life!

LawMama

Welcome to sobriety and to SR! You have made a huuuuuuuge step! AA helps me deal with sobriety and depression (so do antidepressants - but gotta talk to your Dr. about that).

EscapingHogarth

Thank you, everyone, for your words of welcome and support.

The first two days have been a relative breeze. I was hungover all day on day 1, and the thought of alcohol would have made me sick. Today... easy enough. But I know that days 3 and 4 are going to be real tests for me. Already today I can feel myself making excuses for later. I'll try to find my way to an AA meeting tomorrow or Thursday, but I can already tell that meetings are going to be difficult/awkward living in a house with four other people.

I think the first big hurdle for me is getting over the fantasy that one day I'll be able to drink normally, that if I can just take a break for a few weeks/months I'll have earned my right to moderation. Its going to be hard to tell myself that I really can't do moderation.

LexieCat

Drinking is awkward and difficult, too, but we managed to do it, didn't we? You need to bring the same level of commitment to recovery that you brought to drinking.

FWIW, I worked very diligently at moderating my drinking for four and a half years! I had a lot of difficulty accepting that I couldn't do it if I just tried hard enough.

I can pretty much assure you that given your history, moderation isn't going to work. Ever.

While you're waiting to go to your first meeting (hopefully sooner, rather than later), start reading the Big Book--here's an online version.

LexieCat

Oh, and BTW, in the Big Book they talk about what exactly will fill up that "hole" you are talking about in yourself.

Evon

Welcome! I too was in your situation, maybe not the same exact, but I also drank alone and I am also 23 going to be 24 next week. I was also scared about filling that void. I received a lot of help from my day recovery group which has been teaching me positive coping skills and to put those in place of picking up. I agree also with putting in the effort you took to drink and putting that same effort towards your recovery. I've heard many of times that you get what you put into it. It's not going to be easy ,but it's attainable. I know for me when I'm sober I feel a lot more sane and grateful that I'm now able to see things with a clear mind. I don't have to worry about things I may have done like I had when I was under the spell of alcohol and I can't change those things I have done but I can work on not doing them again. Again welcome and you're right that SR is a great community it has helped me tremendously!

man

EscapingHogarth, you're story sounds way too familiar. I'm 26 and have been drinking heavily every night for the past 4 years. I'm on day 3 right now and just got past my first really intense craving, the kind where your mind plays tricks on you by teling you you can handle it, you're in control. If i am in control then why do i want to drink so bad? I deserve to relax and have fun...the sad part is it's not even fun, you work on getting drunk, and then once you're drunk you black out and can't remember it the next day. WTF is fun about that.

Anyway just wanted to say good luck and thanks for sharing. I too cannot do moderation, if i have 1 drink there will always be several more to follow. Afterall, when i drink i drink to get drunk, simple as that. It's not fun anymore and it's time to turn the page and start a new chapter in my life.

leo21

Hi there and welcome to SR. Your fears are expected - I remember that fear was a big factor holding me back from stopping. I really was afraid of losing what I thought was my best friend, my crutch, my stop-gap in life, my coping mechanism.

I was afraid for the first couple of weeks. All the thoughts of how was I going to live and do things without alcohol in my life ran through my mind. The good news is that it does go away a little at a time. Each sober minute, hour, and then day will give you a victory and I believe better self-esteem.

Today I have the priviledge to work on day #50. In my book, that a very long time. I remember very clearly all the crap from my drinking days (years), and I make it a point to never forget. I also remember all those fears I had and the what-ifs that plagued me early on. But it was just like the monster under the bed. You feel something is there, but every time you poke your head under and look with that flashlight, nothing is there. The light is always stronger than the dark my friend.

Draciack

A Step 1 experience will take care of that really quickly

Try to find a Step Study or Big Book meeting. Open discussions can be great too but sometimes they get off track.